


LoveSick (w/ Epilogue)

by Maki_Jss



Category: UNIQ (Band), UP10TION, X1 - Fandom
Genre: Depression, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Some Love Triangles, some cliche plots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:21:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 38
Words: 116,615
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23308276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maki_Jss/pseuds/Maki_Jss
Summary: Cho Seungyoun and Kim Wooseok have been dating for more than a year and they live together. Wooseok is a famous idol while Seungyoun is a producer. They keep their relationship secret and so far so good. However, recently there always seems to be something wrong with their relationship. Is it the intervention of Lee Jinhyuk? The "ghost" from the past? Or something from within?
Relationships: Cho Seungyeon | Seungyoun/Kim Wooseok | Wooshin
Comments: 149
Kudos: 197





	1. Chapter 1

Kim Wooseok starts to have weird dreams since winter comes. He wakes up several times every night. Although he would immediately forget about the dreams he just had, somehow he knows it was not pleasant. The good thing is that he can always see Cho Seungyoun sleeping beside him whenever he wakes up, and this makes him feel safe.

Actually, Seungyoun has severe insomnia. Even when he sleeps, it's very light. Thus, when Wooseok wakes up, he usually doesn't disturb him but waits for his racing heart to calm down again.

However, one day, Wooseok had a very terrible dream.

He dreamt that he killed Seungyoun.

It was a really violent and bloody dream. From what Wooseok could remember, Seungyoun was already passed out, but Wooseok continued to stub his eyes, causing a splash of blood. And then he pulled Seungyoun's lifeless body to the edge of the empty building and threw him off from the top floor.

Wooseok instantly sits up from the bed. He feels his heart is about to rush out of his throat. He's sweating like crazy and feels like he has lost his soul. He tells himself repeatedly that it's ok, it's just a dream. But eventually, he cannot help but cries out.

"What's up, babe? You had a bad dream?" Seungyoun then wakes up and asks. Wooseok then realizes that he was too scared that he even forgot to check whether Seungyoun was lying beside him this time.

When people wake up from a nightmare, it is always their weakest time.

Wooseok can't answer him because he's crying uncontrollably. But he manages to grab Seungyoun's hand and holds it tightly under his. Seungyoun knows that Wooseok must had a really horrible dream, and he actually hasn't really fallen asleep yet. So he could comfort him now.

"It's ok, Wooseokie, it's just a dream. Now you're awake, and everything is alright." Seungyoun says softly.

"Ye… Yes…" Wooseok sniffs, "I, I'm sorry, Seungyoun… I'm really sorry…"

"Why? Why are you apologizing to me? What did you see in your dream?" Seungyoun is confused.

"Sorry…" Wooseok continues, and the tears that he tried to hold up suddenly bursts out again, and he can't even say anything now. That dream was too clear in his head, even though he's already wakened up. He wishes it could be like other dreams, that they just went away the moment he opened his eyes. But this one is just too real, too bloody, and like a horror movie. How could he hurt Seungyoun like that? How could he do that to his love?

Seungyoun senses something strange about Wooseok, so he hugs him and comforts him by talking into his ears: "I'm here, babe, I'm here. Dreams are all fake. You're alright…"

"Can I sit on you?" Wooseok cries while asking.

And without Seungyoun even saying a word, Wooseok already gets out of his embrace, turns around, and pushes his chest to let him lay down. And then he sits on his laps, looking down at his face.

"What are you doing?" Seungyoun doesn't resist at all. They are very clingy in bed and he knows Wooseok loves skinship when he feels insecure.

Wooseok doesn't answer. He wipes his tears sloppily and then leans forward to kiss Seungyoun's nose, cheeks, and then moving to his eyes.

"Close your eyes." Wooseok demands.

And Seungyoun complies.

Wooseok then starts to kiss his eyes carefully, one kiss on each eye. And he lingers each kiss for quite a long time as if he's trying to confirm something—yes, he needs to make sure that Seungyoun is alive, his eyes are ok, and his body is warm. Now, as he finally reassures himself, he leans completely on Seungyoun's body, breathing in the older man's shoulder.

Seungyoun feels ticklish, so he pats Wooseok's back and asks, "Tell me, what's going on. What was your dream like? Can't you tell me?"

"No." Wooseok rejects. How can he tell Seungyoun that he killed him in his dream? Not to mention he really doesn't want to recall what's in that dream again. That's why he is now hugging Seungyoun like a koala bear. Only this will make him feel better.

"Oh? Ok then. But you seem really scared." Seungyoun says.

"Seungyounie, I will never leave you. I will never hurt you." Wooseok suddenly says and then kisses the man under him again.

Although it sounds random, Seungyoun is quite moved. He still has no idea what Wooseok has dreamt that made him like this in the middle of the night, he rubs the younger man's hair and says, "Thank you dear. I know."

"So have you slept at all?" Wooseok eventually gets off Seungyoun's body as he feels more relaxed.

"Nope. I've been awake. It's ok. It's nothing new. You should sleep now."

"But… do you need my help?" Wooseok utters shyly, "I mean, shall we make out and that may… help you fall asleep faster?"

"It's ok, babe." Seungyoun smiles lovingly and kisses Wooseok's forehead, "You have to work tomorrow. Don't make yourself too tired."

To be honest, Wooseok is a little disappointed. They haven't been having sex as much as they used to. The recent times they had sex, however, Seungyoun didn't seem all that interested. There wasn't much foreplay which they used to enjoy. Although this makes Wooseok a little insecure, he decides to forgive Seungyoun because Seungyoun still loves him nonetheless. Whenever he comes home from work, Seungyoun would hug him, have all the snacks ready, and they would cuddle in the couch for a while. If they feel like it, they would drink some beer or wine and watch a movie together. Wooseok has nothing to complain about Seungyoun, really. He's a perfect boyfriend. 

But it seems that Seungyoun's worsening state of mind happened simultaneously with his unprecedented increase of dreams. Is it the recurrence of his depression?

***

Kim Wooseok is a national idol who needs to run on schedules everyday. Cho Seungyoun is a music producer who can just work from his home studio even though he does belong to a small production company. They began dating about one year ago. It all started with music, and then they developed some chemistry out of it, and soon became a couple. Shortly after, Wooseok moved to Seungyoun's apartment. To avoid suspicion, Wooseok even bought an apartment in the same building, but never went inside his own property.

Since they began living together, Wooseok soon found out that Seungyoun has been on antidepressants. Although this is nothing new for people in the entertainment industry, he was still surprised that Seungyoun didn't tell him before. But he was more frustrated that he didn't even notice that Seungyoun had been struggling with depression.

It was a morning when Wooseok was (rarely) making breakfast. He opened a drawer in the kitchen and saw a bottle of pills. He recognized the name on it, which was a famous brand of antidepressants.

When Seungyoun walked out of the bathroom, he saw Wooseok was holding something while asking, "How long have you been taking this?"

Seungyoun yawned and squinted, "Oh, this? Hmm… maybe three to four years?" He answered nonchalantly.

"What? That's so long! You never stopped?" Wooseok seemed quite shocked.

"Nope. Actually this is the reduced dose. I used to take more. Don't worry. It's no big deal."

"Reduced dose…" Wooseok checked the bottle in his hand, and it said 50mg, indeed not much. "So how much did you take before? How severe were you?" He still looked concerned.

"Hmm… perhaps triple the dose?" Seungyoun answered.

Wooseok's heart sank. He had no idea what had Seungyoun been through that required him to take such a lot of antidepressants. But maybe, there didn't have to be a reason? He remembered seeing somewhere that depression can be a genetic thing.

"Are you sure you are all right?" Wooseok asked again.

"I'm fine as long as you're here." This was what Seungyoun said at that moment, "If you appeared in my life earlier, then maybe I don't even have to take the pills."

Wooseok immediately felt happy. He loved how easy Seungyoun could make him satisfied by praising him on a daily basis. No matter it was real or fake (how dare he?), he would feel blessed.

"But, since you are fine now, do you still have to take these pills?" Wooseok was still a little curious.

"You can think in this way: people who have hypertension needs to take medicine everyday, right? So do I. People with depression needs to keep certain chemicals in their head to be at a healthy level; that's what these pills are for."

"Are you sure it is not drug dependence? Drug addiction?"

"Shut up, babe. I'm fine!" Seungyoun laughed, "Do you think I look like a drug addict?" He then walked closer and gave Wooseok a long, wet morning kiss.

Seungyoun is good at it, the kiss, and Wooseok is not gonna lie, this is something he was falling for him in the first place. After the kiss, Wooseok totally put aside his questions about depression. It's ok, he looked fine. Wooseok constantly told himself. And for the past year, Seungyoun has never increased the dose, so Wooseok was content. He even thought about maybe they should get married in one or two years once he's tired of his solo idol career. After all, he has passed the peak age for being an idol.

***

But why? Why does he feel things are getting strange between them recently? Or is he too paranoid? Wooseok wonders and eventually falls asleep again.

It is another sleepless night for Seungyoun. He doesn't know why antidepressants can keep him function during the day but can never help him sleep well at night. Over the years, he has tried millions of ways to aid sleep, but nothing worked. He would just sleep for two to three hours at night, and maybe take a short nap during the day, that's all he needs. And worse still, he gets nervous when it's bedtime, even when he makes love with Wooseok before sleep, he would still wake up after an hour or two. And it frustrates him more that he couldn't fall back to sleep again.

He loves Wooseok, for sure. He thinks he'll probably do anything for him. Since they began dating about a year ago, he indeed feels that he has been "cured" by Wooseok in so many ways. Before meeting him, Seungyoun hadn't been dating anyone for years. He didn't know if it was because of depression that he lost interest in people, or because he never met anyone interesting so that made him depressed. One time he went to his therapist, and that old man told him to try to date someone, or just challenge himself to develop a deeper bond with another person and see what could be changed in his life. And then, Kim Wooseok appeared.

***

It was last November, Seungyoun's boss asked him to make a song for Wooseok. But it would be a blind review as several musicians would send their demos to Wooseok's company. Seungyoun wasn't interested in the beginning, he didn't like the idea of blind review. This must mean that this Kim Wooseok was a picky and stubborn person, hard to work with—he thought. However, if his work was chosen in the end, it would definitely help his little company to survive and made him known to the larger industry. So in the end, he decided to have a try. After all, he shouldn't have to deal with the idol directly, right?

Hence, Seungyoun locked himself in the studio and started making music. He first listened to Wooseok's previous albums to get an idea of his tastes, and then watched some interviews of him to have some understanding of his personality. He always does this to get inspiration. And the more he saw Wooseok, the more he became interested in him. This idol, who has an ethereal beauty, who is the same age as him, and who is somewhat mysterious, made him want to know more.

Wooseok's previous albums were mostly ballad songs. He has a deep but soft voice, thus very healing when singing ballads. But in the interviews, even though he also looked quite soft and approachable, there was something stubborn and unyielding in his eyes that caught his attention. Seungyoun wasn't sure if he read too much into this, but he did think there was another side of Wooseok that was capricious and even cold. For example, when asked, "who's your best friend in the industry?" He would often smile wittingly but never answer directly.

Something about Wooseok really attracted Seungyoun.

Later on, Seungyoun was told that his demo was chosen by Wooseok. And Wooseok wanted to meet him once.

The meeting was scheduled in a small conference room in Wooseok's agency. Seungyoun arrived early and sat in the chair alone, drinking coffee. Not sure how long has passed, he heard the door was knocked three times. He stood up and turned around, Wooseok, the guy he saw so many times online, was standing in front of him. Seungyoun looked past him to check if there were other people, but no, Wooseok was here alone.

Wooseok looked much shorter than he had expected, and he seemed… very plain. But since he has that beautiful face, Seungyoun bet that whatever he wears should look good on him. Wooseok looked quite… unbothered? Nonchalant? Hmm… must still be hard to deal with as he expected.

"You are… Mr. Cho Seungyoun?" Wooseok approached him, stretching his hand out to shake the taller man's hand.

"Yes. Actually we are the same age; just call me Seungyoun is fine." Seungyoun tried to sound cool as well.

"Sit down, please. Thanks for coming today. I just want to talk to you about the song." Wooseok went straight to the point while pulling out a chair from under the table. He really seemed cold. So all those friendly and soft expressions were just his performance on TV for the fans, right? Seungyoun wondered.

"Thanks for choosing my demo." Seungyoun said, "I was very honored."

"Well, I really like your song. You've done well. But I just have some questions for you."

"Go ahead."

"Why did you make a song like this? I mean, you know I always sing ballads, why did you make a… rock-ish song for me?"

"Isn't it nice to change a style sometimes?" Seungyoun answered with a question, "Actually, it's because I was bored enough to watch a lot of your interviews online. And then… I thought you were a little… hypocritical."

"What?" Wooseok thought he heard the word wrong. 

"Don't get me wrong. I mean, I felt that you were performing to the world too much, but maybe… maybe you don't really like certain things. Sometimes I feel like you want to shout. Or you need to shout."

Wooseok was stunned. This is a guy he met for the first time, does he have to speak this straightforwardly? Also, he had to admit that Seungyoun was right, but just by watching his interviews? Was he that easy to be deciphered? He thought he hid well…

"Anyway, let's just say you were correct." Wooseok pretended to be calm.

"See, you look all cool and stuff, but you are actually quite nervous now, am I right?" Seungyoun cut him off without mercy, even though this idol was technically his employer now, and he shouldn't have the stance to talk to him like this. But perhaps this is the pride of a creator. Because Wooseok in person was actually really cute and small, so he kind of emerged this sadistic urge to tease him.

And he was right, because he could see that Wooseok's ears became red.

"Ehem… I forget what I wanted to ask." Wooseok looked out of the window.

"Ask about music?" Seungyoun reminded him and stared at him, full of interest.

"Well, yea. Do you have anything that you want me to do? Any expectation for me to sing this song? I will do my best, for sure. Oh, are you gonna come to my recording? I want to meet your criteria."

In fact, Seungyoun was only the composer of this song, not the producer, so technically, he did not have to be present at the recording. But at this point, he was a little surprised because he had heard all kinds of negative things about idols who went solo after getting "older," and those were the hardest to deal with. However, Wooseok actually sounded very humble just now. Not to mention that he even scheduled this meeting with him, this is nothing he had ever experienced as a composer.

"Just follow your feelings. I don't have any expectation. So I guess I don't have to go to your recording." Seungyoun said.

Wooseok seemed stunned, but he managed to hide his disappointment. He looked at this quite handsome composer, musician, producer, who had apparently been teasing him and targeting him since he came in, and he somehow felt lost.

"Well… if, if you are busy, then you don't have to come. But what if you don't like how this song is turned out in the end?" Wooseok asked sincerely.

"It's your song already." Seungyoun said indifferently. 

"Can you be more serious?" Wooseok finally got offended, he stood up, smashed the table, and stared into Seungyoun's eyes from above. There was this power imbalance between them, both physically and workwise, but to Seungyoun, this Kim Wooseok seemed more like an angry rabbit. Oh, he's super cute.

So Seungyoun couldn't hold it anymore and burst into laughter: "Sorry, I was joking. I will come to your recording. I promise."

And next thing, he saw Wooseok's cheeks immediately turned red. Hmm... cute.

"You are a weirdo." Wooseok murmured.

And that was their first meeting. It only lasted for a little more than ten minutes. But after that, Seungyoun thought that he had finally found someone "interesting."


	2. Chapter 2

Of course, Seungyoun showed up on the recording day. But when he arrived, Wooseok was already inside the glass room. Seungyoun greeted the producer and then leaned against the wall in the back where he could still see Wooseok inside. Wooseok wore an oversized sweater and a pair of glasses that day, looking comfortable.

Before they formally start recording, Wooseok bowed to the producer and staff outside for the last time, and just when he lifted his head, his eyes met Seungyoun's. The look on Wooseok's face suddenly became a little complex. It was first "surprise," then "nervous," and followed by "unbendingness." Seungyoun found him fascinating. How could he switch expressions so quickly on that beautiful face?

The recording was not so smooth that day. Maybe because it was Wooseok's first time trying out rock song, he and the producer were not satisfied at all. He had been singing the same line over and over again and still couldn't pass. So he asked for some rest.

Wooseok walked out of that glass room. As soon as he came out, he glimpsed Seungyoun. It was not a friendly but somewhat troubled look, just like when they met for the first time. It almost felt like he was complaining why Seungyoun wrote him such a difficult song to sing.

_ Well, you picked it.  _ Seungyoun said to himself.

Wooseok then walked around to talk to the producer, staff, his manager, and finally, he came to Seungyoun again.

"Mr. Cho Seungyoun, thanks for coming today." Wooseok said politely.

"Wasn't it you who asked me to come? So of course I'd come." Seungyoun answered, "But it seems… I have given you a difficult task, huh?" He was referring to the not-so-smooth recording session just now.

Woosoek frowned, and he suddenly dragged Seungyoun's arm and pulled him outside. They fast-walked in the long hallway for another few seconds until Wooseok eventually turned around and said, "I'm sorry teacher. I let you down."

Seungyoun absolutely had no idea that Wooseok would apologize to him because he seemed mad at him just now. And he didn't expect Wooseok to call him "teacher," it was so awkward.

"You really don't have to call me with honorary. I said you could just call me Seungyoun."

Wooseok then looked at him in the eye, there was evident frustration and anxiety on his face.

"Don't worry. It's normal to have a hard recording," Seungyoun's heart softened when he saw Wooseok's expression, so he changed his tone and comforted him instead.

"I really like this song. I love it. It expresses my feeling so well. I'm just mad at myself, and I'm worried that I cannot meet your expectations…" Wooseok suddenly looked down and said.

Seungyoun was moved. He seldom met an idol like Wooseok, who would be so serious about singing and recording, not to mention that he treated him so politely and respectfully. Seungyoun believed that Wooseok was a very self-protective person who has high pride, so it was such a surprise to discover this side of him. Seungyoun thus continued, "It's ok. This is _your_ song now. Take it slow. Sing whatever that feels true to you."

"So… you really don't have any expectation for me? Last time when we met, we really didn't talk much about the music…"

"Because I didn't have any." Seungyoun repeated.

However, Wooseok didn't like this answer. He looked at Seungyoun, this time with some stubbornness and anger in his eyes, "Do you think I cannot reach it? That's why you don't have expectation for me?"

"No no no, that's not what I meant." Seungyoun hurriedly explained, "I meant, you just need to be yourself, because I made this song _for you_ only _._ "

Like an enraged kitty suddenly saw his owner, Wooseok stunned for a while, and then slowly put down his protective shield after hearing this.

"I'm sorry, teacher."

"Yah! Don't call me 'teacher.' I'm getting goosebumps." Seungyoun was embarrassed so he rubbed his messy hair and uttered, "Anyway, don't be too pressured. You are good to me whatever you do. It's true. Hmm, or maybe I should leave the recording studio? Will that make you feel less stressful?"

"NO!" Wooseok cut him off.

Seungyoun was startled, so he reflexively responded, "Ok, I'm not leaving."

Meanwhile, Wooseok's cellphone vibrated, he looked at it and then gave Seungyoun a look indicating that he had to take this call.

Seungyoun nodded. As Wooseok walked to the corner of the hallway, Seungyoun began to ruminate everything that had just happened. This Kim Wooseok--he thought--was a very candid person, with truly great pride for sure.

"I said we already broke up!"

Suddenly, Seungyoun heard Wooseok yelling at the phone from a few meters away.

"Don't ever call me again. Bye!"

Wooseok hung up the phone angrily and put it back to his pocket. He turned around and met Seungyoun's curious eyes. Apparently, he heard everything.

"Well, that was my ex-boyfriend," Wooseok explained.

"Huh?" Seungyoun was surprised by Wooseok's unexpected explanation. For one thing, he didn't have to explain; for another, so it was a "boyfriend"…?

Wooseok then realized that maybe he had exposed too much about himself, so he added with a sigh, "Sorry, please keep it a secret."

Seungyoun laughed, he found Wooseok interesting again, "Do you always treat people like this? I mean, this randomly?"

"Nope," Wooseok answered lightly, "only to you."

"Oh, are you flirting with me now?" Seungyoun teased.

"What do you think?"

Seungyoun was amazed. Last time they met, Wooseok immediately blushed when he made fun of him. But now, Wooseok is teasing him? It felt like their power switched and Wooseok now became the dominant.

But Seungyoun didn't plan to yield, so he said, "I'll take it as a 'yes' then."

Now it's Wooseok's turn to be startled. He actually was a little regret for saying that to Seungyoun just now. Maybe it was because he just hung up his ex's call and was still mad, so he said it without thinking much. And now he kinda felt embarrassed for flirting with someone who was just a "work partner."

"I… I'm sorry. Forget what I just said." Wooseok uttered.

Seungyoun smiled, "Fine. Then let's go back to the studio and work."

***

Wooseok's change of music style made a successful comeback. After that, he and Seungyoun gradually became close, too.

In the beginning, it was Wooseok who always mentioned Seungyoun in interviews, praising him for being such a talented musician and work partner. Soon, Seungyoun found that he had gained many new fans on his social media. And another day, Seungyoun's boss found him and said, "Wooseok wanted you to be his producer for his next album."

"What? I mean… it's fine for me. But isn't it too fast?" Seungyoun was genuinely surprised.

"It's good for our small company, so why not? I already gave your number to him. I'm happy to make more money." The boss said shamelessly.

After a while, an unknown number called in.

Although Seungyoun typically didn't answer an unknown number, he figured it could be Wooseok.

"Hello, is it… Teacher Cho Seungyoun?"

Seungyoun laughed abruptly, he hated being called "teacher," so he said, "It's Seungyoun. Seungyoun! Hello, Wooseok!"

Then, they scheduled another meeting in the same conference room in Wooseok's agency.

On the day of the meeting, Wooseok was late for an hour because of the heavy traffic. He was very sorry and ran upstairs to the conference room.

"Have you eaten anything?" This was the first question Wooseok asked when he pushed open the door and saw Seungyoun inside.

"No. I'm so hungry. It's all your fault." Seungyoun joked.

"I'm so so sorry! But I don't eat at night. Shall I order something for you?" Wooseok looked quite sincere.

"No, that's fine. Let's talk about the album first." Seungyoun waved his hand, "So, you want me to be your producer?"

"Yes. Will you?" Wooseok was actually still trying to catch up with his breath since he just ran up here. But when he spoke, Seungyoun could see the stars in his eyes.

"I'm already here. What do you think?" Seungyoun said wittingly.

Wooseok stunned for a second and said, "But, you can still reject me even if you are here already."

"Then what do you want me to do?"

Wooseok didn't know what to say for a while. He hardly met anyone who could always make him speechless. Usually, he's the one who has more power in a conversation. But Seungyoun was kinda hard to crack, even though Wooseok didn't mean to yield either.

"Hmm. It's a deal then. My manager will talk to you more about it." To avoid further confusion, Wooseok decided to end the conversation abruptly.

"What? That's all?" Seungyoun exclaimed.

"Yes?"

"So why not just ask me on the phone?" Seungyoun asked.

"Because I want to see you." Wooseok answered, but then he giggled and looked away, muttering, "Why are we always talking like this?"

Seungyoun grinned, too. He liked the way Wooseok was embarrassed by himself.

"I really like you, Seungyoun. Can I call you this?"

"Of course."

"And I, actually, I've been listening to your songs. I like every one of them. And I wanted to work with you." Wooseok finally admitted.

"Wait, wasn't it a blind review?"

"You guess."

Oh, come on.

They met several times after that. Although it was for the preparation of the album, the meeting always ended up like a date. Wooseok liked to keep a certain distance and remain mysterious, and Seungyoun would not just bite the bait and ask for more. Thus, they gradually developed a very ambiguous but intrinsic relationship, almost like boyfriends, but not there yet. Until one night, Seungyoun suddenly got a call from Wooseok when he was writing a song for him. Wooseok sounded drunk on the phone.

"Hey, Seungyoun-ah, how's the song coming along?" Wooseok's voice was husky due to the drinks.

"I'm working on it. So I've been working so hard for you, and you are just having a drinking party huh?"

"No, I'm home alone."

"And drink alone?"

"Yes."

"Anything happened?"

"Well… just had a quarrel."

"With your man?" Seungyoun spoke to the phone while looking at his computer screen.

"You know."

"I thought you broke up with him already."

"How do you know I didn't have another one? Hee-hee." Wooseok joked and laughed grudgingly.

"Wow, our super busy national idol even has the spare time to find another boyfriend." Seungyoun teased.

"Fine. I didn't. It's the same person from last time on the phone. You know. We broke up and he called again. It was annoying so we had another fight."

"May I know the reason? Maybe I can write it into the song. Haha." Seungyoun asked, half-jokingly.

"Shut up," Wooseok yelled, but then, he stopped saying speaking.

For some reason, Seungyoun's heart skipped for a beat during this short silence, as if he had sensed something that was about to happen.

"But…" Wooseok then continued, "I told him I had a crush on another person. So I was definably breaking up with him."

Seungyoun didn't respond, letting him continue. 

"Hey, Seungyoun-ah. Next time let's have a drink together, ok? I think I… maybe I lik… Oh shit, I gotta vomit. Bye!"

The phone hung up abruptly.

Seungyoun gazed at the screen and smiled silently. Of course, he knew what Wooseok meant to say. It was too obvious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapters for "LoveSick" will be shorter. Last time when I translated "Only Sons" from Chinese to English, I actually translated two chapters each time and posted as one on here. But this time I'll just go short and slow, otherwise I would feel very tired lol.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has 🔞R18🔞. Proceed with caution.

After the dream of himself killing Seungyoun, Wooseok becomes a little scared of going to sleep. He used to love the feeling of jumping into his comforter after a shower, but now all he thinks is whether he will have bad dreams later at night. Thus, he becomes more and more clingy to Seungyoun in bed. Being close to him feels satisfying and safe.   
Seungyoun likes to read some magazines before sleep, and Wooseok would hold him like a koala or kisses his arm or chest. Seungyoun likes the feeling of Wooseok's soft and plumpy lips on his skin, so he lets him do whatever he wants. Sometimes Seungyoun would also press Wooseok to his body tighter, and that's all.

"Can we have sex tonight, Younie? Pleeeeease? I don't have work tomorrow morning, please!" Wooseok is being a clingy cat again as he puts his chin on Seungyoun's shoulder, "You know, I'm scared that I'll have a nightmare."  
Seungyoun puts down the magazine and looks at Wooseok. To be honest, he would sometimes ignore the needy cat in bed on purpose. Until the cat begins to beg him, he will then give some "treats." It's just the way he teases Wooseok. But recently, maybe it's because of the change of weather, he feels that he's losing interest in things. He rejects many requests to make songs and has little inspiration. Also, he doesn't feel like having sex. When he was at the psychiatry a few days ago, the therapist thus increased the dose of his antidepressant.

"Are you not feeling well, Younie?" Wooseok is still on Seungyoun's body, being all needy.  
"Nope, I'm fine."  
"Then are you tired of me? You don't want me anymore?"  
"Come on, that's impossible. I'd die for you," Seungyoun smiles and brushes Wooseok's hair.  
"Yah, don't say 'die' so easily." Wooseok doesn't like this word.  
"I love you, truly." Seungyoun pauses, "But I just, I feel a little tired recently."  
Wooseok seems disappointed, he lets out a sigh and worms his way into the comforter. But then, he moves under it until he reaches Seungyoun's lower body.  
Seungyoun knows what he's doing, he just grins. Next thing he knows, Wooseok has already pulled his boxer down, gulping his manhood.  
"Hey!" Although Seungyoun knew this was going to happen, he still protests, somewhat lovingly. He opens the comforter, and the scene in front of him is just too wrong to see. Wooseok loves him so so much, even though he thinks he doesn't worth the love.

"You are already hard though." Wooseok licks the half-hard dick of Seungyoun's and looks at him.  
"Of course! It's not that I'm sexually impotent or something!" Seungyoun yells in embarrassment.  
Wooseok smiles and kisses that shaft, "Ok, that's good to know. I thought you lost interest in me."  
Seungyoun sighs and feels apologetic. Maybe he has been letting Wooseok wait for too long and that's unfair. So he decides to give him what he wants now, just for tonight. Hence, he sits up and hugs Wooseok, and suddenly bends over the smaller's body so that he's on top.  
Woosoek immediately moans, feeling satisfied with what's going to happen next.  
But for some reason, Seungyoun doesn't want to kiss him. So he just touches Wooseok's neckbones and then moving down to his chest, stomach, and then draws circles on his skin using his long finger.  
It's ticklish for Wooseok, so he squeezes his body and giggles.  
"Kiss me, Younie. Kiss me." Wooseok demands. He wants a wet French kiss because Seungyoun is good at it. Sometimes he even thinks it is better than sex.  
However, Seungyoun just reaches his face and blows air into his ear, and then he moves over to the other ear, talking to it in a deep, sexy voice: "This should be enough to make you wet."  
"I hate you," Wooseok complains, but he stretches his neck uncontrollably, showing his beautiful neckline to his boyfriend.  
Seungyoun should be appreciating this sight, but he just goes back to Wooseok's lower body. He quickly massages his half-hard manhood and is about to find Wooseok's hole, but then he suddenly stops, deciding to tease. "I'll use my fingers."  
"What? I… I think I'm ready. I don't need fingers." Wooseok is not a big fan of fingering. He'd rather feel some pain.  
"Babe, let's do fingering first." Seungyoun doesn't comply. He lies a light kiss on Wooseok's stomach and sends one finger into that small hole.  
"Argh!" Wooseok inhales and his muscles down there abruptly contract. This makes him realize that maybe he does need some "preparation."  
"Doesn't it feel nice? It's wet already." Seungyoun says brazenly, making the younger blush and scolds, "You are so annoying."  
Seungyoun smiles and drills his finger inside aimlessly. He then adds another finger without warning. He actually doesn't feel anything while doing this. Of course, it's for preparation, but he feels blank in his head.  
Meanwhile, Wooseok is sensitive enough to already feel ecstatic by the fingering as his legs are shaking irrepressibly. Seungyoun thus uses the idle hand to press on Wooseok's inner thigh to fix him. Wooseok cannot move, he feels so exposed in this position, since Seungyoun can literally see everything of him, but he cannot even see Seungyoun clearly, not to mention what is inside his head. 

Wooseok is so beautiful during sex. His skin looks peachy pink, and he lets out the most sweet-sounding moans.  
"I don't want your fingers anymore. Come in, come into me! Seungyounie!" Wooseok gasps and protests.  
But Seungyoun doesn't give it to him immediately. Instead, he climbs up and puts his thumb inside Wooseok's open mouth. Wooseok takes it in without hesitation and then starts to lick it. Soon, his saliva is dripping down his mouth.  
What a good boy in bed. Seungyoun has to admit. So he finally decides to give his cock to him. He rubs his hard cock briefly and then quickly sends it into the hole of Wooseok, which is more than ready.  
As soon as the tip of Seungyoun touches Wooseok's hole, Wooseok purrs, "Seungyoun, do me harder this time, please."  
"Ok, I know." Seungyoun holds Wooseok's pale legs and advances his entirety inside that hole in just one thrust. It is quite aggressive, to be frank.   
"Oh shit!" Wooseok screams due to the sudden penetration. But as soon as he realizes that Seungyoun has already put his whole thing inside him, he feels so full and satisfied.   
Seungyoun then spreads Wooseok's legs to the widest position and starts hitting. Wooseok screams each time the older rams, loudly. He doesn't want to hold back his voice at all. He wants to enjoy their sex to the fullest. But Seungyoun is just doing his thing. It feels nice to be devoured by Wooseok's tight hole. Yet that's it. He feels like he's making a mechanic move, thank god Wooseok is so loud that his thoughts cannot wander away.  
"Deeper… deeper… and faster…" Wooseok shamelessly demands under him.  
Seungyoun thus bends one leg, trying his best to go as deep as he can. At one point, he pushes Wooseok's leg and almost lying on him to provide the hardest, deepest thrust.   
"Ahhh—Ahh—" Wooseok moans in ecstasy.  
"This is what you want, huh?" Seungyoun asks, without much emotion.  
"Ah, yes! Ah… hmm… Seungyoun… You are the best…" Wooseok almost cries. He thinks he can just die in bed while being fucked by Seungyoun.

In the end, Seungyoun pulls out and unloads himself. He then collapses in bed, pressing his face inside a pillow. Wooseok almost passes out. The sex they just had was intense. Perhaps the best in a while, at least for Wooseok. He knows Seungyoun is next to him but he has no strength or energy to talk. So he closes his eyes and falls asleep.

However, Wooseok doesn't expect another nightmare, right after sex.  
This time, he dreamed that he and Seungyoun were on a yacht. Seungyoun accidentally fell off into the sea so Wooseok hurriedly gives his arm, trying to save him. However, Seungyoun actually pulled him into the sea as well. Wooseok couldn't swim, and then the two choked on the salty water, couldn't breathe, and they slowly sunk...

Wooseok opens his eyes the moment he couldn't breathe anymore, only to find out that Seungyoun's arm is on his chest. No wonder. But it feels weird. He was there to save Seungyoun. Why would Seungyoun summon him to die together? Wooseok feels frustrated, even though he knows he shouldn't read too much into a dream. He then looks at Seungyoun, who is sleeping soundly beside him and is even lightly snoring. He then feels better--It must be the sex, he thinks, so that Seungyoun can finally sleep well for at least one night. He then kisses the tip of Seungyoun's nose as another "good night" for the night.

The next morning then Wooseok wakes up, Seungyoun is gone. But Wooseok soon hears some noise in the kitchen. Apparently, his perfect boyfriend is making breakfast.   
Wooseok sits up, feeling the soreness in his lower body, and remembers that they had sex last night. It was good except that Seungyoun didn't kiss his lips. But why?  
He leaves the bed, roaming to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he comes out again, Seungyoun has already prepared everything ready on the table and says to him, "Come eat breakfast, babe."  
Wooseok doesn't say a word. He just runs to Seungyoun and hugs him from the back and starts to cuddle like a cat. Seungyoun is wearing a cotton pajama, the material feels comfy on his face. Wooseok smells the natural aroma on the cloth and then kisses Seungyoun's back.  
"Ok, enough, dear. Go eat your breakfast. Is your manager coming later?"  
Wooseok looks at the clock on the wall, it's already 11 am. His manager is supposed to be here in an hour. But he doesn't want to think about work at all.

"Are you not gonna kiss me today, Seungyoun?"  
Seungyoun is alerted when he hears the question, and he knows it's because Wooseok is not happy that he didn't kiss him last night. It's not that he can't do it, but he just doesn't want to. It's not Wooseok's fault, it's his. He has no "feeling" to do so. Weird, he can fuck him, but cannot kiss him.  
In the end, Seungyoun only kisses Wooseok on the cheek. The younger is not happy but decides not to say anything. He knows there's something wrong between them. That's for sure. But if it's the worsening of Seungyoun's depression, then what should he do to help?

Wooseok takes one bite of the sandwich, and unexpectedly, his tears falling down.  
Seungyoun puts down his coffee cup upon seeing this. He is sad, too. But he can't just be "happy" right now. He just can't. He's depressed. He has lost a lot of energy and interest in things. He knows he's making Wooseok worried. This is perhaps the hardest time since they live together. But he can't help himself, nor Wooseok. He feels he's been tortured, and this extends to his lover. He knows he would never want to see Wooseok leave, but now, he can't even give him a kiss on the lips.

"I'm sorry," Seungyoun mutters and tries to pat Wooseok's head across the table. However, Wooseok shakes his hand off.  
Seungyoun is stunned, and then sighs, "Wooseok, I'm sorry. But I actually increased my doses. I should be fine soon. Can you just wait for me for a while?"  
Now Wooseok looks up at Seungyoun in shock: "What? You added more antidepressants?"  
"Yes. I'm taking 100mg now."  
Wooseok's face instantly changes from frustration to concern: "Why didn't you tell me earlier? Did I… did I force you last night?"  
"No." Seungyoun's heart hurts even more. Wooseok is such a kind-hearted angel. Why does Wooseok apologize to him? So he then says, "I slept well last night. Thank you, Wooseokie."  
Wooseok puts down the sandwich and looks straight into Seungyoun's eyes, "So tell me, how can I help you?"  
"You don't have to do anything, really. I will be fine. It's probably due to the change of season or weather. It's normal for me."  
"Then how long do I have to wait?"  
This question strikes Seungyoun's soul. What does it mean? Does it mean Wooseok can't wait for him? He hates his weak and depressed boyfriend? But in fact, Seungyoun is so afraid of losing Wooseok, but since when?

"If… if you don't want to wait. You don't have to." Seungyoun finally utters slowly, as he realizes that he cannot guarantee anything. His depression may come and go, occur back and forth. And if Wooseok can't tolerate it, he should have the option to leave…

"Cho Seungyoun! You are a jerk!" Wooseok suddenly yells in disbelief. He stands up, making loud noises, and stomps back to the bedroom.

I am. I am. Seungyoun leans back on his chair and scratches his messy hair.


	4. Chapter 4

Their relationship started a while after Wooseok's drunk call that night. Few days after that call, they had another meeting to discuss the upcoming recording.

This time Seungyoun, Wooseok, Wooseok's assistant, met at Seungyoun's music company. Seungyoun invited both for a quick meal after the meeting, although the assistant rejected politely, Wooseok seemed very interested.

"How about you leave first?" Wooseok said to the assistant, "I'll go home by myself."

"But…" The assistant had a complicated expression on his face.

"Don't worry. Seungyoun… I mean, Mr Cho and I have something more to discuss. And I don't think any media or paparazzi will find this place." Wooseok comforted this new assistant of his, who seemed quite inexperienced.

The assistant sighed and agreed since he had to return to the company and write a report that night. And as soon as he closed the studio door, Seungyoun laughed out, "You're so free-minded."

"Whatever, I just think we haven't talked for a while, face to face. So, where do you wanna eat?" Wooseok asked.

"Wait, didn't you say that you can't eat at night?" Seungyoun suddenly remembered a conversation from the first time they met.

"Oh, that time I had to be on a diet for a magazine shoot; therefore I quitted supper. But I'm ok now." Wooseok explained.

"Ok, so… what do you like to eat?"

"How about… let's order spicy chicken feet for takeout?"

"What?" Seungyoun doubted his ears, "You like what?"

"Yea! Chicken feet. And I also like intestines, should we order that, too?" Wooseok looked at Seungyoun so innocently while proposing foods that were so alien to the older.

"Gosh, why would you like this kind of food? Are they edible?" Seungyoun had to protest.

"Of course! And you won't gain weight by eating them. Quick, I'll make my orders now." Wooseok swiped his phone quickly.

"Wait, wait. Order a jajangmyeon for me then!"

Soon after, Wooseok was showing how to eat chicken feet in front of Seungyoun. The latter found the scene really funny and awkward. For one thing, he had no idea what was so delicious about the chicken feet, and for another, when seeing someone who had an angelic face eating something like chicken feet, it was quite a shock to the eye.

"You want to drink something? I have some beer here." Seungyoun offered while continuing to observe him with full interest. But talking about "beer," it suddenly triggered the conversation they had on the phone the other night. So both of them said, "Oh, by the way," at the same time.

"You go first," Seungyoun smiled. So Wooseok, who still held a chicken foot in his hand, asked the older, "So what did I say on the phone that night?"

"You said you had a quarrel with your boyfriend," Seungyoun answered honestly.

Wooseok suddenly blushed, which surprised Seungyoun a bit because, why? He wasn't blushing when he "shamelessly" squatting on a chair and eating chicken feet.

"W…Well, it was my ex-boyfriend. EX!" Embarrassed, Wooseok stressed the keywords.

Maybe it was the spicy chicken feet, Wooseok's lips looked more plumpy and cute now, Seungyoun couldn't help but stare at them. And then he said, "You also said you had a crush on someone else now, so you were definitely done with your ex." Seungyoun's words were more like testing because he kinda knew what Wooseok meant that night.

However, Wooseok was not only blushing furiously now but also turning around in that whirling chair.

Seungyoun grinned and continued to tease, "So, congratulations! You have a new target. Oh, and I asked if I could write your love story into your new song. And you got mad at me, haha."

"Shut up!" Wooseok was so embarrassed. He didn't think he drank much that night, so how come he said all these stupid things to Seungyoun on the phone?

"So? How are things going with your 'new crush'?" Seungyoun was being annoying on purpose now.

Wooseok embraced himself while only showing his back to Seungyoun. Since he has a small body, he looked just like an angry kitten who turned his back to his owner. Seungyoun couldn't stop smiling, and after a long wait, Wooseok finally began to talk, in a tiny voice, "If I say my new crush is you, will you run away?"

Even though Wooseok was shy at that moment, the words coming from his mouth were quite straightforward. Seungyoun didn't dislike this side of Wooseok at all. Interestingly, even though Seungyoun was the one who teased Wooseok first, when he heard what he had expected, he realized that maybe he was not ready to give an answer yet. But then he quickly thought: they had been in this tricky relationship since day one-- constantly flirting and teasing--and at one point he honestly hoped that Wooseok would confess to him. So maybe now he's just... flattered?

Why not have a try then? Seungyoun sighed and made up his mind, "Do you say this to everyone you meet?"

"What? Only to you!" Wooseok turned around because of this somewhat offensive question. Then he started to stare at Seungyoun, from his head to toe, and then came back to his face. He was not lying. Seungyoun could tell from this sincerely and intense scan.

"Ok, then I believe in you. So are we like, together now?"

"No, no I mean…" Wooseok panicked, "I don't even know if you are single… and I don't know if you are ok with… dating a guy."

"I don't really care, male or female." Seungyoun said, "Also, I've been single for many years."

There was a quick flash in Wooseok's big pupils. And then he put down the chicken foot in his hand and uttered hurriedly, "You know, don't get me wrong. It wasn't because I broke up with Lee Jinhyuk so that I wanted to date you… I mean…" Shit, he accidentally revealed who his ex was, which was another famous idol in his company. He quickly continued, "I mean, I just really like you. I'm afraid of loneliness but it's really not because of that that I found you… attractive..."

Seungyoun laughed, this kitten was too clumsy and cute when he was panicky. He couldn't help but put his hand on Wooseok's fluffy hair and said, "Ok, I know. It's none of Lee Jinhyuk's business. We'll be dating."

Since Seungyoun deliberately emphasized the name Lee Jinhyuk, Wooseok was even more embarrassed. But more because he felt so stupid of everything he just said, it must sound like a little boy who fell in love for the first time.

"You know, even if you just want to find someone to fill your empty heart right now, I'm open to that, too," Seungyoun added. 

Wooseok was stunned. He looked into Seungyoun's eyes in surprise. For one moment, many things came to his head: does that mean he's just a flirt? So he would date anyone who confessed to him? Wait… how did I fall for him really? We just had a few conversations…

"Don't worry. I'm not an easy person," Seungyoun added as if he had just read Wooseok's mind. "Maybe it's because… I feel kinda lonely too."

Wooseok's heart skipped a beat. He didn't know why, but it felt nice when someone told him the reason for dating was also "loneliness."

"So can I go to your place tonight?" Wooseok asked.

"Wait, what? That's fast." Seungyoun looked perplexed.

"Can I? I hate to sleep alone."

"So you are really lonely, huh? To such an extent?"

"I won't do anything to you. I promise. I just want to have someone beside me when I sleep." Wooseok explained.

Seungyoun paused and looked at Wooseok for a few seconds, then he uttered in a deep voice, "It's ok if you want to do something to me."

It's now Wooseok's turn to be startled.

Argh, it seemed they were going to continue this flirty way of dating…

Their relationship was not really a secret in Seungyoun's company, as some of his studio assistants had already found out during Wooseok's first recording session.

It was a snowy day, Wooseok and his assistant were running late for the scheduled recording.

30 minutes after the scheduled time, some staff became impatient.

"I knew idols like him would be late," one person said while rolling his eyes.

"But the weather is bad…" Another staff tried to justify.

"Yes the weather is bad, but we all arrived on time. Why can't he?"

Seungyoun felt some second-hand embarrassment in this situation. But he was also worried. They just talked on the phone last night and for sure Wooseok didn't drink. So why is he late, and not even calling him?

Right at the moment, someone knocked on the door, it was Wooseok.

"I'm terribly sorry!" Wooseok apologized while bowing and walking into the room, "Many roads are closed today, so we had to find new ways to get here. And I forget to charge my phone so I couldn't call you guys, I'm so sorry!" 

Oh, now Seungyoun remembered. They had a long phone call last night, and apparently, Wooseok was too sleepy to charge his phone after that. So maybe… it was partly his fault.

"And then my assistant… he went to my house to pick me up but forgot his phone in my place, so now he's going back to fetch it… I'm really sorry!" Wooseok explained almost too specifically, and he kept apologizing to everyone in the room.

The gossipy staff didn't say a word after seeing how sincere Wooseok was. Also, since their boss Cho Seungyoun didn't seem mad, they thought they'd just be quiet.

Seungyoun looked at this panicky kitten and, of course, found him cute. But besides cute, he also liked the fact that Wooseok was a very genuine person. For example, even if he's embarrassed, he would still say what he thinks and feels. And when he's made a mistake, he doesn't have any superstar attitude but apologize sincerely. Unlike himself, who would usually keep everything inside, accumulating a lot of stress.

When Wooseok finally finished his round of apology, his eyes naturally laid on Seungyoun. It was at this second that the older felt something inside him was triggered. Why is the Kim Wooseok in front of him looked so beautiful, more beautiful than any previous time they met? His face was red due to running in the cold weather, and his mouth was slightly open, like a fresh and ripe cherry, waiting to be kissed…

Next thing he knew, he was already standing in front of Wooseok, cupping his face.

"You are wearing too little! You must be cold." Seungyoun said affectionately in front of everyone.

Wooseok was in shock. He quickly looked around, and of course, everyone was staring at them.

"I…" Wooseok tried to say something, but nothing came out of his mouth.

"It's fine. I'll get something hot for you to drink. And then we'll start recording." Seungyoun said while lightly rubbed Wooseok's cheeks. He then looked around, indicating everyone else to get back to wherever they were. And he went out of the room.

Wooseok hurriedly followed him until both of them stopped at a vending machine located at the end of the hallway.

"What was that? You were too obvious!" Wooseok complained.

"I'm sorry babe, but you were too cute. I tried my best not to kiss you in front of my staff," Seungyoun seemed unbothered, and then he inserted some coins into the vending machine.

Wooseok was still in shock after hearing what Seungyoun said. He was happy that Seungyoun found him cute, but still he was shocked by Seungyoun's bold move just now. But anyway, it was already a past thing, Wooseok sighed, and then pointed at a drink in the machine, "I want this."

"Ok." Seungyoun suddenly grabbed Wooseok's finger and pressed it on the button, then he pulled him closer to his chest, pressing a long-waited kiss on the smaller man's lips.

"Hey! What… what are you doing!?" Wooseok almost screamed, "We are in public!"

"I'm not a celebrity. I don't care." Seungyoun licked his lips.

Wooseok wanted to say "but I care," however, no point of doing that since there was literally no one in the hallway right now. So he surrendered by hitting Seungyoun's chest with his head and mumbled, "Stop doing this to me… you are affecting my mood of recording songs…"

"I'm a strict producer. You should be prepared." Seungyoun smirked while hugging Wooseok tighter and resting his chin on Wooseok's head.

"It all started out as a light-hearted game. But if a relationship could make both of us happy and less lonely, why not?" – Seungyoun said to his therapist one day.


	5. Chapter 5

(This scene is after chapter 3, if you feel lost. So we are back to the present.)

After the slightly unhappy brunch that day, Wooseok's manager shows up at their door to pick him up. Usually, he would only wait downstairs, but recently he wanted to persuade Wooseok to extend the contract, so he's been extra nice.

"You don't look well, Seungyoun," Manager Choi knows Seungyoun quite well now, so this is the first thing he says. Indeed, Seungyoun looks tired and pale due to lack of sleep.

"I'm just a little tired," Seungyoun answers bitterly. He's still thinking about the quarrel he and Wooseok had just now. He feels regretful.

"Maybe you should go to your studio more?" Manager Choi suggests while waiting for Wooseok, "It's not good to stay at home all the time."

"There aren't many things for me in the company," Seungyoun answers, "and I have everything I need to make music at home." Of course, he knows staying indoors all the time is not good for someone who has depression, but what can he do?

"Why is he so slow?" Manager Choi wonders.

"Oh, I'll go check then."

When Seungyoun opens the door to their bedroom, he sees Wooseok sitting on the bed, showing his back to him.

"I'm sorry, Wooseok. I was off just now. Your manager is here, come out." Seungyoun apologizes upon entering the door. And then he thinks he sees Wooseok wiping his face with one hand.

Seungyoun walks to him. Unsurprisingly, Wooseok's eyes are red and watery. Although his eyes are always moist, there is no doubt that he just cried a little.

"I'm really sorry. I… I didn't mean to get rid of you. You know that. I won't let you wait long. I'll get better soon. I promise."

Wooseok shakes his head and says, "No, you have done nothing wrong. I'm just… so worried about you. It's my fault, I didn't take into account your feelings. You must be suffering from it, right?"

Wooseok then stands up and goes to the closet. He already has a shirt on, and now he's just looking for a tie.

Seungyoun approaches him quickly and grabs the tie from Wooseok's hand, he circles it around the smaller man's neck and ties it for him. They are very close, Wooseok looks at Seungyoun, who is concentrated on the knot, and suddenly feeling quite blessed.

"Seungyoun, you know, I love you so much." Wooseok can't help but kisses him on the lips all of a sudden. Then he shuns away immediately, looking like a wronged kitten, "Is it ok to kiss you like this?"

Seungyoun finishes fastening the tie and smiles softly, "Yes, yes you can. I love you too."

When the two show up together in front of manager Choi, the man in his late 30s stares at them for a while, and then nods to Seungyoun politely and takes Wooseok away.

"Are you guys ok?" The manager asks Wooseok in the car.

"Nothing much," Wooseok answers briefly.

"Don't let your relationship affect your work, you know."

"I'm not gonna sign the contract if you keep mention this," Wooseok says. After all, he knows this manager for ten years, he says whatever he wants, knowing that the hyung would not get offended.

"Ok ok, fine. I'll stop." The manager retreats.

Meanwhile at home, Seungyoun turns on his computer and receives some tasks from his boss. He yawns and looks outside the window. It's a pretty nice day, maybe he should really take a walk. However, this thought is soon stopped by himself: just by thinking about the never-changing roads, street lamps, shops around the area… it has already made him sick and tired. So what if I "go out"? What will change about me? —he wonders.

So he looks back at the screen of his computer, and this time, he sees a news: a female celebrity committed suicide.

What a pity. Seungyoun sighs. This is a very famous actress. Everyone in Korea should know about her.

It feels weird to read tons of words describing someone's death, at least for Seungyoun. These cold, lifeless words are tucked together, telling you that a life is gone. However, the world keeps going. Nothing will change or wait for the dead.

He then reads the news more carefully. The actress hung herself at home. The corpse was found a few days after when her maid came to clean the house. She once told the public that she was dating a man, but that boyfriend didn't know anything about her death until the maid found it.

Keep reading, the actress wrote a note before killing herself, mostly talking about how tired she felt due to the external stress and expectations. She had severe anxiety and depression, and she had enough. She wanted to die.

In the comment section, besides fans mourning for her death, there were also many posts raising people's awareness of the mental illness, especially depression.

It is nothing new for celebrities to have depression, or maybe not just celebrities, many ordinary people in today's society also suffer from it. But only celebrities could take their lives in exchange for public attention. For Cho Seungyoun, he doesn't think he wants that much attention. He thinks people with depression should just go to see a doctor and take meds, and then they will get better. 

He keeps reading the comments and finds that some posts are condemning the boyfriend. They say that the boyfriend is actually the murderer because he didn't take care of his girlfriend who had depression. Seungyoun suddenly stops scrolling. He thinks about Wooseok, who was worried and frustrated for not being able to help him feel better. Now Seungyoun feels bad. People believe love can solve problems, but he has a lover, yet he's still sick. No wonder Wooseok would blame himself…

However, Seungyoun knows too well that Wooseok has done so much for him. He can even leave him instead of wasting his time living with this depressed and useless guy. But Wooseok didn't. Wooseok does nothing wrong, it's all his own fault for not being able to walk out of this self-hating mire. Seungyoun feels so helpless, he can't even figure out how to love Wooseok a little more. It seems that he cannot make Wooseok happy. And this is so frustrating.

Seungyoun lets out a long sigh and remembers that he hasn't taken his meds yet. So he goes to the kitchen and gets the bottle out of the cupboard. However, he accidentally spills it and dozens of pills are now in his palm. Seungyoun stuns for a bit and then observes these pills. 

They are just compressed chemical powers--Seungyoun suddenly thinks--they are nothing different from the lifeless texts he just saw on the websites. They are objects, they purely exist but meaningless. You don't even know if they make sense or if they can cure you. So how about swallow all of them at once?

This is a new thought for Seungyoun. He never thought about swallowing a large amount of pills. _What will happen if I do? Maybe nothing? Maybe just dizziness or nausea? Should I google the effects of overdose?_

_......_

Not sure how long has passed, but at one point, as if someone has snapped a finger behind him, he wakes up to reality. He realized that he is standing in the kitchen, not looking at anywhere specific. The thought of swallowing all the pills sounds dangerous to him now, and he is very clear that he shouldn't be thinking that way.

Seungyoun's heart races.

Wooseok, on the other hand, meets an "old friend" at today's variety show shooting. But to be precise, it is not just a "friend."

"Why didn't you tell me that he is also here?" Wooseok yells at his manager in rage because he sees Lee Jinhyuk the moment he walks into the studio.

"I'm sorry," Manager Choi apologizes insincerely, "If I told you he would be here, you wouldn't come in the first place, right? But this new variety show is so promising, you must join!"

"Fine, I'm not gonna extend my contract with the agency anyways," Wooseok pretends to be angry, but since he does this all the time to his manager, the latter feels relieved. At least Wooseok is not really mad.

Meanwhile, Jinhyuk immediately sees Wooseok after he finished talking with the director, so he runs towards him excitedly.

Wooseok instantly hides behind his manager as if this will prevent him from being found by Jinhyuk. But of course, Jinhyuk drags him out and gives him a big hug.

Their breakup was not that bad, meaning it was quite peaceful. One day Jinhyuk told Wooseok, "I think we should go back to being friends." And that was it.

Wooseok still remembers clearly the shock he felt at that time. They had no problem. He was very reliant on Jinhyuk, and Jinhyuk spoiled him a lot. Even though they would quarrel every now and then, they were still together for years.

So when Wooseok asked him "why," Jinhyuk answered, "I don't feel like we are 'boyfriends.' I feel like I'm more of a hyung to you. I don't think it's love. But you want 'love' and can't live without it. I know you too well."

Maybe Wooseok should be more furious, but at that time, he took it in. Or maybe because Jinhyuk indeed saw him through, and that made him feel betrayed and helpless. So he stayed quiet.

"Ok, we are both solo idols now, so we should learn to live by ourselves." This was the last words of Jinhyuk before they officially broke up.

But the reason that Wooseok is still mad about Jinhyuk today is that he was the one being dumped. And that was unacceptable. Jinhyuk would still call him to talk about stuff at work; after all, they are still in the same company and used to be in the same kpop group. However, the conversation would always end in fights.

Manager Choi feels embarrassed in between these two, so he leaves the scene. And then Jinhyuk smirks and asks Wooseok, "So how have you been? I mean, your love life."

"It's none of your business," Wooseok shouts at him.

Jinhyuk knows that Wooseok has a new boyfriend because Wooseok texted him the moment he got that new guy (maybe to brag?). But who is he? What does he do? Jinhyuk can't help but be curious. 

"Ok fine, you don't have to tell me. But I think you don't look very happy, at least I can tell from looking at your Instagram." Jinhyuk continues since Wooseok is not willing to spill.

_Darn it._ Wooseok curses internally, he truly knows him well.

"You know, you post stupid things when you are happy. But recently, your posts are so boring." Jinhyuk proceeds with his arms crossed against his chest.

Indeed, Wooseok used to enjoy designing his own Instagram page by posting photos of similar colors to create patterns and styles. But recently he doesn't have the mood to layout stuff because of the collapse of Seungyoun. 

Jinhyuk knows him too well.

"By the way, do you know… any therapist? Psychiatrist?" Wooseok decides to change the topic. He remembers that Jinhyuk has an older brother, who is a doctor.

"Wait, Wooseok, are you depressed? Is it serious?" Jinhyuk suddenly becomes worried.

"Shut up, I'm just curious," Woosoek says.

"Is it your boyfriend, then?" Jinhyuk persists.

_Shit. He really knows._ Wooseok complains inside his head, and then, he can only nod.

"Ahhh… no wonder you don't look happy." Jinhyuk now acts like he knows everything already. But he does seem concerned, like, genuinely concerned.

"It's ok. He's not that serious," Wooseok remarks casually.

"I can ask my brother. But I'm worried about you. Don't give yourself too much pressure. Other people's mental illness is definitely not your fault."

"I know." Wooseok answers in a quiet voice. He has to admit that Jinhyuk's words comfort him. He has been blaming himself all morning or maybe longer than that, and he even cried after today's unhappy brunch. He has been feeling frustrated for not being able to empathize Seungyoun's pain. However, he refuses to let go of Seungyoun.

And now he realizes that maybe he just needs a listener, like Jinhyuk, who can hear him out, and that makes everything better.

Their conversation is interrupted by Jinhyuk's new assistant. The girl runs toward them in a hurry, nods to Wooseok, and then shows Jinhyuk her cellphone.

"Hyung, have you seen this? The actress who will be working with you in the upcoming drama committed suicide!!!"

Wooseok leans closer to Jinhyuk on his tiptoes, trying to see what's on the phone. And then, he sees the news about the actress who hung herself.

"Oh no…" Wooseok exhales.

"It's depression," Jinhyuk says.

Wooseok's heart sinks. He looks at Jinhyuk, full of uncertainty in his eyes.

"Ok, I think we need to start filming the show for now," Jinhyuk returns the phone to his assistant and says calmly, "You just wait for the director of that drama to tell you what to do next." Meanwhile, he slightly pats Wooseok's back, as if he knows what Wooseok is thinking, or worrying about, right now.

"He will be fine with you by his side," Jinhyuk then whispers to Wooseok's ear, and pushes him towards the stage.


	6. Chapter 6

Although he doesn't want to admit it, Wooseok does feel much better after talking with Jinhyuk about Seungyoun's situation. And he decides the first thing he'll do after getting home is to apologize to Seungyoun and tell him that he will forever be by his side.

However, when he arrives home, he finds Seungyoun sleeping on the couch.

Wooseok walks closer to him and looks at his man, who seems to be in a deep sleep. This is rare since Seungyoun usually can't sleep well. The big man is now curling up on the couch and softly snores. Wooseok finds him cute, just like a baby.

Wooseok doesn't want to wake him up, so he goes into the kitchen to fetch himself a bottle of water. However, the moment he enters the kitchen, he sees Seungyoun's medicine bottle is there with the lid open, and there are some pills scattered on the counter.

A frightening feeling hits him instantly. He runs back to the couch without even thinking and starts to push Seungyoun harshly, "Wake up! Seungyoun! Wake up!"

Seungyoun opens his eyes, and vaguely, he sees his boyfriend is looking at him with tears in his eyes.

"Oh… Seok, you are back," Seungyoun says.

"What did you do? You scared me!!!" Wooseok is kneeling on the carpet and yells at Seungyoun.

"What? I didn't do anything. I was just... taking a nap here."

"Then what are the pills in the kitchen???"

Now Seungyoun realizes the situation here. Yes he was slightly out of his mind earlier in the day, and maybe he forgot to put the pills back to the cupboard. As a result, Wooseok thought he wanted to commit suicide.

"Ah, no worries. I was taking my meds and forgot to return the bottle. I'm sorry." Seungyoun explains and then sits up from the couch.

"Don't… Don't say sorry… I thought you… you wanted to kill yourself or something…" Wooseok cries out, "I just saw a news of an actress who committed suicide. So please Seungyoun, don't scare me… please…"

Seungyoun touches Wooseok's face and comforts him, "I'm not in that serious state. Don't worry about me." He then takes Wooseok's chin, pulling his face closer to him and gives him a light kiss on the lips.

Wooseok is not satisfied, he hugs Seungyoun immediately and makes the kiss longer. He can't hold back anymore, even if Seungyoun doesn't like this kind of kiss these days, he has to do it. He was so scared that Seungyoun took his life and now he wants to make sure his man is alive.

Maybe because Seungyoun just woke up, it is kind of hard for him to reject the kiss from Wooseok. The younger tries to knock open Seungyoun's mouth and stretches his tongue in it. Seungyoun subtly grants him access. And then Wooseok pushes him back and keeps kissing him while hovering over his body. Wooseok is so thin and light, almost like a piece of wood floating on the ocean.

Seungyoun slowly gathers his thoughts together, and not gonna lie, he actually enjoys this kiss. Maybe because Wooseok's soft and plumpy lips taste especially good tonight? Anyway, he finally surrenders and reciprocates the kiss. After quite a long time, their lips part, and Wooseok gazes at Seungyoun affectionately as if he is appreciating a piece of art.

"See, I told you I'm okay. Don't worry," Seungyoun smiles and looks at his beautiful boy. But Wooseok seems still worried as his eyes are watery and insecure.

"I thought… I thought you would never kiss me like this again…" Wooseok murmurs.

"Babe, my cutie, I was just… tired. Or maybe because the medicine deprived my will to make out sometimes. I'm sorry for making you worried." Seungyoun explains.

Wooseok nods and quickly kisses the tip of Seungyoun's nose, "I will never leave you. I will always be with you."

Seungyoun hugs him again tightly, sniffing the aroma arising from Wooseok's neck, "Thank you, babe, I will not leave you either."

"Ah, darn it. You just slept so well on the couch. Does that mean you won't sleep later tonight?" Wooseok suddenly realizes and jumps out of Seungyoun's embrace.

"It's okay. Oh did you eat anything? Do you want me to cook something for you?" Seungyoun asks. It's almost 10pm actually. 

"I'm not hungry. I'll take a shower now. See you in bed," Wooseok says.

While in the shower room, Wooseok tells himself that depression is normal. Although Seungyoun would still be cold to him sometimes, he is still functioning okay. He just needs to understand the fluctuation of Seungyoun's illness. He can do it. Yes, he can.

Meanwhile, Seungyoun is still lying on the couch, mesmerizing the kiss they shared just now. He feels more relieved than earlier today. After all, he's been living with depression for ten years. He is still alive, doing fine. He has a lovely boyfriend who cares about him so much and tells him that he will never abandon him. He is, indeed, very lucky.

Wooseok crawls into the comforter after the shower, and Seungyoun is already in bed, reading a magazine.

"Let's go travel somewhere," Wooseok suddenly proposes, since he sees that it is a travel magazine in Seungyoun's hands.

"You are so busy. I don't think you have that sort of time," Seungyoun says.

"If it's just a few days, we should be fine," Wooseok utters.

They have never traveled together since they began dating, so this idea does sound nice to Seungyoun. He turns to Wooseok and asks, "So where do you want to go?"

"Hmm… somewhere near the sea?"

"Jeju island?"

"No! Let's travel abroad. Let's go somewhere farther where no one knows us," Wooseok remarks.

"Okay, anywhere you wanna go," Seungyoun yawns. It's weird, he actually still feels sleepy. Maybe because of the increased dose? He wonders.

Wooseok notices it, too. So he pulls the magazine out of Seungyoun's hands and says, "You should stop reading if you feel sleepy."

Seungyoun nods like a good boy. He slides into the comforter and looks at Wooseok innocently as if he's waiting for some compliments.

Everything is normal. Everything is fine between them. Wooseok tells himself, and then caresses Seungyoun's head, "Sleep well, my good baby. Good night."

That night, Wooseok has a nightmare again.

In the dream, Seungyoun was standing at the edge of a cliff. There was a rope tied around his waist. _Is this bungee jumping?_ Wooseok in the dream thought.

And then Seungyoun jumped off the cliff in front of him. Wooseok rushed to the edge, only found out that Seungyoun disappeared in the abyss. The rope didn't protect him at all!

"NO!!!! Seungyoun!!!" Wooseok in the dream screamed desperately, and in reality, he wakes up in a panic, sweating all over his body.

It takes him a minute to gather his senses together. He knows it was a dream, but he just cannot calm down. Seungyoun, who sleeps beside him, is murmuring something. He is half-awake due to the hassle caused by Wooseok.

Wooseok touches Seungyoun's hand and says, "Sorry Youn, it's a bad dream. Go back to sleep."

"I mean, don't you have too many bad dreams recently?" Seungyoun now fully awakens and asks him in the dark.

"I don't know why…" Wooseok grasps his hand tighter.

"You have become a light sleeper, too. Are you feeling too stressed lately?" Seungyoun says.

"I don't feel any difference. Everything is pretty much the same for me," Wooseok answers.

"So what dream did you have? Can you tell me?"

Wooseok thinks for a second. He can. But he doesn't want to. Dreams are supposed to be false perceptions, right? There is no need to tell Seungyoun such unpleasant dreams, especially when it is about his death.

Seungyoun knows that Wooseok still doesn't want to tell him, so he suggests, "Maybe you should take some sleeping pills tomorrow night? Otherwise, I'm afraid your condition at night will affect your work during the day."

"Yea, maybe," Wooseok sighs and lies down again. He then hugs Seungyoun in the comforter, tightly.

"My little koala, I am here. Don't be afraid," Seungyoun reassures him. He actually feels good for the fact that Wooseok is in such desperate need of him. If he cannot control his depression, at least someone is always here to make sure that he will not jump into the abyss of despair.

The next morning, Wooseok wakes up finding that Seungyoun is no longer in bed, again.

Honestly, he doesn't like this feeling. Even though he knows Seungyoun is just outside making breakfast, he still hopes that he could cuddle with him in the morning. Anyway, it's not the right time to complain since he is almost late, according to the schedule on his phone. Today's schedule is the same as yesterday. He will be picked up by his manager soon, and then go to film that variety show where Jinhyuk is also a guest. 

"How do you know I have to leave early today?" Wooseok walks out of the bedroom and asks Seungyoun, who is cutting some fruits in the kitchen.

"I can't sleep anyway," Seungyoun answers. But this reminds him, he used to love sleep. How come he can never sleep well now as he ages? Is it because he slept too much during his teenage years?

Wooseok roams to the bathroom, and when he comes out again, the breakfast is ready on the table, of course.

"What kind of work do you have today?" Seungyoun asks.

"Same as yesterday, a variety show," Wooseok answers nonchalantly.

"Anyone there that you know?" Seungyoun asks this because he knows that it always takes Wooseok a long time to get familiar with new coworkers.

"Erhh… Jinhyuk is there…" Wooseok is a little embarrassed to mention that name. So he takes a big sip of coffee afterward.

Seungyoun seems a little surprised, and then says, "I thought… you wouldn't be working with him again. Don't get me wrong, I just remember you said that once."

Wooseok doesn't expect that Seungyoun would still remember this. Indeed, one day he yelled at his manager on the phone while cuddling with Seungyoun in bed, demanding him to never put Jinhyuk on the same show with him again.

Maybe it was a bad idea to tell Seungyoun… Wooseok is a little regret. He glances at Seungyoun and can't decipher the older's expression. Is he mad? Or thinking about nothing? So he adds, "It's my ahjussi [he calls his manager this sometimes] who forced me to take this job. He didn't tell me that Jinhyuk is there and I found out when I arrived yesterday…"

"It's okay," Seungyoun blurts out while looking totally chill, "I'm not mad or anything."

"Oh… Okay," Wooseok feels relieved and wonders if he's overreacting. Maybe it's because he didn't sleep well last night?

Wooseok's cellphone rings. It's the manager who is already waiting downstairs. He finishes the coffee and runs back to get changed. When he comes out again, Seungyoun has already prepared a bag of fruits and toasts.

"You have a weak stomach, so eat your breakfast in the car," says Seungyoun.

Wooseok takes the bag, and all he wants to do is to kiss his boyfriend—the best boyfriend in the entire world. So he does just that. And before he leaves the house, he turns back and says, "Youn, you know, falling in love with you is my best decision in life."

***

How did Wooseok fall in love with Seungyoun?

At first it was merely because of his music. Wooseok came across a song made by Seungyoun and immediately wanted to work with him. And then when he finally saw this genius's face, it was purely a love at first sight.

Wooseok did wonder if it was because he just broke up with Jinhyuk that he found another guy attractive. But he also didn't want to make it seem like Seungyoun was not as appealing as Jinhyuk. So he stopped comparing.

Wooseok actually fell deeper for Seungyoun after moving into his apartment. To him, Seungyoun is like a swamp that pulls him in. It is strange. Wooseok is actually a very clingy person in love, but when he's with Seungyoun, even though the latter sometimes would be immersed in his own world and doesn't say much, he still feels blessed and satisfied. He likes the mysterious part about Seungyoun. That is his charming point in his eyes.

Most of the time, Seungyoun spoils Wooseok a lot. They have never had a big quarrel since they lived together. This is totally different from when Wooseok was with Jinhyuk. Wooseok feels that he has become more patient when with Seungyoun, and he likes that change in himself. He would still act like a wishful child sometimes in front of Seungyoun, but the latter is like a golden retriever who never gets mad at him.

Seungyoun would wait for him to get home from work, no matter how late it was. Seungyoun would also sit there, making music in the living room, and that is so sexy to Wooseok. Seungyoun's back feels so warm and reliable that Wooseok always can't resist the temptation to hug him from the back.

"Why are you so perfect?" Wooseok would always ask Seungyoun when he's hugging him.

"I'm not." Seungyoun would say.

"Yes you are. You are perfect the way you are, right now." Wooseok would press his face on Seungyoun's back like a needy cat. He loves him so much, he wants to be with him forever.

So, it seems there isn't a specific reason for Wooseok to fall in love with Seungyoun. It just happened. 

But after Wooseok found out Seungyoun's depression, things have changed a bit. He began to feel insecure when their kisses and sex became unenthusiastic. He noticed that Seungyoun smiled less and didn't talk much.

Wooseok wanted to help Seungyoun feel better, happier. But he's too busy with his work as an idol. Everyday after he gets home, he can't think about anything, he just wants to have a rest.

Of course, Seungyoun has been telling Wooseok that he's fine, or that he'll get better after taking medicine. But Wooseok becomes more and more unsure. At first, he didn't know what he was afraid of, until that morning when Seungyoun told him, "you don't have to wait for me," that solved the enigma—he's afraid that Seungyoun would lose interest in him, dislike him; and worse, Seungyoun would force himself to be with him.

But again, talking with Jinhyuk yesterday made Wooseok feel a little better. Maybe it was not anyone's fault. People just have different amount of serotonin in their head, and people's mood fluctuates. Maybe things will get better soon. So he needs to be strong.

Manager Choi drives Wooseok to the studio for shooting the variety show. Jinhyuk approaches him upon he enters the space and knocks on his head.

"Are we that close?" Wooseok rolls his eyes and complains.

Jinhyuk smirks. And this is what Wooseok hates about him—he always seems like he knows everything about Wooseok, and imposes his thoughts on him. So arrogant.

"Why are you so pissed in the morning?" Jinhyuk asks, still smiling.

"Yes, so what?"

"Nothing," Jinhyuk shrugs, "I just feel that you haven't changed at all, always grumpy in the morning."

_You haven't changed at all. —_ Wooseok doesn't like the sound of this sentence. It feels as if Jinhyuk still has sovereignty over him.

"Just smile. There are so many new colleagues. You don't want to leave a bad impression on them, right?" Jinhyuk pats Wooseok's shoulder, and then he remembers something, "Oh, so I asked my brother, and he gave me a number of this excellent psychiatrist." Jinhyuk then pulls out his phone and scans the contact list.

Wooseok now decides to give Jinhyuk a friendlier look. He is surprised that Jinhyuk actually did this favor for him so quickly. 

Jinhyuk finds the number and sends it to Wooseok, he then adds, "It is probably a tough time for your boyfriend, so you should stay with him, support him, okay?" He then leaves.

Wooseok looks at Jinhyuk's tall back, and secretly feels regret for being mean to him just now.

The variety show is actually a cooking show. Although this kind of program is nothing new, it still gets a lot of media attention because it is a national channel that carries it, and the director and producer are quite famous. Wooseok never cooks, he knows nothing about cooking. So if it was not due to his manager's force, he would never accept a job like this. But on the other hand, wouldn't it be nice to learn some cooking skills so that he can help Seungyoun? Wooseok secretly wonders.

During the show, the guests are divided into groups to cook together. "Unsurprisingly," Wooseok and Jinhyuk are together because the producer wants to create more drama/viewership by teaming up two former members of the same kpop group. Moreover, there had been rumors back in the day that they were dating, or at least their "ship" was quite popular when the group didn't disband. So now, this combination will definitely attract more viewers.

Wooseok was pretty sure that Jinhyuk can't cook either. But when the shooting starts, he is surprised to find out that Jinhyuk is actually pretty good at the basic stuff. Meanwhile, himself is the only dumb one who is so silly and clumsy. At one point, Jinhyuk can't bear it anymore so he just asks Wooseok to wash some vegetables and make the plates look beautiful. But even doing this kind of easy things, Wooseok is still cumbersome as he gets burned by the hot food when pouring it into the plate.

"Aigoooo, why are you so silly!" Jinhyuk complains and naturally grabs his hand and washes it under running water. Wooseok is startled by Jinhyuk's sudden move and realizes how close they stand to each other. The cameraman is nosy enough to immediately catch this scene. And of course, TV viewers all over the country will see this "intimate interaction" between them very soon.

During a quick break, Jinhyuk approaches Wooseok again and sits beside him.

"You don't look so happy. But you know what, the rating of this show will probably go high because of your clumsiness," Jinhyuk jokes.

"Damn you!" Wooseok yells. He hates Jinhyuk's personality! But then, he asks out of curiosity, "How come you can cook now?"

"Oh…" Jinhyuk suddenly blushes, and after a while, he says, "My girlfriend is good at cooking, so I learned something from her."

"Girlfriend?" Wooseok repeats, in shock.

"Well, yea. We are dating secretly."

Wooseok doesn't know how to react now. He feels all kinds of things all of a sudden. Jinhyuk was his first love. And now, he has a "girlfriend?" Just like any other "normal guy"? So what was he to Jinhyuk? A mistake?

Jinhyuk somehow senses Wooseok's uneasiness, so he pats his head and says, "Don't overthink. You should take good care of yourself, okay? We are still best friends."

"Who's your 'best friend'?" Wooseok dodges, sipping his coffee in silence.

Later on, the shooting doesn't go very smoothly. Actually, it is never easy to film a cooking show because there are too many hassles with food and appliances. When they finally finish, it is almost 1am.

"Ah! I'm so tired. There are 11 more episodes? How am I gonna survive this???" Wooseok complains in his manager's car on the way home.

"Sorry, but you know, this show is gonna be so popular. So please bear with the difficulties!" Manager Choi begs.

"And I have to be with Lee Jinhyuk for 11 more episodes! God, you really hate me, don't you?" Wooseok protests.

"But I think you guys are getting along well?" The manager says, "He's taking good care of you in the show. I can tell that you guys are still friends even though you broke up." Their history of dating was no secret to the manager.

"No! He was just afraid that I would burn the studio down! That's why he was helping me!" Wooseok shouts, "We are not friends! I hate him!"

"But, I saw you guys were talking happily during the break…"

"Ahjussi! Can you just focus on the road instead of me?" Wooseok is so done with this conversation.

The manager was partly teasing him. And now he decides to be quiet since his super idol seems really mad.

Yes, Wooseok is mad. But the real reason is probably something else. In fact, talking about Lee Jinhyuk has made him recall the fact that he now has a girlfriend.

Maybe because it's late at night and he's exhausted after a whole day of shooting, Wooseok suddenly bursts into tears. He tries his best to not making any sound and just letting the tears run down his face silently.

It's almost 2pm when Wooseok arrives home. He walks into the bedroom quietly and finds that Seungyoun is lying there with his eyes closed. He is still holding a magazine in hand. The table lamp is on, casting soft light on his face. Ah, his boyfriend looks so handsome, so peaceful.

Wooseok notices that Seungyoun has been sleeping more than before recently, which is a good thing. So he carefully puts his hand on the switch of the table lamp to turn off the light. However, the moment he reaches the switch, Seungyoun suddenly opens his eyes and scares the shit out of him.

"Babe you are back. It's been a long day, huh?" Seungyoun naughtily seizes Wooseok's wrist.

"Yea… don't mind me. You should go on to sleep. I'll take a shower and come back," Wooseok says.

"How about you just come here and sleep?" Seungyoun insists, and abruptly, he pulls Wooseok closer to his body.

"Wait!" Wooseok is obviously confused. Seungyoun hasn't been this… proactive for a while… Is he sleep talking or something? He wonders.

"Are you alright?" Wooseok decides to ask, "You know that I always take a shower before sleep, don't you?"

"Then I'll accompany you to the shower," Seungyoun says while grabs his chin and... gives him a deep, passionate kiss.

Wooseok is stunned. He can't even close his eyes during this kiss because, Seungyoun doesn't seem alright. He never truly wanted to kiss him recently, so what is this now? However, while Wooseok is still wondering, Seungyoun has already pried open the smaller man's mouth, sucking his tongue as if he's devouring a juicy strawberry. 

For some reason, Wooseok doesn't want this right now. He pushes Seungyoun away and says, "Don't do this… Seungyoun… I'm really tired…"

And now it's Seungyoun's turn to be surprised. He gazes at Wooseok's face, finding it quite blank. Moreover, he realizes that Wooseok's eyes are so red and puffed; apparently, he cried before coming home.

"I'll go with you to the shower," Seungyoun utters coldly, "I've been missing you the whole day."


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🔞warning in this chapter

Seungyoun gets off bed and hugs Wooseok from the back, pushing him to the direction of the bathroom. Wooseok has been quite tired, and he honestly has no thoughts right now. 

"Wait, what's wrong, Seungyoun? I thought you were already in bed?"

"I miss you. I want to take a shower with you." Seungyoun suddenly bites Wooseok's earlobe and says. 

Wooseok almost forgets to breathe. Indeed, when they just started dating, they would always take a shower or baths together while having sex. However, since Seungyoun has been quite cold sexually for a while now, Wooseok is so confused about the current situation they are in.

"Are you okay? I… I'm tired today." Wooseok softly whispers.

"I won't do anything, babe, trust me, I just want to see you."

"But you are already hard!" Wooseok can feel Seungyoun's cock against his body from the back. He sighs, "Do you really want it?"

Seungyoun doesn't respond to the question but just hugs Wooseok tighter. His hair is getting long and rests on Wooseok's neck, making the shorter man feel ticklish. Wooseok is hesitant; he's not lying when he says he's tired, but since Seungyoun hasn't been this needy for a long time, he figures that he will do him a favor, but not too much. So he grabs Seungyoun's hands, which are gently rubbing his stomach and says, "Okay, but just in the shower, not the bathtub."

"Yes." Seungyoun kisses Wooseok's neck with satisfaction. 

The moment they enter the bathroom, Seungyoun instantly fixes Wooseok's body against the bath vanity and starts to pull off his shirts. Wooseok doesn't wear much, so it doesn't take Seungyoun long to expose his entire naked body in front of him.

"You've lost weight," Seungyoun observes sensually and says. Seungyoun feels disappointed, they hug each other to go to sleep, and he didn't realize until now?

Seungyoun doesn't say a word before directing caressing Wooseok's body and directly goes for his nipples, kissing and sucking from one to the other. Meanwhile, his hands work on Wooseok's belt and next thing Wooseok knows, his pants are sliding onto the floor. Seungyoun excitedly stomps on the pants and kicks them away without even looking. 

Wooseok still feels so strange to see Seungyoun suddenly being so excited about his body; on the contrary, he doesn't feel turned on at all. It's more like he's about to do a service to Seungyoun, following their usual routines in the bathroom. So according to the routine, Seungyoun would play with him more by putting him on the counter of the bath vanity, but today, he seems to have forgotten this part and totally indulges himself in devouring Wooseok's smooth skin. 

Wooseok tries to reach the drawer beneath him and grab the lube but finds out it is not there because they just finished a tube last time and forget to buy new ones. This makes him a little worried because he usually needs that to lubricate. Seungyoun also sees the empty drawer, yet he seems so impatient and… angry. While Wooseok is still startled by Seungyoun's abnormal moves, Seungyoun has already dragged him into the glass shower room. Wooseok can't really think straight, he's exhausted, and he just wants to follow whatever Seungyoun has led him to do.

However, he ultimately comes to his senses when cold water suddenly runs down from the shower. He almost screams out and hugs Seungyoun tightly. Seungyoun then turns around to let his own back take all the coldness. Until the temperature gets normal again, he says, "It's okay now, babe."

Wooseok doesn't want to look at him. Both of them are completely wet now and Wooseok feels quite uncomfortable, but he stays quiet. 

Seungyoun then abruptly grabs Wooseok's shoulders and turns him to face the glass. Wooseok holds the handrails knowing this is how Seungyoun usually fucks him in the shower—from the back. However, he is still worried because, without lube, he is not sure if it will be hurtful. 

But that thought doesn't last long since Wooseok feels that Seungyoun almost becomes a beast, who licks and sucks his skins all the way from his neck to the lower back. Wooseok is quite sensitive so his body moves uncontrollably with the touch of Seungyoun's tongue. He holds the handrails even tighter when the man behind him finally reaches his last spine, and then licks the crack of his butt. 

"No…" Wooseok lets out a moan. He belatedly feels that something is so wrong, so intimidating. He tries to look back but he can't because Seungyoun thoroughly presses his powerless body on the glass. Seungyoun licks his hole passionately, trying to get inside and get deeper. Wooseok doesn't like this feeling. Really. It feels like a punishment to him. So he yells, "No Seungyoun, don't do this… please…"

"It's not comfortable for you?" Seungyoun stops.

"I… I don't like it…" Wooseok feels so ashamed, and he almost cries.

"But if I put my cock in you directly, you'll get hurt." Seungyoun says while slaps Wooseok's buttocks harshly. He then never listens to Wooseok again, and keeps invading that tight hole using his tongue. 

Wooseok is devastated. He leans against the glass and feels like he's been exploited both physically and mentally. His forehead is on the glass, so are his two fists. Seungyoun's hands seizing his waist are so tight that his lower body cannot move at all. He closes his eyes and feels the intimidation, and he groans, "Please Seungyoun, don't lick me like that… I don't want it…" But the man behind him hears nothing. 

Wooseok's head feels heavy. He thinks he just cried, but he's not sure because it may be the water from above. And then, a sharp feeling hits his lower body again. He is stunned for a few seconds before realizing that it was Seungyoun's finger piercing into his delicate hole in the back. He automatically squeezes his buttocks, but Seungyoun's angry voice raises without mercy, "Don't freaking do that!" 

Wooseok is completely lost. He loses words, he does not even have the energy to moan. As Seungyoun moves his fingers inside him, his brain is totally blank. 

"Why don't you say anything today? Come on, moan for me." Seungyoun demands.

Wooseok wants to say something in return, but suddenly, another finger enters him, and it freaking hurts. Wooseok finally screams: "Cho Seungyoun! You are a moron! It fucking hurts!"

Wooseok seldom curses, and that's why it suddenly wakes Seungyoun up a bit. He seems to realize how ruthless he's been, but then, he also recognizes that there is no way back at this point. He leans on Wooseok's trembling back and murmurs, "I'm sorry dear," as if he's trying to engrave these words into his skin. 

Wooseok feels a little better after cursing, but then he is already a mess inside and out. The wet things all over his body, are they tears? Water? Can't be sperms, right? Wooseok doesn't even know. But he thinks Seungyoun hasn't put his cock in yet and that he definitely will. So he begs, "Can you just come in already? I'm tired… please…" 

Seungyoun hears Wooseok's weak voice, and he honestly feels sorry. But on the other hand, his shaft is so hard that he does want to give up intruding the already loosened hole. So with a sense of guilt, he still holds his weapon and finds where it is supposed to go.

Meanwhile, Wooseok is giving up. He holds the handrail on the glass tightly, that's the only thing he still has the strength to do. He breathes hastily and desperately when he finally feels Seungyoun's cock. It's so hard, so furious, and it is even expanding inside his own body. 

Wooseok lets out a long cry as the cock fully penetrates him. Seungyoun then leans even closer to him and asks, "Do you feel okay?"

Wooseok can't speak, he just nods.

"Say something, babe." Seungyoun insists. He loves Wooseok's voice during sex.

"Just fucking move already…" Wooseok totally loses it. 

Seungyoun is kind of turned on by Wooseok's anger. So he starts to thrust and ram inside. The sound of their skins hitting each other and the splash of water in the narrow space are together so loud and sensual. Wooseok tries his best to hold onto the handrail and suppresses his moans. He thinks that he's definitely falling into pieces. 

Seungyoun seems to have lost his conscience. He penetrates the smaller man selfishly and groans constantly. In fact, the more Wooseok is keeping quiet, the harder Seungyoun wants to hit him. He wants to hear that beautiful sound, why is Wooseok not giving him tonight?

After so many in and outs, Wooseok finally gives in. He gasps, and then screams, "Seungyoun… Ahhh… Ngh…. Seungyoun…" 

Wooseok knows, Seungyoun hasn't been this crazy for him for a long time, so maybe he should be happy. However, he can't. Instead, he keeps crying because he can't felt any love from this sex. It is just an animalistic behavior to him. Seungyoun is using him, exploiting him. 

Although love and sex don't really have to go together, Wooseok is still devastated and disappointed. He yells at the end when Seungyoun unloads himself, and then collapses. 

**

The next day, Seungyoun wakes up due to a chilly feeling. He looks around and sees that Wooseok has all the comforter on him and showing his back to him. Seungyoun's guilt hits late but hard now. He hugs Wooseok from the back, but Wooseok just shoves him away. 

Seungyoun looks at the ceiling and mutters, "I'm sorry."

"You were insane. What crazy medicine did you eat yesterday? What was wrong with you?" Wooseok complains while still not looking back at him.

Seungyoun doesn't say a word. He recalls what he did to Wooseok last night. The memory is fragmented but clear, and thus he also starts to wonder if he took the wrong medicine. However, the real reason behind it was so childish--he got jealous. 

To explain, Seungyoun was on twitter last night before Wooseok came back, and he was bored so he searched the name of the show that Wooseok was filming. And then, he saw a photo posted by the program's official Twitter account, in which Jinhyuk was taking Wooseok's hand and flushing his burned fingers under the running water. 

Wooseok was wearing a pink apron in the photo, he was smiling, though somewhat uneasily. Meanwhile, Jinhyuk was looking all concerned beside him. They looked great, quite like a loving couple. And the whole atmosphere of the show's setting made the scene even more like a cozy home. The caption of the photo read: "Don't miss out on the new 'I love my kitchen' show, where you will see the long-awaited reunion of these two cuties."

Seungyoun immediately had a twitch in his heart.  _ So this would be how they looked like in the past?  _ He wondered. He knew little about Jinhyuk, only that Wooseok seemed to hate him a lot, and they would always quarrel on the phone. However, after seeing that photo, Seungyoun suddenly thought that maybe their relationship was not that bad. Sometimes the more people fight, the better they get along, isn't it? 

So how different was Wooseok, when he was with Jinhyuk, than he is today? Seungyoun couldn't help but wonder. Of course, he also felt ashamed for being jealous of something like this. Why would he? He had never had this kind of feeling before. He didn't even care if Wooseok just wanted to feel less lonely when he confessed to him. So why? Why was he feeling uneasy and jealous tonight? Seungyoun couldn't understand his mind all of a sudden. But all he knew was, he had an urge to punish Wooseok. 

That was what happened afterward. Seungyoun knew Wooseok was tired, yet he still went ahead and had sex with him. 

But right now, Seungyoun seems to regain his morals. He was a jerk last night. He was using Wooseok's love for him to exploit and hurt him. He just wanted to make sure that Wooseok loves him and him alone so that he fucked him almost without consent. 

He was insane. 

"I'm really sorry, Wooseok." Seungyoun apologizes again, even though he would never admit it was due to this unfamiliar feeling of jealousy. 

Wooseok still doesn't respond, and he covers himself with the comforter even tighter. 

Seungyoun then reaches out to touch Wooseok's hair; however, as he accidentally bumped his forehead, he was shocked to find out that Wooseok has a fever. 

Shit. Now Seungyoun is feeling even more guilty. No wonder Wooseok snatched the comforter all to himself. He must be feeling cold. Seungyoun lightly pats Wooseok on the back again, and this time, Wooseok doesn't shy away. 

"I'll get you some medicine," Seungyoun says. 

In the past, Wooseok would probably feel so soft and happy when Seungyoun is being so caring like this, but he feels plain now. He wants to forgive Seungyoun, and maybe he already did. But for some reason, he still feels annoyed just by hearing Seungyoun's voice. 

Seungyoun comes back with a glass of warm water and the medicine. He literally inserts the pills into Wooseok's mouth and then feeds him water. Wooseok swallows them, and that makes Seungyoun much relieved. He then asks, "Do you have to go to work today?"

"Yes." Wooseok answers coldly.

"Can you not go?"

In fact, he doesn't have to. But Wooseok still keeps his eyes shut and stays quiet. 

"I thought you only have that variety show to film recently, right?" Seungyoun continues to talk because he can sense that Wooseok is ignoring him on purpose, "I'll call your manager and ask for a day off."

"It's all your fault. I don't want to be with you today." Wooseok finally blurts out.

Seungyoun instantly feels hurt. Wooseok has never said something like this before. However, it was indeed all his fault, so he shakes his head and says, "Okay, fine. I'll let you rest. I'm leaving this room for now."

As soon as Wooseok hears the sound of the shutting door, he hugs himself in the comforter. He doesn't want to think about what happened last night, but the hurtful feeling just comes back to him again and again. 

Suddenly, his phone rings on the table next to the bed, he grabs it, and it is a message from Jinhyuk.

"My brother said that that psychiatrist is free this afternoon and tomorrow. Maybe you can make an appointment now."

Wooseok contemplates for a few seconds before realizing that Jinhyuk is talking about the psychiatrist whom he wanted to see and help Seungyoun. However, seeing Jinhyuk's name at this point only makes him remember what really happened before he went home last night: he actually cried in the car, knowing that Jinhyuk has a girlfriend. 

Simply put, he was jealous, jealous of his ex is now with some random girl. He was angry that Jinhyuk found himself a girlfriend after ditching him, and that he was probably not gay at all. Moreover, he was not even recovered from this feeling and then almost got raped by Seungyoun in the bathroom. Everything was so messed up last night. He had the worst sex in a while and now he's sick. What the hell? However, he has no one to blame, really. Maybe it was his own fault. He shouldn't be jealous of Jinhyuk since they already broke up a long time ago. Also, he did say "yes" to Seungyoun last night, when he was actually not in the mood of having sex in the shower. 

"I'm sick. I'll pass." Wooseok replies to Jinhyuk. He doesn't have to tell him that he's sick but, he somehow wants to see if Jinhyuk still cares about him, now that he has a  _ girlfriend.  _

"You caught a cold last night?" Jinhyuk replies quickly.

"Something like that. Anyway, I'm having a fever now."

"That sucks. Take some meds. Or ask your BF to take you to the hospital."

"Can't you care about me more?" Wooseok responds furiously after seeing the words "your BF" on the phone. And then he immediately feels confused. He doesn't know what he really wants now. Why was he asking Jinhyuk to care about him?

"Gotta go. Byes." Jinhyuk sends another message without answering Wooseok's question. This makes Wooseok even more mad. He hates how careless Jinhyuk is. Even when they were dating, Jinhyuk was always full of himself and never paid attention to details. However,  _ why would I still have expectations for him now _ ? Wooseok wonders. 

Meanwhile, Seungyoun is sitting on the balcony, having a call with his therapist/psychiatrist. He is telling him that he can't go to the appointment today because his boyfriend is sick in bed.

"Anything happened?" The therapist senses something unusual. 

Seungyoun pauses for a few seconds and says, "Well, we… had sex last night, and I hurt him… It was because I got jealous for some stupid reasons and I was out of my mind…"

"That was rare of you," the therapist says, "Are you feeling better recently in terms of your depression?"

"Much better," Seungyoun answers, "I don't mind kissing him, and I get more excited to see him… But to be honest, I feel like I'm no longer myself sometimes. I never cared about what my partner would do with other people, but last night I was way off… I mean, I'm scared I would hurt him again…"

"Don't conclude for yourself," the therapist says on the phone, "Why don't you think in this way: you desire him more than ever, and that's a good thing?"

Seungyoun chews these words carefully, and then says, "Maybe… I'm afraid of losing him more than before…"

"And that's nothing wrong with you," the therapist follows up.

Seungyoun stays silent.

"Okay, we'll talk more next time during our session then," the therapist proceeds, "I still need to observe your effects since we just added doses. And it's normal that the change of doses will affect your mood in a turbulent way. But if you ever have the feeling of ending your life, I want you to call me immediately." 

The conversation ends. 

Seungyoun lights up a cigarette. He looks at the skyline of Seoul from his own balcony and suddenly remembers that he once said he'd die for Wooseok. That was, honestly, an exaggeration, but now he wonders, if there's really a day that he'd choose to die for Wooseok, what will the reason be?

After consuming half of his cigarette, Seungyoun hears some steps from behind. He turns around and sees Wooseok, who is in his pajamas and looking at him silently. 

Seungyoun immediately presses the cigarette butts in the flowerpot next to him and asks, "Why are you up?"

"Sorry, I just want to apologize," Wooseok says while running to hug Seungyoun, "but it was mostly your fault."

Seungyoun is totally perplexed, but Wooseok's words make him smile. So he embraces the smaller man and says, "So you have forgiven me?"

"Not really. But you should never… lick me like that… I hate that… Also, I want lubes… otherwise, I don't want to have sex."

"Okay, sure." Seungyoun is delighted because Wooseok has finally decided to forgive him. 

Wooseok then continues, "And whatever I say next, you should not be angry with me."

Seungyoun thinks for a bit, and then nods, "Okay, go ahead."

"I… was actually jealous of Jinhyuk last night. That's why I wasn't in a good mood when I came back. He told me he had a girlfriend and for some reason… I cried…"

"What did you say?" 

Seungyoun abruptly lets go of Wooseok after hearing this. 

And the silence between them is unexpected yet horrifying. 

Wooseok looks at Seungyoun, who seems in shock right now, and feels an instant regret. He was in bed just now, feeling bad for not letting Seungyoun know the truth, and that's why he is here apologizing to him. But he didn't expect that Seungyoun would really react like this… this is scary. 

"You just said you would not be mad…" Wooseok murmurs.

However, what he doesn't know is that the reason that caused Seungyoun's "abnormality" last night, was also Lee Jinhyuk. 

In short, Seungyoun was just about to let his jealousy go, yet Wooseok appeared and announced the truth, which then confirmed his earlier assumption. 

"Oh, really? So what were you thinking when you were flirting with him on that show? Didn't you guys break up a long time ago? Why would you cry for him for having a girlfriend? And last night when I was fucking you, were you thinking about him as well?" Seungyoun exclaims all at once. 

Wooseok is in shock, "What… what are you talking about, Seungyoun? How could I… Last night I…" However, he realizes that he has nothing to explain. He didn't think about anyone in the shower last night, but that was not the point here, after all.

"Tell me more, more about you and him then?" Seungyoun forcibly pushes Wooseok, and the latter falls into the sofa near him.

Wooseok has absolutely no idea why things become like this. Why is he suddenly like a criminal being questioned? He feels so powerless, so vulnerable. Meanwhile, the Cho Seungyoun standing in front of him is not the normal Cho Seungyoun either. He looks scary, cold, and repressive. Although Wooseok admits that he was wrong in some ways last night, he came here to apologize and be the normal self, who is candid and always telling the truth. So why is Seungyoun so mad at him this time? Even though he can empathize with Seungyoun's insecurity, who can take care of him then? He hasn't been sleeping well in the past weeks, he has frequent nightmares, he has to deal with complicated jobs and relationships, and he also has an increasingly chaotic heart.

This is so unfair. Wooseok thinks angrily, so he sits up straight and stares into Seungyoun's eyes, "Do you really want to know? Then I'm telling you, I had sex with some members from my previous group. I dated three guys before. I loved Lee Jinhyuk the most before meeting you, although he didn't take me seriously. Are you satisfied now?"

The next thing he knows, Seungyoun furiously places one leg on the sofa and leans down to get so close to him. Wooseok retreats nervously, but still, his chin was grabbed roughly by Seungyoun's hand. 

Seungyoun sees sadness and stubbornness in Wooseok's watery eyes. And Wooseok, who bites his lower lip, cries in a quivery voice, "You don't even treasure me, how can you demand me to love you only?"


	8. Chapter 8

The two of them are in stark silence. Seungyoun seems to be taken aback by Wooseok's burning question. His pupils are shaking while his hand is still grabbing Wooseok's fragile chin. He looks at Wooseok's steadfast expression, and finally, he retreats. 

Wooseok seems full of self-protection. He was scared by Seungyoun, who suddenly scolded him just now. But he is tough enough to look back into Seungyoun's eyes. In fact, if Seungyoun doesn't apologize, he will never give in first. That's just his personality. 

Of course, Wooseok wins. Seungyoun collapses on the floor and says, "Sorry, my bad."

"I should have thought about your feelings too," Wooseok then murmurs.

That was perhaps the first real conflict since they started dating. But it was just like a quick thunderstorm.

Wooseok now begins to feel some regret. Was he out of his mind? Why did he tell Seungyoun about his past? Yes, he dated and slept with several guys before, but no one could tolerate him and treat him as nicely as Seungyoun does. Why did he yell at Seungyoun with those mean words when it was his own problem? He looks at Seungyoun, who is sitting on the floor in front of him, and suddenly feels so wrong. He then says, "Sorry dear, sorry. It's all my fault…"

"No, don't be like this. I hurt you last night. You had all the reasons to blame me." Seungyoun doesn't look at him in the eye while saying, "I will not force you in the future. If you feel like I'm hurting you or you are fed up with me, you can just leave me. I'll be fine." 

In fact, when Wooseok said "you don't even treasure me, how can you demand me to love you only?" it somehow got stamped in Seungyoun's head. It still hurts. But it is, sadly, true. There must be so many people who are capable of loving Wooseok. After all, Wooseok is an idol. He deserves all the love in the world. 

What Seungyoun said only makes Wooseok's heart even more painful. Maybe he would feel better if Seungyoun is still mad at him or wanting to punch him. Wooseok hates himself for being this selfish. He should have known that Seungyoun has been refraining from wondering about his past; he should have known that Seungyoun does care and does get hurt. Seungyoun is just pretending to be okay and putting up with his childishness and selfishness… Meanwhile, he is using Seungyoun's kindness to exploit his feelings.

The more Wooseok blames himself, the more he doesn't know how to think straight. It almost feels like some rusty gearwheels in his head are stop working. He really wants to say something to Seungyoun, maybe more apologies? But he just can't. This makes him suddenly so anxious and worried. Then, out of nowhere, he can't help but knocks the armrest of the sofa using his fist uncontrollably.

The sound scares Seungyoun, he looks up at Wooseok in shock, and then he sees him hitting the hard wooden armrest with that delicate fist restlessly as if he's out of his mind…

It takes Seungyoun another few seconds to realize that he should stop his boyfriend from hurting himself. However, Wooseok fights to get rid of his hold, almost pushed him to fall on the ground again. 

This is insane. Seungyoun has no idea why, all of a sudden, Wooseok is acting like this. Wooseok is in agony, his eyes and face are burning, he's like another person to Seungyoun… And then Seungyoun finally shouts, "Stop! Wooseok! Calm the fuck down! Look at me!!!"

Wooseok then stops. Seungyoun has never yelled at him this loud, loud enough that he finally comes back to his senses. And then, he feels the pain in his hands and realizes that he was probably out of his mind just now. He only remembers that he was so irritated by himself, and there was an urge to destroy something. And then, he hit the wooden armrest? What the hell? 

Seungyoun is now holding his left hand, softly rubs it. Wooseok examines his face, it is full of sorrow and distress. Seungyoun is still so soft, so caring, and he could never find a better boyfriend than him… so he suddenly bursts into tears, "I'm sorry, Seungyoun… I don't know what just happened to me… I… I'm sorry…"

Seungyoun leans forward and hugs Wooseok, who is apparently at the edge of a mental breakdown. He wonders if Wooseok actually has anxiety, not just a little, but almost at the stage of a breakout. Wooseok is extra small and vulnerable within his embrace, his skin is still hot from the fever, and he can't stop crying. Seungyoun's heart breaks. If only he didn't do that in the shower last night; if only he didn't suddenly get jealous and yell at him; if only he could pretend that he wasn't mad about Jinhyuk...

Seungyoun shakes his head to get rid of these thoughts, and then whispers to Wooseok, "I'll take you to bed, babe. You are still sick." 

He then stands up while holding Wooseok like a princess. Wooseok is still sobbing but with Seungyoun being all soft and caring again, he feels much better and wipes his tears on the taller man's chest. He is like a baby when Seungyoun is taking care of him. And this marks a temporary reconciliation between the two. 

Wooseok feels like he's melting once he hits the bed again. Seungyoun sits beside the bed until making sure that his boyfriend is falling asleep. He then grabs a chair and sits on the balcony outside the bedroom and starts to think about taking Wooseok to see a psychiatrist. He is pretty sure that what Wooseok did just now was a sign of mental illness. Also, this is common for idols in this country. Wooseok has always been very strict to himself. He is serious about his job, and he would even force himself to do things that he doesn't like, such as participating in some stupid variety shows. Seungyoun once thought Wooseok's mental status was still stable because he always had numerous admirers around him, and he never lacked "love." As an idol, he has fans' love, and as an individual, he would look for love immediately after breaking up with his ex...

However, since Seungyoun has been quite depressed recently, he couldn't give Wooseok the same amount of attention as before, and that probably has made the younger insecure. Seungyoun recalls, the most apparent sign is Wooseok's worsened sleep quality, especially his continuous nightmares. And before yesterday, Wooseok was quite tolerant of his depression, trying to get along with it, but perhaps not anymore...

Seungyoun turns around to look at Wooseok, who is sleeping tightly. He questions if the two of them should have a conversation as well. They should tell each other what they care about and what they want to know, instead of being suspicious all the time and then being frustrated one-sidedly. 

This makes Seungyoun wonder if his depression has become better since he feels more passionate about Wooseok and their relationship now. But unfortunately, Wooseok is falling into a mire of despair. So it is him who has made Wooseok depressed and anxious? Maybe. And then, they must find an exit of this Mobius ring. 

Seungyoun gets back into the room and checks on Wooseok again, and then, Wooseok's cellphone suddenly vibrates. Since it says "manager" on the screen, Seungyoun decides to pick it up. 

"Hey Wooseok, I'm coming to pick you up in an hour." Manager Choi says on the phone.

"Er… It's Seungyoun. Wooseok is sick in bed now…" Seungyoun answers in a quiet voice. 

"Really? Ah… okay then. We just have a monthly meeting, but it's not mandatory for him to show up. Then please take care of him. Tomorrow he has to film that variety show again, you know."

"Okay, I will." Seungyoun hangs up the phone and gently pats Wooseok's forehead. His face is not as red as just now, and his expression has become soft and relieved. He's like a little rabbit in Seungyoun's eyes, so pure and vulnerable. 

However, when Seungyoun puts his cellphone back, it vibrates again. This time, it is a message coming in. Seungyoun is curious so he takes a look at part of it, which is discernable on the screen. And then, he finds that it is from Jinhyuk: "Hey, I come to 'care about you more.' Are you feeling better now?"

Seungyoun frowns, but he immediately reminds himself to not be sulking. This is silly. But on the other hand, he is positive that Wooseok must have contacted his ex Jinhyuk when they were having a fight at home, and told him that he was ill. So at least that means Jinhyuk can still give Wooseok something that he cannot provide. 

Seungyoun thinks he needs to shift his attention, so he goes out to the living room and checks on his computer. Today is the public mourning event for the actress who killed herself a few days ago. So the entertainment pages are full of her news and photos. Seungyoun looks at her, still beautiful and stunning in these photos, and wonders if her death was not all meaningless. At least she will be living in many people's memories forever. That's not bad. 

He then looks at his musical instruments sitting quietly in the corner of the huge living room. He recalls that when he was a college student, all he wanted was to be remembered by others and making people recognize his talents. However, later on, he realized that no matter how many songs he wrote and produced, he would never really become famous. People still only appreciate the ones standing in front of the stage, not someone in the back. Meanwhile, he also knew that if he only wanted to be famous, he would never make good music… it was in such a dilemma that he developed depression. 

Even today, he still thinks the reason for his depression was kind of lame. But anyway, he started to take medicine and accepted the fact that depression has become part of his life. The feeling of devastation comes and goes every now and then. Sometimes he got fed up with everything in life. He hated the competitions, the constant comparisons, and the meaning of making music... and then he would lock himself in a room, trying to avoid everyone and everything. 

By rethinking his depressive past, Seungyoun suddenly realized that maybe it was not random that he got jealous of Jinhyuk. After all, he is never an open-minded person. He would be jealous of other musicians who were more famous than him. Yet, he would just pretend that he didn't care even though what he actually did was to escape from reality. He made himself believe that he didn't give a damn, but one day when the frustration hit him, his whole world would collapse. 

The reason that he likes Wooseok is because Wooseok has given him a lot of reasons to "forgive himself." When he thinks he was a nobody, Wooseok appeared in his life and told him that he liked his music. Wooseok even held that fake "blind review" just to be able to collaborate with him. Seungyoun wondered why Wooseok didn't just contact him and ask for a collaboration; until one day, Wooseok told him the truth: "I wanted you to work when you felt the most confident."

"So aren't you afraid now that you have told me the truth, I would think I'm a nobody again?" Seungyoun asked him back then. But Wooseok smiled and kissed him, "I am crazily in love with you, how can you still think you are a nobody? You don't have to compare with anyone, you are the best in my eyes."

To some extent, Seungyoun is saved by Wooseok. It was Wooseok who persuaded him to stop comparing himself with others; it was also Wooseok who asked him to be more concentrated, more confident. Seungyoun can always feel the strength in Wooseok's small body. No wonder he's a top idol in this competitive kpop world. 

"See, don't compare, stop worrying, and then you can exert your full potential." This was what Wooseok said when the album that he produced for him got a gold disc award. 

"You've seen me through," Seungyoun said. 

"Not really. I just think you looked too tired. I wanted you to enjoy life more." Wooseok said while touching Seungyoun's forehead at the celebration party, "You always frown. Life is not that hard. You can make the best music when you are with me. You should be happy."

Seungyoun smiled. That was the first time he truly felt how wonderful it was to be in a relationship with Wooseok. He dated some people before, but never once did he feel he was in a position of "being watched." However, Wooseok's sharp eyes could always discover what he was trying to hide, and then he would blurt it out fearlessly, just like when he first confessed to him. 

_However, why does Wooseok feel so different now?_

Seungyoun pulls his thoughts back to reality. Then, he goes to the kitchen and makes some porridges for Wooseok. The morning passes slowly, yet he still hasn't touched his musical instruments at all. He may feel better about the depression, but for some reason, he still can't start making music. 

When it's noon, Seungyoun walks back into the bedroom. Wooseok is awake now and staring at the ceiling with his doe eyes wide open. 

"Are you feeling better now? I told your manager that you'll be staying home today." Seungyoun sits beside him and says. 

Wooseok looks much healthier now, and his mood seems to be stable. Their conflict and Wooseok's hysteria suddenly all feel like ages ago. 

"I have a running nose now," Wooseok says. Indeed, his voice doesn't sound normal. 

Seungyoun is again feeling guilty. Sometimes Wooseok would have fever after sex, but this time the symptoms are clearly much worse. Seungyoun pulls out a tissue from the box near him and covers it on Wooseok's nose. Wooseok smiles and blows his nose in it. His eyes are finally shining like stars, and he pushes Seungyoun away lovingly and complains, "What are you doing? Treating me like a kid? I know how to blow my nose!"

Seungyoun is actually amazed by Wooseok's smile. He hasn't been smiling like this for a while--carefree and beautiful.

Maybe they are back to normal then, Seungyoun thinks. 

"Oh, so your manager said you still have to film that variety show tomorrow," Seungyoun suddenly remembers.

"Wait? Did you call him? Did you use my phone?"

"Well, he called you, and I saw it was him, so I answered. I'm sorry." 

"Ah, it's okay. I have no secret on my phone whatsoever," Wooseok says while reaching his phone on the table. However, the moment he eyes at the screen, he sees Jinhyuk's message notification.

Seungyoun notices some intricate changes in Wooseok's facial expression, but the latter calmly unlocks the phone and reads the message in front of him. 

When Wooseok finishes reading, he looks up at Seungyoun, only finding the older looking at him in an uncanny expression, as if waiting for something to be explained. 

"Why are you looking at me like this? I said I have no secret. It's from Jinhyuk," Wooseok says nonchalantly.

Such an honest answer makes Seungyoun lose his words. He doesn't know why he's so insecure and fragile over a single message, and then he just says, "Em, okay."

Wooseok doesn't like to see Seungyoun being so plaintive like this, so he smirks and says, "What? What do you want to know, just ask."

However, for some reason, Seungyoun suddenly remembers when Wooseok said, "I loved Lee Jinhyuk the most before meeting you." And he feels defeated. 

Shit, why does he care about this so much?

"Nothing. I have nothing to ask you," Seungyoun stands up and mutters, "I get some food for you."

Wooseok's expression instantly darkens. He watches Seungyoun leaving the bedroom and closing the door, and then he looks down at his cellphone. His good sleep and better mood from just now are immediately ruined by Seungyoun's uncandidness. 

_Why is he so coward and didn't even dare to ask me the content of a text message? Cho Seungyoun, can you trust me more? Can you be more confident about yourself?_ Wooseok yells internally. 

In a few minutes, Seungyoun comes back with a bowl of porridge. Wooseok never knew that Seungyoun could cook, but then Seungyoun told him that he lived by himself abroad when he was very young, that's why he's good at cooking. 

Wooseok is still unhappy because Seungyoun was being unfrank just now. 

"I don't want to eat," he says.

As if he has already predicted it, Seungyoun doesn't force him. He just puts the bowl aside on the table and says, "Wooseok, I was thinking… maybe we should go see a psychiatrist."

"What? Why?" Wooseok is genuinely surprised and confused. 

"I think you are not doing well, you may need some counseling."

"Me? I feel okay. It's just a fever, what do you mean?" Wooseok asks. 

"Just now… I mean, before you came back to sleep… you were hurting yourself. Do you still remember? I was worried about you." Seungyoun explains carefully. He doesn't want to upset Wooseok's pride, but he wants him to realize that he may have some mental issues. 

Wooseok doesn't say a word. He knows what Seungyoun means. But now he thinks he was mad because it was Seungyoun who made him mad. If Seungyoun could be more candid, more honest with his own feelings, and just ask him whatever the hell he wanted to know, then he would not be that out of control, right?

So Wooseok looks at Seungyoun in the eyes and says, "No. I'm fine. I'm not going."

Seungyoun sighs, "Fine. Then eat something for now, okay? Do you want me to feed you?"

"No." Wooseok answers crisply. 

The porridge is in perfect warmth. Wooseok eats one spoon after another. Although he can't taste much flavor due to his running nose, he can still tell it's delicious. Seungyoun is perfect for him, but why, why is he always hiding his feelings from him? Why is he being more annoying recently? Wooseok wonders and suddenly becomes angry again. He throws his spoon in the bowl and says, "Cho Seungyoun, how can we go back to normal? To the past?"

"What do you mean by 'past'?" Seungyoun stands a few feet away from him and asks. His voice is uncertain as if he's talking to himself. 

"I don't know. But maybe like… we were just purely in love with each other, and we didn't think about our past or future... I want us to go back to that stage again."

"Then it's all my fault, Woosoek. I messed up everything," Seungyoun says. Indeed, everything worsened when his depression intensified about two months ago. 

"No, it's my fault. I raised unpleasant things from the past. But you do believe in me, right? I have no relation with Jinhyuk anymore. I only want you." Wooseok thinks this is his biggest compromise. He is apologizing to Seungyoun. 

Nevertheless, Seungyoun just lets out another sigh, and decides to tell him what he really thought when he was cooking just now: "I just think… maybe I will only disappoint you more… If you can get something from Jinhyuk that I can't give, then it may be better for you to turn to him…? I want you to feel free. I want you to do whatever you feel like doing. I don't want to force you…"

Seungyoun's words are abruptly cut off by the smash of the bowl. Wooseok threw it on the floor, and the porridge is now all over the place.

"Cho Seungyoun, you bastard! I want to kill you!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops the fight continues...  
> Actually I've been translating two chapters each time again... 😂😂When translating from Chinese to English, it becomes significantly shorter... 🤣🤣🤣


	9. Chapter 9

The bedroom is back to stark silence. Seungyoun is clearly shocked, but so is Wooseok. He has never been this angry and aggressive towards someone. And now, as he looks at the mess on the floor, he suddenly wonders if he was out of his mind again. He didn't mean to do it, but somehow, he did. There was a disconnection between his thoughts and actions. Wooseok is frustrated. What is going on? What is happening between them right now?

Seungyoun picks up the shattered glasses from the floor without saying a word. He then walks out and brings in a mop to clean up everything. Wooseok just watches him. He wants to apologize, but he only wants to apologize for smashing things, not the fact that Seungyoun made him angry by pushing him away. 

However, just when Wooseok is about to speak, Seungyoun utters, "I'll sleep in the other bedroom tonight. I'm sorry for making you so upset."

Wooseok stuns for a while, but then thinks maybe keeping some distance is the best way for them right now. So he says, "Ok, fine, let's both calm down."

Before Seungyoun leaves the room, he turns back and says, "I'm just gonna be in next door. If you need me, you can shout. Maybe I should just leave this house, but since you are still sick, I don't want to be irresponsible."

Seungyoun's voice is very calm and serene, but the content of his words is caring and considerate. Wooseok's heart hurts again. _Why are you doing this to me, Cho Seungyoun?_ _Why are you making me like the villain?_ He yells internally while watching Seungyoun leaving the room.

Indeed, Seungyoun never shows up in the main bedroom that afternoon. But at dinner time, he makes some food and brings them to Wooseok. Later, when Wooseok walks out to take a shower, he finds that Seungyoun has also prepared some medicine for him on the kitchen counter. "Take this before you sleep. Don't turn the shower too hot." A note is left on the table as well. 

Wooseok takes a quick shower and gets back into the bed. He then realizes that he hasn't been sleeping alone for a long time. The bed feels humongous and borderless to him. The comforter feels heavy and makes him breathless. He rolls back and forth in bed like a little kid. And at some point, he also tries to listen if Seungyoun is outside. However, Seungyoun really hides himself in the other bedroom. He just disappears like a ghost. 

Wooseok is slowly getting bored, so he looks at his phone and remembers that he hasn't replied to Jinhyuk's text yet. But what's the point of answering that message now? It's all Jinhyuk's fault!

_Wait, no, it is my fault._ Wooseok sighs, it was he whodragged Jinhyuk into this mess. 

_But overall, it's still Jinhyuk's fault!_ Wooseok pouts again, why did he find a girlfriend? Why did he agree to be on the same variety show? Wooseok's thoughts wander in the dark, and he finally falls asleep due to the medicine's side effects. 

In the middle of the night, however, he wakes up to another nightmare. This time, Jinhyuk was in the dream as well. 

He and Jinhyuk were still in a relationship, and they were on holiday in an American Western-style town. As they walked out of a bar, they heard the sound of a massive explosion. All the cars on the street started to honk, and the pedestrians were running and screaming. Wooseok didn't know why, but he grabbed Jinhyuk's hand and began to run toward where the sound came from, even though all he could see was a huge area of blazing fire. 

As they got close, Wooseok saw some corpses were showing from the ruins. However, they were still covered by stones and muds, totally burned and indiscernible. 

"Who are they?" Wooseok asked a policeman near him. 

The policeman checked his notebook and answered, "We could only identify one of the deceased. His name is Cho Seungyoun. We only found his ID."

Wooseok couldn't hear anything anymore. Jinhyuk was probably calling him, but all he could do was to run into the ruins and began digging in the fallen muds and stones with his bare hands. He recognized Seungyoun's shoes on one of the corpses, so he kept digging. Suddenly, he saw Seungyoun's hand was holding another dead person's hand! He then delved deeper, and finally, he recognized, the person that Seungyoun was holding, was himself. 

Wooseok wakes up in heavy sweats again. He can hear the sound of his wildly beating heart. He can still see the dead bodies and the two hardly discernable faces in ruins. 

They died. They died together. 

Wooseok is so scared, and he anxiously tries to find Seungyoun's hand like usual, but then he realizes that Seungyoun is not here tonight. Wooseok hugs himself and cries in the dark. He really wants to yell Seungyoun's name, asking him to come back. But his pride doesn't allow him to do that now. In the end, he takes some deep breaths and reclines back on the bed with tears all over his face. 

The next morning, his manager calls him at 6am. 

"I'm coming to pick you at in 40 minutes. Are you feeling better now? It will be another tiring day of filming, you know."

"Yea, my fever is gone," Wooseok says. However, he didn't sleep at all after the nightmare, so he still feels kinda messy. 

"I'll bring you some energy drink. Fighting!"

"It's fine. I've been in the industry for so many years. Being sick is nothing." Wooseok hangs up the phone. 

Wooseok then gets up and opens the bedroom door. He thought Seungyoun would probably be outside making breakfast, but no, he is not. However, he soon finds a bento box and some medicine on the table, with another note, "I don't want you to have a bad mood by seeing me first thing in the morning. So I made breakfast for you in advance. Take them with you, and take your meds."

Wooseok stares at that note for a while, and he is MAD. _What the hell, Cho Seungyoun? You think I'll have a good mood by reading this stupid note???_ However, he's too tired to be yelling at the other bedroom. He ends up taking the food and the meds with him and leaves the house. 

***

According to the schedule, this morning, the guests for the cooking show need to film an ad. However, everyone can tell that Wooseok doesn't look right. Jinhyuk's position is very far from him, so he can't talk to him during filming. Meanwhile, other guests of the show are all younger than Wooseok, so no one dares to ask him what's going on. The director has to pause so many times because of Wooseok. In the end, Wooseok tries his best to pull himself together and finally passes the last shot, in which he has to gaze at a basket of mushrooms enthusiastically…

During the lunch break, Wooseok goes back to his own resting room and locks his manager outside. 

"I wanna be alone. I'm still sick." He tells his "ahjussi."

The manager lets him be. Sometimes he thinks Wooseok has a "princess syndrome." However, since he's making money for the agency and is, most of the time, a lovely person, he can bear with him, even spoil him. 

Wooseok sits on the sofa and looks into the void. He doesn't want to sleep because as soon as he closes his eyes, the dead bodies from last night's dream would appear and creep him out. He then reaches out to the table to fetch his favorite energy drink, yet he accidentally spills the bottle because he doesn't have any strength. 

Suddenly, he hears someone knocking the door. 

It shouldn't be the manager since the ahjussi knows that he wants to be alone—Wooseok thinks— then it must be a staff coming for some work-related things? He struggles to stand up, switches to a friendly face, and opens the door--

It is Lee Jinyuk. 

Just when Wooseok is having a mini heart attack, Jinhyuk casually puts his big hand on Wooseok's forehead.

"Your fever seems to be gone, huh? But you still look so sick." Jinhyuk says with a smile. 

"I just didn't sleep well. I'm still sleepy," Wooseok shakes Jinhyuk's hand away impatiently.

"I was busy when you texted me yesterday. I replied to you later, did you see?" Jinhyuk leans against the wall with his arms crossed. He then notices the spilled drink on the table and frowns, "Are you really ok? Energy drink doesn't help, you know?"

"Then what should I do? Can I just leave? Of course not!" Wooseok suddenly yells. He is already tired and sick, and seeing Jinhyuk standing there with a carefree look, he becomes more irritated.

"I'm just worried about you. I mean, I can ask the director to film other parts first, so that you can rest for a while." Jinhyuk isn't sure why Wooseok is angry, but his voice changes from being jokingly to sincerely caring.

Wooseok now turns around and looks at Jinhyuk in the eyes. To be honest, his heart fluttered a bit when he heard Jinhyuk saying, "I'm just worried about you." And then, he continues to stare at Jinhyuk for another few seconds. Jinhyuk is wearing a light blue turtleneck sweater today. A beam of sunshine happens to be casting on his profile right now. He looks so warm, almost like an ideal boyfriend from a romantic drama. 

A dangerous thought hits Wooseok: _it must feel good to hug him…_

And the next thing he knows, his feet are losing control, he is walking towards him. 

Jinhyuk was all fluffy and cheery a while ago, but when Wooseok approaches him, he becomes uptight: Why does Wooseok look so fragile, so… helpless?!

Wooseok's head hits Jinhyuk's chest, and then he snuggles in that warm sweater bathed in the sunshine. He puts one ear near Jinhyuk's heart. Jinhyuk and Seungyoun have similar height, so it feels quite alike when he hugs them. Jinhyuk's body is so warm and comfy, Wooseok thinks, and his cologne feels familiar… 

Wooseok gradually closes his eyes. 

Jinhyuk is surprised at first, but then he reciprocates the hug, even though his hands remain some distance from Wooseok's back. Of course, Wooseok can feel Jinhyuk's uneasiness right now. But he just really needs a hug, nothing else. After all, they are no longer boyfriends, so this hug can be between friends. It's ok, it's ok, right? He tells himself. 

"Hey, do you… have some issues with your boyfriend? I mean, did you take him to the psychiatrist that I introduced to you?" Jinhyuk breaks his own awkwardness while somehow still sustaining the hug. 

Wooseok hears every word he said, but he is too lazy to answer. So he just cuddles in Jinhyuk's embrace, pretending he didn't hear anything. 

"According to my understanding of you, whenever you look like this, you are having some boyfriend issues," Jinhyuk tries to act natural so he jokes. 

"I don't know… maybe? I'm just feeling a little tired," Wooseok murmurs.

"Then don't force yourself."

"It's not that easy. I don't even know why we are in a conflict," Wooseok whines.

"I can't really help you with this, you know? Just be strong, ok?" Jinhyuk says while pushes Wooseok's small body away from him. 

"Maybe it's because I love him too much, so I don't even know what I am doing?" Wooseok contemplates, asking himself. 

As Jinhyuk pushes him away, he suddenly becomes more awake. Apparently, he and Jinhyuk are being too close right now. 

"Anyway, maybe you two should go to a couple counseling or something," Jinhyuk says earnestly. He tells himself that that hug was done. They should get back to normal business now.

Wooseok doesn't say anything back. Instead, he looks at Jinhyuk for another few seconds and abruptly asks, "Can I kiss you?"

"What? No!" Jinhyuk instantly rejects. His whole being seems like it's yelling: What the hell are you talking about?

Nevertheless, Wooseok is already on his tiptoes and leans forward; the next thing Jinhyuk knows, Wooseok's soft lips are already pressed on his. 

The kiss is short but enough to give Jinhyuk a panic attack. He stares at Wooseok and can't even say a word. Wooseok smiles naughtily, and before Jinhyuk can even react to what just happened, he kisses him again. This time, more inviting, more passionate. 

Jinhyuk finally realizes the gravity of the current situation, so he tries to push Wooseok away. However, Wooseok actually has quite some strength on his arms so he manages to lock Jinhyuk on the wall. 

So many things are going on at the same time. Wooseok is being naughty while Jinhyuk is being lost and panicky... But the latter slowly surrenders. And Wooseok takes the opportunity to finally pry open Jinhyuk's mouth and extend his tongue inside him to deepen the kiss. 

Jinhyuk wants to decline. He really wants to stop this. 

But he finds out that he can't anymore. Not that he still has feelings for Wooseok, it's just that everything feels so natural all of a sudden. It's like the only reaction one could have when someone like Wooseok kisses them. 

Wooseok is obviously satisfied. He moans in between their breaths and smirks when Jinhyuk finally reciprocates him, though slightly. 

Meanwhile, Jinhyuk begins to wonder, what is wrong with Wooseok? And what is wrong with his current boyfriend?


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I add a trigger warning? This chapter has some "skinship" between Wooseok and Jinhyuk. But this chapter also is the end of Weishin... Seungyoun will be back in the next chapter.

"See, you still can kiss a guy," Wooseok jokes when their lips finally part.

"You kinda forced me, okay? It's not like I could just…" Jinhyuk tries to complain, but he stops halfway because if he really wanted to decline, he could have at least made the kiss shorter. In fact, at some point, he slightly enjoyed it, too. He clears his throat and says, "Well, it's because I had experience with you, so I still can accept that; but I definitely _cannot_ with other guys. Anyway, whatever, it's all my fault, if that makes you happier."

This suddenly reminds Wooseok of Seungyoun, who would also avoid arguing with him by taking all the responsibilities. Actually, Wooseok knows the biggest drawback in his personality: he is so used to being spoiled, so he is quite capricious and willful. 

"You have a better temper now," Wooseok comments on Jinhyuk, "I thought you'd be mad at me."

"That's because of my girlfriend. You know, she's so soft that I can't just yell at her. But when I was dating you, since we were both guys, I kinda just shouted whenever I wanted."

"Jerk," Wooseok rolls his eyes. Also, the fact that Jinhyuk mentions his "girlfriend" makes him more irritated. For god's sake they just kissed, why would he have to bring up that girlfriend again?

Wooseok then suddenly pushes Jinhyuk's chest until the taller's back hits the wall. 

"Hey, haven't you played enough?" Jinhyuk is alerted this time. 

"It's all your fault. I'm having problems with him… it is all your fault!"

"Wait what? You mean you and your boyfriend? What did I do?"

"You need to take responsibility," Wooseok doesn't answer but instead, he looks up at Jinhyuk with his innocent eyes blinking. He knows too well how to make Jinhyuk fall for him, at least it worked every time when they were still dating. 

Bingo! Jinhyuk looks very uncomfortable when being gazed by Wooseok in this particular way, so he looks away. Wooseok's big and watery eyes always make him weak. In fact, if telling the truth, he thinks Wooseok's eyes are more beautiful than his girlfriend's. However, so what? He is a man, and he likes women.

"Look at me," Wooseok demands, "Are you afraid to look at me? Don't you already have a girlfriend? Why can't you just look at me?" Wooseok is being very forceful. However, his voice is discernably shaking and insecure. He feels worthless as if he's been abandoned by the world.

"Please, don't do this, Wooseok." Jinhyuk tries his best to stay sober, "What's wrong with you? Are you stressed? Let's sit down and talk." He tries to negotiate.

However, Wooseok nonetheless grabs his chin and then cups his face. Ah, it still feels familiar. 

"For you, was it the wrong decision to date me? Have you ever loved me when we were together?" Wooseok intensifies his gaze toward Jinhyuk's unsettling eyes and asks desperately.

"No… don't do this," Jinhyuk becomes so reluctant. He realizes that Wooseok still knows how to make him surrender, and how deep he could fall for his ardent eyes. 

"Answer me, don't lie to me. And then I'll let you go," Wooseok insists.

"Of… Of course I have loved you. We've known each other for so many years… of course I loved you…" Jinhyuk's voice almost cracks. Wooseok is being so needy and demanding. It almost feels scary to him.

Wooseok then smiles, "Okay, that's good to know."

Jinhyuk lets out a long sigh. But just when he feels a little relieved, Wooseok quickly pulls his chin and kisses him again, even though the taller man's lips are still shaking from just now's nervousness. 

_Shit, this is insane._ Jinhyuk can't be played like this anymore. He is almost mad at Wooseok. As a result, he holds Wooseok's nape and deepens the kiss this time. He then pushes Wooseok backward without breaking the kiss, until they both fall down into the sofa. 

Wooseok seems extremely satisfied. After all, this is what he wanted, even though he can feel that there is not much "love" involved, just some impatience and annoyance from the tall guy who is now above his body. He squints and mutters, "I didn't lock the door." But Jinhyuk doesn't respond, he bites his lower lip and proceeds to kiss Wooseok's rosy lips. However, this time as the kiss intensifies, Jinhyuk's head is filled with strange thoughts: maybe he is not fond of the way Wooseok keeps mentioning his "new boyfriend"? 

Before long, Jinhyuk's tender breaths are all over Wooseok's face. He caresses the smaller man's cheeks and sniffs his neck, then asks, "What kind of cologne are you using now? I don't recognize this scent."

"It's his." Wooseok feels ticklish by Jinhyuk's breaths, and he whispers the words into his ears. 

_Shit_. Jinhyuk curses inside. This answer ignites his possessiveness and somehow turns him on. He then looks at Wooseok fiercely, "Is he better than me in bed?"

"I… I don't know…" Wooseok is absolutely lost in the feeling of being wanted. He can hardly decipher Jinhyuk's question, so he just murmurs whatever words that come to his mind. 

Jinhyuk frowns and continues to lean down and kisses Wooseok. Wooseok feels so warm and comfortable. He was all frustrated and lonely yesterday when Seungyoun left him alone in the bedroom. But now, this feeling of "cheating" makes him feel oddly pleasant. 

However, soon he senses there is a hand stretching into his shirt and caressing his stomach. The next thing he knows, Jinhyuk's other hand is reaching to his belt. The sound of the loosening buckle finally awakens him. 

_Fuck, what am I doing???_

Wooseok opens his eyes in terror and uses all his power to push Jinhyuk away, "Stop! Jinhyuk! Stop! I really didn't lock the door!" He screams.

Jinhyuk falls down on the floor, looking astonished. But after a few seconds, he also comes back to his senses. 

This is fucking ridiculous. 

"You know, you are really good at seducing people," Jinhyuk sighs with a bitter smile on his face, "I almost fell for you again." He then puts his face in his palms.

"You came here first, how can you blame me?" Wooseok says.

"Yah! Wooseok! How can you say this?" Jinhyuk looks at him in disbelief. But the moment their eyes meet, Jinhyuk loses words. He remembers that he was the one who broke Wooseok's heart. He was the one who never really explained why he initiated the breakup. In fact, the reason was really lame: one day he woke up and realized that he would not marry a guy, so he thought about a breakup. 

Jinhyuk becomes quiet. He looks away thoughtfully. Meanwhile, Wooseok feels a little guilty. He tried to cheat on Seungyoun only because he wanted to make sure that he was still desirable. How could he be so childish? But then, it was because he was sad; he was disappointed when Seungyoun acted like he didn't care. He couldn't bear with the fact that Seungyoun didn't need him as much as he needed Seungyoun. He was, hopelessly, insecure. 

"I'm sorry. This will never happen again," Jinhyuk apologizes. 

"Sorry, I was out of my mind either," Wooseok grunts. 

"So, you and your boyfriend… you said it was my fault. Was it because you always mention me in front of him?" Jinhyuk asks, "Don't do that, okay? Even if he doesn't say it, he may still care."

"He's not that kind of person," Wooseok answers rapidly, "He's very chill. He even said in the beginning that he was okay if I just felt lonely and wanted to date someone and happened to find him."

Jinhyuk seems a little surprised, "Are you sure he's a decent guy? Or is he taking advantage of you?"

"No, he's so nice. He said he would die for me…" Wooseok lowers his voice. 

Jinhyuk shakes his head--What a weird couple! Each of them sounds so absurd and helpless. This makes him more worried about Wooseok, so he asks, "So, what triggered your problem anyway?"

"Well… he kinda forced me to have sex one day… and he did something that I didn't like."

Jinhyuk rolls his eyes, "Really? There are things that you _don't like_ during sex?" 

Wooseok kicks him violently and explains, "Two nights ago you told me you were dating a girl. I don't know why it made me so angry and sad. I got home having no mood for sex but… Anyway, the next day I was sick, and I texted you…"

Jinhyuk is stunned. He realizes that Wooseok was actually being jealous of him. Isn't it just like how he is also secretly jealous of his "new boyfriend"? 

But this has to end. 

"Let's all move on," Jinhyuk stands up from the floor, "You should take him to the psychiatrist that I mentioned the other day if things are really that bad."

"He already has a psychiatrist. I just wanted to consult a new one since he becomes more depressed recently." Wooseok admits. 

"Then you should talk to him. Don't force him. Don't try to change him. Depression may have something to do with the season change, too. Maybe he'll get better once the weather becomes stable. There are so many people having depression around us in this industry. If I know my depressed colleagues have a partner, I would feel better for him. As long as there is another person taking care of him, he wouldn't do stupid things." Jinhyuk says candidly and sincerely, "So, you should be by his side. And be patient."

Wooseok is genuinely moved, but he also doesn't want to say "thank you." Instead, he pouts, "Jinhyuk-ah, you know, you are not that annoying when you are being serious. But, most of the time, you are annoying."

Jinhyuk knows exactly what he is trying to express. But he decides to just smile and not saying a word in return. 

Wooseok then asks, "So, is there still a possibility between us?"

"What? Fuck no! Of course not!" Jinhyuk almost trips himself. He's had enough of Wooseok's randomness today. He won't fall for another time. 

"I was just kidding. Look at you!" Wooseok laughs. But then he calms himself down and says, "Maybe we can see each other more often? Like friends?"

Jinhyuk hesitates. To be honest, anyone would be hesitant when someone like Wooseok is giving this offer. However, he finally shakes his head and "educates" the younger: "Don't cheat on your boyfriend, even just mentally. Don't. This is not acceptable."

"But I'm scared," Wooseok suddenly becomes anxious and cries. He then curls up on the sofa and looks at Jinhyuk with tearing eyes.

Jinhyuk now finds something strange about Wooseok. His beautiful face is showing something very unfamiliar to him: he looks hurt, beaten, unconfident… these are the words that he would never use on Wooseok before. But now, Wooseok seems to have lost all his "princess syndrome," all his narcissism, and pride. 

"What are you scared of?" Jinhyuk inquires.

"I'm scared that he will leave me…" Wooseok hugs himself tightly and grumbles.

For some reason, this scene reminds Jinhyuk of many years ago, when Wooseok first came to Seoul by himself. He always looked nervous and scared. He would embrace himself at night just like this when he was homesick. Jinhyuk would laugh at him and call him "little mushroom," and then he would act like a big brother, telling him jokes and trying to cheer him up. 

"Things will get better. I'm sure." Jinhyuk sighs and hugs his little mushroom on the sofa again. This time, like a big brother.


	11. Chapter 11

The filming is quite smooth later that day. Although Wooseok was not functioning well in the morning, that "incident" with Jinhyuk kind of charged him up, or made him more awake. As a result, the crew finishes earlier than planned. Everyone looks happy, except Wooseok. 

Jinhyuk walks Wooseok and his manager out of the studio. Before they get on the van, he slaps Wooseok's back and says, "You guys will be fine. Just be patient."

Wooseok nods.

In fact, Wooseok is so nervous on the way home and his stomach is even groaning the entire time. He thinks about how he broke the bowl yesterday, how Seungyoun left him alone in the room, refused to see him off in the morning, and of course, thinks about what he just did with Jinhyuk in his resting room... all these things make him stressed and angry at the same time. How will Seungyoun see him? Will Seungyoun be so mad at him and wants to break up with him? 

Manager Choi has noticed something might have happened between Wooseok and Jinhyuk, so he constantly glares at Wooseok while driving. And finally, he says out of curiosity, "It seems you and Jinhyuk are getting along well. I told you you will be fine working with him again."

"It's only for the show. He is still annoying, so don't ever put us on the same schedule again," Wooseok still sounds irritated. 

"What did he say to you just now?" As someone who knows their relationship in the past, manager Choi can't help but want to know more. In fact, when he asked Wooseok to come out and record again at noon and saw Jinhyuk was in his resting room, he had some ideas already.

"Ahjussi, can you just… leave us alone? You know how annoying he is, and he likes to be dramatic." Wooseok really doesn't want to continue this topic. Basically, he doesn't want to think about Jinhyuk anymore now that he is on the way back home to Seungyoun.

"Okay, fine." Manager Choi smiles and decides to keep spoil this kid since he wants to extend the contract with him. As he notices Wooseok's worsening health, he suddenly proposes, "How about I give you a vacation after this variety show is done? You see, spring is almost coming. You may need to refresh yourself." 

"Really?" Wooseok immediately changes from being maddened to excited. This proposal definitely works for him. 

"Yea, but you need to promise me that when you come back from the vacation, you need to sign and contract with me." Manager Choi starts his negotiation along the way.

"Tsk," Wooseok pouts and sits back again. Actually, he will likely extend the contract since he has really lost the ambition to develop a new career in another agency. Not to mention that he actually wants to get married to Seungyoun in two years, so why move all of a sudden?

He sighs. It seems that anything he thinks will go back to Seungyoun. They are almost home, and he feels nervous again. 

Wooseok refuses to let the manager go up with him. He enters the elevator alone and looks at himself in the big mirror. He looks exhausted and pale, almost ugly in his own standard. And now he has to face Seungyoun with this look… for some reason, he suddenly feels very unconfident. 

However, the moment he enters the pin codes on the door, he smiles the aroma of beef soup—his favorite, coming from the kitchen. 

He roams inside the house and looks at Seungyoun, who is wearing a pajama and apron, standing in the kitchen. From the back, Wooseok can clearly see his beautiful and sexy shoulder blade. He bites his lower lips, imagining what would be like to hug him from the back. But wait, why is Seungyoun making his favorite soup? Does that mean he is no longer mad? Or, is he gonna cook it and leave it in the kitchen, together with another note, just like this morning? 

It is quite noisy in the kitchen, so Seungyoun didn't notice Wooseok. So at one point, when he turns around to get a bowl, he is shocked by the smaller man's appearance. 

"Oh hey, you're back!" Seungyoun almost shouts. 

"I… yea…" Wooseok feels sorry and awkward since they haven't talked for almost 24 hours. 

"Why didn't you tell me? How long have you been standing there? Are you feeling better? Did you take your medicine? See, I made your favorite soup…" Seungyoun asks a series of questions.

Wooseok is absolutely stunned. He looks at Seungyoun who still seems so soft and caring in that apron, and suddenly loses all his words. The way Seungyoun stares at him is always like he's appreciating a rare diamond. The fact that he's being too sweet right now makes Wooseok wonder if everything happened yesterday and this morning was just his illusion. 

Since Wooseok hasn't spoken a word, Seungyoun walks closer to him and asks, "Are you all right? Tired?"

Wooseok shakes his head, all of a sudden, he is buried in guilt, "I'm sorry, Seungyoun. I shouldn't get mad at you yesterday. I shouldn't have broken the bowl… It's all my fault…" He can't confess more, of course, and this is enough for him because he has never really apologized to his boyfriend before (even when he was wrong). However, since he started dating Seungyoun, he says "sorry" a lot more often, and this time, it feels the sincerest, and the worst. It makes him hate himself, hate the fact that Seungyoun is so nice to him. He ruminates the feelings and tries his best to hold his tears from falling down. 

However, Seungyoun almost laughs out when he sees Wooseok suddenly being so wronged. He finds him cute this way, but also vulnerable and needy. In fact, Seungyoun spent the whole day at home doing a self-introspection. Indeed, he was not happy when Wooseok broke the bowl yesterday. Although he didn't blame Wooseok, it did make him unwilling to talk to him. And that was the first time he felt this way for Wooseok's "princess temper." Nevertheless, this morning after Wooseok left the house, he began to blame himself for not considering the fact that Wooseok was actually sick. Of course it was valid to have some bad temper. Also, if it was not him who forced Wooseok in the shower the night before, he wouldn't be sick in the first place. As a result, Seungyoun decided to make up for his fault by cooking Wooseok's favorite soup tonight and acting like nothing ever happened. But unexpectedly, not only did Wooseok come home early, but he also brought up the topic about yesterday himself. 

Seungyoun smiles and shakes his head. He crouches down and looks at Wooseok as if he is a child. He grabs Wooseok's hand and says lovingly, "My baby, don't say that. I shouldn't have left you alone in the bedroom. You haven't slept by yourself for a loooong time, right?" He says while swings Wooseok's arms, and his eyes smile like the crescent moon. 

Wooseok eventually bursts into laughter by Seungyoun's action. He pulls his hands out of Seungyoun's and quickly wipes his watery eyes, "Yah, don't treat me like a kid in the kindergarten!" 

"Well, you are, more or less, one of them. And hyung is not mad at you." Seungyoun jokes in a whiny tone. After all, he loves Wooseok. Even though he could be capricious, self-centered, and gets angry quite easily. He is still the cutest guy he has ever seen. His candidness, his clumsiness, everything about Wooseok makes him fall for him.

"I thought you hate me," Wooseok pulls Seungyoun from the floor and directly hugs him.

"Well, I also like the part where you made me angry," Seungyoun says.

"I don't believe in you. Yesterday you didn't want to talk to me at all! And this morning, you didn't even want to see me first thing in the morning! What the hell was that note?" Wooseok finally returns to his normal finicky self and complains. 

"Because this morning I didn't know how I should face you," Seungyoun admits, "We've never quarreled like this before. So you need to give me some time to think, please?" Seungyoun's voice is patient and lovely. He hugs Wooseok back and moves him from the kitchen to the living room without breaking it, as if he's trying to make up the lost intimacy from yesterday. 

With the aroma of the beef soup all over the house, Wooseok closes his eyes and feels Seungyoun's warmth. He wonders if he's too fortunate to meet Seungyoun. How could he meet someone this perfect? This suddenly makes him wonder if Seungyoun's depression is gone, or his increased medicine is taking effect? Because even last week, Seungyoun didn't even want to touch him. So is this happiness right now only temporary? Transient? What if Seungyoun becomes the cold and quiet one again tomorrow, and loses interest in him again? Wooseok has no idea why, instead of enjoying the moment, he starts to get panic like this. 

"I love you, Wooseok, I'd die for you." Seungyoun murmurs.

"Don't say this, please." Wooseok really doesn't like to hear him say anything about "death." He doesn't remember since when did Seungyoun begin to say he'd die for him. At first, Wooseok wasn't really concerned, but once he noticed Seungyoun's increased antidepressants, he became more sensitive. He even fears that one day, Seungyoun will really disappear from his life like bubbles. 

"Don't die for me. I'm not worthy of your death. I want you to live." Wooseok whispers back. 

Seungyoun doesn't say anything in return. But after a while, he holds Wooseok tighter and buries his lips in the notch of his shoulder. 

However, this suddenly reminds Wooseok of the fact that Jinhyuk did the same thing to him at noon. He almost jumps out of Seungyoun's embrace and stares at him in panic. Seungyoun is lost, "What… what's the matter?"

"No… nothing. I want to take a shower." Wooseok runs directly to the bathroom, turns on the shower knob until the splash sound of water fills the entire space. He sighs, and looks at himself in the mirror…

Indeed, Seungyoun should never die for someone like him. He is so useless, so selfish, so needy. He ran to his ex just because he had a fight with his current boyfriend not even 12 hours ago… He doesn't deserve Seungyoun's love… he really doesn't… 

Wooseok keeps staring at himself in the mirror, the more he looks, the more he finds himself flawed. He looks tired and dim; he has lost the carefreeness and youthfulness from many years ago. His face, the things he has done… everything about him now feels wrong and infuriating. He finally bursts into tears and collapses against the bathroom vanities.

See, he says to himself, you are almost 30, and you are still an annoying crybaby...

At this moment, he hears Seungyoun's voice from outside, "Wooseokie, are you okay? Why were you suddenly running away? Can I come in?"

"No, nothing. I'll just take a shower and come out." Wooseok hurriedly wipes his tears away and shouts towards the door. 

He begins to undress, but he doesn't even want to look at his body in the mirror again. He enters the shower room and let the running water wash away the body touched by Jinhyuk. He turns the temperature up until the water even hurts his skin.

He stands there, suddenly feeling so unfamiliar with his body. His hands, torso, organs… are these all belong to "Kim Wooseok"? Is "Kim Wooseok" a container? How come he doesn't recognize this container anymore?

He wonders what's going on with himself right now, yet it feels somewhat familiar. He tries to recall when was the last time he felt this way, but he slowly loses consciousness…

"Wooseok! Kim Wooseok! Wake up! What are you doing???" 

He hears someone calling his name and hitting his face.

_Hey… don't hit my face… I use this face to earn money…_

"Wooseok! What the hell have you done to yourself?"

_Wait, why are you scolding me?_

And then, he feels someone has used a big towel to wrap his body and takes him outside of the bathroom.

_Ah, I feel so light. I feel like I'm flying in the sky…_

***

When Seungyoun heard a crashing sound from the bathroom, he hesitated for a second, wondering if it was just his illusion. But just in case, he tried to knock the bathroom door and called Wooseok's name. When there was no response in a minute, he started to panic. Finally, he found the key and broke into the room. There, he saw Wooseok was lying in the corner of the hot and moist shower box, unconscious. 

Seungyoun is freaking out. He opens all the windows and turned on the fans. He pats Wooseok's face and yells his name. After god knows how many times, Wooseok finally opens his eyes, slightly. 

"Do you want to burn yourself or suffocate yourself? You are crazy!" Seungyoun scolds him while carefully wrapping up his small body using the largest towel on the rack. He then carries him and stands up. For one second, he thinks that Wooseok is vaguely smiling. 

Seungyoun takes Wooseok to the bedroom and the smaller man is too weak to open his eyes again. Seungyoun opens the window in the room, but he is worried that the wind may be too cold, so he puts a blanket on Wooseok's body and places a towel behind his head so the wet hair will not cause another fever. He knows Wooseok was just passed out due to the hot water and lack of ventilation, but still, he is anxious.

"What were you thinking, Wooseokie…" After putting everything in place for Wooseok, Seungyoun pats Wooseok's forehead and whispers. 

Wooseok is half-awake, he can hear Seungyoun's voice but can't really answer him. It's that feeling that you are in a dream and you know it, but you just cannot wake up. 

"I feel like I'm flying…" Wooseok finally mutters with a vague smile on his lips. 

"What do you mean?" Seungyoun asks.

"Nothing," Wooseok shakes his head, and then he moves his hand to look for Seungyoun's. He does this all the time when they are in bed together. This makes him more secure. So last night, when he woke up from a bad dream and couldn't grab Seungyoun's hand, that feeling was devastating. 

Seungyoun gazes at Wooseok painfully. He looks powerless. He's been filming for a day while still being sick; he then went directly to shower without eating anything, and almost killed himself in the hot and sealed bathroom. Seungyoun wonders what's going on in Wooseok's head, but the only thing he can make sure is that Wooseok is at the brink of some kind of breakdown. He can feel it because he had a similar experience before. 

After a while, Wooseok's face turns into a healthier color. Seungyoun wants to stand up to close the window, yet the moment he stands up, Wooseok's hand pulls him down.

"Don't go. Don't leave me." Wooseok opens his eyes and begs.

"I'm just going to close the window," Seungyoun answers softly.

"Then promise me you will not jump out of it."

Seungyoun is shocked by the words, "What? How would I jump out of the window?"

"Then that's fine," Wooseok nods his head in satisfaction, and releases Seungyoun's hand.

When Seungyoun closes the window, he immediately notices in the window's reflection that Wooseok is staring at him alarmingly, as if he's really worried that Seungyoun would jump. The taller man runs back to him and comforts, "See, I'm coming back to you."

"Umm…" Wooseok hums, "Never jump, never…" Wooseok seems so weak but reassured. And suddenly, his words made Seungyoun remember that there was one time that he actually wanted to jump. 

It was a time when he was suffering from more severe depression. 

Seungyoun made many songs and uploaded them online during college years, and some of them got good feedbacks from fans. However, most of them were amateurs, so he couldn't really make money out of it. He would also send demos to musicians or artist agencies which he admired, but none of them ever got back to him. The situation continued after he graduated. One day, he found out that his bandmate from college suddenly became famous. It turned out that a song this bandmate made went viral online, and soon after, he was scouted by a large music label and began to write songs for the most popular idols. Seungyoun was jobless and poor at that time, seeing such different fate of his old friend was thus quite a knockdown for him. However, he had pride, too. He couldn't just say he was jealous. But at the same time, he was indeed frustrated and couldn't make any new songs. Moreover, what made him more depressed was that none of the fans that used to hype his page had ever wondered where he went during that time. This made him realize that he was really just a joke… he had some fans and was happy about it, but it turned out they could just leave and hype anyone else… After all, he didn't have any talent to make a living using music.

It's never easy to walk on an artistic path. However, he couldn't just change the way because the music was everything to him. He was only in his 20s, and all of a sudden, he couldn't see his future. After realizing how fragile and useless he was, he completely lost confidence. He hated himself and his works. He told his parents that he was doing okay, even though he was so broke.

One day, Seungyoun decided to withdraw all his money from the bank and went to Jeju. He used his final "life savings" to book the best hotel near the sea. The money could afford a week's stay, so every day, he was just sitting on the balcony on the 15th floor and doing nothing else. In the morning, he looked down at the people on the beach; at night, he aimlessly listened to the sound of waves hitting the sands. Sometimes he would look up and see the moon and stars. Everything seemed beautiful, but all he could think was, wouldn't it be better to just jump out?

On the last day of his stay at the hotel, it was time to make a decision. He didn't have much thought, nor was he afraid of death. He had nothing left, and he decided to first spend the day sitting in the same chair on the balcony. The ocean wind was ruthless, he almost felt like his bones were cold, too. 

It's been a week, nobody ever looked for him. He was basically forgotten by the whole world. It must be okay for him to jump out of the balcony. After all, he's a trouble anyway. 

As the night falls, it's time to leave. 

However, the moment he stood up from the chair, he saw a gleam of crimson light appearing on the horizon. 

He had never seen anything like this. The ocean at night was so dark and quiet, the whole world at that point felt like it was waiting for a grand show. He was so drawn into nature and couldn't help but stare at the end of the horizon. He had never been this concentrated before, either. But the whole atmosphere felt like it had stopped the flow of time and absorbed him in. Finally, a huge, bloody moon rose from the end of the world, lighting up the deadly ocean below his feet. 

How beautiful! Seungyoun suddenly regained his senses. He didn't know if he was still breathing but he started to wonder:

_Would I see it again if I choose to live?_

***

"Seungyoun, I'm hungry. Can I have some soup?" Wooseok's voice brings Seungyoun back to reality.

"Ah, of course. Let me get some for you." Seungyoun says while standing up. But before he leaves the room, he remembers something and turns back to Wooseok, "Don't worry, I'll be back very very soon."

Wooseok's eyes follow Seungyoun to the outside. He vaguely remembers that Seungyoun took him to the bed. Then he somehow felt like his body and spirit were separated for a while, and it actually felt nice. His whole world was soft and squishy. Only when Seungyoun went to close that window, he became anxious because it reminded him of that dream when Seungyoun jumped off a cliff. But now, he looks outside of the window again and sees the purple sky lit up by the city lights, he feels safe and secure. He is lying on this familiar bed, a bed that contains so many secrets between them, and he knows that his Seungyoun will soon be back. 

Seungyoun returns with a bowl of soup. This time, he insists on feeding Wooseok, not because he's afraid that the smaller will break the bowl again, but because he wants to serve his fragile beauty. 

Wooseok takes in every spoonful of soup, and after the last drop, he looks at Seungyoun with his starry eyes shone brightly and says, "I love you."

Seungyoun puts the bowl down and opens his arms, indicating Wooseok to come in.

And Wooseok does just that. 

"Let's go to see a psychiatrist tomorrow, okay?" Seungyoun hugs Wooseok gently and whispers to his ears. Soon, he feels the smaller man inside his chest nods.

"Are you still having weird dreams?" Seungyoun continues to ask.

"Yes."

"And you still don't want to share them with me?"

"No."

"Okay, that's totally fine. You can tell me whenever you want. Anyway, we are going to the psychiatrist. It's going to be okay. Many people see them nowadays. After that, I will send you to your working place. I'll stay there with you, okay?"

"But you have work, too…" Wooseok says.

"I'm kinda on hiatus. And my time is quite flexible." Seungyoun replies reassuringly.

"Okay. I'm tired. Can I sleep now?" Wooseok feels so warm after drinking that soup and now being in Seungyoun's arms, so the drowsy feeling hits him again.

"Sure." Seungyoun lies him down on the bed, but then Wooseok is so clingy that he doesn't let him go.

"Can you sing me a song?" Wooseok begs like a child.

This actually reminds Seungyoun, that when they first started dating, he would always wait for Wooseok to come back from work. Then the two would cuddle on the sofa, listening to some light music, and not saying a word. 

Seungyoun clears his throat, and begins to sing the first song that comes to his head:

_Don't be afraid yeah, I'll stay_

_Kick our blanket, make it balloon_

_Hiding inside_

_I'll blow all of my love to your lips_

_Love this quiet moment_

_"Who would you save_

_If your best mate and me are drowning"_

_"I'll save my friend_

_'Cause you're like a monk seal"_

_And you asked_

_"I love you, how much can you love me?"_

_Emm just without thousand words_

_And then I'll say_

_I love ya ah, I love ya ah_

_I love ya ah, I love ya ah_

_Don't be afraid yeah, I'll stay_

_Hide your little spot with my ring finger_

_Let's put a name_

_On each of your every single hair_

_Love this quiet moment_

_"Who would you save_

_If your best mate and me are drowning"_

_"I'll save my friend_

_'Cause you're like a monk seal"_

_You're like me_

_And I'm like you_

_What you're thinking right now_

_It's always the same as me_

_That's why I'm so in love_

_I love ya ah, I love ya ah_

_I love ya ah, I love ya ah_

_Na na na na na na na_

_Na na na na na na na_

_Na na na na na na na_

_Na na na na na na na, wah wah wah wah wah_

_I love ya ah, I love ya ah_

_I love ya ah, I love ya ah_

_I love ya ah, I love ya ah_

_I love ya ah, I love ya_

(Love Ya! by Hyukoh)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some 🔞

The next morning when Wooseok wakes up, he finds Seungyoun is looking at him on his side.

_Great. Finally, he’s here when I open my eyes._

“Did you sleep well?” Seungyoun asks with a smile.

“Um…” Wooseok answers lazily. And he remembers the dream he had, “I dreamed that we became sea seals. You were chonky and smooth.”

They literally lie in bed together, but Wooseok’s voice is so tranquil that Seungyoun feels like he’s drifting away. So he hugs him and jokes, “How about you? We were both sea seals, whey was I the chonky one?”

“Because all I could do was to look at you… You were swimming in the sea and I swirled around you.” Wooseok answers sincerely.

“It’s nice that it was not a bad dream,” Seungyoun hugs him tighter.

Wooseok feels happy because it’s been a while since they cuddle in bed in the morning. However, he doesn’t feel excited about the new day even with Seungyoun’s morning kiss. Maybe he would be ecstatic in the past when a morning was spent like this. He would probably sit on Seungyoun’s body and kisses him just for fun. But now, all he can do is to look at Seungyoun and smile lightly.

“I’m sorry, Seungyounie.” Wooseok says.

“Why? What’s this ‘sorry’ for?” Seungyoun can easily become anxious whenever he hears Wooseok’s apology.

“I… I don’t know…” Wooseok tries to explain but the moment he attempts, his nose feels sore and the tears fall down for no reason. This is so strange, he thinks, I’m not sad. Why am I crying?

Seungyoun immediately knows this is the symptom of depression. So he embraces him again and pats him in the back, “There, there, babe. Let’s get up and eat breakfast, and then we are going to see a psychiatrist. Don’t be afraid, I will be with you.”

Seungyoun has honestly never seen Wooseok’s mental being this weak. Even when he’s with him and hugs him, Wooseok still feels like an empty shell. He can no longer enter his heart. Good thing that they can still go to see a doctor and solve the issue.

Seungyoun actually called the psychiatrist Dr. Lee before Wooseok woke up this morning. They’ve known each other for many years and the psychiatrist agreed to open the clinic earlier just for Wooseok.

The clinic is located in a skyscraper in the center of Seoul. Dr. Lee has a lot of celebrity patients and this place exactly demonstrates the idea that sometimes the most dangerous place is the safest place.

After register at the door with the only nurse at the clinic, Wooseok is assigned a few forms to fill out, which are just the generic forms to determine one’s mental status before seeing a doctor for depression. Seungyoun leaves him alone and sits in the waiting area by the entrance. Soon, Dr. Lee shows up and greets him.

“I’d like to see him alone.” Dr. Lee requires.

“Ok, I will ask him. You know, I’m worried that he’ll be nervous.

Wooseok finishes the forms rather quickly and then runs back to sit behind Seungyoun.

“How was it?” Seungyoun asks.

“Hmm… fun? They were just multiple choices,” Wooseok looks quite calm.

“Can you see the doctor by yourself without me?”

“Sure, I’m okay. I just want to know what’s wrong with me recently,” Wooseok answers casually.

Seungyoun feels a little relieved since Wooseok looks much better than just now at home, “I’ll wait for you here. And you can just see it as chatting with the doctor.”

“I know. I’m not a kid and you don’t have to teach me everything,” Wooseok suddenly stands up and hugs Seungyoun, whose head is now against his belly. He then softly whispers, “Thank you, Younie.”

The nurse happens to walk by, and is shocked to see these two being so loving. She coughs uneasily to break the couple’s hug. It’s time for Wooseok to see the psychiatrist.

Seungyoun gazes Wooseok’s frame and mesmerizes the “Thank you” that he just heard. It didn’t feel good, it almost felt like a goodbye.

Maybe he is overthinking. Seungyoun shakes his head. After all, Wooseok is very depressed and that kind of aura was totally normal.

While waiting, Seungyoun knows that the nurse has been glancing at him from the front desk. Maybe she is still shocked by the relationship between him and Wooseok? But Seungyoun isn’t overly worried since he knows the staff at this clinic should be protecting patients’ privacy.

The waiting feels so long and dreading. Even though Seungyoun has a magazine open on his lap, he never really reads it. He pretty much knows that in the end, the psychiatrist will only prescribe some medicine for Wooseok, but for some reason, he is quite nervous and unsettled. Maybe Wooseok has become a piece of glass in his mind, he’s afraid that once it leaves his sight, it will get hurt or break.

Or perhaps, he himself has become more fragile when he starts to date Wooseok?

About an hour later, the door to the psychiatrist’s office opens again. This time Dr. Lee walks Wooseok out and greets Seungyoun. They talk about the weather a little bit before parting, and Wooseok immediately seizes Seungyoun’s arm and says, “It was nothing. It was nice to talk to someone though.”

“Really? So what did he tell you?”

“He said that I might be… having some delusional disorder… and then mild depression. He prescribed some meds, and told me they could help with my sleep problem.”

Seungyoun listens attentively and nods.

“But you also take antidepressants, why can’t you sleep well?” Wooseok looks curious, and then he continues, “Now we two ‘patients’ live together. This is funny.” He cuddles on Seungyoun’s arm.

“So we can remind each other to take the meds every day,” Seungyoun jokes.

However, Wooseok doesn’t seem satisfied with this answer. He hits Seungyoun using his elbow and says, “What the hell? How are we becoming like this?” The question actually sounds quite bitter to Seungyoun.

“Well, it’s normal for people today to have some mental illness. So congratulations for enriching your life experience,” Seungyoun pretends to be chill, but he is actually quite surprised that Wooseok would also have a delusional disorder. He thought Wooseok’s issue was just caused by pressure from work, but now, could there be some other triggers? Seungyoun is worried, he asks Wooseok, “Hey, how about I go to work with you for a while?”

“What?” Wooseok is quite unprepared for this, but then he remembered Seungyoun actually mentioned it last night as well, “I… I’m okay as long as you are. But don’t you have work to do?”

“I’m fine,” Seungyoun sighs, “I told you I’m on semi-hiatus right now. So, you only have that variety show to film, right? I’ll go with you and stay there with your manager, how about that?”

Wooseok nods, and then he sees that the nurse is glancing at them again, and murmurs, “I think we should go.”

“She’s not gonna reveal us to the media, is she?” Wooseok worries in the elevator.

“There are so many celebrities coming here and they have to protect their privacy. You shouldn’t be worrying about this. But I mean, you didn’t seem like you cared just now.” Seungyoun teases him.

Wooseok now looks at himself in the mirror and says coolly, “I don’t mind. And I think you don’t mind either. Remember the first time you almost kissed me in your studio?”

Seungyoun smirks, and then he abruptly tilts his head and gives Wooseok a kiss on the lip.

Weirdly, after seeing the psychiatrist, Wooseok already feels much relaxed. The kiss from Seungyoun makes him suddenly want more. He then tiptoes and replies with a longer kiss. But the elevator is fast, after the “ding” sound, they quickly stay away from each other. Luckily, there is no one waiting outside.

“Now you are not afraid that the camera could catch us in the elevator?” Seungyoun puts his arm around Wooseok’s shoulder.

“Whatever, I’m happy now. I do whatever I want.”

“Really? That was a fast treatment,” Seungyoun pretends to be surprised.

“In fact, I just wanted someone to tell me that I’m sick, this is not the ‘normal’ me, and that makes me feel better,” Wooseok says as if nothing happened. But Seungyoun has some mixed feeling after hearing this.

At night, Wooseok takes medicine for the first time. Since it’s the first day, he should only take half of the dose. People’s body needs time to adjust to the dosage.

He goes straight to bed afterward and almost falls asleep immediately. Seungyoun observes this and feels quite relieved. Meanwhile, he is still awake in bed, thinking about what exactly would Wooseok be “delusional” about. The only thing he could think of was when Wooseok almost freaked out when he wanted to close the window last night. Well, that was enough to show the insecurity within Wooseok. Seungyoun’s heart aches a little, realizing that Wooseok is truly scared of being alone and afraid that he would leave him…

After another while, Wooseok suddenly turns his body and hugs Seungyoun tightly, and it seems that he is murmuring something. Wooseok doesn’t usually sleep talk, so maybe it’s the medicine that caused him into a deep sleep? Seungyoun gets closer to him, trying to decipher what is he saying.

“I’m not… I’m not like that…” Wooseok seems to be explaining something anxiously, “Please! I’m begging you… I’m not like that…”

Now the sleeping Wooseok seizes Seungyoun’s body even tighter as if he’s going to break him. Seungyoun doesn’t feel comfortable but when he sees Wooseok’s pressed and fretful face, he remains still.

The next morning when Seungyoun opens his eyes, he finds that Wooseok is still hugging him, not as squeezy as last night, of course. And then, Wooseok’s sleep talk recalls in his head. He sounded so desperate and powerless. It felt like he was trying to be accepted by someone… By who? Seungyoun can’t help but be curious.

Meanwhile, Wooseok hums beside him and slowly opens his eyes. Seeing that he is hugging Seungyoun, a sweet smile emerges on his face. He closes his eyes again, wanting to feel his man longer.

“How did the medicine work for you?” Seungyoun knows that he’s already awake, so he asks.

“Super good!” Wooseok answers while keeping his eyes closed, “I slept so well last night. And I didn’t have any dream.”

Seungyoun doesn’t tell him that he probably just forgot about the dreams since he sleeptalked a lot last night. But anyway, it may be better that he doesn’t remember anything. It didn’t sound like good dreams, after all.

“Good to know,” Seungyoun instead comments on Wooseok’s meds, “I remember when I first took my antidepressant, the effect came quickly, too. After three days I already thought I didn’t have depression anymore.”

“Ah, I should have taken this earlier so that I wouldn’t be bothered by all those nightmares,” Wooseok pouts.

“Do you have work today?”

“No, it’s tomorrow.” Wooseok yawns and rugs his eyes like an awakened kitten. He cuddles on Seungyoun’s masculine body and being the needy baby that he has always been.

“Shall we go shopping or see a movie today?” Seungyoun suddenly suggests. But he immediately gets surprised by himself because, as someone who’s been suffering from major depression, he hasn’t been going out for “shopping” or “movie” for a long time. However, once he finds that Wooseok’s condition may be worse, his own symptoms seem to be lessened. And what he just said was more like him being the counselor, trying to tell Wooseok some “therapy.”

It almost feels like he is the one who “infected” Wooseok with depression. Seungyoun feels complicated.

“I don’t want to go out. Seungyounie, can we just stay at home? I have to go out tomorrow.” Wooseok keeps being clingy.

Seungyoun shrugs and says, “You’re right. Then let’s stay at home.”

Wooseok is satisfied. He licks his own lips and lies on Seungyoun’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. Seungyoun feels the light weight on his torso and appreciates the calm expression on Wooseok’s face, and also closes his eyes in fulfillment. They will become better. They will return to where they were when they were crazily in love.

When Seungyoun is about to fall back into sleep like this, he suddenly feels that Wooseok has moved on his body. Without opening his eyes, he then feels ticklish on his chest. He then opens his eyes and man—Wooseok is untying his pajamas. The next thing he knows, Wooseok is already fervently licking his chest.

“Wait…” Seungyoun’s body squeezes, and then the little kitten on him gazes back.

“What?” The kitten looks perplexed.

“I’m the one asking, babe. Why are you suddenly doing this?” For some reason, Seungyoun even blushes a little.

“Because… I want to…?” Wooseok looks so innocent while answering, even though he is actually playing with Seungyoun’s nipples right now.

“Wait, I mean. Did you take some super fast-acting antidepressants? Why are you look so excited all of a sudden?

Wooseok tilts his head and looking all confused, “I want to do this with you now. I don’t care. This is my breakfast.” He bends down and unties the last button on Seungyoun’s pajama, spread it aside and looks at his bare chest. He then begins to lick his skin again.

Seungyoun hasn’t been “served” by Wooseok for a while. Recently he has been rejecting Wooseok’s demand for sex as breakfast, and now he is genuinely baffled because Wooseok seems like a different person after taking the antidepressant for one freaking day. However, he has to admit that he doesn’t dislike this feeling, so he decides to let the kitten continue, just for today.

Wooseok massages Seungyoun’s nipples and make them hard. He then sucks them with his swirling tongue, from one to the other. The sound of Wooseok’s moving lips and saliva on his chest is quite seductive, making Seungyoun begin to imagine switching their position so that he can be on top of Wooseok.

Wooseok is so focused on his “breakfast” and doesn’t even want to take a break and look at Seungyoun. He keeps licking and sucking, as well as caressing Seungyoun’s bare skin using his lips. Seungyoun suddenly thinks that little cats always wake their masters up super early just so they can have breakfast, right? Isn’t this what Wooseok the kitten is doing? He laughs out by this thought, which finally caught Wooseok’s attention.

“What?” Wooseok stops and asks.

“Nothing. Just feel like I have kept a kitten, and he is hungry in the morning,” Seungyoun pats his head and continues, “Is the breakfast delicious?”

Wooseok nods his head fervently, and then he climbs up a little bit and slides some of Seungyoun’s hair on the face aside, looking at him zealously, without saying a word.

“Good-looking?” Seungyoun smiles.

Wooseok again nods his head almost in an exaggerating way.

Seungyoun can’t hold his smile as he thinks Wooseok is so cute this way. So he keeps on speaking in the tone that almost like talking to a pet: “Don’t you wanna kiss me? I thought you like it.”

And then Wooseok suddenly blurts out, “Why are you so talkative. Am I not serving you well enough? I will make you moan.” Wooseok bites the tip of Seungyoun’s nose all of a sudden and grins mischievously.

“Ok, ok. I was just joking. Please enjoy your breakfast the way you want.” Seungyoun surrenders.

“You are annoying,” Wooseok complains and prevents Seungyoun from talking by biting the older's lower lip. He then moves his flexible tongue to taste the upper lip of Seungyoun’s too. Hmmm, sweet. But maybe that’s his own taste? Wooseok doesn’t know, nor does he care.

However, just when he’s happily playing with Seungyoun’s lips, the man under him suddenly bites his tongue, or more like “catches” since it doesn’t really hurt. Wooseok’s eyes are wide open by this move and without probing the situation, his lips are already devoured by Seungyoun.

Seungyoun’s tongue intrudes into his mouth and twirls inside, making the younger so improvised and even forgets to close his eyes. All Wooseok can feel is the hot and passionate tongue trying to make a mess out of his own mouth, and he can’t resist this feeling because this is what he loves, and Seungyoun hasn’t been giving his for so long.

The kiss is so passionate and lasts long enough that Wooseok has to moan and hit Seungyoun to indicate that he’s out of breath. However, he could only take a quick breath and his mouth is immediately caught by Seungyoun again. This time Wooseok stretches his tongue first, and he moans in between their moves. Soon, his body is fluttering on Seungyoun’s too, as if he’s floating on the waves.

Wooseok then realizes that he’s still wearing the annoying t-shirt for sleep, so he impatiently pulls it up and tries his best to attach his skin to Seungyoun’s.

“Wait, you are breaking the rule. Why is it you who eat me? Should be the other way around!” During their next break, Wooseok realizes and thus complains to Seungyoun.

“Oops. My fault then.” Seungyoun pretends to retreat. And Wooseok smiles and sits on his torso, while quickly pulls off his t-shirt and throws it to god knows where.

Looking at the snowy white skin of Wooseok in front of him, Seungyoun swallows his throat and gazes at his pink nipples. But too bad, he still has to wait because it is Wooseok’s time to eat “breakfast.”

Wooseok can tell what Seungyoun is thinking, but he doesn’t want to give him that easily. So he bends down again and starts to lick Seungyoun’s throat, collarbone, and basically all the ups and downs above Seungyoun’s chest. He sucks his skin hard, making sure to leave some love bite. And next he reaches Seungyoun’s nipples again, tickling one after another, and then swirls the tip of his tongue around them. He finally begins to suck them and this time, Seungyoun can’t help but let out a moan. The sound was quick and low, but enough to make Wooseok smirk. He then accelerates and pulls down Seungyoun’s boxer, letting that proud “main course” breathe.

Seungyoun feels what is happening, but since Wooseok’s tongue hasn’t stopped torturing his torso, he really can’t think much about the lower part. He knows his cock is hard now, oh whatever.

Wooseok now moves down to Seungyoun’s legs and finds the most comfortable place to sit down. He then grabs the shaft and plays with it a little, then kisses its delicate, dark red top. He grins and says, “I’ve missed you.”

This makes Seungyoun laugh, how can his Wooseokie be talking to his cock instead of him? But anyway, that’s cute. “It’s yours,” he says teasingly.

Wooseok takes a good look at the proudly upright shaft and decides to eat from lower up. He extends his tongue out and moves it from bottom up like a kid licking his favorite lollipop. It tastes so good, so fresh and different. Is it because they haven’t done this for a while? Wooseok mesmerizes before repeating the move, each time faster and more fervently. He also lovingly licks the veins on the cock, twirling his tongue to play with the texture, and then he comes back to the balls, devours them, kisses them… Ah, every inch of Seungyoun’s lower body fascinates him, he wants everything of him.

“Ngh… Agh… you’re good,” Seungyoun’s moans coming from above. Wooseok feels his heart has blossomed by this sound. He gives Seungyoun’s cock a final kiss and then putting the whole thing inside his small mouth.

The manhood definitely feels different when it’s in someone’s mouth than simply being licked. Seungyoun inhales strongly and gasps. Wooseok then begins to move his mouth and gives that cock a nice fraction. Since it’s been a while, he still feels a little nervous at first, so he swallows and lets out very slow. However, after a few moves, Seungyoun suddenly presses his head, indicating him to go deeper and faster.

Wooseok looks up with his moist eyes, and he sees Seungyoun is squinting at him powerlessly. This suddenly turns him on and gives him more confidence, so he starts another round of swallowing and thrusting. Soon Seungyoun’s dick feels like expanding in his mouth, and he keeps trying to devour deeper, letting the tip reaching his throat. Meanwhile, Seungyoun’s moans keep coming from above, which makes Wooseok want to try even deeper. At one point he almost gagged, as he struggles for air, Seungyoun’s hand again presses his head. The sudden feeling of asphyxia makes him scared and excited at the same time, he lets out arduous screams and regains some air. This time, both of them are gasping elatedly. Seungyoun seems to be at the edge of a climax, while Wooseok looks totally wasted, and beautiful.

“Babe… I’m about to cum…” Seungyoun finally says. He cannot move his legs because Wooseok is sitting on them, so all the stress and tension are accentuated to his cock, which is sure to have a blast.

But he wants to know this is what Wooseok really wants, aka, the “main course.”

“Do you… really want it?” Seungyoun almost loses his voice while struggling to make sure what his kitten wants.

Wooseok looks so adrift, he has just discharged his mouth from that delicious cock and now his face looks all red and lost. So he just nods.

“Look into my eyes and tell me, babe. Say you want it.” Seungyoun demands.

“I, I want it. I want all your juice…” Wooseok balances himself on Seungyoun and begs. He then gets off Seungyoun’s body, letting the older sit up and regain control of his cock. Meanwhile, he kneels in front of him and eagerly opens his mouth.

Seungyoun bites his lower lip and smiles. He holds his shaft which has been treated so well, so ready, by his kitten, and then goes closer to Wooseok’s cherry-like mouth. He inhales powerfully and then unloads all his cum. Some inject into that cute mouth, while others splash all over Wooseok’s beautiful face.

Wooseok receives the cum like it is some divine water. He fervently swallows what he has on his tongue, and then uses his finger to gather the rest, and then licks it until it is clean and dry.

“Whoa… this is the best… Your juice is always better than milk…” Wooseok collapses inside Seungyoun’s chest and murmurs.

“You’re so slutty sometimes,” Seungyoun caresses Wooseok’s angelic face and smiles. He may look like an angel, but during and after sex, he can be so shameless.

“Let’s take a rest and do another round in the kitchen,” Wooseok suddenly suggests.

“Wait what? Now I wonder what kind of medicine Dr. Li gave you!” Seungyoun yells. But he knows, different people react to depression treatment differently. Some people need more time to see the effect; while others experience immediate effect, almost too much like an explosion. This is especially common for first-time patients, just like Wooseok.

“Whatever, I will take a shower later. The day is young, you know…” Wooseok keeps his eyes shut and mutters, clearly is still enthralled in the “breakfast” he has just had.

Sure, the day is young. Seungyoun sighs with a somewhat bitter smile. It’s a day set for him to make his kitten happy, after all. 


	13. Chapter 13

"Ahjussi, you don't have to pick me up tomorrow, Seungyoun will drive me to work," Wooseok talks into the phone meanwhile sitting on Seungyoun's lap. 

They basically haven't left each other the whole day. They had sex, cuddled, had sex again, and then more cuddling. 

Wooseok hangs up the phone and whispers to Seungyoun's ear: "Ok, done."

Seungyoun is watching a soccer game on TV. Half an hour ago he told Wooseok that was it for tonight. No more sex. It's really enough for a day and he had to watch a game. 

"Hey, I was wondering, are you gonna be there the whole time tomorrow? I'm afraid you'll get bored." Wooseok gets off Seungyoun's body and changes to lean on his arms. He has lost a lot of attention since the game started.

"You don't want me to watch you shooting?" Seungyoun asks in return and then he suddenly sees all the kiss marks that he has left on Wooseok's neck. He's a little regret for doing it since the younger is going to work tomorrow. 

"No, I mean, I'm just worried about you being bored, since I can't be with you most of the time," Wooseok rests his head on Seungyoun's shoulder.

"Then I'll find something to do, maybe I'll bring my laptop."

Of course, Wooseok wants him to stay there the whole time of the shooting. But he also tells himself that Seungyoun is not his attachment; he has his own works to do. So he says, "Ok, but if you feel bored, you can just leave, I'll be fine."

"Yea, I know you will be fine, based on your performance in bed today," Seungyoun jokes while fixing his eyes on the TV again. But at the same time, he is actually still quite worried about the unstable condition of Wooseok. 

Wooseok smiles shyly and tries to change a topic: "So you still don't have much inspiration to make music?"

"No…"

"It will come, everything will come…" Wooseok swings Seungyoun's arm to comfort him. However, his clinginess is cut by Seungyoun's sudden shout—

"Goal!!!"

Wooseok swallows the rest of his words. Anyway, it's nice to see that he still enjoys soccer games. Maybe he shouldn't bother him anymore. 

"What did you just say?" Seungyoun now realizes Wooseok was talking to him before that goal on the TV. 

"Nothing. I'm going to sleep. Are you coming in after the soccer game?" Wooseok stands up. 

Seungyoun quickly stands up because he's afraid that Wooseok is mad. He then hugs him from behind and whines, "Don't be mad at me, please… I'm going to sleep with you. This game is boring. I'm not watching it anymore."

Wooseok shrinks in Seungyoun's arms and giggles softly, "It's ok. You like soccer games, just finish it and come in. I'm not mad at you, really."

"You sure? And what did you just say? Tell me!" Seungyoun persists.

"I said, you are cute." Wooseok seldom uses this word to describe Seungyoun, so he immediately runs off after saying it. Seungyoun watches his back and smiles. He knows Wooseok was not truly mad at him for watching a soccer game, because that was his childhood passion. 

The next morning when Wooseok wakes up, Seungyoun is again not in bed but outside making breakfast. Yesterday they were making love most of the time, so now Wooseok feels like his body is falling apart. But he can't really blame anyone except himself, since he was the one being so horny and needy yesterday. He struggles to walk out of the bedroom and finds that the breakfast is already on the table. 

"You wake up so early today," Seungyoun seems surprised, "I was about to wake you up in half an hour, actually."

"Emm. How about you? Did you sleep well?" Wooseok rubs his eyes and yawns. He slept quite well last night, he didn't even know when did Seungyoun came back.

"Well, for me it's the same." Seungyoun shrugs bitterly, "But it's ok. Three hours of sleep is enough for me."

On their way to the studio for filming the show, Wooseok is checking his phone on the passenger's seat. He suddenly finds that the show has already posted a preview on its twitter account with a catchy icon, which is, unsurprisingly, the scene where Jinhyuk grabbed his hand and washed it under the faucet. Wooseok almost chokes on his coffee--they indeed looked so intimate.

"What's the matter?" Seungyoun is driving, but he is genuinely worried. 

"No, nothing, just chocked myself." Wosoeok wipes his mouth with a tissue and suddenly realizes that, shit, Seungyoun and Jinhyuk are about to meet at the studio! And this also makes him recall what he and Jinhyuk did in the resting room the other day. The guilt hits him hard again. 

"Did you see something in the news?" Seungyoun can sense the unsettlement of Wooseok so he asks curiously. 

Wooseok's heart beats wildly. He awkwardly replies with something else, "Erhh… are you going to sit in my resting room or watching me filming?"

"Of course I'm going to look at you! What? Are you gonna be nervous?"

"Oh… ok. Then be with my manager in the studio."

"That's my plan, too. He's the only one I know." Seungyoun stops the car at a red light, and he takes the time to stare at Wooseok, "What do you want to say, really?"

Wooseok immediately blushes. Since he has nowhere to hide, he admits with a quiet voice, "You know… Jinhyuk will be there, too."

Seungyoun didn't expect this to be the reason behind Wooseok's uneasiness. He wants to laugh at how sensitive he is, but then he remembers it was himself who was mad at Jinhyuk's existence and almost "burned the house down" not so long ago.

"Oh, I haven't thought about it," Seungyoun says, "But I'm fine. He's your ex anyway."

"Yea… there should be nothing." Wooseok still feels timid to talk about this person in front of Seungyoun, so he sips his coffee and looks outside. 

Seungyoun pats Wooseok's head and says, "It's fine even if I meet him. You are my boyfriend now and I'm yours. Don't worry." 

Wooseok nods, even though he can still feel his heart racing. After all, there are secrets between him and Jinhyuk that he decides to never reveal during his lifetime. 

They are not the earliest to arrive at the studio. But when they step in, Manager Choi immediately sees them.

"Morning!" The manager first waves to Seungyoun, "Thanks for sending him here."

"No problem. His health is not well recently, so I'm taking more responsibility," Seungyoun says while holding Wooseok's shoulder, pulling him closer. 

Manager Choi sees this action and whispers, "Be careful, there will be many people here later." 

Seungyoun shows an understanding smile. And Wooseok chimes in, asking his ahjussi, "Can I wear my own clothes today?" He is wearing a turtleneck sweater because there are several kiss marks on his neck.

"But this one… isn't it too thick?" Manager Choi glances at Wooseok and wonders.

"It's ok. I just bought it and I love it so much. Please let me wear it!!! I really want to!!!" He uses his aegyo to persuade the ahjussi.

"Ok, ok." Manager Choi usually won't say no to Wooseok when he is being clingy. So he leaves the two and walks to inform the dressing team. 

Wooseok winks to Seungyoun victoriously. Seungyoun then hugs him from behind and rests his chin on his shoulder. They are standing behind a big board near the backdoor of the studio, so no one should be able to see them.

"But honestly, we may need to keep some distance," Wooseok whispers.

"Ok. But it should be safe here, right?" Seungyoun is strangely being clingy in public today. 

Wooseok sighs, and quickly turns around and presses a kiss on Seungyoun's lip, "I gotta go. Just stay with ahjussi, ok? And my resting room is at the end of that hallway. If you feel tired, you can just go there." 

Seungyoun nods, and he then cups Wooseok's face and kisses him one more time before letting him go. Wooseok looks quite energetic this morning. Although he was complaining at home that his body was painful, he becomes so confident and professional once he enters the workplace. Seungyoun feels so proud, but also a little concerned. 

Just when Wooseok is about to leave and Seungyoun is reluctantly releasing his hand, the door behind them suddenly opens. Next thing, a tall person with a beige trench coat appears, almost blocking the sunlight from outside. His long legs step in, and he looks up, staring right into Wooseok's eyes. 

_ Oh shit. Why is Jinhyuk appearing from here?  _ Wooseok quickly shakes Seungyouns hand away, looking quite shocked.

Jinhyuk then notices Seungyoun, and he immediately realizes that this is the "new boyfriend." A tricky expression rises on his face, and he says in an exaggerating tone, "Good morning, Wooseok!"

Wooseok is stunned. And Seungyoun, who did not pay much attention to the door just now, also looks at this tall guy. Oh, it's Jinhyuk. He knows this face from TV. 

The moment these two tall guys' eyes meet, Wooseok seems to be more nervous and freaked out than them. He can even sense some heated sparks between them. Ah, this is more embarrassing than he thought. 

"So this is…?" Jinhyuk inquires towards Wooseok while gazing at Seungyoun. He looks so confident and relaxed. 

"I'm Cho Seungyoun. Nice to meet you." However, Seungyoun doesn't give Wooseok the chance to answer. Instead, he introduces himself to Jinhyuk and shakes hand with him. 

"Nice to meet you. So you must be his boyfriend?" While Wooseok is still in shock, Jinhyuk has already started the gentlemen's chat, "Oh, don't worry. I'm not gonna walk around and gossip about you guys." Jinhyuk winks at Seungyoun. 

Seungyoun smiles politely without saying a word. And then Jinhyuk adds, "Thanks for taking care of Wooseokie."

Seungyoun may have slightly frowned after hearing this. Isn't this something that he should be saying to Jinhyuk instead of the other way around? However, since it is too late, he pretends to be chill and says, "It's ok. He is demanding sometimes. I hope he hasn't brought you much trouble, either."

Wooseok stands in between them and suffers from such awkwardness. He feels like he is nonexistent in this space. Moreover, he is becoming an "object" being tossed back and forth between his ex and current boyfriend. He doesn't feel so good about it, but the uneasy atmosphere is stressing him out even more. 

"Ah, by the way, I heard that you are a producer and you go with the name Woodz?" Jinhyuk suddenly asks. 

"Yes." Seungyoun doesn't know why he mentions this, but he tries to look friendly.

"When can I have a collab with you? I know you made an awesome album for Wooseok. I asked him to lend that producer to me, but he refused, he was so mean!" Jinhyuk is being so dramatic, and he blinks at Wooseok afterward. 

Now Wooseok's face—if Seungyoun notices right now—is full of anger that he almost wants to kill Jinhyuk at sight. He finally decides to interrupt and stop this whole conversation: "Ok Jinhyuk, how about you go to do your makeup now? By the way, I'll never lend him to you, stop dreaming!"

"I see, ok." Jinhyuk looks disappointed. And before he leaves, he nods to Seungyoun again.

"That jerk." 

After Jinhyuk is out of their sight, Wooseok curses.

"What?" Seungyoun asks, knowing the cause. 

"It was too embarrassing. Did he make you feel uncomfortable?" Wooseok anxiously.

"Not at all." Seungyoun seems fine, "But he does seem more… annoying… than on TV. Well, just kidding." 

"He is always like that! Always saying something that's so annoying!" Wooseok answers in an irritated voice, "Now you understand why I always quarrel with him on the phone, right? Don't take him seriously. And please don't take it to your mind if you see us interacting later during the filming. It would only be the show's effect, ok?" Wooseok explains in advance. 

"Fine. I'm not that mean. I can lend you to him for a while." Seungyoun puts both of his hands on Wooseok's shoulder and looks into his eyes gently.

"But I will never lend you to him. You can only be my producer!" Wooseok pouts.

"Ok, sure." Seungyoun grins fondly, "Now go prepare for the filming. I'll be watching you from here."


	14. Chapter 14

As more people enter the shooting studio, Seungyoun is no longer unnoticeable. In fact, there is a staff who used to work as his assistant for a few months who immediately recognized him. He came to say hi, and then other staff around him also became interested in Seungyoun. After all, Seungyoun is tall and handsome, he also has a unique fashion taste, so wherever he goes, he would draw some attention. Not to mention that he is standing close to Wooseok’s manager, which means, he must be someone who’s close to them.

At one point, Seungyoun finally feels uncomfortable, so he puts on the hood and leans against the wall, trying to look as detached as possible.

Seungyoun is searching for his boyfriend among a group of celebrities on stage. He finds that Wooseok is not in the same team with Jinhyuk today, but with another female idol. However, the interesting thing is that he feels nothing when that girl keeps appealing to Wooseok and doing unnecessary aegyo.

Actually, watching Wooseok filming this show is quite fun. Seungyoun keeps smiling because Wooseok is just so clumsy and helpless when dealing with food. He doesn’t even know how to wash vegetables properly. And he would cut onion and then rub his eyes, ending up crying on stage and being laughed at by others. Seungyoun almost dies of laughing, he asks the manager, “Why do you put him in this show! This is too hard for him!”

“Isn’t he cute?” Manager Choi also laughs, “he is bringing great comedic effects to the show.” He then wipes the tears coming out of his eyes due to laughing, and tries to calm down and says to Seungyoun more seriously, “You know, Wooseok hasn’t appeared in this kind of crowded variety shows for a long time. He needs some practice. We both know that he is actually not good at dealing with a lot of people.”

Manager Choi really knows Wooseok well, Seungyoun thinks. After all, he has been taking care of Wooseok for more than ten years. Wooseok did tell him before that he didn’t like entertainment shows because he always felt awkward and being forced to act like having fun. Seungyoun wasn’t surprised when hearing this, since he knew that Wooseok was not that outgoing and extroverted. Instead, Wooseok was and still is, quite passive. He is very used to receiving love from others, but doesn’t really know how to react. However, only people who are close to him know that he is just clumsy and shy, as when he is really interested in someone, he would become very straightforward and candid. Best example? --How he pursued Seungyoun.

Seungyoun enjoys watching Wooseok on stage making a mess until at one point, he suddenly sees Jinhyuk, and for a short while, he feels uneasy.

It was when all of them finished cooking their dishes and the guest chief started to taste them one by one. And when he approaches Wooseok’s table, Jinhyuk suddenly ran all the way from the other side of the stage to his place. And then, he naturally extended his arm around Wooseok’s shoulder, resting his chin on it, and watches the chief from there. Of course, the cameraman would notice this and immediately moved to film them together. Moreover, since Seungyoun stood beside the voice control panel, he could even hear what they were saying.

“It looks nasty, but may taste good,” Jinhyuk apparently teased Wooseok.

“Stop, as long as our team gets a higher score than yours,” Wooseok responses casually, not really triggered by him.

Jinhyuk then swings Wooseok’s small body and talks to the host beside them, “But let me tell you, Wooseok has improved so much. When we lived together in the dorm before, he didn’t even know how to make ramen. I always asked him: are you really a Korean? Haha.”

The people around them all began to laugh. Wooseok seemed a little embarrassed, so he hit Jinhyuk with his elbow and scolded, “How about you then? You eat four packs of ramen for one meal! And making ramen was the only dish you knew!”

The other guests then joked about them and their previous group, recalling funny episodes when they were still young, and stuff like that…

Seungyoun now stands by the wall with his arms crossed. He doesn’t want to listen to what else they are talking about on stage anymore. He feels left out and irritated. Even though he told Wooseok that he wouldn’t care much or be sulking, it turns out that when things like this happened in front of his very eyes, he can’t really stay calm. He is probably meaner than he thinks.

“These two… they always fight when they are together,” manager Choi sighs while looking at the two on stage, lovingly.

“Em.” Seungyoun answers nonchalantly.

“You know, Jinhyuk wasn’t very outgoing in the beginning, but he changed a lot since he became solo. He is good at reading the atmosphere during this kind of show. He is a good kid, has a loving heart, and knows how to deal with different kinds of people…” the manager continues to comment on Jinhyuk, without knowing that Seungyoun doesn’t seem interested at all. 

Seungyoun just stares at the two on stage. Now the chief has finished tasting Wooseok’s team’s dish and leaves for another table. And when the cameraman also leaves them, Jinhyuk suddenly slaps Wooseok’s butt casually. Wooseok rolls his eyes, and Jinhyuk runs away.

Everyone can tell they are good friends, or maybe, more than friends.

Seungyoun bites his straw in his favorite Americano. The coffee has long gone, now only the ice cubes are clashing against each other.

Manager Choi finally gets out of his memory and notices Seungyoun’s numbness. “Do you need to have a rest?” He asks, “It’s about time to have a lunch break anyways.”

“Ok, I’ll go to his resting room,” Seungyoun says to the manager, and throws the cup into a trashcan near him.

Of course, the resting room isn’t luxurious since everything in this studio is temporary. There isn’t much furniture, only a long sofa, a simple dressing table, and another wooden table for dining. When Seungyoun walks in, there are already two bento boxes on the table. Apparently Wooseok has notified the staff to prepare his lunch as well.

Seungyoun sits on the sofa and buries his face into his palms. He doesn’t like himself being like this, because he doesn’t recognize himself. How can he be jealous of Jinhyuk? Before dating Wooseok, he has never had this kind of feeling before. But when he saw Jinhyuk holding Wooseok naturally, smiling at him casually, and talking about their shared past happily, he was, indeed, angry. He shakes his head and scolds himself internally: Cho Seungyoun, you are not a kid; this is not your first love. Why are you being jealous of such stupid things?

However, when was the last time he was “in love”?

Had he really “loved” someone before meeting Kim Wooseok?

Suddenly, the door opens and almost scares Seungyoun. The next thing he knows, Wooseok runs towards him excitedly, giving him a big hug.

“How was it? Was I stupid?” Wooseok asks Seungyoun by his ear.

“Nope, you did great. You performed very well for a variety show,” Seungyoun answers wittingly.

“I didn’t wear glasses on stage so I couldn’t see you. I didn’t know where you were. Were you standing with my manager?” Wooseok now sits on Seungyoun’s laps facing him, and cups him cheeks, “We have to continue shooting in the afternoon. I’m afraid you’ll be bored. Do you have other plans for the afternoon?”

“No plan. Also, I’m not bored seeing you being silly,” Seungyoun teases.

“Yah! Now you are telling the truth!” Wooseok pouts and looks at Seungyoun more carefully this time. However, being sensitive as he is, he notices there is a sense of morose on his face.

“What’s the matter? You don’t seem excited.” He rubs Seungyoun’s chin.

“I’m always like this.” Seungyoun smiles and answers.

“Are you tired?”

“No,” Seungyoun says aloofly.

Wooseok becomes disappointed. He was all excited before entering this room because he couldn’t wait to see Seungyoun in here and maybe they could cuddle a little bit. But now, Seungyoun looks quite cold and distant. He seems to have lost in thoughts, which Wooseok hasn’t quite figured out yet.

Suddenly, someone is knocking on the door. Wooseok quickly jumps off of Seungyoun’s laps and yells at the door: “Come in!”

It is Lee Jinhyuk.

Seeing these two sitting on the sofa together, Jinhyuk shows a knowing smile. He then says to Wooseok, “Today is the director’s birthday, he said he’d treat all of us at a restaurant and asked me to come and tell you.”

Wooseok looks at Seungyoun, and then back at Jinhyuk, quite undecidedly.

“Your boyfriend can come along.” Jinhyuk suddenly adds after seeing Seungyoun’s unbothered face. He is a very observant person, just as manager Choi said.

“It’s ok. You should go, and I’ll go home by myself,” Seungyoun doesn’t directly answer Jinhyuk but says to Wooseok.

Wooseok knows, it is important to go to occasions like this because it is basically a perfect networking opportunity. Although he doesn’t like socializing with other celebrities that much, this director is huge in the industry, and according to Jinhyuk, he only invited the celebrities, not even their managers. Thus, the occasion is quite private and personal, which is perfect for developing deeper connection and future opportunities. However, he also notices that Seungyoun is not in a good mood, so his first instinct is to decline the invite from Jinhyuk. However, now Seungyoun said that he should go, he changes his mind again.

“If I go, are you okay to go home alone?” Wooseok asks Seungyoun worryingly.

“Haha, I’m not a kid. Of course I’ll be fine. This birthday party is also part of your job, so you should go, and meet more people.” Seungyoun’s face now seems brighter, and he is being totally supportive.

“And… can you pick me up later at night when we are done?” It seems that Wooseok still wants to engage Seungyoun in this event, more or less.

But a voice chime in: “I can drive you home!”

It is, of course, Jinhyuk. He then says to Seungyoun, “I’m allergic to alcohol so I won’t drink. And I can drive him home to you in one piece.”

However, both Wooseok and Seungyoun seem to be stunned for a second.

“It’s okay. Seungyoun can come to pick me up…” Wooseok insists.

“Why? If he can send you back, then that will save me a trip. It’s fine. Thanks in advance, Jinhyuk,” Seungyoun suddenly cuts Wooseok off.

_WHAT THE HELL?_

_WHAT DO YOU MEAN, CHO SEUNGYOUN?_

Wooseok looks at Seungyoun in disbelief, but Seungyoun looks away. Wooseok knows that Seungyoun is totally giving him an attitude, but in front of Jinhyuk, he doesn’t want to make a scene. Instead, he takes a deep breath and says, “Ok then.”

“Fine, I’m leaving the space to you guys to cuddle,” Jinhyuk leaves the room yet his annoying laugh seems to have lingered in the space.

“What’s wrong?” Wooseok sits back on the sofa and asks Seungyoun. He tries his best to be patient.

Seungyoun still doesn’t look at him in the eyes. He says, “Nothing. Of course he can send you back.”

“You are being jealous again, right? Lee Jinhyuk is always annoying like that. Haven’t I told you? He was totally on purpose to challenge you just now. Don’t take him seriously, ok?” Wooseok pats Seungyoun’s face and comforts him.

Seungyoun smiles softly, “It’s really nothing. I know he was on purpose. It’s nice that you two broke up.”

“Then why didn’t you agree to pick me up tonight? What if he’ll do something to me in the car?” Wooseok says, but the latter half of the sentence was him joking, for sure.

However, unexpectedly, it irritated Seungyoun, as the older suddenly looks back at Wooseok and stares at his doe eyes forcefully:

“Can’t you control yourself?” He asks coldly.

“Wh… what?” Wooseok is lost.

“If he wants to _do something_ to you, you’ll let him do? Can’t you control yourself and say no?”

“I… I…” Wooseok wants to explain, but he is so shocked by Seungyoun’s words that he can’t say anything all of a sudden.

“So if he wants to sleep with you, you’ll let him, too?” Seungyoun continues, “Oh, wait, of course you two have slept before. I almost forgot.” He stands up and walks toward the window after finishing those somewhat ridiculous words.

Wooseok is startled. He sits on the sofa and totally feels lost. _What is wrong with Seungyoun again? What did I do wrong? Wasn’t he too mean? What did he mean by Jinhyuk wants to sleep with me? What the fuck?_

However, he suddenly realizes that the place where he sits right now is the same place where he and Jinhyuk almost made out a few days ago… Shit! He jumps out of the sofa as guilt hits him hard.

He wanted to hug Seungyoun, but now, he loses courage.

Maybe Seungyoun was right. He can’t control himself. He wants to sleep with someone whenever he feels lonely, even if that person is not his boyfriend…

But no, that’s not what he really wants. If he grew up like a _normal_ kid, he wouldn’t be this needy at all, right?

Wooseok sighs after realizing this, “I’m sorry. It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have said that… I… I will take a taxi to go home tonight.” He says to Seungyoun's direction.

Seungyoun doesn’t look at Wooseok but his heart hurts terribly upon hearing these words coming from the back. He hates himself for being angry for such a stupid reason, he hates himself for taking Jinhyuk so seriously, he hates himself for promising Wooseok to not be jealous but still... can't control himself...

What is he doing right now? —giving Wooseok such a mean attitude, and making him sad and insecure…

Seungyoun turns around in agony, and then he sees Wooseok, who is probably about to cry in any second.

And the next thing, Seungyoun rushes to hug him and pushes him into the sofa. Without saying a word, he fully devours Wooseok's lips.

“Wait... ngh…” Wooseok is shocked by Seungyoun’s sudden move and his immediate response is to push him away. Also, he doesn’t want to do this on this very sofa…

But Seungyoun’s torso is firmly on his own, making him hard to move. Although Wooseok tries to reject in between their breaths, he eventually has no other choice but to surrender. He lets Seungyoun’s tongue exploit his mouth full, and he closes his eyes to “enjoy” a kiss that is possessive and selfish.

Seungyoun doesn’t really know what he wants. He knows he is kissing Wooseok, but he isn’t sure what is the purpose of it. Maybe there is none? It was just Wooseok’s sad expression that drove him insane?

“Ah… Seung… Seungyoun…” Wooseok finally knocks his back to ask for a break.

“I love you, Wooseok. I’m willing to die for you, you know that?” Seungyoun stares into the abyss of Wooseok’s pupils and confesses.

“I… I know…” Wooseok answers nervously.

“So let him send you home tonight. I trust you. I will be waiting for you at home.” Seungyoun says. But then, he stands up from Wooseok's body and leaves the room without looking back again.

Wooseok is left alone in the room, breathing heavily on the sofa. Although Seungyoun just said he loves him, why did it feel so unfamiliar?


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🔞🔞🔞  
> Some BDSM warning!!!!  
> 🔞🔞🔞
> 
> Also, since I don't really like to write 🔞, I didn't proofread for this chapter... Hopefully they make sense. 😂

Seungyoun stumbles upon manager Choi as he walks out of the resting room.

“What’s the matter?” Manager Choi stops him and asks.

“I have to leave for work. Please take good care of Wooseok,” Seungyoun shows an uneasy smile and quickly walks away. He wants to get out of this big studio complex as soon as possible. He’s had enough of the air here.

He finally feels relaxed as he reaches his driver’s seat. He was walking so fast just now that he even has to catch up with his breath. To be honest, he was not only running away from Wooseok but also from himself that was jealous again. That feeling was so foreign to him, even though it emerged within himself.

Of course, Seungyoun knows that everything Jinhyuk said or did just now was to trigger him. he also thinks it was childish. However, he has to admit that he was, indeed, being triggered. Maybe he had been sulking since Jinhyuk and Wooseok were interacting closely on stage. They did look nice as an attractive couple. Moreover, they share so many things from the past that he didn’t know about. He remembers Wooseok once said that before meeting him, Jinhyuk was his “favorite.” No wonder when he saw them laughing together and touching each other, he felt distant, disappointed, because he would never ever have the Kim Wooseok of the past.

_But I should have more of him now since we have a future, why do I still feel unsatisfied? Unhappy?_ –Seungyoun asks himself internally.

He rests on his stir wheel and closes his eyes. Even so, he can still recall the scene of Wooseok and Jinhyuk in his head. Seungyoun “stares” at this Wooseok in his illusion, he looks so young, maybe around 18? He was not as tall as he is right now, but his face hasn’t changed much, and his skin is pale as snow. His smile with Jinhyuk was so innocent and beautiful. His world seemed to be simple and carefree. And the Jinhyuk beside him, he was of the same age as Wooseok but looked taller and more mature. His eyes followed Wooseok around, always like his knight. Wooseok was restless and reckless, always running around and happy. He didn’t necessarily know to appreciate Jinhyuk’s companionship, while everyone else could tell how much Jinhyuk treasured him.

Even just now in the resting room, when Wooseok technically had to make a choice between him and Jinhyuk, Seungyoun could tell that he laid more looks at Jinhyuk; and when he looked back at him, there was a sense of… fear?

Seungyoun doesn’t think that he is frustrated by not knowing the younger Wooseok—that’s impossible. What he thinks he really cares, is that Wooseok is totally a different person when he’s with Jinhyuk. If comparing the Wooseok he knows and the Wooseok standing with Jinhyuk, they must be like twin brothers with totally different personalities. Seungyoun suddenly feels like the one he sees every day and holds in his arms every night, has lost several pieces of puzzles. And this makes him very irritated.

Seungyoun drives home alone and spends the entire afternoon checking on old videos of Wooseok and Jinhyuk, mostly when they were promoting in the same group. It hurt him to search for details of their interactions, but it confirms his observation: Wooseok is so different when he’s with Jinhyuk, even until today, he keeps the same aura around him, which is something that Seungyoun has never attained from the same person.

He gives up the idea of “not caring,” because after all, he freaking cares, to the point where he cannot even do things. He’s been living with Wooseok for over a year and has never realized there is such a difference in Wooseok’s personality. Maybe because he has never taken Jinhyuk seriously, until that day, when Wooseok told him that he loved Jinhyuk the most before meeting him. And then, everything changed.

Meanwhile, the birthday party for the director is quite generic. Since everyone knows Jinhyuk is allergic to alcohol, nobody forces him to drink. Wooseok drinks a little bit, but not even tipsy. The female celebrities are trying to impress the director, and sometimes, also appealing to Jinhyuk and Wooseok, even though the latter two are not that kind who like to play along.

Wooseok is actually absent-minded most of the night and Jinhyuk can tell that. In fact, he has noticed that Wooseok’s mood has changed a little in the afternoon. Even though he was professional enough to finish the show, he spoke much less. When Jinhyuk found out that Seungyoun was not there watching anymore, he immediately knew the reason behind it.

The party ends around 10pm. The director is the only one who is drunk and thus made a lot of promises with the celebrities.

“You’re not drunk, are you?” Jinhyuk asks when Wooseok sits on his car and has buckled up.

“Of course not. Do I look like I’m drunk?”

“I think you have better tolerance of alcohol now. I remember you would be drunk after one shot in the past,” Jinhyuk smiles, and starts the car.

The two stay quiet for a long time. Wooseok just looks outside of the window, not showing any interest in the driver’s side. Jinhyuk, however, finds it a waste of time if they don’t speak at all during this ride.

“Did I… make you guys mad today?” Jinhyuk tries to start a conversation.

“What?” Wooseok finally turns around to look at him.

“He was not there this afternoon. Did you guys have a fight or something?” Jinhyuk is looking straight at the road, but he’s also paying close attention to every detail of Wooseok.

“Does it make you happy if we quarreled?” Wooseok asks in return and decides to open up and vent his anger towards the older, “I really don’t understand you sometimes, Lee Jinhyuk. Weren't you concerned about him before? Didn’t you tell me to understand him more and stay with him more? So why did you do _that_ today in my resting room? Of course I knew you were on purpose!”

“I wasn’t on purpose. We were indeed having a party to attend tonight, and I just went to tell you the news,” Jinhyuk argues.

Wooseok stares at him in disbelief, “But the way you talked to Seungyoun! Everyone could tell you were testing his patience!”

“Oh really? What did I say?”

“You jerk!” Wooseok sits up and curses. He suddenly sees the curve of Jinhyuk’s smirk, and he leans back again, “Fine, nothing. You didn’t do nothing, ok?” He’s so done with the annoyance of Jinhyuk and decides to stop talking to him.

Jinhyuk bursts into laughter, “Ok, I apologize. I just wanted to see how you guys feel like as a couple. I was curious.”

Wooseok rolls his eyes, “I will stop being friends with you if you do this again. You’re so capricious. I thought you really cared about us before, turned out you are being a jerk.”

“I’m a Gemini, you know,” Jinhyuk laughs again. But he then looks at Wooseok more seriously and says, “But I could tell, he’s not okay.”

“What do you mean ‘he’s not okay’?” Wooseok yells. How can this jerk still say bad things about his boyfriend?

“I mean, I could tell he’s quite depressed. His feeling, and the way he looks at people… I’ve seen them before. My brother was like that when he was in medical school. He looked fine in general, but his inner self was dead. You know that feeling?”

Wooseok stuns. He didn’t expect Jinhyuk to say this.

“No way… He’s becoming much better recently. It’s me who…”

“You? What’s wrong with you?” Jinhyuk catches the words.

Wooseok sighs, “I begin to take antidepressants, too. He took me to a psychiatrist the other day because I couldn’t sleep well for quite some time. And also we had a big fight during that time… Anyway, we went to the doctor and he said I have some illusional disorder...”

Wooseok’s words are sharply cut off by Jinhyuk’s sudden brake of the car. The two are almost being throw out of the seats. Wooseok is so shocked that he yelled at Jinhyuk: “What the heck are you doing? Look at the road!”

Jinhyuk seems to also be in a panic. He lets out a few quick breaths and says, “There was a cat in the middle of the road. Didn’t you see it?”

“Oh? Oh… ok.” Wooseok blinks his eyes in confusion, but anyway, they are all safe. It was just an unexpected stop.

“So, you said you have some illusional disorder?” Jinhyuk calms down and asks.

“Seems like that. But it’s ok. Nothing serious. And I’ve slept so well after taking the meds.” Wooseok explains nonchalantly.

Jinhyuk is not feeling at ease by Wooseok’s casual attitude. Instead, he looks at him seriously and suddenly, he extends his hand to pat Wooseok’s head and lowers his voice: “That thing from the past… it shouldn’t be bothering you now, right?” 

Wooseok looks quite startled by Jinhyuk’s words and touch, and then he loses his words. Jinhyuk’s hand then slides down and reaches his chin, slightly tilting it up. The streetlight happens to come in and lighting up Wooseok’s face. It seems that time has stopped at this very moment. Both of them forget to breathe but stare into each other’s eyes. After a few seconds, Jinhyuk releases him, and says, “Take care of yourself. Don’t lose yourself because of him, ok?”

Wooseok seems to be mesmerized in everything that just happened. He doesn’t respond, but his heart races.

Jinhyuk then starts the car again, and heading toward Wooseok and Seungyoun’s home.

It’s a little past 11pm when they arrive. Before leaving the car, Jinhyuk insists to send Wooseok into the building, but the latter rejects, “Sometimes there are weird people around. I don’t want to be caught by the paparazzi.”

Wooseok is about to open the door but his hand is abruptly seized by Jinhyuk, who in the meantime asks genuinely, “Can he take good care of you?”

“If he can’t, can you?” Wooseok replies coldly, and then he turns around and looks at Jinhyuk in despise.

“Of course I can! If it wasn’t me back then…”

“Stop!” Wooseok cuts him off, “Don’t mention it again. Never mention it again! And don’t ever tell him about it! I’m warning you!”

Wooseok is seldom this serious, so Jinhyuk releases his hand on Wooseok and nods, “Fine. We all have our own lives and loves now, that’s keep it this way then.”

“Yes. Thanks for sending me home. Bye.” Wooseok finally can open the door and leaves this repressive space.

Jinhyuk watches his small body walking into the building, and leaves this distressing place as well. 

“Seungyoun, I’m back.” Wooseok yells the moment he opens the door. He knows that Seungyoun must still be awake. He’s either reading or checking the Internet. He doesn’t really need a response, he just wants to claim that he’s home. He takes off his jacket and scarf and walks into the walk-in closet near the door, hanging them up.

However, when he finishes and turns around, he is shocked to find that Seungyoun is standing at the door, gazing at him in silence, like a wolf in the dark.

“Woah… you scared the shit out of me. When did you come here?” Wooseok blurts out. And then he suddenly feels nervous, even though he really didn’t do anything suspicious.

“Em, how was the party? How much did you drink?” Seungyoun asks without much emotion. He is tall and almost blocks all the lights from the living room outside. This makes the entire atmosphere between them suddenly so intense.

“I… I didn’t drink much. Don’t worry. See, I’m all sober.” Wooseok tries to pull out a reassuring smile, and slowly approaches Seungyoun.

“Did Lee Jinhyuk send you back?”

Wooseok stops after hearing this question.

“Yea, he just left me outside the building and left. We didn’t even talk much…” Wooseok doesn’t know why he adds the latter half of the sentence.

Seungyoun smirks, and aggressively lifts Wooseok’s chin, pressing a deep and passionate kiss on his lips; however, emotionlessly. Wooseok is totally unprepared and the kiss stops abruptly. Then, it is Seungyoun’s cold voice: “Good. Not much alcohol.”

This makes Wooseok sad. He looks down at the floor and murmurs, “Don’t you believe in me?”

Seungyoun doesn’t answer.

“How can you distrust me like this! You said during the day that you would trust me so I could take his ride. But what is this now? I could have taken a taxi back but you said you trust me!!!” Wooseok becomes more and more agitated and he yells, “Cho Seungyoun! What should I do to make you happy and stop caring about Jinhyuk?”

“Just shut up.” Seungyoun says.

“What did you say?” Wooseok’s eyes are wide open in shock.

“I said, shut up.” Seungyoun repeats harshly and pushes Wooseok’s chest and makes the smaller step back walks hurriedly. He finally loses balances and falls into a closet. A rack of clothes then falls down with the move, all over Wooseok’s body and on the floor.

Wooseok is astonished.

“What are you doing to me, Seungyoun?”

And next, Seungyoun pounces to Wooseok in the closet, and hugs him tightly, “I’m sorry. I don’t know… I don’t know what I want to do… did I scare you…?”

Wooseok’s heart is beating like crazy, but he chooses to reciprocate the hug with his shaky hands and whispers to his ears, “It’s ok… it’s ok…” He doesn’t know why he has to comfort Seungyoun now, but he guesses that Seungyoun is out of control due to emotional or depressive issues.

“Did he hurt you?” Seungyoun mutters while hugging Wooseok tighter.

“No, not at all. How about you? Did you take a rest this afternoon? Did you eat?” Wooseok says softly as if he’s really comforting a wild beast. Also, he will eliminate Jinhyuk from their conversation.

“Can we make out? Now?” Seungyoun slowly releases Wooseok and looks into his watery eyes.

“Wh… what? Now? Well… I guess… ok?” Wooseok is perplexed but the moment he sees the distressed expression in Seungyoun’s eyes, his heart sinks and his body softens. He knows that Seungyoun needs him so much right now. So he nods again.

“Then can you promise me one thing?” Seungyoun leans even closer to Wooseok, and the shorter can even sense his bulge.

“Can you be a good baby today? I’m not gonna hurt you. I’ll be very careful.”

And without Wooseok even realize what that means, his wrists are suddenly being seized by Seungyoun. The latter then pulls out a long tie from the messy pile of clothes on the floor, and ties his thin and fragile wrists onto a pole inside the now empty closet.

Wooseok is basically laying in the closet with his hands up above his head. Seungyoun then hovers on his body and gazes at his face as if appreciating an artifact. He pulls his hairs on the face away and uses the ankles of his hands to slide on Wooseok’s profile. Wooseok closes his eyes nervously, his eyelashes flutter like butterflies. Seungyoun notices that Wooseok is biting his lower lip, so he lowers his body to start kissing, no, biting his nose, lips; he also licks his chin, and sucks his throat.

Wooseok is shaking. Seungyoun’s breathes is all over the sensitive parts near his face. He really wants to grab Seungyoun’s nape but too bad his hands are tied. He cannot move at all. He is scared—Seungyoun has never done something like this to him before. But then he doesn’t really want to break away because, as long as Seungyoun desires him, he’s not going to leave. Never.

But Wooseok is still curious, so he opens his eyes and asks, “Youn, what’s the matter? Are you in a bad mood?”

“Didn’t I tell you to behave and shut up?” Seungyoun says coldly and the next moment, his eyes meet Wooseok’s. But why is Wooseok looking unafraid? Seungyoun suddenly gets angry by what he sees below him, and he grabs a leather glove that’s also on the ground, and pushes it into Wooseok’s mouth. He then stands up and makes sure that the tie on Wooseok’s wrists is totally firm.

Now Wooseok is really scared. When something is in your mouth to prevent you from breathing, you are likely to forget that you can still use your nose to breathe. Wooseok experiences just that for a few seconds, and then back to normal. 

However, Seungyoun looks so tall and repressive as he is standing in front of him, who is powerlessly lying on the floor. He blocks the lights in the walk-in closet, and Wooseok can’t really see his expressions. This still feels scary. Something is not right.

In the dark, Wooseok suddenly hears the sound of Seungyoun unbuckling his belt. And then a beam of light suddenly hits as Seungyoun moves down on his body again and pulls up his cloth, exposing his chest. It feels cold, and the equally cold fingers of Seungyoun’s then reaches his neck, throat, bones, nipples…

Wooseok is almost flat on the floor so he can’t really see what Seungyoun wants to do. Also, since he has that leather glove inside his mouth, he cannot say a word as well. Thus, everywhere that Seungyoun touches and caresses on his body become more sensual than before. Wooseok knows that Seungyoun has pinched his nipples, and then licks and sucks them. He feels so ticklish and paralyzed, but a sense of pleasure follows, to the point where he uncontrollably kicks in the air. However, that makes him hit Seungyoun’s torso unintentionally. Seungyoun immediately loses patience and sits on his legs. Now, nowhere on his body seems to be mobile.

Seungyoun observes Wooseok’s expression again. Now he looks much more nervous than just now. His doe eyes are asking him what he is doing, but of course, Seungyoun is not going to give him an answer. Instead, he plays with Wooseok’s pink nipples more fervently. The two points become so hard and the rims are also looking lovely to him. Seungyoun now feels much more satisfied, so he pats Wooseok’s head as if he’s giving some praise.

The fear on Wooseok’s face is what Seungyoun is looking for. He doesn’t need Wooseok’s love or expectation right now, he wants to see his fear and submissiveness.

Seeing that the good boy is giving up the struggle, Seungyoun stands up from Wooseok’s legs and pulls down his pants and boxer. He then spreads Wooseok’s two pale legs and sits in between, appreciating every secret of Wooseok’s body.

Wooseok is helpless. Although they often make love and he doesn’t mind his naked body being observed by Seungyoun, this time he feels different, because he completely loses power. He can’t talk, can’t move, and his lower body is completely exposed to Seungyoun’s eyes. As the older man opens up his legs wider, Wooseok feels more and more ripped apart. He can sense his hole is already contrasting, and such powerlessness, for some reason, triggers something in him, and makes him… excited?

When Seungyoun inserts one finger into his hole, there is already some sticky liquid coming out.

“Already? You really like fingering, huh?” Seungyoun smiles. Wooseok feels so ashamed, but he can’t talk. And next thing, he hears the sound of sucking and of course it is Seungyoun tasting his hole… Ah shit… Wooseok tries his best to find a way to look at Seungyoun, and the moment he finally can see his face, he totally loses it. Why is he looking so handsome and sexy when he pulls that finger out of his hole and tastes it? Wooseok blushes fanatically but there is also a part of him feel kind of proud and satisfied. Now he wants more. He bites his lower lip harshly and craving for Seungyoun’s gaze at him. _Please Youn, look at me, look at how thirsty I am right now. Do something to me. Do me…_ His eyes are begging, however, Seungyoun suddenly stops exploring his inside. What’s more, he suddenly stands up and leaves the closet.

He just left? Wooseok almost cries. He wants to throw out the leather glove but it is so tight in his small mouth that he can do nothing about it. He curses Seungyoun internally and then shakes his hands to see if he can break free the tie. However, he’s not sure what kind of knot that Seungyoun did that nothing seems to be loosened at all. Wooseok feels paralyzed as if a line of ants is crawling on his nakes body. The only thing he can do is to kick his legs. So he does that, and kicks all the messy clothes around him aside. Yet none of his actions has eased his desire, the desire to be penetrated by Seungyoun. How could he just leave like that halfway through???

Wooseok feels desperate and he starts to cry. But since he cannot make a sound, the repressed pain makes him even more frantic. In the end, he curls up like a shrimp. His tears wet the wooden floor. And moreover, he suddenly finds that he cannot breathe! It turns out that he’s crying too hard and caused a stuffy nose, and now he is really about to be suffocated?

What to do? Wooseok is in tremendous panic. He keeps shaking his hands and throwing up the glove, but nothing happens. He feels more and more powerless and his vision becomes vague. And there is no sign that Seungyoun is coming back. Finally, he has no choice but to hit his head on the closet door…

He doesn’t even feel any pain when he is hitting the door fearlessly. He doesn’t know how many times has he hit it but in the end, he hears a rush of steps approaching him. The next thing he knows, the gloves is being pulled out of his mouth. All of a sudden, he can gasp for air. It feels so good, as if gaining a new life. He is trying his best to breathe in and out. His chest is moving up and down crazily. And all he can think right now is, he is alive.

But where is Seungyoun? Wooseok cannot see clearly due to the lack of oxygen, but the feeling of regaining life makes him so relieved that he begins to wail. It’s like an explosion, the whole house is soon filled with his screams and cries. He doesn’t know what’s all this about, and it’s so freaking scary!!!

Although Wooseok thinks this is the end of the torture, he immediately knows that Seungyoun has pulled his body back to the original position. Wooseok is still gasping for air but suddenly, something is touching his lips. Ah, it’s Seungyoun’s shaft. Wooseok immediately recognizes it. _But then, is he sitting on me again?_ Wooseok doesn’t even know. The cock is carelessly slapping his cheeks.

“Take it. Make it hard, and then I’ll give you what you want.” Seungyoun says coldly.

_Is this really Seungyoun?_ Wooseok even starts to wonder. Yes he knows this is Seungyoun, the voice, the feeling of his body, everything is him for sure. But the things he did to him tonight… they are unheard-of.

“You… you said you wouldn’t hurt… me…” Wooseok murmurs nervously while shaking his head to avoid the cock from hitting his lips.

“I _am not_ gonna hurt you. Did I hurt you? I came to save you! And here I am. I told you I’ll make you feel comfortable, did I not? So now don’t say anything, or else I’ll tape your mouth again.”

Wooseok is so dazed and confused. He can’t decipher why Seungyoun is talking to him so gently, but the words are all about threatening him. But he is too afraid that he’s right to speak may be deprived again, so he moves his face back and devours that cock.

It’s not bad. Everything feels familiar. The moment Wooseok tastes that shaft he actually feels better. However, he cannot massage it with the emotion and love he usually has when serving Seungyoun. He doesn’t have that mood anymore. Instead, he uses his tongue to throb it almost mechanically. But it is quite enough for Seungyoun. Soon after, he begins to thrust himself inside Wooseok’s mouth, and moans in between the ins and outs.

“Agh… ngh… babe you are so good… so good at this…”

However, it doesn’t last too long before Wooseok accidentally bites. The position is really uncomfortable for Wooseok. He is flatly lying on the floor, and there isn’t much space for him to accept Seungyoun’s strong and angry cock when it gets real hard. That’s why the bite happens.

“Shit!” Seungyoun shouts and retrieves himself from Wooseok’s mouth. And it is at this very moment that Seungyoun suddenly has a clear look at Wooseok’s face after a long time of torture.

Wooseok looks torn, panicked, and there are tears all over his delicate face. His eyes and nose are so red that they almost seem like bleeding. And then his lips, they are indeed bleeding and swollen.

Seungyoun is petrified.

Wooseok keeps coughing. His hands are still tied so every time he coughs, it feels as if someone is stabbing his heart. His whole torso then rises and falls, so desperate, yet so beautiful.

Seungyoun stares at him, and suddenly a sense of destruction hits him. _No, I can’t do that. I will not hurt him. He’s so perfect, no one should break his beauty._

After a round of coughs, Wooseok stops and breathes more calmly. Seungyoun still hasn’t given him any sort of comfort. Suddenly, he feels like there is a crack in his memory… this feeling… it feels familiar, but vague…

The “crack” of his thoughts only appeared less than a second, and then Wooseok is back to reality.

“Give me that, I can continue…” Wooseok says softly. Maybe Seungyoun is still angry at him for biting his cock? He wonders. Is he going to give him another chance?

“No, I’m fine. You just stay there.” Seungyoun responds. He can’t really look at Wooseok straight in the eyes now. The guilt finally arrives and now he is slowly regaining his senses and conscience.

“Then, give come in… I’m not feeling well…” Wooseok begs.

“Really? Then, don’t worry. I will make you comfortable.” Seungyoun sounds relieved, and he carefully spreads open Wooseok’s thighs again. He can’t help but slaps them, then pinches them. How can they be so milky, so soft, so delicious to the eyes? Seungyoun then gently bites the inside of Wooseok’s thighs, the bites then become kissing and sucking. Wooseok’s light purrs make him more excited, and he surely wants to leave some marks there.

“Ah… Youn… I feel so hot… can you come in already?” After a while, Wooseok decides to beg again. He cannot be played like this anymore, he wants to be penetrated.

Seungyoun stops reluctantly, but then he looks at the teary Wooseok and exclaims, “Do you know how beautiful you are right now?” Then, he finally holds his hard and angry shaft, and inserts it into the small hole of Wooseok’s, which is more than ready to be wrecked.

“Ah! Ah!” Wooseok immediately screams when he feels the hardness of Seungyoun’s cock inside him. Damn! It’s finally here.

Seungyoun skips the tease and begins ramming Wooseok’s hole. He moves passionately while muttering, “You are so beautiful…”

“I… I don’t know…” Wooseok cries in pleasure, “Deeper, deeper… destroy me, please… Youn…” This is so weird. He was hurt, he was in despair, but now, he wants Seungyoun to be forever inside his body, he wants them to be connected till the end of time.

Seungyoun is so pleased, and after a few more thrusts, he puts Wooseok’s legs on his wide shoulders. Wooseok’s butt thus gives him an even better angle and accessibility, Seungyoun takes a deep breath and begins another round of thrusts.

“Ah… it’s so good… great!” Wooseok cries, “give your juices to me…”

As they both reach the climax, Seungyoun quickly pulls out his cock and gives it a few diligent throbs. Wooseok opens his cherry mouth and waits for the juice to be given from above. Seungyoun smiles and leans forward, finally injecting the cum inside Wooseok’s mouth. The latter feels the warm juice and finally smiles… he swallows it in, and then licks his lips to get all he can get into his mouth as well.

Seungyoun is exhausted. But before he passes out, he manages to reach the pole and releases that tie on Wooseok’s wrists. Then he wipes his own cum away from Wooseok’s eyelids and gives him a final kiss. Wooseok takes the chance to rampage Seungyoun’s tongue fervently, as if he’s getting the last reward of the night.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING in this chapter!  
> Proceed with caution!

When Wooseok opens his eyes again, he sees the familiar ceiling in the bedroom. His head is in severe pain. He wants to move just a little but can’t. In fact, it even feels painful to breathe. 

He stares at the ceiling for a long time until the sound of a text message pulls him back into reality. He stretches his arm to the table near the bed and realizes that there are bruises on his wrist. He cautiously flexes his arm back, remembering everything that happened last night.

Last night... He was being tied in the closet, being scolded and forgotten by Seungyoun, and almost suffocated. However, somehow, he was willing to take them all.

It was just a little uncomfortable, but he still loves me—Wooseok tells himself and clenches his fist. He doesn’t realize that his tears are falling down on the pillow at the same time.

_What did I do wrong? Why did he punish me…?_

Wooseok looks inside the comforter and finds that he is already in a clean T-shirt and the scent on his body is so good. Apparently, Seungyoun did make him all clean and tidy and applied some ointments to him last night after all the crazy things. _See, he is so gentle, he loves me so much._ Wooseok thinks to himself again. However, this still cannot compensate for the fact that Seungyoun is not even here right now. Also, Wooseok believes that he is not in the living room or kitchen as well. He is just not at home.

“Disappointed” is not accurate to describe Wooseok’s feeling right now, maybe it should be “confused” and “frustrated,” due to the fact that he cannot understand what is in Seungyoun’s mind.

Wooseok reaches to his phone again and finds that it’s not even 7 am. And then, there is a text message from Seungyoun: “Baby, I put some breakfast in the microwave, remember to eat after you get up. I need to go out and will be back in the evening. I love you.”

No sign of apology, as if nothing happened last night. But a simple “I love you” seems to cure everything in Wooseok’s heart. What is this? Wooseok wonders, he can feel the tear on his face but why he just can’t get mad at Seungyoun?

Wooseok throws his phone away and rubs his eyes violently using the back of his hand. He doesn’t want to eat breakfast at all, he only wants to see Seungyoun right now. They can just talk about whatever stuff and he’ll surely be fine. He doesn’t need any apology, he just wants to hear Seungyoun’s voice. This desperate feeling makes him even more frustrated. It makes him realize how little he knows about Seungyoun. Even though they’ve been dating for more than a year, he doesn’t even know where he’d go on such an early morning.

Suddenly, his phone rings again. This time it is the manager.

“Wooseok, it’s me.” Manager Choi’s voice sounds energetic as usual.

“I know. What’s the matter?” Wooseok answers lazily.

“How come someone took a photo of Jinhyuk sending you home last night?”

“What?” Wooseok is surprised but still quite unbothered because all he can think about is Seungyoun right now.

“I saw a photo on social media. It was you who got out of his car. His plate number was not even blurred. But I managed to ask the administrator to delete that account, so no worries. But you know, I’m just concerned. Maybe there are new stalker fans recently. You need to be careful.”

Compared to manager Choi’s high tension in the morning, Wooseok’s response sounds like a sloth. He just hums to the phone.

“Wait, are you okay? Wooseok?” The manager finds something weird.

“Em… thanks aljussi, for deleting that tweet. I’m not feeling well. I’ll hang up.” Wooseok is not lying though. All the things he just heard only made him more headaches. Sasaeng? Stalker? Lee Jinhyuk? Whatever.

“Wait, wait! Don’t hang up. I’m coming to see you then.” Manager Choi suddenly yells on the phone, “you are really in a bad condition recently. Did you drink a lot last night?”

“No, don’t come. Seung…” Wooseok almost said “Seungyoun is home to take care of me” but he realizes that’s not a case. Worse, he starts to weep uncontrollably again. He hates himself for becoming so weird and out of control like this. _What the heck is wrong with me??? Maybe I should take my medicine? Oh yes, I forgot to take my meds last night. That’s why!_ Wooseok hangs up the phone. 

When he sits by the bed, he sees that not only is he having bruises on his wrists, but also on his thighs, together with many kiss marks. His pale legs do not look nice now. They look ugly—oh shit, Seungyoun wouldn’t like that.

The scene undoubtedly triggers Wooseok again. He feels so sad and dizzy that he suddenly falls on the floor. And then, he starts to see things in front of him. It is somehow like an old movie unfolding. Whatever it is, he sees a teenage boy who looks exactly like him, is being cornered by several men in a dark place. They are going to hurt him, probably. 

Wooseok is scared, he buries his head in his hands but can’t shake these scenes away. Meanwhile, his phone just won’t stop vibrating beside him. It’s still his worrisome manager. But Wooseok can’t answer the call now. There’s something in his head that is gradually devouring him… He embraces himself helplessly in the corner of the room, murmuring, “Help me… someone… save me…”

He passes out.

***

Seungyoun left home for the psychiatrist's clinic first thing in the morning. Of course, the doctor was not there this early so he sat in the waiting area, on the same sofa where he sat last time when Wooseok was here.

Before he left home, he made breakfast for Wooseok. That was all he could do to express his guilt at the moment. Then, he drove here, thinking that he might have become psycho or something.

“Mr. Cho! How come you are here this early?!” The nurse comes in and is quite surprised.

“Oh… I need to see the doc.” Seungyoun says with a tired smile on his face.

“But did you make a reservation? Let me see…” The nurse puts down her bag on the chair and quickly turns on the computer at the counter. But when she looks up at Seungyoun again, she becomes worried, “You look ill… Are you okay right now?” She then runs towards him and tests his forehead, “Thank god it’s no fever. But you don’t look ok to me at all. Let me call Doctor Lee.”

Seungyoun doesn’t feel like talking anymore, he just smiles at her again gratefully.

Dr. Lee lives close by, so after getting the call, he shows up in 30 minutes. The moment he sees Seungyoun, the latter is burying his head in his hands and his entire body is exerting very depressive aura.

“What’s wrong, Seungyoun?” Dr. Lee sits beside him and asks gently.

Seungyoun just shakes his head without saying a word. But he has to admit he feels much more relieved when the doctor’s hand is patting his slightly shaking back.

“Can you stand up on your own? Let’s talk inside my office.”

Seungyoun nods and stands up from the sofa. He takes a deep breath and walks into the office. The familiar scent from South Asia in the office makes him feel calmer. However, the chaotic thoughts still hit his heart brutally.

“You ok?” Dr. Lee asks again.

“Doc, didn’t you say loving someone will make me better? But why? Why am I feeling like I’m becoming a madman?” Seungyoun replies while nervously looking at the floor.

“Don’t jump to conclusion so easily. No one has ever said you are a madman,” Dr. Lee says firmly.

“But I… I think I accidentally fall for him too much… And then all I do is hurting him…” Seungyoun still shies away from the doctor’s gaze, and his voice cracks.

“Wait, tell me what you did to him. What did you mean by ‘hurt him?’ Tell me he’s still alive.”

“Yes. He is. He’s probably sleeping right now. I prepared everything for him before I left. But I… I did something unforgivable last night.”

Dr. Lee frowns, “You mean physically or verbally?”

“Physical…” Seungyoun admits, and then he suddenly becomes more agitated, “What should I do? Doctor? I think I have a violent tendency. I, I didn’t mean to hurt him, but I just couldn’t control… I can’t bear the fact that he has other sides that I didn’t see. You know what I mean? I, I can’t stand him working with his ex… Didn’t you tell me falling in love would ease my depression? Why am I like this now? I feel so ashamed, so ugly. I hate myself… I need to break up with him!”

“Stop, stop!” Dr. Lee approaches him quickly and comforts him, “If he’s still alive then don’t freak out yet. Calm down, take a breath.”

“But he’ll hate me. He’ll go back to his ex. Doc, if you can’t treat me, I’m gonna lose him…” Seungyoun almost cries out like a kid.

Maybe he is. He’s a kid who falls in love for the first time, for someone named Kim Wooseok.

“Calm down, Seungyoun. Let me tell you, the truth is that both of you are not ‘normal’ right now. So don’t blame yourself. I’ve seen him last time and I can tell you that he is also suffering mentally. You are not as bad as you think, and there is nothing that’s unrepairable at this point.” Dr. Lee says. Thankfully, he knows Seungyoun for so many years and Seungyoun relies on him unconditionally. So these words managed to save him from breaking down, and he finally looks up into the doctor’s eyes.

“Don’t be too scared. You know, the easiest way to deal with this situation is to add doses. And I want you to meet me more often. I need to make sure that you are stable. Also, you can keep some distance from Wooseok if you want. I mean, don’t patrol him 24/7, but don’t force yourself to leave him completely either. I believe you do not have a propensity for violence. You are a kind kid and your consciousness will not let you run out of control.”

“But I want to be with him. I don’t want to see him talking to others. I even want to own his past…” Seungyoun mutters.

“But do you want to be treated like that?” Dr. Lee steps back and asks.

Seungyoun remains silent.

“What is he to you? Is he an object? A possession?”

“No. I don’t want to see him that way…” Seungyoun suddenly becomes more restless and he explains hurriedly, “He is himself. He has his own thoughts and feelings. He shouldn’t be mine from the beginning… he should belong to someone better than me…”

“Here you go again. Don’t look down upon yourself all of a sudden, kid. What I mean is, I know you see him as an independent person, and that independent person is the one you love. You know this very well, and that’s good. So I have trust in you. You will be fine.”

Seungyoun now looks at the doctor in confusion.

“You will not really hurt him, so don’t tell yourself that you are out of control. By the way, I may need to refer him to another psychiatrist since I’m not specifically doing relationship counseling. But anyway, you need to trust me and trust yourself. Seungyoun, you won’t hurt anyone you love. You’ve been doing very well. No one will criticize you. No one will hate you.”

“But he won’t love me… he will leave me…” Seungyoun’s voice still sounds desperate and helpless.

“Love is not that fragile, especially the bond between you two. You need to trust him, too. If one day he really leaves you, then we will find another way to solve it. But for now, all you need to do is to face him. You both will be fine.”

***

“Wooseok, wake up! Wooseok!”

Wooseok hears someone calling his name. But he doesn’t want to open his eyes.

“Hey Wooseok, are you still alive?”

_What the hell?_ Wooseok thinks.

“Wooseok! Did Cho Seungyoun hit you? Tell me! Or I’ll call the police!”

_Wait what? Call the police?_ Wooseok suddenly opens his eyes—

“Lee Jinhyuk???”

“How the heck did you get in here?” The moment Woosoek opens his eyes, he sees the annoying face of Jinhyuk, which makes him wonder which side is the reality.

“I came with your manager. Didn’t you tell the security that he can come in anytime?”

_Oh, what? Aljussi?_ Wooseok rubs his eyes trying to be more awake. Ok, now he remembered he once gave his manager a card to this house in case something happens and no one is at home. He and Seungyoun both trust the aljussi, so it’s ok. 

“So where is he? Why are you here instead of him?” Wooseok is literally still on the floor while asking this, and soon, he feels a sense of disappointment in Jinhyuk’s eyes.

“Don’t worry about that for now. Tell me what happened? Why are you having bruises? Did your boyfriend beat you?” Jinhyuk surrounds his arm around Wooseok’s back and lets him sit up. He intentionally pulls his torso towards himself, trying to let him fall into his chest, but Wooseok quickly pushes away and retreats to the corner of the room.

Jinhyuk’s heart sinks. Wooseok looks so small and vulnerable by sitting in the corner. The bruises on his legs are all exposed to him. Jinhyuk doesn’t even want to think about what caused them. He looks away and sighs, “You look hurt. Did he beat you? If it’s domestic violence, I’m calling the police for you.”

“Stop saying nonsense!” Wooseok yells, “We are fine. We were just… playing… last night.” He gets offended that Jinhyuk was talking about Seungyoun as if he was some kind of criminal, and he adds, “Also, aren’t you the one who is illegally invading? I did say aljussi could come in anytime but I didn’t say you can!”

Jinhyuk seems more disappointed now. His expression turns gloomy obviously. However, he tries to calm down and insists, “How can you spoil him like this? Do you have a stance? You are not his toy. I’m taking you with me if he really hit you.”

_Taking me with you? To where?_

“What are you talking about, Jinhyuk?” Wooseok is genuinely confused.

“I can’t let you stay with someone who conducts domestic violence. I’m worried about you.”

“But we are all right! I told you we were just playing. Do you want to hear the details?” Wooseok grabs a pillow from the bed and holds it tightly after saying this because he can tell that Jinhyuk looks very serious and that makes him nervous.

“Stop lying to me, and stop lying to yourself. I know you enough to see that you’re not telling the truth. You are suffering and I can see it.” Jinhyuk moves closer to Wooseok and says. He can see that Wooseok’s sight is floating. And the fact that he holds onto something tight proves that he is insecure and probably lying.

Wooseok decides to compromise a bit, so he says, “Ok, fine. Didn’t I tell you that I’m not doing well recently? I’m just stressed by work. That’s all. You don’t have to treat me like I’m suffering from severe sickness or something.” He pouts and then throws the pillow at Jinhyuk, “Now you can leave. I don’t even know why you are here. Don’t you have work today? I’m fine.”

Jinhyuk catches the pillow but stares at Wooseok with a complicated look for another few seconds.

These few seconds make Wooseok very uncomfortable. He can stay with Seungyoun in complete silence and feel ok about it, but not with anyone else. It’s awkward, embarrassing, and scary.

Actually, since Jinhyuk appeared, Wooseok has been contemplating on several questions: Why is Jinhyuk, not his manager, here? Why is Jinhyuk looking so worried about him? Why did he say he would take him away? To where? His home? Doesn’t he have a girlfriend? Or… is he having issues with his girlfriend? _Wait, stop, Kim Wooseok_. He pulls the alarm inside his brain.

Anyway, this is awkward. Why is he with his ex again, in his home with Seungyoun? Indeed, they know each other for too long, too well. And the more they stay together like this, the worse it gets.

“I… I’ll be fine after taking my meds, so please leave,” Wooseok says to Jinhyuk again.

However, Jinhyuk suddenly hugs him in return.

“Hey—”

All of a sudden, Wooseok can’t fathom what is happening. All he knows is that Jinhyuk is holding him tighter and harder.

“I won’t let anyone treat you like this, you know? Why can’t you love yourself more? Do you really want to dig your heart out for him?” Jinhyuk asks earnestly.

“What, what are you talking about?”

“Your boyfriend is seriously depressed. I can tell. He’s going to hurt you more. Do you want to go with me? Stay with me?”

“What? Are you crazy, Lee Jinhyuk?” Wooseok can’t believe what he is hearing, “I’m in a relationship with him. What are you thinking?” He then starts to push Jinhyuk away. But every time he pushes, Jinhyuk would hold him tighter, even making his bruises from last night hurt even more.

Jinhyuk shakes his head on Wooseok’s shoulder, “I can’t let you be like this. You are too easy to lose yourself.”

_What? What the hell is he talking about?_ Wooseok wonders. Meanwhile, he stops resisting because instead of trying to get out of Jinhyuk’s embrace, he is actually filled with a sudden rise of anger.

“Who do you think you are? Do you even have the position to talk to me like this now? Weren’t you the one who dumped me first? Why do you think I’ll go with you now? Am I your pet? I’ve been with Seungyoun for more than a year and I’m planning to marry him one day! Do you know?” Wooseok blurts out all these in one breath, and then he finally pushes Jinhyuk away and even hits him on the chest.

But Jinhyuk seems unbothered.

“Because I saved your life, isn’t that enough?” Jinhyuk says calmly.

And now it’s Wooseok’s turn to be stunned. After a few seconds, he feels like his whole being is collapsing.

“Sorry, I don’t mean to bring back bad memories…” Jinhyuk seems quite regret after finishing what he just said. And Wooseok, who suddenly becomes like a doll with no expression at all, is sitting there with his mouth open, but losing all the words…

“Help me… save me…”

The sounds and images from a few hours ago haunt him again. That boy who was cornered by some guys in a dark place, that boy who looked exactly like him, is screaming for help in his head.

_Who was he?_

Wooseok can hear his heartbeat. He can also see shutters of films rolling in front of his eyes. He sees that boy is being hit, beaten, laughed at, and is being deprived of all his clothes in a corner of an underground parking lot. It feels so real, so fresh, so cold…

“Hey, Wooseok! Look at me!” Jinhyuk shouts at him. However, Wooseok in front of him is totally lost in thoughts. He holds himself tight and bites his lower lip. His whole body is shaking in the corner of the room and finally, he cries, “Stop… help me, save me… Jinhyuk…”

“I’m here. I’m here!” Jinhyuk now changes from being shocked to a soft and caring face. He opens up his arms trying to hug Wooseok again. However, Wooseok seems to have suddenly forgotten who he is, as he immediately pushes Jinhyuk away in terror.

“Leave me alone! Get out of here!” Wooseok suddenly screams. He then picks up that pillow from the floor and hits Jinhyuk again. It doesn’t hurt at all but Jinhyuk’s heart is broken into pieces. He can clearly see the despair and fear in Wooseok’s eyes, as well as the fact that he is trying his best to hold back the tears.

_Ah, how could I do this?_ Jinhyuk thinks. _How could I mention this tragedy to him again? Am I really being jealous of him having a new boyfriend that I’d rather hurt him?_

Wooseok is becoming hysterical, and Jinhyuk stands up from the floor and looks at him from above. This scene looks familiar, just like when he saved him ten years ago in that dark parking lot. That scene, even after all these years, is still clear to him. Maybe he will never forget the feeling of saving someone from that kind of situation. It was the first time that he felt a sense of usefulness, of being valuable to someone; and it felt so great to be in that position, to be in control of a weaker person’s life.

So is that why?

“Wooseok-ah, calm down. Look at me! I’m Jinhyuk. I’m coming to save you. You are safe now.” Jinhyuk lowers his voice and says. The voice is calming, but somewhat detached.

And just like magic, Wooseok quiets down. The time seems to be stopped around them as well. Wooseok’s eyes are still not in focus. He is still seeing the old "film" running in front of him. But it is getting tainted and slowly fading away. Was that boy himself from ten years ago? Maybe no? Maybe it was just a bad dream?

“There, there. Wooseok, have you told Seungyoun about it?” Jinhyuk now kneels down and looks at Wooseok affectionately.

Wooseok shakes his head.

“Good. Because if you tell him, he will no longer like you, right?” Jinhyuk still uses that lowered and calming voice.

Tears run down from Wooseok’s dolly eyes again.

“You were only 16 and you were new to Seoul at that time, remember? But the other trainees were so jealous of you. They gave you a hard time. They spread rumors that you were gay, that you had a sugar mommy so that you could debut soon. And one day after our monthly test, three of them dragged you to the parking lot near our company. Oh, that parking lot, it was always wet and muddy…” Jinhyuk describes in detail as if he’s telling a fairytale, except that it was Wooseok’s worst nightmare.

Wooseok instinctively grabs Jinhyuk’s shirt. Every word that comes from Jinhyuk’s mouth makes him shake harder. Every word, every scene, all those that have faded away just now, suddenly come back to him again, hurting him like a sharp knife.

At the same time, Jinhyuk seems to have been possessed by a demon, he can’t stop himself from telling Wooseok about the truth: “Those three trainees, they were in our company for three years but still couldn’t debut. They hated you the most and always wanted to teach you a lesson… That day, when I went to find you in the parking lot, you were already naked on the ground, bleeding. It seemed that you were harassed by them, and one of them ~~penetrated~~ you…”

But is Jinhyuk feeling satisfied now?

No! Not at all! He wants to kill himself. He hates himself for telling Wooseok all this. But his mouth is not listening to his brain. It just blurts out everything… The more gets revealed, the more excited he gets. It’s like an adrenaline explosion within him. The evil side of him wants to keep torturing Wooseok this way… After all, if his current boyfriend can beat him, then why can't he hurt him verbally? This is not even “violence,” right?

……

Wooseok’s nails almost press into Jinhyuk’s skin. And after he finally feels the pain and releases, Jinhyuk immediately holds his wrists and stares at them lovingly.

“Did he tie your arms? That bastard! How could he treat you like this? He didn’t even know what you have gone through in the past!”

Wooseok forgets how to speak. The tears are running dry on his face. He looks blankly at the bruises on his wrists. They were given by Seungyoun, but they don’t really feel like punishment or violence…

“Aren’t you afraid that Seungyoun will do the same thing to you just like the three trainees from ten years ago? Or maybe Seungyoun will do something even worse, who knows?” Jinhyuk now looks into Wooseok’s eyes and asks.

Wooseok doesn’t respond. He looks at his own hands held by Jinhyuk. They are shaking. Or maybe, it is his heart that is experiencing an earthquake?

“Break up with him, ok? I know those kinds of people. I can recognize their expression. They are sick! They only love themselves. Seungyoun will hurt you just like those three madmen.” Jinhyuk finishes his words by pressing a soft kiss on the back of Wooseok’s hands. 

......

“No! I’m not breaking up with him! He’s not a madman! He will never be!” Nevertheless, Wooseok violently pulls his hands out of Jinhyuk's grasp, and slaps on his face mercilessly.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jinhyuk and Wooseok's past...

According to Dr. Lee, Seungyoun increased the dose of his antidepressant again. He also needs to visit the psychiatry every week from now on.

“Do you really think I can still be with Wooseok?” Seungyoun asks again before leaving Dr. Lee’s office. He has no confidence left, really. If both he and Wooseok are “abnormal” now, is it really a good choice to keep the relationship?

“It’s gonna be fine. Just have some confidence in yourself and in him,” Dr. Lee says.

“But I mean, my symptoms are… happening back and forth… Am I really going to get better?”

Dr. Lee thinks for a while and answers, “There are things, once they become part of you, they can hardly go away. And you just need to learn to live with it.”

Seungyoun is not sure if Dr. Lee is referring to his “depression” or Wooseok, but either way, it kind of makes sense. 

“Anyway, just drive home for now. He must be waiting for you,” Dr. Lee sends him out and pats him on the back.

_Really? After what happened last night, is he still going to be waiting for me?_ Seungyoun smiles bitterly whiling walking out. 

Meanwhile, Jinhyuk and Wooseok are in a very quiet and awkward situation.

After Wooseok slapped Jinhyuk, both of them seemed to be wakened up.

Wooseok has never slapped anyone before, but when Jinhyuk uncovered his deepest secret which even his brain chose to forget, and then asked him to break up with Seungyoun, he felt an unprecedented fury in his mind. He used to be so scared to think about that event in the parking lot and even wanted to end his life for it, how could Jinhyuk just remind him again like it was nothing? How much does Jinhyuk hate him? Hate Seungyoun?

Before today, Wooseok actually thought he and Jinhyuk could be back to friends again due to the good outcome of the cooking show, but right now, he realizes that this man is still a jerk!

Jinhyuk is actually in deep regret now, but it’s too late. Wooseok is staring at him with hatred, and he can even see the tears in his doe eyes that refuse to fall down.

Was that jealousy? Even though they broke up for years already, could he still be that jealous? Jinhyuk thought to himself. He only likes women, but why he doesn’t want to let go of Wooseok completely? In fact, he recently had a big fight with his current girlfriend because she couldn’t come home often due to drama filming in another city. Also, since both of them are celebrities, they have to hide the relationship; and even when they are at home together, there aren’t many interesting things to do. This has caused him to think about the days with Wooseok. When they were in the same group and secretly dating, they were working together all the time and there was nothing to hide because they could just say that they were friends. Things could have been perfect if… if they were of different sexes.

***

When they were together, they would laugh, fight, and make out just like any other couple, but to Jinhyuk, it was never really “love” because he enjoyed being “needed” and “relied on” by Wooseok more than anything else. Ten years ago when he saved Wooseok from that parking lot, he beat the hell out of those evil trainees, and then put his own jacket on Wooseok’s naked and bruised body. Wooseok fell into his arms immediately and they stayed this way for a long time. Jinhyuk had never seen a boy being tortured like this. He was shocked and furious. And when he looked down at this beautiful boy who just came to Seoul by himself, a soft spot in his heart was definitely triggered.

It was as if he had just saved a nestling, Jinhyuk took Wooseok home that day and took care of his injured body. The next day he called the manager and briefly told him about what happened. He then skipped practice to stay with Wooseok a little longer. On the third day, Wooseok’s mental state became much calmer and insisted on going back to his own dorm. Jinhyuk sent him to a taxi and watched the car disappear in his sight.

Maybe it was because he had never seen such a beautiful boy, maybe because he saw adoration and reliance in Wooseok’s eyes, anyway, it was the first time that he felt something valuable and powerful about himself.

The agency didn’t want to make this scandal into the news, so the higher board decided to expel the three trainees and keep this secret forever. But this was not the reason that Jinhyuk and Wooseok began dating, of course. In fact, after the event, Jinhyuk chose to avoid Wooseok for a while because he didn’t want his presence to trigger the younger’s miserable memory. But people’s brains are truly amazing. After a few weeks, Wooseok seemed to have recovered and he came back to the agency and quickly made new friends. It was very likely that due to stress response, his brain chose to forget about what happened in the parking lot, and instead, manipulated him to live a normal life. A few months later, Wooseok would even ask Jinhyuk for lunch or dinner sometimes, even though it was mainly because his other friends were not available.

Wooseok was quite outgoing and was friends with almost all the trainees. One day, when Jinhyuk was having lunch with two other trainees in the cafeteria, he heard from them that Wooseok was dating someone named X. Soon, X appeared at their table and the gossipy ones, of course, began to tease about their relationship. However, X just smirked and said, “We just slept a few times, nothing serious.”

Jinhyuk almost spilled his water. How could he describe the feeling when he heard this guy talking about Wooseok in this way? Wooseok was hurt physically and mentally by men before, and now this guy named X just appeared and told them that “we just slept a few times”? Does Wooseok really like guys? Even if that’s the case, isn’t X a horrible person by talking about him in public like this?

Although Jinhyuk was angry, he was more confused. He wanted to know what kind of person Wooseok really was, how did he see men, and how did he… see him?

Hence, when Wooseok asked him for lunch a few days later, he finally asked him, somewhat awkwardly, “Are you... in a relationship with X? Is he your boyfriend?”

“Em? Maybe? Something like that.” Wooseok sipped his drink and answered casually. However, this made Jinhyuk’s heart hurt.

“So… you like that kind of guy? Erhhh…. Don’t get me wrong, I just think…” Jinhyuk didn’t know how to explain because he really had no position in other people’s relationships. However, the itchy feeling in his heart was so bothersome that he wanted to say something regardless. Ah, I must look like a fool now. He thought.

But Wooseok didn’t laugh at him. He put down the drink and suddenly cupped Jinhyuk’s face. He looked straight into his nervous eyes and said, “Because you would never look at me like he does.”

Jinhyuk was shocked. Wooseok’s words clearly meant something deeper but at the moment he didn’t dare to decipher.

And then Wooseok burst out laughing, “Because you won’t fall in love with a guy, would you? So even if I like you, look at you, you will never look at me the same way, right?”

“I—” Jinhyuk was totally stunned. He glimpsed at Wooseok’s smiling lips and felt that his heart was about to explode.

_No, I… if it were you…maybe I’d like to try…_

Jinhyuk was in a heated inner conflict until Wooseok coughed to break his running thoughts.

“I was just kidding. Jinhyuk-ah. I do like you. I like you a lot. But you don’t have to feel responsible, you don’t have to respond to my feeling for you. You can just keep being yourself.”

And this was the moment Jinhyuk made up his mind. He grabbed Wooseok’s hand tightly and said determinately, “Leave him. Leave X.”

“What?”

“He doesn’t really like you. Leave him and be with me.” Jinhyuk blurted out with a shaking voice. He thought there must be something wrong with himself, but at the same time, this was the only thing that he wanted to say.

“Do you know what you are talking about right now?” Wooseok looked genuinely surprised.

“I know. I just can’t bear to see other men taking advantage of you. I can’t see you being betrayed by those horrible people. Come to me and rely on me more, would you? Let me protect you!”

_Let me, keep protecting you…_

Every now and then when Jinhyuk recalls the years with Wooseok, he wonders if he really, truly, respected him and his feelings. Because in fact, even though the terrible event in the parking lot was forgotten by everyone, he would still reminisce it sometimes and used it as evidence to gain some confidence and affirmation. When he slept with Wooseok, when Wooseok looked into his eyes with adoration, reliance, and even worship, he would always see that naked boy in the parking lot who was so vulnerable and torn apart. On the contrary, he was like a hero, a savior, who became this boy’s only light.

This was unhealthy, even sick—the fact that he relied on his “past glory” to keep himself rational and keep Wooseok by his side—Jinhyuk sometimes also hated himself for being like this. However, deep inside, he was also someone who lacked confidence and safety. He had to hold onto Wooseok to make sure of his own value and power, and it felt good.

But he didn’t expect that even this feeling of power could also grow boring. As they lived together and repeated the same patterns of life every day, as well as both of them became soloists and met new people, more temptations, including beautiful female celebrities, began to approach them. And it was then that Jinhyuk decided to break up with Wooseok.

There was nothing he wanted to explain. He thought both of them were adults and matured, so Wooseok should understand that nothing could last forever.

Unsurprisingly, Wooseok was being dramatic at first about the breakup, which only added to Jinhyuk’s tiredness of him. He told Wooseok that they could still be friends if that could help ease his anger, but it only turned out that they were “friends” who would immediately get into a fight whenever they met in public.

A year later, Wooseok couldn’t devote himself to any serious relationship, yet Jinhyuk had already dumped two girls. And then about a year and a half ago, one night, Wooseok suddenly called him while drunk, and told him that he finally found the right guy, his name is Cho Seungyoun.

Jinhyuk didn’t take that information seriously back then, because he was busily dating another actress. Well, maybe he was happy for Wooseok to some extent, but since they all had their own things to do, they just became farther away.

But distance also cures things. Later on, Wooseok would sometimes call him to ask about work-related things. They would exchange music demos as well. They didn’t quarrel on the phone as much as they used to, even though they still did. And then, of course, they were asked to join the same cooking show where Wooseok also asked him about some psychiatrist information for Seungyoun.

This work opportunity was when things really changed for Jinhyuk. Every day with Wooseok in the shooting studio made him recall the good memories. There was even one day when Wooseok suddenly kissed him after a fight with his boyfriend the night before, even though they both acknowledged that it was just a stress reliever. Anyway, things have clearly become better.

However, the other day when he stumbled upon Seungyoun who was hugging Wooseok by the back door of the studio, he didn't know that he had to walk aside and spend one minute to calm himself down. Although he then pretended to be chill and greeted them, he couldn’t help but intruded Wooseok’s resting room and agitated Seungyoun during lunch break, and performed a quite low trick on the couple. 

To his surprise, his trick actually worked, as Seungyoun didn’t look happy and even left the studio that afternoon. Jinhyuk then carried on his plan to drive Wooseok home that night after the director’s birthday party. But why was he still unsatisfied? Jinhyuk contemplated for a long time after sending Wooseok home that night. Was it because Wooseok no longer looked at him the same way he used to in the past? Indeed, even they kinda crossed the line that day in the resting room, Jinhyuk was clear that Wooseok was just playing, he was not serious, he was still thinking about his current boyfriend when kissing him… Yes, it’s true that Wooseok would never take him seriously again.

And this made him mad, very mad.

That’s why when he saw Wooseok’s manager this morning, he asked him what happened. Upon knowing that Wooseok was probably sick at home alone, he begged to go with him. Moreover, when they arrived at Wooseok’s place, the manager got an emergency call from the CEO and had to go back, so Jinhyuk had the chance to enter Wooseok’s house with ease.

But when he entered the bedroom and found Wooseok who was lying on the floor with bruises all over his body, knowing that Seungyoun had probably hurt him last night, he could no longer hold it.

_I just can’t bear to see other men taking advantage of you. I can’t see you being betrayed by those horrible people. Come to me and rely on me more, would you? Let me protect you!_

He once said this to Wooseok.

How come Wooseok is still being mistreated by men?

_Wooseok-ah, without me, how can you survive in this world?_

***

But now, it is too late. Ten years ago he chose to protect Wooseok from the rapers, but now he is the one who hurts him by bringing back that long-forgotten memory.

“I’m sorry, Wooseok. I… Never mind. I know you will never forgive me now,” Jinhyuk grins bitterly.

He is a jerk. Indeed, a complete jerk. 


	18. Chapter 18

After Jinhyuk left, Wooseok is again alone in the corner of the room, hugging himself tightly. What happened between him and Jinhyuk just now should be the real end of their relationship, which was good; but on the other hand, he is inevitably panicking due to the memories raised by him. He climbs back to the bed and looks at his reflection in the mirror on the big wardrobe. Yes, he indeed looks small and powerless.

He misses Seungyoun.

About half an hour later, Seungyoun comes back. He first looks in the kitchen to see if Wooseok has eaten the food he prepared, and then it takes him a while to finally gather the courage and walks into the bedroom.

The moment he enters the room, he sees Wooseok, who is looking at him with his big doe eyes widely open. He then notices the swollen part on Wooseok’s forehead from last night. It immediately makes his heart ache. He almost wants to turn around and run away. It’s all his fault, how can he face Wooseok again? But he also remembers what Dr. Lee said, so he tries his best to hold himself together.

It is strange. When Jinhyuk left just now, Wooseok felt quite dizzy and scared because of all the bad memories from the past, but when he sees Seungyoun who is standing by the bedroom door, he suddenly feels calm and forgets about all those things about himself. Instead, his heart races for Seungyoun. To be more specific, all the terrible things that happened when he was 16, as well as all the time that he had wasted on Jinhyuk, could not compare to the pain that he sees on Seungyoun’s face right now. Seungyoun looks so sad, regret, and almost about to collapse.

“Seungyoun,” Wooseok calls his name.

Seungyoun is apparently shocked. Good thing that he is leaning on the door and can still balance himself.

“Where did you go?” Wooseok’s voice sounds peaceful.

“I… I went to see Dr. Lee. It was time to get a new prescription. Do you want to eat anything? I’m going to…” Seungyoun can't help but tries to get away from this situation. Still, he’s not ready to face Wooseok, after everything he has done to him last night.

“Don’t go, Seungyoun! Don’t go, please! I’m not mad at you about last night. I’m not mad at all. Don’t think too much and don’t blame yourself, ok?” Wooseok raises his voice anxiously.

Seungyoun thinks he must have heard it wrong. How come Wooseok wasn’t mad at him? How could this be possible? He scared him, hurt him, and injured him, how come Wooseok was asking him to stop self-blaming?

“I know you must be blaming yourself right now, but please don’t. I love you, Seungyoun, I love you more than you think. Can you just come here and be by my side for a while?” Wooseok is almost begging. He has no idea why he’s in such an inferior position in this relationship, but he doesn’t feel bad about it.

Seungyoun looks at Wooseok, confused. And then he says, “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, Wooseok. I shouldn’t have treated you like that last night… I can’t forgive myself right now… Can you just… take a rest and let me be by myself for a while?” He then leaves the room.

What the hell is happening in their life? There are too many apologies, but for what exactly? Who’s really wrong?

Wooseok holds his big hugging pillow and watches Seungyoun disappearing in his sight again. He is sad, but he forgets to shed a tear.

“Then don’t even talk to me just now,” He murmurs to himself, “What should I do to make you feel better about yourself? Or are you tired of me already?”

Why does everyone punish me? What did I do wrong? Maybe the world will be a better place without me? Wooseok wonders and then laughs, what a ridiculous idea, but it kind of makes sense, right? If "Kim Wooseok" is nonexistent in this world, then Seungyoun would not blame himself all the time, Jinhyuk would not become a jerk and cause him secondary damage, and what's more maybe the three trainees from the past would not be expelled in the first place.

It’s already afternoon, Wooseok is quite hungry. So he finally gets off the bed and heads to the kitchen. When he looks at the living room from the open kitchen, he suddenly sees that Seungyoun is sitting by the big window writing something. He seems very concentrated and doesn’t even notice Wooseok is not far away.

He’s so handsome—it’s hard to believe this is the first reaction of Wooseok. Although they live together, see each other every day, for some reason such a focused Seungyoun suddenly makes him feel unfamiliar, or maybe, fascinated. He then realizes that this is what made him fall in love with Seungyoun in the first place—his concentration and devotion when he is so immersed in his world of art and music.

Something suddenly clicks in Wooseok head: That’s right! Seungyoun shouldn’t be his “servant,” he is an artist, he has his career and life, he needs more time for creation. However, recently Wooseok has been too needy and too reliant on him, maybe intruding too much into his personal space and time. It's funny that Wooseok even wondered why Seungyoun hadn't been productive lately, and now he realizes, isn’t he the reason why he’s out of ideas?

If it was in the past, Wooseok would immediately get mad when Seungyoun didn’t notice him, but now, standing a few meters away from him, Wooseok suddenly had this epiphany. So he quietly warms the food and eats by himself at the counter while looking at Seungyoun who is still working on something at the table against the big French window.

No one knows how long it has passed, but Wooseok is clearly fascinated by Seungyoun. His eyes follow his profile, his arched back, his moving fingers, and his long legs under the table. He also smiles when Seungyoun frowns, tearing papers apart and throwing them on the floor… He finds everything about this man sexy and cute. He also remembers when they first started dating, Seungyoun was always like this. He would sit in the same place in the living room, sometimes playing his guitar to make a new tune, other times writing lyrics or playing demos.

Since when did everything change in this house? Since when there is only possessiveness and paranoia left between them? Since when did this relationship steal Seungyoun’s music?

“Wooseok-ah!”

Suddenly, a familiar voice draws Wooseok back to reality. He is startled and dropped his spoon on the floor.

“What, what’s wrong?” He asks Seungyoun in surprise.

“Nothing, you just seemed… lost. Anyway, I think it’s time to apply some ointments for you. Let’s go inside.” Seungyoun says in a nonchalant voice. It is so obvious to Wooseok that he still doesn’t look at him in the eyes, but he has the responsibility to take care of Wooseok, it’s a habit.

“Ok,” Wooseok answers. He walks out from the open kitchen and follows Seungyoun into the bedroom. Even though they’ve been living together for so long, for some reason it feels kind of awkward right now, as if they are in the same space for the first time.

However, the bedroom is always the best. When Wooseok hits the bed and hugs his pillow, he feels calm and relaxed again.

Meanwhile, Seungyoun silently opens the drawer by the bed, takes out the ointments and medicine, and then mutters, “I’m sorry, Wooseok.”

Wooseok stares at him while hugging his favorite pillow. Every time when Seungyoun apologizes to him he feels sad. So he answers, “I’m begging you, Seungyoun, stop apologizing to me. I’m not mad at you! I swear! I’m happy as long as you are by my side, how can I be mad at you!”

Seungyoun doesn’t respond. He just gets on the bed, sitting across Wooseok.

“I know, you may not be mad at me, but I want to make something clear, otherwise… I don’t know what will happen between us.” Seungyoun finally blurts out.

Wooseok becomes nervous, what does he mean?

“So, I am very sorry. Yesterday… I got sad and mad when I saw you and him together. I used to tell myself that you two had already broken up and I shouldn’t be worrying at all. Also, we already had a quarrel about him not too long ago. However, yesterday at the studio… I was way off. I was so immature. I thought about the past that you and Jinhyuk shared, and I, I just became jealous again. I'm sorry that I couldn’t control myself…”

Wooseok didn’t expect this sudden confession from Seungyoun at all, so that he is just stunned and looking perplexed. 

“On my way home just now, I thought about the whole thing through carefully. I think I am a very mean and clumsy person when it comes to love. Maybe I still have no idea how to love you. You know, I might have never loved anyone before you, so I don't know what to do… Dr. Lee told me that I should be more confident about myself and about you. But confident about what? About ‘we will be together forever even when I hurt you?’ If so, doesn’t that make me a total ass?”

Wooseok’s heart starts to beat fast. He wants to hug Seungyoun, who looks like a kid admitting his wrongdoings in front of him. But he is hesitant because it seems that he still has something to say. So Wooseok doesn't let go of his pillow and continues to receive warmth and assurance from it. 

Seungyoun continues, “I’m not good at managing my own mind and feelings. Maybe it doesn’t always show, but for a long time, I lost the will to live. Even tiny things could trigger my death wish. Isn’t it funny? I’m just that childish and useless. I’m not a strong man at all. I’m weak yet having a high pride, I actually have nothing…” Seungyoun pauses and wears a bitter smile on his face. He doesn’t know why he suddenly tells Wooseok all this. Maybe it just came naturally, or maybe he’s just tired of himself.

Wooseok reaches his arm to Seungyoun. At first, he wanted to touch Seungyoun’s face, but the latter catches his hand in the air halfway. He shakes his head and continues, “I used to think, maybe there would be a day that I would suddenly jump out of the window for no reason. Or maybe I would be cooking and suddenly deciding to cut my artery. Actually, I was afraid, I was afraid that I would really do that without being conscious. In fact, less severe cases happened before, and I was scared after I regained my senses. See, after all, I’m just a useless man…”

Seungyoun rubs his hair and sighs, “But one day, I suddenly thought, so what if I’ll be dead? So what? There was nothing that made me feel ‘it’s good to be alive’; nothing that made me want to treasure this life further. I had enough and I was ready to die anytime. Interestingly, after I started to think this way, my condition actually improved. And not long after that, I met you.”

Seungyoun finally looks up at Wooseok after finishing the last word. He sees Wooseok’s watery eyes are shimmering and shaking. This makes him feel sorry again. He didn't mean to make Wooseok worry, he just wanted to tell him some truth about himself. But in the end, the younger seems to still be hurt. Argh... why is it so hard to do the right thing just for once? Seungyoun blames himself internally and caresses Wooseok’s cheeks, “It's ok. I'm not gonna kill myself now. It's just... I’ve been alone for too long, and I forget that my ‘out of control’ could hurt others, too… I'm sorry.”

“But I don’t mind!” Wooseok can’t hold back anymore, he throws his pillow away and hugs Seungyoun fiercely, “I could also be out of control! I could also hurt myself and hurt you! I have to take antidepressants, too. See, we are the same! That’s why we should be together! So please, don’t blame yourself anymore, we are in this together! Promise me!”

Seungyoun thinks for a while before reciprocates Wooseok’s hug. He rests his chin on Wooseok’s shoulder and says, “But you became like that after you met me, right? So it was still my fault. I’ve been depressed and taking meds for ten years! Maybe I have already come to a mutual understanding with my sickness, or with my broken self. I can tolerate it, but I can’t let it hurt you…”

“No, it won’t! You won’t! I trust you.” Wooseok shouts.

“Actually, I was really jealous. I watched some videos from your previous group. I saw you were interacting with Jinhyuk happily, and you looked… much happier than right now.” Seungyoun suddenly changes the topic.

“What?” Wooseok hears it and lets go of Seungyoun. He is confused about why Seungyoun suddenly talks about those things. 

“So I thought, maybe Jinhyuk was the one who could truly bring happiness to you. He wouldn’t be like me, who always makes you worried, sad, and depressed.”

“But I—” Wooseok tries to explain, but is stopped by Seungyoun’s index finger on his lips.

“I know. You guys broke up already and we are currently dating. But I also want to see you laugh like that, I failed to make you that happy.” Seungyoun shakes his head and lets out a long and bitter sigh. He's done talking. And it's weird that, after everything he has just said, his expression suddenly becomes more relaxed. Then, he just pats Wooseok’s waist and says, “Ok, that’s all I wanted to say. Now I’m going to apply ointments for you.”

However, for Wooseok, this random talk, or confession initiated by Seungyoun, just ended with nothing solved. As a result, he is not only unsatisfied but also offended. So he doesn’t turn his back for Seungyoun to apply the ointments; instead, he firmly looks into his eyes.

Seungyoun is, indeed, a very self-conscious man, and he could even talk about suicidal thoughts as if they were nothing. However, Wooseok is not offended by this, rather, he is mad at how Seungyoun overlooked his will and strength in love. He wonders internally: Is this your plan? So that one day when you really want to end your life, I won't be unprepared? 

Wooseok stares at Seungyoun’s weary eyes and puts his right hand on his own fervently bouncing heart, he then says, “Seungyoun, it’s not just you who has a ‘ten year,’ it’s not just you who once wanted to end your life… So, you will never hurt me. NEVER!”


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short sweet update. :)

Wooseok almost blurted out his past, his “ten years,” to Seungyoun, but he suddenly recalled what Jinhyuk said: “He may not like you if he knows about it,” and then he stopped.

Actually, Wooseok didn’t understand the logic in Jinhyuk’s “threat” at first. He himself was the victim, Seungyoun would never hate him because he was being sexually assaulted by others, right? But when he really thought about it, he began to question: what if? What if he would care? He was already that angry about his past relationship with Jinhyuk before, maybe he would blame the victim this time? Or maybe, he would be triggered and doing something crazy again? Seungyoun is not in a stable mental state so it would be better to hide something that sensitive from him.

So Wooseok calms himself down after the heated inner conflict, and instead, hugs Seungyoun softly without continuing his words. However, it feels weird for Seungyoun, so he asks, “What did you mean just now?”

“Nothing, I just thought, maybe many people had a death wish when they were young… But I know you are different… so just forget about it, I’m sorry for yelling at you just now.” Wooseok is good at coming with excuses quickly, he then cuddles on Seungyoun’s body and sniffs the wooden scent coming from his neck. It’s really calming.

“Are you gonna look down upon me?” Seungyoun reciprocates the hug and whispers.

“Of course not! I can say ‘I love you’ thousand times right here right now. How would I look down upon you? You didn’t choose to have depression; it came to you.” Wooseok answers.

Seungyoun almost cries after hearing Wooseok’s words. He doesn’t know what he did to deserve such a perfect angel in his life. He said he would die for Wooseok before, and he doesn’t mind saying it again. He loves him more day by day; his possessiveness of him also increases day by day. Maybe because of this, he becomes sick for love? After realizing this, Seungyoun abruptly releases Wooseok; however, the latter immediately bites on his lips in return.

Ah… Wooseok is so witty sometimes, Seungyoun tastes the kiss fully. And even though they are so close, he can still sense the flattering of Wooseok’s eyelashes. They naturally tilt their heads and swirls their tongues to make the kiss deeper and more enjoyable. Indeed, Seungyoun is in a very weak state of mind and his confidence has gotten down to the bottom. Therefore, Wooseok’s existence in his life has become enlarged and more important than ever. When Wooseok initiates a hug, a kiss, he feels like he is been warmed up by the most serene candles at night. Wooseok is so small, but he is also so strong and determined, ready to light up his life.

Their kisses are usually very passionate, but this one is more like two pieces of feature rubbing each other. When it ends, Seungyoun looks into Wooseok’s shimmering eyes and says, “I love you. And I can also say it a thousand times, a million times.”

Wooseok smiles, he is still mesmerized in the kiss. But hearing what Seungyoun said made him feel like floating in the air. He then asks with a naughty expression, “So do you like the Kim Wooseok in the past? The one that you said would ‘smile from the bottom of his heart’? So how about the Kim Wooseok in the present? Did he change a lot?”

Seungyoun is surprised by the question, but it came from something he said just now so he quickly shakes his head, “The Kim Wooseok at present is warmer, more beautiful. And the one in the past was cuter, more like a kid, and had some expressions that I had never seen.”

Wooseok laughs, “That’s because I WAS a kid back in the days! So stop sulking. Oh wait, so you don’t want me to grow up? Are you complaining that I’m old? Or should I cosplay as a schoolboy for you?”

“No no no! That’s not what I meant!” Seungyoun pats Wooseok’s back for forgiveness, “I meant that in the past you…” But then he suddenly feels there is no need to explain anything. The “past,” the “present,” whatever. He fell in love with Wooseok about two years ago, so that was, and is the one he loves.

As if he has found Seungyoun’s conflicting mind, Wooseok suddenly becomes more serious and comforts him, “I was so heartless in the past, I was childish. Yes, the one you saw in the videos when I was with my group, that was real me being real childish and stupid. I thought the world revolved around me, I thought I was the most visible one in the crowd, and I was quite self-righteous. I enjoyed being loved by others. But would you really love a Kim Wooseok like that?”

Seungyoun doesn’t answer. Honestly, he has seen many celebrities like that during his work as a musician and producer, and he would always keep a distance. They are either too shiny or too childish. Either way, he doesn’t like it.

Wooseok sighs and continues, “The first time I met you, I was still a little bit like that, wasn’t I? And when I proposed the idea of dating you, I was kind of self-centered, right?”

Seungyoun tries to recall the day when they talked about getting into a relationship and then he suddenly laughs out loud. Because at that time, Wooseok was biting a chicken foot and sat in a crazy position on a revolving chair. Indeed, he was more childish that day, but maybe it was cute? Also, Seungyoun doesn’t think Wooseok was “heartless,” he believes that Woosoek is just smart and knows how to grasp people’s needs and wants. Seungyoun doesn’t distaste this trait about Wooseok. Also, when he agreed to date him, he was also not that serious as he was just trying to “follow the doctor’s suggestion.”

Wooseok leans closer and looks straight into Seungyoun in the eyes, he then says, “After we become a couple, I have become more empathetic. I learned to take care of others, listen to others’ feelings. I learned how to love someone… at least that’s how I feel. Seungyoun, you have made me a better person, so you are NOT the one who made me depressed. Even if I’m worried about you, depressed for you, it’s all because I’m learning to love you more. How can I become ‘bad’ because of you?” He then cups Seungyoun’s face and smiles at him with his eyes shining like the brightest stars.

Seungyoun instinctively escapes such intense gaze. He is beyond moved and knows that he shouldn’t be saying anything depressing now. However, his first reaction inside his heart is still, “I don’t deserve you. A perfect you.”

“Ok, my idiot, what else do you want to hear from me? I can tell you all day,” Wooseok is being super patient right now, which is quite rare. He just wants to encourage and cheer Seungyoun up so desperately. And also, this gives him a chance to reflect on himself.

“Thank you, Wooseok. I think I just realized something.” Seungyoun finally says.

“What?”

“I realized my doctor’s words. He said that maybe I should be in a relationship and that would make myself better. And now, I think you are more effective to heal me than the doctor,” Seungyoun smiles.

“Wait, don’t tell me you agreed to date me because your doctor asked you to? Really?” Wooseok suddenly became anxious and raised his voice.

Seungyoun becomes a little nervous too after seeing Wooseok’s reaction. Then he nods, and then shakes his head right after, making the situation undecipherable.

“Wait!!! So if I didn’t confess to you on that day, if someone else did, you would date that person too???” Wooseok pouts.

“Of course not!” Seungyoun answers, “It was because… you appreciated me… you were like a gift to me when I needed the most.” Seungyoun suddenly blushes after saying this, because comparing Wooseok to a “gift” is somewhat cheesy to him.

“I was kidding,” Wooseok then admits, and kisses the tip of Seungyoun’s nose, “I wasn’t mad. Even if you agreed because you were bored, I would not complain. Because what I have now is the best result. If we really missed each other, then that’s our fate, too. But now, I’m your gift, and I’m your medicine. I’m good with that. Oh wait, you still need to listen to your doctor though. Don’t forget to take meds… Ahhh I forgot to take mine yesterday!”

The lighthearted conversation makes Seungyoun happy, but not entirely relaxed. Wooseok can cure him, but cannot persuade him completely. Of course he knows his personality and state of mind have affected Wooseok to a great deal. Although Wooseok looks totally fine now, he has just been diagnosed with delusional disorder and an early stage of depression. Obviously, Seungyoun cannot overlook this. Also, he has somehow sensed something that Wooseok has been hiding from him about his past. However, he eventually decides to not think too much right now.

“What’s wrong? Are you feeling better now? How was Dr. Kim's therapy?” Wooseok jokes.

“Much better. How about you? Are you feeling painful anywhere on your body?” Seungyoun wants to touch the swollen part on Wooseok’s forehead but then stops halfway. He’s afraid that even a simple touch will hurt him again.

“Well, a little bit,” Wooseok answers honestly, “So are you going to help me apply the ointments now?” He then buries his head in the pillow and in an arched position. But then, he gently mutters, “Although it was hurtful, I kinda enjoyed some parts of it last night…”

“Wait what?” Seungyoun is rubbing the ointments and suddenly stops by Wooseok’s reckless words.

“I said… well… maybe… we could sometimes do something more exciting like last night? I, I mean, it was nice at certain points… you know… emmm…. Just don’t leave me there alone…”

Seungyoun can’t believe what he just heard, and he thinks he must be blushing right now. This kitten is definitely naughtier than he thinks. He pats Wooseok’s butts and says, “No, I’m not gonna do that to you again.”

“Why?” Wooseok whines, he almost seems a little disappointed.

“Because you deserve better. And I don’t want to ever think about what happened last night.” Seungyoun says with a serious face. Indeed, he will never hurt Wooseok like that.

Seungyoun then leans down and kisses the hollow of Wooseok’s arched back, when he leaves his lips, a strawberry-shaped mark has been left there on his pale and silky skin.

Maybe he still can’t guarantee that he won’t be jealous again, he also can’t guarantee that he’ll forgive Jinhyuk, but right now, he wants to embrace a newly discovered “self.” If both of them are changing because of the other, then the first thing is to embrace the changes, right?

“Why are you kissing me again?” Wooseok’s voice comes from the pillow.

“Because I love you. And please, promise me.”

“Promise you what?”

“Till Death Do Us Part.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains 🔞🔞🔞

Two days later, Wooseok needs to go back to shoot the cooking show. The only scar that is visible is the one on his forehead, so he has to wear a cap that morning.

Seungyoun wanted to drive him to the studio but manager Choi came super early and claimed that he would do it. Seungyoun didn’t insist. He gave Wooseok a hug and whispered to him to take care of himself. In fact, he was still quite guilty when he saw the scar on Wooseok’s forehead, but Wooseok seemed to understand his feeling and gave him a comforting kiss on the cheek, “It’s fine. A little bit of makeup will cover the scar. By the way, I will not even look at that jerk today.” He meant Jinhyuk, they both knew.

Seungyoun smiled bitterly. He felt a little ashamed that he had made his boyfriend do this just to make him feel more secure.

“Fighting. I’ll wait for you at home.” 

Wooseok fell asleep when doing makeup until he heard a loud laugh. And then, he sees Jinhyuk is sitting two chairs away from him. Their eyes meet in the mirror but both quickly shy away.

In fact, although Jinhyuk hurt him with the case from ten years ago the other day, it didn’t affect Wooseok for too long, especially because he and Seungyoun actually got back to normal later that day. But it was important for Wooseok to finally use this chance to recognize what kind of person Jinhyuk was. So that day was more significant in that it taught him to never have any feelings for Jinhyuk again. As long as he has Seungyoun now, he can leave those bad memories behind, and he can fill his head with love from, and for Seungyoun.

Therefore, it is actually Jinhyuk who is more nervous when seeing Wooseok at work again. That day when he left Wooseok’s house, he was devasted because he knew his thoughtless behavior had ruined their relationship. Although years ago, he was the one who initiated the breakup and thus has already “lost” him, it hurt much more this time when he realized that he might have lost Wooseok forever. 

“What’s wrong with this scar on your forehead?” Suddenly, the makeup artist's voice breaks the silence.

“Ah, it's nothing. I just hit my head when I was trying to find something under the bed,” Wooseok answers swiftly. Jinhyuk coughs after hearing the lie, but Wooseok doesn’t even look at his direction.

When the shooting starts, Wooseok and Jinhyuk deliberately stand very far away from each other. During the lunch break, although manager Choi asks Wooseok about how it went the other day when Jinhyuk "replaced" him to visit his house, Wooseok just dodges the question by complaining about why aljussi gave the key to Jinhyuk without his permission. Although manager Choi stops asking afterward, he does have a feeling that these two must have had a quarrel based on Wooseok’s attitude. Maybe working with Jinhyuk is indeed very stressful for Wooseok, but there is no way back now. Also, Wooseok just has to endure for a few episodes, and then he will be done.

“Wooseok-ah, my promise to give you a vacation after this show is done is still valid, you know?” To make Wooseok happier, manager Choi decides to change a topic.

“Yea, I know. Thanks aljussi.” Wooseok replies casually while eating his lunch.

“Do you have any destination in mind? How about traveling abroad?”

After hearing this, Wooseok suddenly recalls that a while ago, he and Seungyoun actually discussed about it one night. However, their relationship was too turbulent after that and they both forgot about it.

“I’ll have to discuss with Seungyoun,” Wooseok answers, “And of course we are going abroad. I don’t want to stay in Korea.”

“Are you guys ok, recently?” Manager Choi asks with a concerning look on his face. 

“We are very good. Didn’t you see how close we were this morning?” Wooseok rolls his eyes.

“Ok, fine. I really don’t understand you young couples,” manager Choi sighs, “I’m probably a real aljussi now.”

“You are,” Wooseok finally smiles sincerely.

In the afternoon, Wooseok and Jinhyuk are required to have some interactions. Good thing that they are professional enough to carry this out naturally. However, they no longer have skinship like before, although one time, Jinhyuk almost touched Wooseok’s back out of habit.

Wooseok usually doesn’t truly get mad at someone, but when he does, the cause must be serious. Jinhyuk knows this very well, that’s why he watches his own conduct around Wooseok more cautiously than before. But this also makes him very frustrated, to the point that the director even stops to ask him what is wrong. Meanwhile, Wooseok is unbothered and uses the resting time to check on popular travel destinations on his phone.

Such awkward relationship between Wooseok and Jinhyuk continues in the remaining shootings. It is fortunate that the director seldom forces them to interact. After all, it would also draw viewership if they interact with those female idols.

One day, Wooseok returns home and finds that Seungyoun is watching TV on the sofa. He runs towards him and hugs him from the back, asking, “Why are you watching TV? It’s so rare.”

“I’m watching your variety show. It’s ads break now.” Seungyoun answers while rubs Wooseok’s hands without looking back.

“There’s nothing interesting about that show,” Wooseok says. He doesn’t want Seungyoun to watch it because, of course, he’s afraid that there will be scenes of him and Jinhyuk being close. Thus, he walks towards the kitchen while suggesting, “How about let’s drink some alcohol and have a movie night?”

“There’s only beer in the fridge,” Seungyoun turns around and says.

When Wooseok returns to the living room with two cans of beer in his hand, the show starts again. He sits beside Seungyoun and asks, “You really don’t want to watch a movie with me?”

Indeed, that would be more like something they would do. When they started to live together, they would always cuddle on the same sofa and watch a movie together. But this habit somehow died out, and they both forgot why.

As Wooseok is thinking about the past, he suddenly notices that on the TV screen, Jinhyuk is holding him from the back. It was when everyone was standing close together to watch a famous chief cooking, and Jinhyuk just hugged him like that naturally. However, what is more disturbing is that, the aftereffect even added some hearts around them, as well as the pink texts, “What a beautiful bromance.”

What the hell? Wooseok is beyond mad and he aggressively takes the controller on the table. However, Seungyoun suddenly grabs his hand and says, “You don’t have to do this.”

“But I… I don’t want you to…”

“I’m not overthinking, it’s you who are overly sensitive now,” Seungyoun smiles, “You already told me that you won’t be in contact with him, and I trust you.” He says while holds Wooseok’s shoulder, pulling him back to the sofa. In fact, Seungyoun really wants to get rid of the impression that he is “easy to get jealous of Jinhyuk,” that’s why he’s doing this now.

“Really? Ok. And I didn’t lie. I really didn’t talk to him recently, unless it was required by the director,” Wooseok calms himself down and sits back on the sofa.

“Didn’t he find it strange though?” Seungyoun asks.

And this question makes Wooseok realize that, even though he has more than enough reasons to cut his tie with Jinhyuk, Seungyoun doesn’t really know the whole thing. For example, he still doesn't know the fact that Jinhyuk came to their house the other day.

“Whatever, I don’t care what he thinks. And he was being mean when he first met you, that was enough to make me mad,” Wooseok dodges the question and then drinks his beer.

Seungyoun doesn’t ask more. Instead, he suddenly seizes Wooseok’s waist and easily places him on his laps. Wooseok is surprised, but then he hears Seungyoun’s soft voice coming from his nape, “Let’s watch a movie then.” 

Wooseok’s heart immediately races. Under such a circumstance, there is something more suitable to do than just “watch a movie.” He takes another sip of beer, pretending to be calm.

“What do you want to watch? Horror movie? Comedy?” Seungyoun asks.

“I thought you didn’t like horror movies?” Wooseok asks in return.

“That’s true. But I’m ok if I’m holding you like this,” Seungyoun says while hugging him tighter.

Wooseok feels so soft. They haven’t had a movie night for so long, but now all he wants is something else.

“Then let’s watch a romantic drama,” Wooseok answers.

“Ok, it’s all up to you.” Seungyoun hands him the controller. Wooseok quickly presses on it and soon, _Pride and Prejudice_ is on the screen.

“Why this one? We’ve watched it together before,” Seungyoun remembers that this was actually the first movie that they watched together in this room. At that time, he had already watched it, but Wooseok insisted on watching it again because he “likes the music” in it.

This time, Wooseok doesn’t answer him. Instead, he just casually moves his hips on Seungyoun’s laps to find a more comfortable pose, and then presses the “play” button.

Soon, the screen lights up a little bit, and the beautiful countryside scenery of England appears in their sight. Wooseok soon feels that Seungyoun has held him even tighter as if he’s a hugging pillow. At the same time, he is also embarrassed because Seungyoun can definitely sense how loud his heart is right now, given that his arms are pressing on his heart.

Not even three minutes into the movie, Seungyoun naturally presses his lips on the hollow of Wooseok’s shoulder. He doesn’t really like to watch the same movie over and over again, so today he’s really just pleasing Wooseok. And since he feels bored, he becomes naughty by kissing Wooseok to distract him. Until he hears the smaller man lets out a strange moan, he stops, and then buries his face in his neck.

Meanwhile, Wooseok doesn’t care about the movie from the very beginning as well. And what Seungyoun is doing right now is exactly what he really wanted. So he hurriedly turns around on the taller man’s laps and faces him, looking straight into his eyes, full of lust.

The room darkens again because of the overall tone of the movie, and for these two lovebirds, they don’t really care if they can see each other’s face clearly either. It is enough to just feel the other’s warm and sensual breaths.

“Let’s do it. I want you.” Wooseok says and kisses Seungyoun aggressively, not even letting the older talk.

Seungyoun is a little unprepared for such a needy kiss. But he manages to accept it quickly. He can feel Wooseok is grinding his hips on his laps and this makes him feel things on his lower body within seconds. The movie indeed has very beautiful music, but now the melodies are like the catalyst for their upcoming sex. Seungyoun starts to suck Wooseok’s tongue and tastes the bittersweetness inside his mouth after that can of beer. Their kiss is passionate and fervent, full of juices, moans, and whines in between breaths. Seungyoun then extends his one hand inside Wooseok’s shirt, asking, “Is your body ok now? Do you still feel hurt anywhere?”

“No, I’m fine. I’m totally fine.” Wooseok answers quickly. The moment he feels Seungyoun’s hand on his back, he has already lost other feelings. He thinks Seungyoun asked this because of last time when they did that in the closet. But he doesn’t care now, he wants to have sex with Seungyoun again. That’s all.

Seungyoun pulls up Wooseok’s shirt and then throws it aside. His fingers then roam on the smaller man’s naked body, as well as his curvy lines and pointy bones. Wooseok seems to be especially sensitive tonight that he keeps moaning when being touched and caressed. He has even put his long fingers inside Seungyoun’s hair already. The temperature difference excites him somehow.

Seungyoun leans back to give a better look at Wooseok’s body, and then he starts to kiss his nipples. Wooseok pulls Seungyoun’s hair and the sound that he makes never lie.

“Ah… I like it…” Wooseok moans.

“Hm…” Seungyoun uses his tongue to play with the two pinky dots on Wooseok’s chest. And then he sucks one to another. Wooseok’s legs start to shake and squeeze, his hands also pull harder of Seungyoun’s hair. It’s a little annoying, but Seungyoun decides to ignore that, because Wooseok is just so tasty…

When the first round of play stops, Wooseok puts both of his hands on Seungyoun’s chest. He feels the movement of his breath, as well as the fast heartbeat. Everything makes him excited and aroused. He begins to unbutton Seungyoun’s pajama, and after just three buttons, he already puts his hand inside, and gives him a long, passionate kiss in the mouth.

“Just pull your pants off already. You’re so hard now,” after the while, Wooseok stops the kiss and demands.

“Why are you always in a hurry?” Seungyoun teases while looking at Wooseok with that crescent smiley eyes.

“No jokes now, I’m asking you to fuck me, are you complaining?” Wooseok replies shamelessly like he always does in bed. But in fact, his face is burning, and he knows it. How come he adores Seungyoun’s naked body this much? How come he is so needy every time? He doesn’t know, but all he knows is that the next second, his hands are already on Seungyoun’s furious shaft.

Oh shit, he loves everything about this man, especially his… manhood.

There’s nothing to act as lube near them, so Seungyoun suddenly puts two fingers inside Wooseok’s mouth. Wooseok obediently licks and sucks them, until making them so wet and smooth. When Seungyoun pulls out the fingers, he even seems a little unsatisfied.

Seungyoun suddenly laughs, which makes Wooseok open his eyes in terror as if he’s asking, what did I do wrong?

Seungyoun tilts his head to look at Wooseok’s watery eyes and slightly opened mouth, “You know, you are the most beautiful when you want me.” He then gives Wooseok a light kiss as a reward, and without any warning, he abruptly enters his fingers inside Wooseok’s hole.

“Ah!!!” Wooseok is totally unprepared so he screams.

“Oops, sorry dear, did it hurt?” Seungyoun realizes that he might be a little too fast.

“No, it’s nothing…” Wooseok immediately explains and lifts up his hips to provide better access.

It’s been a while since they had sex, so Wooseok’s hole is extremely tight tonight. However, Seungyoun forgot about it and that’s why he entered so quickly. Now he feels a little guilty and stops there without moving his fingers.

But it is Wooseok who gets impatient first, “just move, idiot.” He bites Seungyoun’s ear.

Seungyoun laughs again, “How about you move yourself?”

Wooseok rolls his eyes and doesn’t want to reply anymore. He is so impatient so he really starts to move his hips up and down with Seungyoun’s fingers inside. He needs something to penetrate his hole so bad recently, so even two fingers could make him horny as hell.

Wooseok plays like this for a while, but soon finds that it is too unsatisfactory for him. Eventually, he hugs Seungyoun’s neck and begs, “I don’t want this anymore… just give me your cock.” He then gives Seungyoun another long and wet kiss fully in the mouth, trying his best to seduce the man.

Seungyoun is actually super hard now. So he decides to stop teasing and then pulls his fingers out of Wooseok’s hole in the back. He then grabs his shaft, lightly slaps on Wooseok’s butts. Wooseok lets out a happy moan, and nods on his back.

Since the hole is still tight, it takes Seungyoun a few try to slowly insert his manhood into it. And it feels heavenly. “Ngh… ah…” He also groans, and slightly tweaks the position.

It doesn’t take them long to adjust to each other’s existence. Seungyoun moves his lower body up and down to hit Wooseok’s inside. He starts slow and then becomes more aggressive. Wooeok’s body on him is so light, almost like feather, so Seungyoun needs to ram harder and harder in order to feel more… things… more sense of conquering and overpowering.

“Ah… gosh… you are… so strong tonight…” Wooseok screams and moans.

“And you are so tight tonight, babe,” Seungyoun says in reply while keeps his lower body working. This position is actually tiring but he doesn’t want to complain at all.

“Ngh… so full…” Wooseok’s voice is just by his ear, and his plumpy lips are caressing his earlobe.

Seungyoun keeps ramming like a machine, and the claps are so loud, almost heating up Wooseok’s butts. At one point, he even wants to go even deeper. So he seizes Wooseok’s waist and sending all his strength down to try to hit the innermost of the smaller man’s prostate.

When that moment comes, Wooseok screams like he’s having an electric shock. He can’t help but bites on Seungyoun’s shoulder, making his shaking voice in between his breaths, “Seung… Seungyoun… I want to cum…”

“Hm? Ok, say something and I’ll let you,” Seungyoun is still moving himself, but he manages to give a request.

“Ok… fine… destroy me… Seungyoun… I’m all yours… I, I love you. I love you…” Wooseok seems to be wanting to say more, but his white, sticky cum cannot be held anymore and spills on Seungyoun’s belly, making Seungyoun suddenly stop his movement.

Wooseok is a little scared now, he almost cries, “I’m sorry… I…”

“It’s fine, baby. Just lick them clean, ok?” Seungyoun smiles and gives him a comforting kiss on the cheek. Of course he’s not mad, he just wants to tease, since Wooseok is so needy tonight.

Wooseok nods, and just when he’s about to move down, Seungyoun’s cock inside him suddenly begins to hit his hard again. He yells in ecstasy and holds on Seungyoun’s nape, “I, I’m fine… just do me like this… demolish me, kill me, let me die…” He doesn’t even know what he’s saying, or maybe, this is what he wants to say the most.

When Seungyoun finally shed his cum all over Wooseok’s face, he holds the almost unconscious man’s nape and lets him lie down on the sofa. He gazes at his beautiful baby who still has his cum on that flawless face and on the fluttering eyelashes, and murmurs, “Baby, we both like to say ‘die’ too often…”

That night, they actually did more than once. When Wooseok woke up from the first round, they briefly cleaned each other and then moved to the kitchen counter, and finally moved to the bed.

Also that night, Wooseok had a dream. He killed someone, and then set a big fire. He saw three shadows in the fire, and they became black smokes, rising to the sky.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just another transition chapter. And then it's their vacation!

“I think I’m fine now. I don’t need to take antidepressants anymore,” Wooseok says to his new therapist, Dr. Jung.

Indeed, after two weeks of taking antidepressants, Wooseok has been feeling great. He no longer talks to Jinhyuk; he is in good relationship with Seungyoun. And although sometimes he still has nightmares, he no longer cries desperately in the middle of the night. Also, the shooting of the cooking show finally ended two days ago, and that means, he can finally go on a vacation with Seungyoun.

The therapist remains silent for a while as he looks down at his clipboard. He just took over this case from his senbae Dr. Lee, and studied about Wooseok’s materials in the past few days. He then looks at Wooseok and says, “Well, since you have just moved to the normal dose, I want you to keep it for a while.”

Wooseok seems disappointed.

“I still need to observe you for a while, you know.” The younger doctor looks nonchalantly while speaking without looking up, “Also, I want to know more about you.”

Dr. Jung’s attitude somehow makes Wooseok nervous, even guilty, because it makes him remember that he actually didn’t tell Dr. Lee everything before, including the case that happened to him ten years ago. 

“So, it seems like you have very bad sleep quality, and always have violent dreams?”

“Hmm… that’s true.” Wooseok nods.

***

Meanwhile, Seungyoun is also meeting his therapist.

“How have you been?” Dr. Lee asks normally.

“Pretty good?” Seungyoun answers in a relaxing tone. Since he increased dose two weeks ago, the result came into effect very quickly. He no longer feels guilty when being with Wooseok, and he would not have many mental struggles when having sex.

“Ok, then let’s keep the dose this way for a while,” Dr. Lee adjusts his glasses and says, “How about Wooseok? Is he ok?”

Seungyoun recalls Wooseok’s condition in the past two weeks: he went to work every day and, thank god, that cooking show was finally over. He also slept well, at least he didn’t wake him up at night and cry. Moreover, he seemed to be enjoying sex as well, so no problem with that either.

“I think he’s good, too. Basically, we didn’t have any conflict at all. ” Seungyoun then answers Dr. Lee.

Dr. Lee checks his clipboard and nods, “So, are you guys going to travel soon?”

“Yes, he said we are going to England.”

“That’s quite far! But it’s good that you are going somewhere foreign. I’m sure you two can relax there. Oh, so I’ll make sure to prescribe you with enough meds for the trip.” Dr. Lee seems genuinely happy for them.

However, Seungyoun doesn’t seem that excited. He even seems a little anxious based on his body language. In the next few minutes, he sometimes scratches his head, sometimes looks around the room while talking. Of course, Dr. Lee notices this, so he asks at the end of their appointment, “Any concerns before you go?”

Seungyoun looks hesitant, but he finally blurts out, “I… I think I still can’t make music. I can’t create. My body, my brain… they refuse to let me touch my instruments… I tried to write lyrics the other day but failed as well. I…” Seungyoun almost cries, “I think I can never create anything anymore…”

***

Manager Choi gave Wooseok 15 days of vacation. And Seungyoun’s job at the music label doesn’t even require him to work from the office, so of course it was easy for him to ask for a two-week leave. In terms of their vacation destination, it was decided by Wooseok. In fact, after “watching” _Pride and Prejudice_ that night, Wooseok suddenly had this idea to go to England. He didn’t want to go to London or other big cities, but somewhere quiet and special. Since he knew Seungyoun loves the ocean, he did some research and decided to go to Cornwall, the county located on the southwest tip of England. Also, there is a place called “Land’s End” in Cornwall, which drew his attention. Since it is the most westerly point of mainland England, it must have stunning cliff views, which Seungyoun must be fond of, Wooseok thought.

Wooseok then asked his friend in a travel agency to book their flights and hotels. When he finally told Seungyoun about the destination, Seungyoun seemed happy knowing that they would go somewhere near the sea, so Wooseok was quite relieved.

Actually, Wooseok had a radio interview the night before they leave. When asked about his recent plans, Wooseok couldn’t help but revealed a little bit about his upcoming trip to England. However, he just said that he would take a rest by traveling to Europe, and then he’ll think about works when he comes back.

“Are you traveling by yourself?” The DJ asked him curiously.

“No. I’m traveling with a friend. He’s not a celebrity, though.” Wooseok answered naturally, indicating there's no need to pursue this question.

He arrived home excitedly that night, and couldn’t sleep well because he was too looking forward to the trip. As a result, Wooseok looked exhausted and had swollen eyes the next morning…

Because it’s a private trip, Wooseok didn’t ask the agency to send a car to take them to the airport; instead, he just ordered a taxi. He inclines to Seungyoun’s shoulder in the car, imagining all the good things they will be doing in England. And when they arrive at the airport, Wooseok changes to a jacket that is totally not his style and wears a cap that he seldom wears to hide his celebrity identity. Meanwhile, Seungyoun seems more relaxed. Nobody knows him anyway.

If it were a public trip, Wooseok would have already been surrounded by cameras, journalists, and screaming fans. But today, even though no one recognizes him, he still walks as if the airport passage is his runway. Seungyoun can’t help but laughs behind him. Wooseok turns around looking confused, and the taller man says, “Maybe you are just born to be a star.”

Wooseok realizes that he is still in his “celebrity” mode, so he looks around and lowers his cap, paying attention to everyone walking past him. Seungyoun can’t stand this anymore so he walks up to him and holds his shoulder, “Don’t look around that cautiously, ok? You are making yourself more suspicious than you already are.”

Since Seungyoun’s body is much bigger than Wooseok's, now he is totally “hiding” the smaller inside his embrace. Wooseok feels warm and secured, so he whispers “ok” and leans closer to his boyfriend. Good thing that although this is so sweet for both of them, they only look like two normal friends in the eyes of the public in this culture.

They bought First Class seats, but the 13-hour flight is still a drudgery. Wooseok feels sleepy after watching two movies in the plane, and he rests his arm on the baffle between his and Seungyoun's seats. And soon, his hand is grabbed by Seungyoun. Wooseok closes his eyes and smiles in satisfaction. The trip is boring but he can't really sleep. But it is nice that they two can just intertwine their hands and feel each other's warmth without saying a word.

Since they couldn’t really cuddle during the long flight, the first thing Wooseok does after he sets feet on the ground of England is to hold Seungyoun’s arm tightly.

“What if there are people who can recognize you?” Seungyoun asks, even though he doesn’t really mind.

“People in the First Class shouldn’t be that gossipy,” Wooseok doesn’t even bother to look around now. He even stands on his tiptoes and gives Seungyoun a quick kiss on the cheek while they are still on the jet bridge. They are in a different country anyway, it’s time to enjoy some freedom.

Although they are both tired after the long flight, London welcomes them with bright afternoon sunshine. This is the first time that they travel aboard together and it is enough to make both of them excited.

“So, do you have any specific plan now?” Seungyoun asks Wooseok after they pass the customs.

“Hm? No? How about you?” Wooseok answers casually. Indeed, he only asked his friend to book the flights and hotels but didn’t really plan on “how” to travel in Cornwall. After all, Wooseok is the kind of person who doesn’t like to plan on things in detail, so when Seungyoun asked him about it, he just pouted, trying to dodge the question by being cute. 

Seungyoun shakes his head, but actually, since he knew Wooseok wouldn’t do it, he spent a little bit of time the night before checking on the travel routes online. At least the information that he knows now is enough for them to transport from London to Cornwall tomorrow. And in terms of the rest, they’ll probably just use their Google maps or ask the locals.

They spend the first night in a hotel in London, and take a train to the southwest England early the next morning. Since Cornwall is not a popular destination for international travelers, they don’t see many Asians on the train. But this also makes them stand out more.

As the time lag hits, Wooseok feels sleepy again on the bumpy train, so he leans closer to Seungyoun. When Wooseok finds the most comfortable spot on the taller man's shoulder, he licks his lips and cuddles with him like a cat. Meanwhile, Seungyoun looks out of the window and sees the sceneries changing from cosmopolitan to industrial, and then to the endless grass and farming lands. It’s so beautiful, so different from Korea, of course.

After a few stops, a granny walks on the train and sits opposite to them. She looks curious about these Asian travelers, and after a while she finally says, “You two look cute.”

Seungyoun has never been complimented like this, so he smiles shyly as a response.

“Are you Japanese?” The granny continues to talk to him.

“No, we are Korean,” Seungyoun answers.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Actually, I had a Japanese boyfriend many years ago, haha.” The granny blushes, “It’s rare to see Asian people on this train at this time of the day, you two make me think of him.”

Seungyoun looks at the granny’s glowing face and thinks that it must be a beautiful memory for her.

“It’s nice that you can just fly from another continent to here within a day, and you can talk to people all over the world on the phone. Back in the days…” the granny pauses and then utters with a slightly bitter smile on her wrinkled face, “I wish I hadn’t left Japan… I was sent by my institution to teach English there. I met him and fell in love with him. We had a great time together... But in the end, I decided to come back to England, and that was the beginning of my regret for almost half a century...”

Seungyoun is a little surprised that this granny whom he has just met would tell him about her love story, but then he also appreciates the fact that their trip starts with such a friendly old lady. As he is mesmerized in this distant story, Wooseok suddenly moves his head on his shoulder while muttering something. Seungyoun whispers, "What's wrong?" But then Wooseok is just changing a position and falling asleep again. The granny looks at Wooseok and smiles lovingly as if she's looking at her grandson. She then tells Seungyoun, “If you love him now, then never be the one to leave first.”

Seungyoun’s heart suddenly skips a beat upon hearing her words. He takes a deep breath, and nods firmly.


	22. Chapter 22

Wooseok slept for a long time. When he wakes up again, the granny has already got off, and the train is almost empty. He rubs his eyes and asks Seungyoun, “Did you talk to someone just now? Or maybe you were just talking in my dream.”

“Yea, I was talking to a granny. She was really nice.” Seungyoun answers and naturally holds Wooseok’s hand.

“What did you talk about?”

“Many things… She had a Japanese boyfriend when she was young. And she told me to never be the first one to give up in love…” Seungyoun says while squeezes Wooseok’s hand tighter.

“Sure,” Wooseok smiles.

It takes quite some time to travel from London to the southwest point of England. They had to transfer trains at several stations, and when they finally arrived at the B&B in a small town, it was already dark outside.

“I’m a little regret now,” Wooseok pouts. He didn’t know the transportation would be this complicated. Now he feels really tired.

Seungyoun definitely knows why Wooseok chose Cornwall as their destination—because he knows that Seungyoun loves the sea. As he can already smell the salty breeze coming from the seashore not so far away, he smiles and pats Wooseok’s shoulder. It’s like a silent “thanks,” or maybe an “I love you.” He then goes ahead and presses the doorbell on the wall. 

Living in a B&B, or Bed & Breakfast, is a popular and local way for people traveling to England. The host will usually live in the same place, and prepare a traditional English breakfast for the guests in the morning. Seungyoun and Wooseok were both curious about such a cultural experience so they didn’t mind living in a B&B (rather than a hotel). After all, they are not “celebrities” anymore when they come to England, and they just want to relax as much as they can.

A few seconds later, the door is opened. A robust English man, probably in his 30s, greets them with a big and friendly smile on his face. He introduces himself as Eric and then invites the two to come in. The two-story brick house looks quite aged from outside but is decorated in a modern and minimalist style inside.

Eric leads the two to the second floor and shows them their room. It is then that Seungyoun feels a little strange. It appears that Wooseok’s friend booked them a room with one king-size bed, and the host apparently took it as they were a couple. Well, even though they are, would the host now feel awkward knowing that they are two guys? However, Eric immediately senses what Seungyoun is thinking, so he asks, “Do you want two rooms? I actually have another empty room on this floor. Sorry I thought you guys were a couple…”

Ok, so Eric doesn’t mind at all. Moreover, Wooseok, who understands what Eric was saying, suddenly grabs Seungyoun’s hand and replies, “It’s fine. We will be living in the same room.”

Seungyoun is a little surprised but then he nods, “Well, yea, we are together.”

Eric is a nice guy who hasn’t stopped smiling since the two Korean guests came in. And now, his entire face is even more delighted than just now, as he says to Wooseok, “It’s ok. I and my partner live here together. We are the same relationship as you guys. Oh wait, have you guys married yet?”

Wooseok hears the word “married” and immediately looks at Seungyoun. The taller shrugs and answers with a timid smile, “No, we are not married.”

“I see. Anyway, you must be tired. I’m not going to disturb you further. There is a small refrigerator in the room with some snacks and fruits. I’ll introduce my husband Rob to you tomorrow morning. He’s not feeling well today.” Then, Eric leaves the room to the two guests.

As the door closes, Seungyoun lets out a sigh, “Well, that was quite a surprise. But I guess it’s normal in England, huh?” He then walks to the window and opens the blinds. It’s a small town, after all, so after sunset, there isn’t much lighting outside. But somehow, he can feel the ocean waves already.

Meanwhile, Wooseok stands by the door for a long time. He gazes at Seungyoun’s back and suddenly develops a thought, “Has Seungyoun ever thought about marriage?”

“What’s wrong? How about you take a shower first?” Noticing the silence from Wooseok, Seungyoun turns around and says.

“Seungyoun, are we…” Wooseok speaks, but then stops halfway.

Seungyoun tilts his head, indicating him to finish his words.

“Are we… going to get married one day? Just like them?”

This question is definitely too sudden for Seungyoun. To be honest, he has never thought about it—getting married, with Wooseok.

But Wooseok had this thought, although he never mentioned it until now.

“We are living together now, just like them, aren’t we?” Seungyoun is beating around the bushes since he hasn't come up with a perfect answer.

“But that’s not the same as a ‘married couple,’ we are just… living together,” Wooseok lowers his voice.

“Is it necessary to get married though? Isn't it just to go through formality.” Seungyoun tries to be as amiable as he can when saying this. He doesn’t want to make Wooseok unhappy, but at the same time, he really doesn’t think marriage is something mandatory in life.

“You’ve never thought about it, right?” Wooseok is visibly upset. He pouts and continues, “I know, it’s just me, stupid me, to think about marrying you one day.” He then opens his suitcase, gets his pajamas, and stomps into the bathroom.

Seungyoun is stunned. The conversation they just had still felt foreign to him. Indeed, he has never thought about marriage, and he had no idea that Wooseok would take it so seriously. Perhaps his answer and attitude offended him already. But based on his understanding of Wooseok, it was just his “princess syndrome,” he should be fine soon.

Seungyoun then walks around the big but simply decorated room. Mostly wooden furniture, a king-size bed, a table with a fruit basket on it, and then an antique cabinet by the wall. Inside the cabinet, there are many empty glasses and wine bottles, which must be collected by the hosts. Seungyoun gets interested and observes them one by one. Suddenly, he sees a polaroid by a bottle. He can immediately tell one person in the photo was Eric. He was standing by a hospital bed and being kissed by a patient in bed. Both of them were smiling happily even though it's apparent that one was really sick. And then there is a caption under the photo, reading, “My Love.”

That must be “Rob” then, his “husband”? Seungyoun wonders. So perhaps they have gone through a difficult time and finally got married? It must be a beautiful love story. Seungyoun starts to imagine what the story would be. And this suddenly makes him realize that this is perhaps the meaning of travel—seeing different people, hearing different stories, and then maybe, providing him with some new inspirations.

Wooseok finishes shower and walks out of the bathroom. He does look much happier and relaxed, probably no longer affected by their conversation about marriage just now. In fact, he is even wearing a kitty hairband and having a face mask on.

“My kitty is the cutest,” Seungyoun immediately praises him.

“Of course. Where can you find another boyfriend as cute as me?” Wooseok follows. He loves to be praised by Seungyoun, even if it’s more like flatter.

That night, Seungyoun had a good sleep. Unlike Wooseok, he hadn’t slept at all during the day, so no wonder he fell asleep right after hitting the pillow.

However, Wooseok was unsurprisingly awake most of the night. But because of that, he got to see Seungyoun sleep so peaceful and soundly. This made him feel incredibly happy and fulfilled—having his loved one sleep beside him who was even snoring. It has been so hard for Seungyoun to sleep like this, Wooseok couldn’t help but trace his love’s face, hearing him breathing in and out. At one point, he also thought that maybe it didn’t matter if they got married or not. It’s true that marriage is just a showcase, maybe it’s enough that they are now living together, and loving each other.

Nevertheless, this idea didn’t stay long for a person as persistent as Wooseok, because he actually has a dream of getting married since he was very young. When he grew up and realized his sexuality, this dream slowly died down in disappointment. Until he met Seungyoun, the dream of "marriage" revived, as Seungyoun is the first boyfriend that makes him want to get married and spend the rest of his life with. He thought about telling Seungyoun about it, but was afraid to scare him away, so he kept this secret to himself.

Wooseok sighed a lot that night. He knew he probably had to do a lot of prep work before reaching his goal in the end. 

The next morning, both Seungyoun and Wooseok were woken up by the nice aroma of coffee and breakfast from downstairs. They walk down and see Eric is setting up the table. At the same time, another man is working in the kitchen.

“Good morning my friends!” Eric greets them with that big smile again. And then he turns around and yells at the kitchen, “Rob, come on, our guests are here!”

The man named “Rob” then walks out of the kitchen. Rob is a tall and thin guy with brown and curly hair. He is also wearing a black frame, making him more like an “academic.” But to Seungyoun’s surprise, this is not the same man that he saw in the polaroid last night, with the caption “My Love” from Rob.

Although Seungyoun is quite curious, he wouldn’t ask. So the four of them sit down and start their first morning together.

Toasts, fried eggs, bacon, baked tomatoes, beans… the traditional English breakfast that they saw from the movies is now in front of them. Since Eric is very friendly and talkative, the table is filled with lively conversations and laughter. However, Rob is quieter. He doesn’t talk much until being cued by Eric.

“Rob has been sick for the past two days so he’s quiet today. But don’t worry, he’s completely fine now.” Eric explains, “Also, he usually talks more, but I guess he’s a little shy today because he’s just recovered.”

“It’s ok. We are thankful that he’s here and making us such good breakfast,” Seungyoun says.

“Actually…” However, Rob slowly speaks up, “I was quiet because today is a friend’s death anniversary. I was thinking about him just now and kind of lost in thoughts. I’m sorry.”

Eric suddenly seems a little uneasy.

“It’s me and Eric’s mutual friend,” Rob continues to explain regardless of the atmosphere, “His name was Matt, and he was Eric’s ex-boyfriend.”

Oh… so this explains why Rob is not the guy in the polaroid, Seungyoun thinks to himself. However, this topic has made the table a little awkward, of course.

“We don’t have to tell them this,” Eric says to Rob. Even though he’s smiling, everyone can tell that the smile is quite unnatural.

Rob doesn’t listen but keeps telling the story: “We three were friends since we were very young. Two years ago, Matt passed away due to a rare illness. And then I and Eric became boyfriends.” Rob then grins, asking the two attentive guests, “Isn’t this like a bad plot for a romance movie?”

Seungyoun shakes his head and smiles comprehensibly. He then tells Wooseok what’s going on since Wooseok’s English is not as good. Wooseok seems more shocked. He looks at the two men crossed the table and wonders why they just told them— two “irrelevant” guests—about such private matter. But at the same time, he is curious, too, about such a complex relationship among three gay men. 

Eric eventually surrenders, apparently, he can’t stop Rob from telling their guests about their past, so he holds Rob’s shoulder and says, “But I’m grateful that you were here with me when he passed away.” He then looks at Seungyoun and Wooseok, “Matt’s illness happened so suddenly. That year, Rob even stopped college and came back to be with us. I can’t imagine living through that year without Rob by my side. And then I realized, love shouldn’t be that complicated and stressful. There will always be someone special for you at a certain period of your life.”

As Seungyoun is captivated by these words, Rob chimes in, “Yes, so we got married.”

Wooseok looks up, he is sensitive to the word “marriage.”

“We got married soon after Matt passed away because, we wanted to capture the best time when the best person is still by our side.” Rob continues and pours more coffee into Eric’s cup.

And then, both Seungyoun and Wooseok seem to be enthralled in their own thoughts...


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🔞🔞🔞🔞🔞🔞  
> R18 Warning in this chapter
> 
> I don't know why this fic has way more 🔞scenes than my previous one...  
> Ahhh..... I'm tired....

After the breakfast, Seungyoun and Wooseok head to the place called “Land’s End.”

When they get off the bus, the first thing they see is a sea of the green wheat fields. After that, it is the boundless ocean. There are no islands, no ships, just the indigo water reflecting the color of the sky.

And then there are the cliffs. It’s the “land’s end,” after all. Although Jeju Island also has this kind of cliffs, it’s no longer as natural and untainted as it is here. Plus it is not a high travel season, there aren’t many travelers on site, either. So what they see is a purely natural world with only the sound of waves, seagulls, and the breezes.

After walking past the wheat fields, Seungyoun stretches his stiff body while facing the sea. He smells the salty ocean air and immerses himself in the grandeur view and atmosphere. All his worries and concerns suddenly disappear.

Out of curiosity, he walks towards the edge of the cliff, and the wind immediately feels stronger, making his already messy hair more outrageous.

Suddenly, he feels that Wooseok has grabbed his wrist from behind.

“Don’t go any further,” Wooseok says.

Seungyoun looks back and finds Wooseok's face all pale and nervous. However, he can’t help but smiles, asking, “Are you afraid of height? Take it easy. I won’t fall. Come on, we can see the reef from here.” He then even walks a few more steps towards the edge.

Wooseok shakes his head, clearly having no intention to joke around.

“Are you really scared?” Seungyoun asks again. He can feel Wooseok’s strength on his wrist, and that he is really trying to pull him back.

Of course, Wooseok will not let go of Seungyoun’s hand. He looks nervous because what he just saw reminded him of the dream he had before, the dream in which Seungyoun jumped off the cliff in front of him, leaving him kneeling on the muddy ground, crying in despair. In fact, since they got off the bus, Wooseok had been extra cautious to observe Seungyoun because he seemed way too excited: leaving him behind, running past the tall wheat field, and basically, getting farther and farther away from him. Wooseok was worried and scared because everything looked just like what was once in his dream.

But for some reason, Seungyoun suddenly decides to pull harder, dragging Wooseok his way.

Wooseok is shocked. He doesn’t understand why Seungyoun is doing this. Did he really want to jump? Or is he being naughty? Wooseok doesn't know. And in this way, they have reached a power balance. They look into each other’s eyes, and no one seems to be wanting to withdraw.

“Seungyoun, don’t scare me, please,” Wooseok almost begs.

But Seungyoun just grins with his lips sharply closed. He pulls even harder, overpowering Wooseok’s strength and slowly leading him to the “land’s end.” Wooseok’s feet slide on the grass, but what he’s looking at is Seungyoun’s expression. He realizes that he really doesn’t like to see him “smiling” like this. It’s painful, it’s hopeless, as if life means nothing to him.

“Don’t let go of me,” Wooseok begs again, the tone is so sad that it feels like they are in a tragic movie. 

Seungyoun is apparently surprised by Wooseok's reaction, so he says, “Sure. If I let go of you now, I’ll fall.” However, he abruptly falls back towards the cliff edge, trusting all his weight on Wooseok’s pulling. Wooseok intuitively uses both hands to drag him harder, but he feels like Seungyoun actually wants to go, to pull his hand out of the grip, to jump off the cliff...

_What the hell? What the hell is this?_

Wooseok cries. It's like they are the last people on this earth, and he is desperately trying to save his lost lover.

Wooseok has to look aside because he doesn’t want Seungyoun to see him cry. And it is at this very moment that he suddenly feels a little loose, in fact, he doesn’t even know if he is still holding onto Seungyoun…

“Seungyoun—” He finally shouts, with all his strength, his fear, his anger, his insecurity, just like in his nightmare.

And their world turns up-side-down.

Next, Wooseok realizes that he is lying on the grass, with Seungyoun hovering above him. Before he can even fathom what has happened in the past few seconds, Seungyoun leans down and whispers to his ear, “I was joking.”

Wooseok blinks his eyes in confusion. He can’t see clearly because of the tears, but at least he knows they are both on the ground, Seungyoun is above his trembled body, blocking the sunlight, becoming the “only light” in his life.

_Damn my crazy boyfriend!_

Wooseok collects his thoughts and turns his head aside. He doesn’t want to talk to Seungyoun, who just made the worst prank to him.

But Seungyoun, unbothered by Wooseok's reaction, decides to lean closer to him and kisses him on the lips, naughtily and apologetically.

Wooseok resists. This is not what he wants now. He tries to break away from the kiss; he even wants to clap Seungyoun on the face. However, Seungyoun’s kiss just gets deeper and more fervent. He is almost biting Wooseok, making the latter feel a little painful. Wooseok closes his eyes and feels his chin is being fixed by a powerful hand, not letting him move.

Finally, he surrenders. He starts to really feel this kiss which has too many emotions in it. From fear to understanding, from fright to acceptance. It tastes salty just like the breeze. It is so passionate yet somehow emotionally detached. Seungyoun’s tongue is swirling inside his mouth, and he can’t resist the temptation to reciprocate with his own. He tries to hug Seungyoun on the back, patting him, or maybe, comforting himself. 

And when they finally decide to part, their bloody red lips are connected by a string of silver line, reminding them of how desperate they want each other.

Wooseok’s head turns blank. He totally forgets what he was mad about before this kiss.

Meanwhile, Seungyoun uses his finger to trace Wooseok’s jawline, murmuring, “Sorry, babe. Did I really scare you? I’m sorry.” He then drops another kiss on the smaller man’s nose.

Now Wooseok is brought back to reality. His watery eyes gaze at Seungyoun’s crescent smile, and then he shouts to his face, “Cho Seungyoun! You bastard!”

Seungyoun is still smiling, taking in all the anger from Wooseok. That was a bad prank, for sure. But he doesn’t know why it also made him very happy, maybe because he saw Wooseok being so serious and worried about his life. He waits for a few seconds until Wooseok can breathe normally, and continues, “You really thought I’d want to jump?”

Wooseok answers, “Because I know what would be like if you fall…”

“Idiot,” Seungyoun kisses Wooseok lovingly. Wooseok looks so cute when he's angry.

“YOU IDIOT!” Wooseok counterattacks, “I did! I did think that you wanted to jump.” He then pauses, biting his lower lip and stops talking. 

“Why?” Seungyoun asks. Compared to Wooseok’s rage, he still seems quite relaxed and amused.

“Nothing. I hate you! I hate you so much!” Wooseok doesn’t want to tell him about his nightmares. There is just no need to do that now, so instead he hits Seungyoun's chest from below. 

“Let me guess… Did you have a dream that I jumped off a cliff or something? I died in your dream, and I died many times, am I right?” Seungyoun, nonetheless, reveals his secrets in the most blatant way.

Hearing the word “die,” Wooseok’s heart squeezes in pain. He doesn’t answer right away, but after a few seconds, he surrounds his arms around Seungyoun’s neck and kisses him softly, “It was me, I made you die for many, many times…”

Seungyoun bursts out laughing: “It’s ok. Haven’t you heard that dreams are usually the opposite of reality? I’ll take it as you love me to death then.” He then taps Wooseok’s nose and continues, “Didn’t I tell you that ‘I won’t be the one to leave first?’ Oh well, it was the granny on the train who said it first though.”

“I—” Wooseok is trying to explain something but he stops halfway. Why? It was Seungyoun who scared and teased him first, and now it feels like it is his fault? It seems like he’s the one who’s not strong enough, trusting Seungyoun enough? However, he can’t really be mad at Seungyoun, because indeed, they just promised each other to not be the first one to let go of the other… Ah, Wooseok’s head is so chaotic.

Meanwhile, Seungyoun changes position and lies beside Wooseok on the grass. Now they can both look at the blue sky. It is so clear and grandeur that suddenly, both of them forget to speak another word.

They listen to nature’s symphony at the end of the world, it feels like they are the only humans left on earth.

“Sorry, babe. I’m apologizing to you again,” Seungyoun intertwines his fingers with Wooseok’s.

Wooseok pretends to be deaf.

“Let' see it this way, I scared you once, so now you can trust me more, right?” Seungyoun “argues.”

Wooseok still doesn’t want to respond, but the way Seungyoun is acting all cute and clingy flatters him. A suppressed smile rises on his face, and is soon captured by Seungyoun.

“You smiled,” Seungyoun teases.

“No,” Wooseok immediately returns to his poker face.

Seungyoun then sits up a little bit, leaning closer to Wooseok, “Thank you, love, for taking me to such a beautiful place. It’s for me, right?”

“Don’t overthink!” Wooseok quibbles. But he also looks up to the sky, gazes at the cotton-like clouds, and mutters, “Hey, right now, are we the ‘best person’ for each other at the ‘best time’?”

Seungyoun knows he’s referring to Rob and Eric’s words from this morning. However, he doesn’t know how to answer.

“Maybe…?” he says. 

Wooseok can definitely sense the hesitation in Seungyoun’s words. He’s honestly disappointed, but not really surprised. He decides to not adding pressure to Seungyoun, and letting him do whatever he feels comfortable. Marriage is not easy, not to mention that they are both men, and he is even a public figure.

But as if trying to reassure Wooseok, Seungyoun suddenly adds, “I’m not sure if this is the ‘best time,’ but you are definitely the ‘best person’ in my life now.” Seungyoun's eyes then lowered and he continues, “But there are still many things that I have to figure out. Things about my mind, my life, myself… none of them are in the best shape right now…”

Wooseok closes his eyes. Who doesn’t feel the same way? Seungyoun is a producer, and he is a singer. Both of them are still working, creating, and are constantly unsatisfied with themselves. Also, they are both suffering from a sickness called “love” and another sickness called “self-actualization.” As a result, the depression, agony, happiness, and disappointments come back and forth, making them confused, devastated, and slowly drowning into a swamp…

_There will be a better time…_

_There must be a better time…_

“Cho Seungyoun.”

Wooseok suddenly calls his full name. And whenever that happens, Seungyoun would always feel nervous for a second.

“Wh… What?” So he answers anxiously.

“I love you.” Wooseok says quickly and nonchalantly.

“Hm?” Seungyoun is surprised because that "I love you" just came too sudden.

“Nothing.” Wooseok quickly turns his body sideways to avoid Seungyoun’s gaze, and then plays with the grass and flowers on the ground. 

“I—know—” Seungyoun smiles and pretends to turn his body casually, too. He hugs Wooseok from the back and sniffs the fragrance of grass on his nape.

“I promise you, we will get married one day, ok? My princess?”

_Princess?_

It is the first time that Seungyoun calls Wooseok this, and Wooseok is surprised, but somehow, content. 

*** 

The wind is getting stronger. Whenever it blows the clouds to block the sun, the entire ocean becomes dark. But soon enough, the world will return to brightness.

“Do you think we’ll get sunburnt?” Wooseok lets Seungyoun hug him from the back while he’s still playing with the grass.

“I don’t mind. Or if you do, we can go home.”

“Let’s take a walk then.” Wooseok quickly stands up and pats the grass off of his clothes.

Seungyoun lazily gets up, too. He looks around and sees a small hill not too far away, and there seem to be some big stones or sculptures on the hill.

“Then let’s go to that hill. This time I’ll hold your hand.” Seungyoun gives his hand to Wooseok, and the latter quickly takes it.

As they climb halfway of the hill, they look back and realize that the views of the ocean and the cliffs are much better from here. Also, they find a sign that says the big stones at the top of this hill is actually the relics of a small chapel built in the 3rd century. But now, it is impossible to tell what it was, of course.

Seungyoun gets a camera out of his pocket and takes several photos. Wooseok sees it and says, “We forgot to take some photos down there just now.” And then he then realizes that the two of them have no photos together, at all.

“Let me take a photo of you,” Seungyoun holds his camera and looks at Wooseok from the viewfinder. However, Wooseok covers his face and says, “I mean, I want to take a photo with you. Let’s do it, shall we?"

The idea somewhat feels foreign for Seungyoun, too. But he immediately nods, “Sure.” He then uses one arm to hold Wooseok’s small shoulder, and the other arm stretches out to press the shutter.

And the next thing Wooseok knows, Seungyoun has already taken a selfie.

“Hey, you didn’t even say 1, 2, 3?!” Wooseok complains, “That’s unfair! Let’s take another one!”

“Ok, ok. I'm listening to you.” Seungyoun is being an extra patient boyfriend now. He holds the camera up again and says, “Ok, 1, 2, 3—”

Wooseok poses a V sign, and shows his most professional “idol smile.”

But this time, Seungyoun suddenly kisses Wooseok’s cheek when he presses the shutter.

Wooseok unthinkingly shies away, but the photo is already taken.

“Yah! Cho Seungyoun! Don’t scare me like this, ok???” Wooseok shouts, but honestly, he doesn’t know if he’s really angry or happy.

“You don’t like it?” Seungyoun laughs and rubs Wooseok’s hair. The couple kind of “fight” for a while, and in the end, their entanglement turns into a very, very sweet and long hug.

They separate when they hear an old man coughing. It’s actually an old couple walking downhill and passing them by.

Seungyoun and Wooseok smile at the elders and leave some space for them to pass. When the old man passes Seungyoun, he winks and says, “He’s cute.”

“I know,” Seungyoun smiles back.

“It’s probably going to rain later, be careful.” The wife of the man adds.

“Really? But the weather looks so good,” Seungyoun can’t believe the weather forecast.

“Well, British weather, you never know.” The old man winks again and waves goodbye to them.

Seungyoun and Wooseok then keep walking uphill. The hill didn’t seem that high just now when they were at the cliff edge, but now they have already spent half an hour but are still halfway.

“People here are so friendly,” Wooseok looks back at the two elders and says. He then looks up and wonders, “Is it really going to rain? It’s almost noon and I think I’m gonna get sunburnt.”

“Who knows? Let's get to the top and if it rains, we’ll just hide under that big stone,” Seungyoun points to the top. 

20 minutes later, when they just reached the chapel ruins, the sound of thunder really comes from not so far away. They exchange a look and run inside into ruins. There is only a very small corner with some roof to help prevent the rain. So as the rain finally falls down, their clothes immediately get wet.

“It should just be a shower. Let’s wait here for a while.” Seungyoun sighs. But then he notices that Wooseok is trembling.

They left the B&B in the morning when it was already quite warm. So Wooseok didn’t wear much. Surprisingly, Seungyoun, who usually wears little even during cold weather, has an oversized and waterproof jacket on today. So he immediately opens his jacket and hugs Wooseok from the back.

Wooseok stays still. He feels Seungyoun's warmth is slowly being transferred to his body. The wind still brings raindrops on their clothes, and then Seungyoun will hug him even tighter as if trying to pin him on his chest.

This doesn’t feel bad, Wooseok thinks. After a while, he tries to move a little bit inside Seungyoun’s embrace, but accidentally, he felt something, something hard from his back.

What else could it be? They are standing so close, almost attached to each other, in a place where there are no people. They have probably thought about the similar thing, the thing that could make them hard. 

Wooseok is a little nervous about it though. His heart is pondering fast after he realizes that Seungyoun is hard behind him. However, the naughty side of him can’t help but begin to fathom certain possibilities. This is outside… but… it excites him by imagining making out outside. He blushes and feels ashamed, but also thrilled. 

“Babe, your heart is beating like crazy, you know?” Seungyoun’s voice suddenly sounds near his ear.

“No, I’m not…” Wooseok tries to explain something.

“I’m holding you this tight, do you think I can’t feel it?” Seungyoun deliberately lowers his voice, making it sound so sexy and appealing. 

“You’re so crazy,” Wooseok can’t explain more. Instead, he puts his hand on Seungyoun’s bulge behind him. He tries to suppress all the crazy thoughts in mind and says, “Let’s… let’s go home then.”

“No, I don’t want to walk home while being this hard,” Seungyoun’s voice still sounds like teasing. Without Wooseok even answer, Seungyoun turns him around, making the smaller face himself. Then, he grabs Wooseok's hand, letting him touch his already furious cock. No more explanation needed. 

It takes Wooseok several seconds to finally realize what is going on. And then, some raindrops fall inside his clothes, it is so cold that he immediately hugs Seungyoun. However, at this point, this hug is more like action of “consent.” He realizes that there is no way back now.

“Ok… what, what do you want?” Wooseok asks Seungyoun nervously. Of course, he has never done such thing outside. He can be quite shameless in bed, but not here.

“If you don’t feel comfortable, just help me unload?” Seungyoun says in a soft voice, but the request is definitely not soft.

Wooseok thinks for a second and nods…

So he kneels down, slowly unzip Seungyoun’s pants. And the shaft almost can’t wait to be exposed, as it immediately bounces out in front of his very eyes. It looks energetic, robust, and waiting to be served.

And too bad, Wooseok would completely lose himself whenever he sees this. If this is not one of his favorite things about Seungyoun, then he doesn’t know what else is. So without hesitation, he goes ahead and devours it.

“Now look at me,” Seungyoun demands from above. Wooseok obediently looks up to meet that dominant gaze. He tries to keep his eye wide open because he knows he’s beautiful that way, and Seungyoun loves his big, dolly eyes.

Indeed, the scene for Seungyoun is already sublime. Wooseok has his cock fully in the mouth, looking at him with that feverishly blushing face. His eyes are watery as usual, and in the rain, they look even more moist and alluring. Seungyoun doesn’t even have a word to describe Wooseok’s beauty right now, he just rubs Wooseok’s hair and pleasingly says, “Babe, my princess, you may continue.”

Wooseok likes to be given commands. Seungyoun doesn’t do this often, yet whenever he does, it’s such a turn on for him. Wooseok nods like a puppy who sees his favorite master, and then he slowly swirls his tongue and starts licking that manhood.

Is it because they are outside? Wooseok feels Seungyoun’s cock tastes like fresh grass and sea breeze today. He closes his eyes to fully enjoy the feeling in his mouth, and then he accelerates, giving that cock a nice lick. His back is really wet now due to the raindrops, but it doesn’t matter, because Seungyoun’s cock always satisfies him more. Having it inside his mouth makes him feel valued and useful. He savors the furious veins on that uneven surface, licks the head when pulling out, and then he would fully devour it again, until choking himself. He’s good at fellatio and he knows it, because Seungyoun’s hands on his head are pressing him harder and harder.

Wooseok’s heart flatters. He hears Seungyoun’s moans coming from above. Even intertwined with the rain and thunder, he still hears them. He smiles and decides to go even deeper, and this time, he finally gags; he lets out uncomfortable sound but it doesn’t bother him at all. He seizes Seungyoun’s legs while moving his head in and out; and Seungyoun’s moaning becomes more and more aloof and powerless. When the standing man callously pulls his hair, the coldness of his fingers excites Wooseok's brain even more.

“Ah… Ngh… You are so good, babe…” Seungyoun has to lean against the cold stone wall to keep his balance. Meanwhile, he knows his lower body has already become Wooseok’s toy. Wooseok eagerly needs it, he plays with it with full affection, and Seungyoun knows nothing except that he will surely unload inside Wooseok’s mouth today. He wants to do it right here, today.

At one point, Seungyoun stops Wooseok by pushing his face away. And then he completely takes his pants off. Wooseok looks at him with that doe eyes from below, anticipating and waiting for his next command. Seungyoun quickly grabs his own cock, gives it a few more harsh strokes, and then inserts it into Wooseok’s mouth without any mercy, almost straightly hitting the deepest point.

“Err…” Wooseok feels like he’s been stabbed by a sharp sword inside his throat. It’s scary, it’s testing his limit. However, as he gags and retches, as his tears naturally fall down due to the stimulation, he feels divine.

“Ahh… so good… this is perfect…” Seungyoun keeps ramming his manhood inside Wooseok’s small mouth and lets out manly groans. Meanwhile, Wooseok can only take it. His tears fall down like the rain. He looks as if he’s being bullied, but no, he feels great, he wants Seungyoun to keep using him, to take advantage of him, to destroy him… he’s not afraid, he even wants more… _Ah, isn’t it unhealthy? Am I crazy?_ Wooseok wonders to himself while looking up at Seungyoun’s proudly lifted-up chin. _Ahh, he must be so happy, so satisfied right now…_

However, Seungyoun finds out that Wooseok is crying.

“Wait, babe, are you ok?” He stops thrusting and asks.

“I, I, I’m ok… But…I, I want more… can you… fuck me… please?” Wooseok cries out. His voice is soon covered by the intensified rain, but Seungyoun knows full well what he wants.

“I thought you didn’t want it,” Seungyoun says.

Wooseok tries to stand up. He almost falls down because he’s been kneeling for so long. Seungyoun grabs his arm and pulls him up until he can hug him again. He then says, “Are you sure?”

“Yes… I, I want you, Youn… I want you inside…” Wooseok sounds like a helpless patient begging for the last antidote in the world to cure his toxic love and desire…

Seungyoun stands behind Wooseok and easily pins him on the wall. He pulls down his pants and catches his waist to keep him from collapsing. Then, he leans forward on Wooseok’s back and whispers, “You silly baby, if you want it so bad, why didn’t you just tell me in the beginning?”

“But I, I didn’t want it at first… it’s all your fault… all your fault…” Wooseok cries. 

Seungyoun smiles in satisfaction. He doesn’t want to play with him more because he’s almost at the point of venting. Wooseok’s body is already so wet and his small hole is eagerly contracting, inviting Seungyoun to enter him quickly and maybe mercilessly.

Seungyoun does just that. He puts his cock inside that shameless hole, smoothly and easily, and then he starts thrusting. Wooseok just lets out a short hiss in the beginning, but then stays quiet. 

“Seok… babe, call me, call my name…” Seungyoun hums.

“Ah… Ah… Seung… Seungyoun…” Wooseok buries his face inside his arms on the wall, trying his best to say his lover’s name.

“Ah… babe, I love you… I love you so much… I’ll cum… I’ll cum inside you babe… ” Seungyoun hits harder and faster, he feels like his mind cannot control his body anymore. He and Wooseok are so in sync, so harmonious, and that, makes him insane.

As Seungyoun finally cum inside that small body, he immediately collapses on Wooseok's fragile back. The two of them lean on the stone wall together, gasping for air.

Some of the cum drips from Wooseok’s hole, being washed away by the rain. Wooseok can feel the fluids entering and leaving his body. He feels embarrassed, but also satisfied.

“Sorry babe, didn’t mean to cum that much inside,” Seungyoun mutters into Wooseok’s ear.

“It’s ok… Actually, it’s kinda wasteful… you know…” the audacious version of Wooseok comes back again as he mischievously smiles and feels the dripping coming from his now sloppy hole. 

Seungyoun smirks and presses a hard kiss on Wooseok’s nape. He then cuddles on Wooseok’s shoulder, whining like a kid, “You know, everything of mine is yours. Nothing is wasted.”

_Idiot, me too. All of me is yours._

Wooseok thinks to himself.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops someone is back. 👀

The ten-day trip in Cornwall passes by very fast. Seungyoun and Wooseok usually spend the day walking around the small towns nearby or go to the beach. In the evening, they come back to Eric and Rob’s comfy host house. During the entire vacation, Wooseok didn’t check social media. For one thing, he’s not really media-savvy, for another, he really just wanted to cuddle with Seungyoun and nothing else. Seungyoun would still check his email at night, but nothing important came through. After all, his company is just a small music label. Sometimes he even wonder if it will go bankrupt very soon. But he’s not super concerned about it since he has enough royalties to keep himself living a decent life for a while.

The day before they leave for Korea, Rob and Eric hold a farewell dinner. While eating, Eric asks, “I didn’t even ask what you guys do in Korea? Is it ok to share?”

“I make music,” Seungyoun answers, “but I haven’t made anything for a while,” He smiles bitterly.

“You can say I’m an entertainer, or idol… that’s how they call me in my country.” Wooseok then says.

“Wow! That means you guys are both celebrities?! I didn’t even know I have hosted two famous people for the past ten days!” Eric seems very excited, “So can I find your songs online? Oh, and you guys must give me your signs before you leave!”

Wooseok blushes and feels uneasy. He may be a household name in Korea, but definitely not overseas. He is not frustrated about it per se, it’s just that he is suddenly reminded of how small and powerless he is. And if he didn’t choose to be an idol ten years ago, maybe he wouldn’t even leave any trace in this world? So maybe he does care? Care about being an influential person, being someone that is well-loved by others?

“Yea, you should be able to find my songs online. My latest album was produced by him actually.” Wooseok clears his thoughts and continues. He then holds Seungyoun’s arm and tells the hosts about how great his boyfriend's music is.

“Wow, I’m so jealous. You are a lovely couple, and you make music together. You guys must be a power couple in Korea, right?”

“No way!” Seungyoun exclaims, “Of course we are dating secretly. It’s not that acceptable to be gays in Korea, not to mention that he is super famous. If people find out about us, it will be the death of us.”

Rob is suddenly enlightened, “Oh that’s true. I almost forgot not every country is open about gay couples... Then it must be very hard for you…”

Wooseok keeps being silent. His hand drops from Seungyoun’s arm. But Seungyoun immediately grabs that hand and intertwines his fingers with Wooseok's. He then says, “It’s ok. We don’t need validation from others.”

“But it _is_ hard,” Wooseok murmurs.

Eric, Rob, and Seungyoun all drank a lot that night. But Wooseok didn’t seem very excited.

When they get back to their bedroom, Seungyoun is being extra clingy.

“Why are you not happy, my princess?” Seungyoun hugs Wooseok from the back once their room door is closed. No one knows why Seungyoun starts to call Wooseok this since the beginning of this trip.

But Wooseok seems unbothered, he just answers indifferently, “Nothing. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to leave yet…”

“Why? I’ll be with you wherever you go…” Seungyoun is indeed tipsy. He’s saying random things and walking around while hugging Wooseok and sniffing his neck.

Wooseok is sober. He thinks about the past ten days and has a lot of feelings. It’s like a dream. He could be with Seungyoun 24/7 without being bothered by the media. He could hold Seungyoun’s hand or even kiss him on the street. No one here knows them, and they could do whatever they want. Moreover, Wooseok is happy that Seungyoun’s condition is very good during this trip. He doesn’t seem depressed and spoils him with affection and patience. They are soaked in their love for each other, which almost makes Wooseok scared if it has reached the climax, and maybe it will suddenly drop?

He then shakes his head: it’s not a good time to be overthinking. Once they return to Korea, things will get busy and hectic again, so he should really just enjoy the last night here.

“Let’s sleep, Youn.” Wooseok turns his head sideways and kisses Seungyoun, then he breaks this hug.

Seungyoun is a little disappointed that Wooseok is not being clingy to him tonight. But since he feels tired, he doesn’t say more and goes into the bathroom. Meanwhile, Wooseok sits on the bed and takes his daily antidepressants. When he finishes, he sees Seungyoun’s meds beside his, and suddenly finds out that he is now taking a huge dose of 375mg! He remembers when he first found out Seungyoun was taking antidepressants, they were only 50mg, but now… 375??

Wooseok stares at that number on the bottle for a long time: no wonder Seungyoun is doing well recently.

His tears suddenly fall down uncontrollably. 

Wooseok holds a pillow and buries his face in it. But for some reason the more he tries to hide, the more he wants to cry. When he thinks about how much Seungyoun has been suffering and suppressing his feelings, how much his life has been dominated by these drugs, he can’t help but feel helpless, and heartbroken.

Seungyoun took a quick shower, and when he comes back and sees Wooseok holding a pillow and curling in bed like a kitten, he immediately knows that he is crying.

“My baby, what’s wrong?” Seungyoun jumps onto the bed and hugs his kitten, asking gently.

Wooseok doesn’t respond. He just shakes his head fiercely and won’t let Seungyoun see his face.

“Why are you crying? You really don’t want to leave tomorrow?” Seungyoun holds him tighter and talks to him as if he is a kid.

“Did I, did I force you? Do you feel being pushed too much by me?” Wooseok speaks. He raises his face from the pillow and looks at Seungyoun with his red and teary eyes.

“No, not at all! Why are you asking this?” Seungyoun is surprised. He caresses Wooseok’s chin, looking concerned.

And Wooseok, who can smell the rosy shampoo from Seungyoun, finally leans against that strong chest. He sniffs and cries, “Why do you take so much medicine now? That's way more than I do…”

Seungyoun smiles, “Do you want to win me over the amount of medicine? I’m afraid you can’t win then.” He realizes that Wooseok must have seen his meds and got worried, so he is being jokey.

“No, I don’t want to win. I just, I just feel that…” Wooseok pauses. Feel what? He doesn’t know. Maybe he’s afraid that Seungyoun under the influence of large amount of antidepressants is not the “real” one? Maybe he’s afraid that Seungyoun will be taking antidepressants forever? Exactly how depressed is Seungyoun anyways? Is he hiding something still? Is he going to spoil him like he has been recently when they return to Korea?

Wooseok is surprised that he can be this insecure all of a sudden. He wants to be happy because Seungyoun’s condition is being maintained well by the medicine, but at the same time, he’s worried…

“It’s still within normal dose. Don’t worry, babe.” Seungyoun pats Wooseok’s head softly and comforts him, “See, we are both taking medicine and it makes us happy. That’s the point. That’s enough.”

Wooseok nods, and then he leaves the bed and walks into the bathroom. He needs some time for himself. 

Seungyoun sees his back until he closes the bathroom door. He then looks down at the pillow with tears on it, sighing:

_My “princess” is still depressed._

The next morning, they get up super early and take the train back to London. Their flight is at night, so they directly transfer to Heathrow Airport. And then, there is a long flight waiting ahead. 

When they finally pass the customs and sit in the VIP waiting room, Wooseok receives the first text message from his manager since he left Korea. It is a work schedule for the coming week. Ah, so annoying… this is a sign that they are really heading back to reality. Wooseok stretches his arms and yawns. But before he puts his arms down, he suddenly sees a familiar frame walking towards the VIP room—

It's Lee Jinhyuk!

What? Why? Why is he here? Wooseok rubs his eyes. His heart also starts to race, even though there shouldn’t be any reason to feel nervous.

But still, he cautiously watches Jinhyuk and his staff walking into the VIP room. Soon, their eyes meet, and _bam_ , it’s like two planets have clashed.

Meanwhile, Seungyoun has been looking at his phone the entire time so he has no idea that Jinhyuk is entering the room, nor does he know Wooseok has already gone through a series of hectic thoughts. But when he hears some discussions in the room, he looks up and then sees Jinhyuk.

“What a coincidence! How come you guys are here in London?” Jinhyuk is the first one to “greet” them.

It’s been a month since they last talked, and Wooseok is astonished that Jinhyuk can still act as if nothing has happened between them. Maybe he _is_ a good actor now, he thinks to himself.

“Just travel. How about you?” While Wooseok is still drafting his response in mind, Seungyoun suddenly chimes in and answers Jinhyuk.

“I came to film my new drama. But I was here only for two days because I have another schedule tomorrow. Have you guys enjoyed yourself here?” Jinhyuk still looks fairly chill.

“We—” Seungyoun is about to reply, but is cut off by Wooseok, “We were not in London. We were traveling in the south. Anyway, Seungyoun, can we go to the duty-free shop? I want to buy something.” He then pulls Seungyoun out of the chair and drags him out of the room without even looking at Jinhyuk again.

To be honest, even though Seungyoun knew Wooseok and Jinhyuk had a conflict and decided to go on separate ways about a month ago, he wasn’t sure how serious the conflict was. But now, he feels like he gets it.

“Gosh, we are so unlucky! How come he’s here in London? And we have to take the same plane to go home?” Wooseok rants the moment they walk out of the VIP room. He seems very angry, if not furious.

“It’s ok. He is with his staff. And why are you so mad?” Seungyoun asks.

“I—” Wooseok tries to explain but realizes that he may seem like he's caring too much. So he calms down a bit and says, “Because I don’t like him. I don’t want to see his face.”

Seungyoun laughs, “You are like a baby now.”

“Can’t I?” Wooseok quibbles, “I hate him.”

“Ok, ok. I won’t ask you more. Anyway, we will sit together and we will not talk to him on the plane, ok?” Seungyoun’s voice sounds so soothing.

They arrive at the duty-free shop but are immediately taken aback by the busy crowd. It’s already evening but there are still so many Asian travelers swarming into the shop. No surprise, though. Wooseok doesn’t wear a mask to cover his face, so it would be possible to be recognized by the fellow Korean travelers. He looks at Seungyoun, and apparently, Seungyoun also thinks it’s a bad idea to go inside.

Suddenly, a small voice sounds beside them:

“Are you… Kim Wooseok? I, I am your fan… Can we... take a picture?” It’s a teenage girl.

Well, Wooseok is known for his kind fan service, so there’s no way that he would turn down this girl's request. However, he puts one finger on his lips, indicating the girl to keep it a secret. And then he takes her phone and quickly snaps a selfie.

The girl is obviously thrilled. Perhaps she doesn’t even know what just happened when Wooseok is already returning the phone to her. She bows to Wooseok, and also looks at Seungyoun with a timid gaze, and runs back into the crowd.

“Ok, guess we should go back to the waiting room then,” Wooseok shrugs.

Of course, Woosoek and Seungyoun sit together on the plane. But Jinhyuk is just one row in front of them across the aisle. It’s a seat by the window. When he finds his seat, he even looks back at Wooseok and winks at him.

Wooseok is mad by his behavior. He thought they were no longer friends, they were just strangers, but it seems that Jinhyuk has one-sidedly canceled this protocol. Actually, the same thing happened when they broke up years ago. Wooseok thought that that was the end of it, but just after a few days, Jinhyuk came to him and talked to him naturally like a normal friend. Wooseok didn’t know how to reject him, so they just went back to talk again…

But this time Wooseok tells himself that he must hold up. He shouldn’t make Jinhyuk feel that there is still a chance.

As the plane takes off, Seungyoun starts to listen to music, while Wooseok has no mood to do anything. He realizes that he is still too conscious, conscious about Jinhyuk’s existence in the same business cabin. Wooseok tries to watch a movie but doesn’t really take anything into mind. Instead, his whole body feels uneasy, and the fact that he can always see Jinhyuk’s seat makes him more uncomfortable.

Jinhyuk can’t stay still on the plane. He sometimes stands up to find something in his luggage, sometimes calls the flight attendant to order some drinks. Whenever he moves, he would look back and see Wooseok. Of course, if Wooseok isn’t that aware of him, he wouldn’t know this either. So whenever their eyes awkwardly meet, Jinhyuk is quite happy. He knows that his existence still makes Wooseok feel things. And that’s good.

And Wooseok can tell exactly what Jinhyuk is thinking simply by looking at that annoying face. This makes him even more furious. He would then look at Seungyoun every now and then, but Seungyoun is always quite immersed in the music or the movie on the screen. If he senses Wooseok’s gaze, he would smile and ask him “what’s wrong,” and then Wooseok would just say “nothing” and sits back.

It’s such a pain to fly ten hours.

After a while, Wooseok decides to sleep. He takes a sleeping pill and puts on his eye mask, curling his small body in that big, leather chair. However, it’s not easy to sleep either because he can constantly hear people’s footsteps walking by. At one point, he knows that Seungyoun has left the seat. Maybe he goes to the bathroom? He would thus get up and see if Seungyoun is still beside him. Sometimes Wooseok feels that his reliance on Seungyoun is almost unhealthy. But he also knows that he can’t afford to lose Seungyoun.

When Seungyoun comes back again, Wooseok finally feels sleepy and falls back into the chair. This time, he soon had a dream. He dreamt about visiting his parents in his hometown. His mom prepared a table full of his favorite food, treating him like a prince. He felt as if going back to the carefree childhood, receiving all the love from his parents as he’s the only child. It was a rare, happy dream that made him feel comfortable and safe.

When he wakes up again, the screen tells him there are still five hours to fly. Frustrated, Wooseok decides to take a walk in the aisles and stretch his tiring legs. He stands up, but finds that Seungyoun is still awake, watching a movie.

“Have you slept at all?”

“I’m not sleepy,” Seungyoun puts away his headphone and says with a soft and caring smile.

However, Wooseok suddenly feels that he doesn’t want to see Seungyoun smile like this… It somehow makes him worried that Seungyoun is hiding his true feelings. Of course, he is not really “disliking” Seungyoun smiling, it’s just that he feels distant when Seungyoun is being too nice, too caring, and too… perfect for him.

Wooseok quickly looks around the cabin, since it is quite dark and no one is walking, he suddenly sits on Seungyoun’s laps, facing him. Seungyoun is surprised and whispers to his ears, “What are you doing?”

“Nothing. I just want you to take some rest. If you don’t sleep, I’ll sit on your laps like this for the rest of the flight.” Wooseok is being mischievous. But also, he really wants Seungyoun to take some rest.

“But you know I can’t fall asleep easily,” Seungyoun says.

“Then just close your eyes and rest for a while. Seungyoun, I’m really worried about your health. Just listen to me, ok?” Wooseok then stands up from Seungyoun’s body and pushes his chest until he falls back into the chair.

“Now you are like my mom,” Seungyoun smiles again, this time it’s more sincere, “Ok, fine, I’ll sleep.”

Wooseok nods in satisfaction. He then gives Seungyoun a kiss on the forehead, turns off the screen for him, and then leaves the seat.

Since he feels thirsty, he heads to the kitchen, hoping to get some water. While walking, he suddenly hears some giggles from the kitchen not so far away. And obviously, one of those is coming from Jinhyuk. Oh, so Jinhyuk is flirting with a flight attendant now? Wooseok rolls his eyes and quickly walks past the kitchen area.

However, Jinhyuk is so sensitive that he immediately catches Wooseok’s arm when he passes by the dark aisle. 

For Wooseok, it still feels familiar when his arm is being grabbed by Jinhyuk. In fact, when they were in the same group, they used to play a game by covering one’s eyes and let him guess who is touching him. And Wooseok could never guess Jinhyuk wrong, and vice versa. They know each other too well, their skin texture, their breath, their… ok, stop. It’s no longer important.

Just like this, Wooseok is basically being pulled into the narrow kitchen space by Jinhyuk. The tall guy then asks, “Are you still mad at me?” 

Wooseok doesn’t answer. He just turns to the flight attendant and asks her for some water. The flight attendant is super skinny, tall, and pale, a generic beauty, and indeed Jinhyuk’s taste. She gets a bottle of water from the drawer and then walks away immediately. Apparently, she is good at reading the atmosphere, and she can tell there's something between these two celebrities, and they are about to have a talk.

Wooseok takes a sip of water, and finally looks back into Jinhyuk’s eyes, “Why would I still be mad? Who do you think you are?”

“Come on, don’t pretend.” Jinhyuk doesn’t buy into his attitude. But he quickly changes his tone to a more apologetic and gentle one, “Well, last time at your home, it was totally my fault. I spent a month doing self-reflection. I didn’t know why I mentioned that incident to you again that day… and I felt really bad afterward. I’m sorry, Wooseok. Please accept my apology. But don’t treat me like a stranger, ok?” Jinhyuk leans on the other side of the narrow kitchen area, looking at Wooseok with sincerity in his eyes.

But the truth is, Wooseok doesn’t even know if he’s mad at Jinhyuk because he recalled that incident from ten years ago. Perhaps he was not mad at him because of that, but something else. Indeed, Jinhyuk was terrible by talking about that thing and using it to threaten him; however, Wooseok thinks it can no longer hurt him that much. He has already forgotten about it, or at least that’s what he believes. But wait, isn't this enough to make Jinhyuk a terrible person that he should never have any relation with? 

Wooseok takes another sip of water, and then says, “Right, there are so many reasons for me to be mad at you.”

“Don’t be like this, Wooseok. I’m really sorry!” Jinhyuk insists, “I always wanted to protect you, including that day, I was there because I was afraid he did something bad to you. But I didn’t know why I ended up hurting you… After that, I couldn’t concentrate on my work, yet I didn’t know how to apologize to you since you wouldn't answer my call…” Jinhyuk becomes more agitated and he grabs Wooseok’s arm and squeezes it tightly. And Wooseok is startled, not by his action, but by the words coming from his mouth. Jinhyuk would never apologize to him like this, almost like begging...

Damn. Jinhyuk knows him too well. Wooseok thinks. He knows that he would never be cold-hearted and refuse to forgive someone. That’s why he’s being this persistent right now. Wooseok feels annoyed, but he also can’t stand being trapped in a situation where someone keeps apologizing to him, and in such a semi-public space. So he finally says, “That incident has already passed. I don’t really care anymore. I forgot about it already.”

For years, it was his brain that chose to forget.

But now, it is because he is happy with Seungyoun, so he chooses to forget.

“Does that mean you’ve forgiven me? Can we be friends again then?” Jinhyuk sounds excited.

Wooseok still wants to say “no,” but when he opens his mouth again, he says, “We’ll see each other in the company anyways.”

Jinhyuk knows that means Wooseok is no longer mad, so he seems extremely relieved. Moreover, he suddenly hugs Wooseok, tightly, full of thankful emotion. 

Wooseok is stunned. The kitchen area in the plane is so narrow. So when they are hugging, there is no more space left. He can’t move, and he dare not to move.

What does this hug mean? Maybe Jinhyuk is just being dramatic because he’s forgiven? Ok, let’s just interpret it this way. Wooseok tells himself.

However, the hug is noticeably getting long… until suddenly, Wooseok hears Jinhyuk uttering, “Seok, give me another chance, please?”

_What?_

Wooseok is totally lost by what he just heard.

“What chance?” He pulls himself out of Jinhyuk's embrace.

“A chance to pursue you, of course,” Jinhyuk says matter-of-factly.

Wooseok can’t believe what is happening right now. What the hell is wrong with this guy? Is he crazy? He stares at Jinhyuk with disbelief. And damn, he sees Jinhyuk is smiling victoriously, like he always does.

“What do you mean? Are you out of your mind?” Wooseok tries his best to suppress his voice.

“I think you know what I mean. Can I pursue you again?” Jinhyuk repeats.

“Of course not!!!” Wooseok holds his fists in the dark, “What’s in your head? I will never accept you again. NEVER! And aren’t you having a girlfriend? Aren’t you a straight man? Why are you doing this to me???” Wooseok is yelling but in a very low voice. He hates how Jinhyuk is taking advantage of this small and dark space.

“You're right. I don’t like men. But you are an exception,” Jinhyuk shrugs, “I’ll break up with my girlfriend this time after I get home. It’s been on my plan for a while now. I feel bored by being with her.”

“Oh really? What a poor girl.” Wooseok tries to be calm and comments.

“So please, Seok. See, we’ve known each other for more than ten years. We spent our best times together. We used to be so close. You were so reliant on me, and I was so eager to protect you… It was a pity that we broke up, and I just realized it…” Jinhyuk blurts out while touching and tilting Wooseok’s chin, making the shorter man look at him in the eyes, “Just, please, allow me. Give me another chance. You don’t have to do anything, just let me prove to you that we should still be together.”


	25. Chapter 25

Wooseok stays quiet for almost half a minute after Jinhyuk finishes his "speech." 

To be honest, he was astonished at first, but towards the end, he smirked with a sense of disdain. And finally, he utters coldly, “I didn’t spend my ‘best time’ with you."

“What?” Jinhyuk looks unprepared. 

“You said that we spent our ‘best times’ together? But that’s just your one-sided delusion!” Wooseok crosses his arms but he can only look down at the floor. He doesn’t really feel comfortable to knock down Jinhyuk like this. He’s too kind at heart. However, he has to be brave this time and make everything straight between them.

“Wow… that… that hurts.” Jinhyuk puts on an uneasy smile on his face, and his voice sounds unsurprisingly disappointed. 

_Don’t look at him. Don’t retreat. Wooseok, you can do this_. —Wooseok tells himself internally. After all, he’s not lying. His “best time” happens whenever he’s with Seungyoun. And they will have an even better time once they get married. Seungyoun has promised him already, and now they just need more time. But they’ll be together, forever. Wooseok confirms in his mind.

“So what did I mean to you? I mean, the days that we spent together, how do you see them now?” Jinhyuk tries to calm down and asks Wooseok.

“A mistake.” Wooseok almost answers immediately. But he feels regret instantly because he was once hurt by the same answer, and he still knows how that feels. He holds his breath and still avoids Jinhyuk's gaze. The two are in awkward silence for another few seconds, and finally, Wooseok can't take this anymore. With the plane's abrupt turbulence, he harshly pushes Jinhyuk away and runs into the bathroom.

A mistake. Jinhyuk ruminates the answer in his mind. 

Not gonna lie, this has completely knocked him down. For a long time, this was his script. He thought that dating Wooseok was a “mistake” that he made when he was too young and bored. However, the same words now come back at him, and it hurts. It hurts more than he could imagine. He rubs his chin and smiles bitterly, murmuring to himself, “Wooseok-ah, is this how you felt before?

He shakes his head and walks back to his seat. When he passes Seungyoun, he lays a glimpse of him and finds that he is sleeping with an eye mask on. A feeling of anguish rushes to his head: How come? Why? Why him? What’s so special about this man named Cho Seungyoun? Jinhyuk shouts internally, and then he calls the flight attendant again, deliberately making a lot of loud noises to vent his anger. 

Wooseok vomited in the bathroom. It was because of the sudden turbulence, but more importantly, it was because of Jinhyuk. Their conversation just now made him feel strange, uncomfortable, and sick. He rinses his mouth and looks at himself in the mirror--an exhausted man in his late 20s. Why is he still like a protagonist in a love triangle? He did hurt Jinhyuk on purpose just now, and he has been telling himself to not feel guilty about it. However, guess it still takes courage and time, otherwise he wouldn't be here throwing up and feeling unreasonably sad. Ah, if he can lose part of his memories again, he’d rather forget about the time that he and Jinhyuk were together…

Wooseok cleans himself and returns to his seat. He notices that Jinhyuk is watching a movie now, as if nothing has happened.

Good, let’s keep it this way.

Wooseok when leans on Seungyoun’s seat and looks at him, who is sleeping with the eye mask on. Well, Wooseok is not sure if Seungyoun is really asleep, but it makes him a little happier than just now since Seungyoun did listen to him and have some rest. Wooseok then pats Seungyoun’s head softly. It’s rare for him to look at Seungyoun from above, and he finds it fascinating. His eyes quietly trace Seungyoun’s eyelashes, his nose bridge, his lips, and lower down, his strong torso, especially his chest… Ah, this is his man for sure. And they will spend a lot of “best times” together.

“Where did you go?”

Seungyoun's voice suddenly breaks Wooseok's thoughts, and the latter almost screams out. 

“I, I went to the bathroom,” Wooseok answers nervously.

Seungyoun puts down his eye mask, looking up at Wooseok, and then smiles like an angel, “Why don’t you sit down?”

“Oh… ok.” Wooseok answers awkwardly and sits down. He told himself to be proud of what he did to Jinhyuk, but when he’s back with Seungyoun, he finds himself still nervous, fearing that Seungyoun would find out what they just did in the kitchen. 

Seungyoun then grabs Wooseok’s hand and presses it under his. Wooseok can feel his strength and warmth in the touch. He doesn't know what it means, but he tries to calm down slowly. 

“Why are you so stiff? I’m here with you, you should be more relaxed.” Seungyoun says.

“Really? Maybe because I sat for too long…”

“No, I mean, your whole person feels stiff and stressed. We just finished vacation and you’re already stressed again?”

Wooseok feels there’s something deeper in Seungyoun’s words. However, he thinks that it is impossible for him to know what happened between him and Jinhyuk just now. 

“Wooseok-ah, you’ve done well. Everything you’ve done for me… I know them all.” Seungyoun continues, and it sounds as if he really knows something...

“I, I didn’t do anything,” Wooseok replies. He thinks his hand is sweating. 

“You are such a clumsy princess,” Seungyoun suddenly laughs. His fingers roam playfully in between Wooseok’s fingers, and then he leans closer to Wooseok’s ear, whispering, “I believe in you, my princess. Your choice is always right.”

“Don’t, don't do this…” Wooseok squeezes his shoulders because Seungyoun is making him feel ticklish, “Don’t call me ‘princess’…”

“Really? I thought you liked it?” Seungyoun pretends to be surprised.

“That’s because we were on vacation… and no one understood us in England…”

“Then how about I call you this in bed?” Seungyoun keeps teasing him.

Wooseok blushes. He finally feels that Seungyoun is just being naughty and teasing, instead of trying to punish him for what he did... After all, how could he know? He was here sleeping, right? Wooseok's nervous heart then flutters as he begins to think about Seungyoun in bed, and he mutters, “Emm… ok…”

Seungyoun smiles and gives him a kiss in the dark.

This is such a normal action between them but Wooseok feels like he has never been this reassured in his life. So when Seungyoun pulls away, Wooseok immediately hugs him back and kisses him more fervently, and maybe, thankfully. He wants to feel more secured; he wants to make sure that Seungyoun wants him as much as he does for him. So he grabs Seungyoun's shirts in the back and opens his mouth to devour the older's thin and soft lips. Seungyoun remunerates quickly, as he uses one arm to surround Wooseok's thin waist and presses him harder towards his body. Their tongues soon begin to curl and swirl in each other’s mouth, and the pheromones in between their seats also escalate. They are trying their best to not make a sound, but perhaps their heartbeats are still too loud, too noisy… Wooseok feels so hot, almost like a fever. But he's satisfied. He thinks that Seungyoun’s reciprocation with this kiss is a prize that honors his loyalty to him. As he tastes every corner of Seungyoun’s mouth, he also praises himself: Wooseok, you did well. You really did well to ditch Jinhyuk just now. It's alright now...

When this passionate kiss finally ends, the two sit back in their chairs, both breathing heavily and then staying quiet for a long time. Meanwhile, their hands are still intertwined, full of love and trust.

***

When they arrive at Incheon Airport, Wooseok has to change his outfit in the bathroom first. As they are now back in Korea, he’s also back to that "national idol" persona again.

When he walks out of the bathroom with his hat, a face mask, and a big scarf on, he immediately sees a large crowd standing in the waiting area of the arrival hall. He should be familiar with such a scene but it would be weird today because his trip was totally private. And then, he suddenly realizes that these are the media and fans waiting for Jinhyuk, whose London trip must be a public schedule. 

Seungyoun also notices the crowd not so far away. Luckily, he and Wooseok are almost the last passengers walking out since Wooseok spent a long time changing in the bathroom, so they should be safe and unnoticeable by the crowd.

However, the worst thing still happens. Out of nowhere, a girl’s voice suddenly screams, “Hey! Isn’t that Kim Wooseok?”

“Wait, what???” Another girl's voice. 

“Where?” Another girl. 

It only takes a few seconds for a group of maybe seven or eight girls to run toward Wooseok. Seungyoun instinctively stands in front of him but they are already being surrounded.

“Omg! It’s really him! Kim Wooseok!” The girls start to walk with them together, some are filming them using a smartphone.

“Wait, don’t tell me he’s with Jinhyuk the whole time? There is only one flight arriving at this gate now, right?”

Wooseok and Seungyoun can hear their discussions and suspicions, but neither of them should talk to them, of course. Soon, a girl gets even closer to Wooseok and asks, “Oppa, did you also come back from London? Were you and Jinhyuk oppa on the same plane?” “Were you guys traveling together in England?”

…

Wooseok tries to be nice by smiling, but he can’t look at the girl straight in the eyes. He just looks at the floor and tries to follow Seungyoun’s back as the taller is helping him cutting through the crowd. These girls probably think Seungyoun is just Wooseok’s staff or security, so no one even questioned about his existence.

But after another few steps, Seungyoun suddenly stops, and the larger, more noisy crowd that was supposed to film Jinhyuk suddenly becomes quiet for three seconds. And the next thing Seungyoun and Wooseok know, that crowd with tons of cameras are running toward them instead.

Ah, it can’t get worse.

It appears that Jinhyuk looked back at Seungyoun and Wooseok just now and smiled at them; he then told the journalists and fans something, and as a result, all of them noticed Wooseok.

It takes Jinhyuk’s staff long enough to finally realize that they should come here to protect Wooseok as well, who is also from their own agency. However, they are mostly young women as well, so it is quite a struggle for them to finally push Wooseok and Seungyoun onto Jinhyuk’s van.

When the last person’s butt hits the seat, the van leaves the airport at once. All the staff is breathing heavily due to the hassle they have just experienced.

“Sorry for bringing so much trouble to you,” Wooseok apologizes to the staff once everyone seems to calm down. 

“No, it’s our fault. We should have come to protect you quicker,” the lead staff says.

“But you are all Jinhyuk’s staff. You didn’t have the responsibility to protect me. I was on a private schedule, but now you have to send me, I mean us, home. I’m so sorry.” Wooseok sounds so nice and understanding, making the staff so flustered. 

However, when Wooseok looks up, he inevitably meets Jinhyuk’s eyes in the rearview mirror. Although he dodges quickly, it has already made him annoyed, knowing that he owns Jinhyuk now.

Half an hour later, most people in the van fall asleep, except one staff, who is not only awake but also glares at Seungyoun every now and then. Wooseok notices her uneasiness but decides to not explain anything either. He has told the media that he would travel with a friend, so he’s pretty sure that people will just think Seungyoun is a “friend.” Meanwhile, Wooseok is more concerned about the chaos in the airport just now. He’s not sure if his photos will be uploaded to the internet, and what kind of rumors will come out about him and Jinhyuk… He sighs heavily, and reminds himself to notify his manager once he gets home.

The driver sends Wooseok and Seungyoun home safely. After getting their luggage from the back, Wooseok walks to the door to thank the girls. He really doesn’t want to thank Jinhyuk, but Jinhyuk has already put the window down and waves at him with a mischievous smile on his face. Wooseok rolls his eyes and looks away, even though he and Seungyoun still stay there until the van finally leaves his sight. 

“Ahhhh, I'm so mad!!! This is crazy!!!” When the couple enters the apartment building, Wooseok finally yells angrily.

“You care about him too much. Just treat him as a colleague. I think it’s normal for him to send us home in such a situation,” Seungyoun walks in front of Wooseok and utters indifferently.

Wooseok runs to catch up with Seungyoun and tilts his head to look at his face, “You aren’t mad, are you?”

Seungyoun looks back with a confused expression, “Why? Well, if I see a photo of me on the Internet later, I may be mad,” he then smiles.

Realizing Seungyoun is just teasing makes Wooseok so relieved. He reminds himself that Seungyoun will no longer question his relationship with Jinhyuk. He and Seungyoun's tie is now stronger than ever, so he shouldn’t be scared.

 _Wait, but what if that girl in the van thought we were dating?_ For some reason, this thought hits Wooseok when he enters the elevator. _Emmm... but she should have signed the confidentiality agreement before working in our company, right?_ Not gonna lie, Wooseok's brain still functions intensely even though they are almost home. He then observes Seungyoun from the mirror, yet find him very content and peaceful. Maybe he's happy that they are finally back in Korea.

But gosh, why does "back in Korea" feel so stressful and scary for Wooseok? 

And indeed, this is just the beginning of another round of chaos and troubles…


	26. Chapter 26

Wooseok’s cellphone vibrates the moment he enters home.

“Wooseok-ah, are you ok? Did you get hurt at the airport?” It is Manager Choi.

Wooseok is so confused, “What do you mean? There were indeed people photographing me at the airport but I wasn’t injured or anything. Also, I think people will not upload my photos. I mean, I hope they have some ethics, since I was on private schedule.”

Manager Choi sighs heavily on the other side of the line, “We are in trouble.”

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t you check the Internet? Why are you and Jinhyuk together again?”

“We were just on the same plane,” Wooseok answers matter-of-factly, and this also reminds him to add, “Oh, please don’t put us on the same show ever again!! I’m so fed up of him.”

“You have no idea how serious this is! The media is saying that you guys are dating!” Manager Choi’s voice becomes more serious as he realizes how unbothered Wooseok sounds.

“What????” And now Wooseok finally grasps the gravity of the issue, “Say it again???” He screams, and this also attracts Seungyoun’s attention.

“Come on, ‘Wooseok and Jinhyuk dating’ is on social media trending right now. People are saying that you two were traveling in England and were seen coming back together at the airport tonight.”

“What? They are insane!” Wooseok shouts, “So they think Seungyounie is nonexistent or something? I was walking with Seungyoun! Not Jinhyuk! Were they blind?” It's kind of funny that his first reaction is "how about my Seungyounie?" But more importantly, he is so angry about the unfounded rumor that he even hits the table in front of him, although it only hurts himself more. 

“Well, take a look at social media. But don’t explain anything yourself yet. I’m hoping it will die down itself. And if it goes viral, I’ll think of other ways to handle it.” Manager Choi exhorts Wooseok. 

“It’s nonsense! The Internet is crazy,” Wooseok hangs up the phone furiously.

Seungyoun has pretty much guessed what was going on from Wooseok’s reactions, so he pulls out his phone and opens some popular websites. Unsurprisingly, he immediately sees a bunch of headlines with Wooseok and Jinhyuk’s photos attached to them. Their photos are all individual shots because Wooseok didn’t even get close to Jinhyuk just now at the airport. However, the media deliberately put them side by side as if the two walked together. Seungyoun clicks on a news and it says, “The cooking show reunited Wooseok and Jinhyuk. The two traveled to Europe together. And Jinhyuk admits that they are much closer than ever.”

This is so weird, even Seungyoun feels the awkwardness when reading the news. He then looks at Wooseok, who is sitting on the sofa and checking on his phone. After a few seconds, he throws the phone on the table angrily.

“I’m gonna kill that jerk!” Wooseok stands up and shouts, “What the hell did he say to the media at the airport? ‘We are closer than ever?’ Who the heck is ‘close to him’? Who the heck ‘traveled with him’? Why is he doing this to me???” Wooseok is not just mad, he's outrageous.

Seungyoun hasn’t seen him being this angry before, and he suddenly laughs because he thinks Wooseok is quite cute this way. Unlike Wooseok, he is quite unbothered about the news. Maybe because he was there at the airport so he knew everything was just made up by the media. Also, he thinks that Jinhyuk is quite a pathetic guy if he really told the media that Wooseok was with him. That clearly means he’s making a revenge, and that’s so childish of him, and will never win Wooseok back.

Actually, Seungyoun was awake when Jinhyuk and Wooseok both left their seats on the plane. He didn’t know exactly what they talked about back in the kitchen, but he knew Jinhyuk came back very angry and made a lot of unnecessary noise. Apparently, the two had some conflicts again. That’s why when Wooseok came back, he decided to comfort him by telling him that everything was fine, every decision Wooseok made was right. However, he really didn’t expect Jinhyuk to revenge in such a mean way, like directly lying to the media? But anyway, Seungyoun now wonders if Jinhyuk really still loves Wooseok, or just doesn’t want to “lose”?

“You saw the news, right? How could he do this to me?” Wooseok walks towards Seungyoun and sits on the carpet with him, “I guess someone asked him why I was behind him, and then he lied that I was traveling with him.”

Seungyoun nods, “Probably, that’s funny.”

Wooseok is not sure about what Seungyoun feels about all this, so he leans closer and looks at him in the eyes, “Are you ok? Are you angry?” In fact, even Wooseok himself thinks that he has become quite paranoid, as he would constantly be worried about Seungyoun being jealous or angry about him and Jinhyuk's previous relationship. 

But Seungyoun has really passed that stage. He smiles and asks, “You still don’t trust me? I’ve told you many times, I’m not that mean or narrow-minded.”

“Oh… ok. He’s the one who is mean!” Wooseok feels relieved, but then the anger hits him again, “Ahhhh I really want to scold him right now but I don’t want to call him and hear his voice!!! I’m so angry!!!”

“So maybe you should think about how to deal with the media?” Seungyoun is rather calm, “Also, I was wondering, when you guys were dating in the past, did the media know?” Although Seungyoun is no longer jealous of their past, this is something that he’s been curious about, so he finally asks Wooseok.

“Well, some media people knew. There were some journalists who were close to us. Also, I think some fans knew, or maybe they accepted it as truth. But no one really talked about it publicly because, well, it is Korea.” Wooseok answers the question candidly. He then rests his head on Seungyoun’s shoulder and murmurs, “I think that’s why we become news again. People have been suspicious about our relationship before; and tonight, it was like a revival. It's also that stupid cooking show’s fault. I shouldn’t have accepted the offer! They were so excited to promote me and Jinhyuk, and our ‘reunion.’ That’s why more people have been paying attention to us recently…” Wooseok then pauses, because he suddenly realizes something important: “Wait! Maybe he’s onto something new? You know, he wants to gain more media attention, so he’s using me now?”

Seungyoun shrugs as he doesn’t know much about the tactics in the entertainment industry. However, Wooseok quickly grabs his phone and starts to search something, “So he has this new drama that needs to be filmed London… and he is going to release a new album? Ok... but isn’t it better to promote himself by revealing his relationship with that actress? Why dragging me in?”

Seungyoun just listens, but doesn’t say a word. After Wooseok finishes the search, he hugs Seungyoun again, “That’s all. He only has a drama coming up and maybe a new album.”

“Well, let’s not think about why he’s being crazy right now.” Seungyoun finally pats Wooseok's head and says, “Just think about how to deal with the media, ok? I’m worried about you being misunderstood and hurt by them.”

To Seungyoun, Wooseok seems to have changed from “furious” to “excited.” The way he’s doing research about Jinhyuk’s recent schedule, and the fact that he keeps talking about Jinhyuk, makes him feel like he’s excited to think about a way to fight back, to revenge. However, Seungyoun secretly thinks that Jinhyuk has already lost. He’s already a loser by lying to the media. Also, if Jinhyuk still loves Wooseok, then he must love Wooseok even more. That’s all that matters.

“Ok, let’s take a shower and sleep. Aren’t you tired?” Seungyoun changes topic.

“Together?” Wooseok asks with his eyes shimmering.

Seungyoun grins and nods, “Fine, we can do that. But no sex. I’m tired.”

“I know!!” Wooseok whines and kisses him on the cheek. However, when he glimpses at the carpet, Jinhyuk's face is still on the cellphone screen. He is smiling, annoyingly. 

The next morning Wooseok wakes up very early due to the jetlag. The first thing he does is checking his phone and sees if the rumor has been developed or died down. He finds that the fans are the most excited group. On a chatting board, some are celebrating, some are trying to defend him or Jinhyuk. He then checks Jinhyuk’s social media page, ok, he hasn’t said anything crazy yet. Hopefully, people will just think last night was a joke, and forget about it.

Seungyoun is still sleeping, so Wooseok decides to make breakfast this time. He goes to the kitchen and only finds some eggs in the fridge. Well, at least he is good at making scrambled eggs.

When he opens the drawer to get some utensils, he sees Seungyoun’s medicines again and remembers that the first time he found out about Seungyoun’s depression was also when making breakfast one day. It was 50mg at that time, but now, 375mg. How come he’s getting worse when in fact they have been together longer, and their relationship has been going back to normal? Wooseok doesn’t know, or maybe he does, but refuses to admit.

Wooseok calls his manager while cooking breakfast. After making sure that Jinhyuk is not going to the company today, he decides to go there and just to check-in, since he hasn’t showed up for half a month already.

“You don’t need me to pick you up?” Manager Choi asks on the phone.

“Nope, I’ll take a taxi.” Wooseok answers.

"Ok, then take care because I have a meeting here in ten minutes. By the way, I think you should get a driver’s license. Let’s put that on our schedule.” Manager Choi says.

“Ok, whatever, see you later.” Wooseok hangs up the phone.

The reason that Seungyoun can’t drive him to the company today is that he also needs to go to his company and check-in. Moreover, it’s not like Wooseok can’t even go to work by himself, so he’s fine taking a taxi.

They still walk out of the apartment together, Seungyoun watches him get into the taxi and then drives to the opposite direction.

Wooseok listens to the music on the taxi and suddenly wonders if he should release a new album or at least an EP soon. Indeed, recently he only had that damned cooking show, nothing else. But then, this idea makes him think about Jinhyuk, who is said to publish a new album soon. His head thus hurts again. He still doesn’t know what went on in Jinhyuk’s mind when he did that at the airport. What kind of benefit would he get by lying to the media about their relationship? Although "bromance" and “ships” can draw fans’ attention, they are no longer in the same group and no longer like the younger idols who need more promotions like this.

About 45 minutes later, the taxi stops. Wooseok opens the door without even looking around. The next thing he knows, tons of journalists, cameras, and smartphones immediately devour him.

Wait, what is this? Wooseok is totally unprepared and astonished. The camera shutters are so loud and the flashlights almost blind him; meanwhile, many journalists are shouting to his ears, but he cannot understand anything. He tries his best to push and walk ahead, and finally, he hears something:

“Are you really dating Jinhyuk now?”

“I heard that you were in a relationship before, is that true?”

“Did you see his tweet? Any thoughts?”

……

And then their voices fade away in Wooseok's head.

Wooseok is dazed and confused. He feels like he’s in a drama because he has never been surrounded by these many journalists, who are asking him about “his relationship.” This is so ridiculous. What is happening right now? He keeps walking until at one point he can no longer pushing the journalists away. He stands in the center of the crowd, so lost, so puzzled. He vaguely recalls that someone mentioned Jinhyuk’s “tweet” just now. So what was that about?

“Hey, let us through!” “Don't push!”

Finally, some security guys' shouts are heard outside the crowd. Next thing Wooseok knows, he's already been rescued and sent inside the company lobby.

“OMG! Wooseok! Are you okay? I should have picked you up! Did they hurt you? Did you say anything just now?” Manager Choi is waiting in the lobby, anxiously.

“Emm? Me?” Wooseok still seems lost. It takes him a while to finally realize that he is safe, and then he answers, “No, I didn’t say anything to them. But… what did Jinhyuk do again?”

“Aigoooo, you guys! I don’t know what happened between you two. I thought you were back to being friends but why is this happening?” Manager Choi sounds like he’s complaining, but also, curious.

“What do you mean 'what is happening'?” Wooseok still has no idea.

Manager Choi sighs and shows his phone in front of Wooseok. It is Jinhyuk’s Twitter page, and about 40 minutes ago, he posted a selfie of him and Wooseok. That photo was taken when they were still teammates (and dating), and they almost kissed in that photo. Then, the caption goes, “I’m sorry, Wooseok. Can we go back to that time?”

Wooseok is stunned at first, but then he immediately wakes up and about to throw that phone away. Manager Choi hurriedly takes the phone from Wooseok's hand since it is actually his phone...

“I want to strangle him, right now! I’m not even lying!” Wooseok shouts in the quiet lobby and then runs towards the elevator. Manager Choi chases him and asks in the back, “What’s wrong between you guys?”

“That’s my question!” Wooseok continues to shout, “I have no freaking idea why he’s doing this, to the media, to me! There’s absolutely nothing between us!” He then presses the button in the elevator with anguish. However, when he looks at his manager again, he suddenly feels it's not okay to vent his anger on this man, so he lets out a long sigh and admits, “Well, we met in London airport. He suddenly said he wanted to pursue me again. I rejected him. That’s all.”

“Wow…” Manager Choi exclaims as if he has heard something spicy. But he quickly becomes serious and asks, “So that means he broke up with that girl?”

“Who knows!” Wooseok answers impatiently, “Anyway, he knows that I’m with Seungyoun yet he’s still causing me trouble like this. I don’t know what’s wrong with him. I honestly think he’s out of his mind. So what should we do? What should we say to the media now?” Wooseok sounds so irritated.

For some reason, manager Choi seems less worried than just now, and this man in his late 30s utters, “You are literally colleagues, how come you've made things so complicated now…”

“It’s not even my fault, ok? And why do I feel like you are enjoying the show or something?” It appears that Wooseok still can't control his anger towards Jinhyuk, so he's being merciless to his aljussi again. At the same time, the elevator door opens, so they both stop talking and walk toward the pantry room.

Wooseok walks directly towards the coffee machine. Smiling the coffee beans make him less irritated. Meanwhile, manager Choi is leaning on the wall and looking at him. 

“Wooseok-ah, do you want to hear me speaking some truths?” Manager Choi speaks again. 

"Go ahead," Wooseok doesn't look up at him. 

“Actually, if both of you want to release a new album soon, I think it’s ok to make some ‘news’ like this right now…” Manager Choi says every word carefully yet persuasively.

Wooseok’s hand that is reaching to the coffee beans suddenly stops in the air. He then looks up at his manager in disbelief. After a few seconds, he finally opens his mouth again, “Ok, I guess I won’t extend my contract with you and T Media then.” 

Seriously? 

Wooseok is more than shocked by hearing aljussi's suggestion. He shoves the coffee bag away and walks towards the door. 

Of course, manager Choi quickly stops him at the door and smiles apologetically, “Wooseok-ah, hyung knows that you don’t like Jinhyuk now. Emm... how about we have a conversation with his team? Let’s make things straight, and then decide what to do next? We can even come up with a promotional strategy together.”

“Hyung!” Wooseok finally yells to his face. He is in no mood to have a “conversation” with Jinhyuk's team or continue listening to his manager proposing such bullshit ideas. He is mad and disappointed, to the point that he calls him “hyung” instead of “aljussi” this time: “Hyung, do you see me as a product? Or a person?”

Wooseok looks so cold and serious, even manager Choi can feel the horror in his ruthless tone.

“Of course I see you as a person! How can I see you as a product!? I’ve been accompanying you for ten years; I literally see you growing up. Everything I do is to make you happy and successful.” Manager Choi explains. However, Wooseok doesn't even know if he should trust him anymore. Although he doesn't think his aljussi has planned everything with Jinhyuk, he is just disappointed that the man who has been taking care of him for ten years doesn't even have any empathy at this critical moment. 

“Then promise me, even when there are amazing resources, opportunities, as long as there is Jinhyuk, I’m not going. Please know that I have absolutely no relation with him from now on. If you don't promise me this, I’m leaving here. I’m not signing the contract.” Wooseok states his requirements coldly.

“Ok, fine. I promise you," manager Choi answers at once, and this makes a small part in Wooseok's heart feel relieved. "So how about we sign the contract today then?” manager Choi continues. 

And right there, Wooseok suddenly shifts from a cold face to an angelic face as if nothing unpleasant has happened. He smiles at the stiffened manager and says, “How about we talk about the new album first? I think it's time to make a comeback.”


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> big drama, hehehe.

Seungyoun arrives in his company and sees no one except his boss Mr. Kang. It’s not really surprising for him since most of the musicians signed to this company prefer to work from home. Mr. Kang, however, seems ecstatic to see Seungyoun, probably because he finally sees a real person showing up at the door. Seungyoun quickly brings out the gift that he bought from England to him, making this friendly old man even more excited.

“Seungyoun-ah, I have renovated your studio here. Go have a look!” The boss puts the gift on his table and points to the space in the far back of this loft-style floor. Seungyoun hasn’t come here for about two months, and he has already brought all the important instruments home, so his “studio” has always been a messy storage room. He’s surprised that his boss “renovated” it, even though he doesn’t really have a high expectation.

However, when he walks to the place where it is supposed to be his own studio, he is genuinely surprised to find out that it looks really nice. The walls have been painted in blue and orange, his favorite colors, and there are also new furniture and even some new instruments which may cost quite a lot of money.

“Wow, this is quite… different.” Seungyoun exclaims. Compared to the depressed and dark “storage room” from two months ago, now this is more like a trendy and modern office with bright colored furniture and a French window facing the street. In fact, it kind of makes Seungyoun want to come back more often to work.

Mr. Kang looks so proud, “I’ve earned some money from the stocks recently, and I thought I should ask you guys to come back here more often and work from here. I’ve renovated several studios already. I guess if you feel happy to work here, we can make more money.”

Seungyoun doesn’t know how to respond. In fact, he’s not sure why his boss, who has received a huge amount of heritage from his father when he was young, and now runs a dozen companies in many unrelated fields, is still so obsessed with the idea of “earning money;” but since he pays Seungyoun well and allows him to basically do whatever he likes, he doesn’t want to complain at all.

“Ah! Wait! I almost forgot!” Mr. Kang makes a dramatic sound again.

“Now what?” Seungyoun asks. He is already sitting on a fancy task chair and swivels on it. 

“How are you doing with your music recently? Have you got some inspiration from your trip? Guess what, I have a job for you.”

Seungyoun stops rotating on the chair. His boss knows that he’s in an artist slump but has never pushed him. And he himself has been feeling bad about it yet escaping from the question. So when boss finally asks him again, he feels quite guilty. Actually, he had some “moments” in England and he even wrote something down on his computer, but to be honest, he’s still not confident to say that he can produce music soon. After all, he hasn’t even touched his keyboards or guitar for a long time.

However, after a few seconds of inner struggle, Seungyoun rotates back and says to his boss, “What kind of job?”

Mr. Kang was worried when Seungyoun paused for a few seconds just now. And now, he is finally relieved and says, “It’s a job from T Media. And I think their people are coming to see you soon.”

“Who?” Seungyoun almost stands up from his chair when he hears the name “T Media.” He knows that Wooseok is definitely not having a comeback now, so who can this be? Don’t say it’s Jinhyuk…

“They called me early this morning and said they’d like to discuss with you about collaboration. So that’s why I asked you to come asap, it's not because I want to receive your gift… well, I mean, I’m happy to receive a gift, too.” The boss jokes and laughs out loud. Seungyoun can tell he’s so happy that this company is about to get a job from a small but quite famous agency.

“Well… Can you tell me who requested me?” Seungyoun asks cautiously.

“Lee Jinhyuk. We all know their company has two aces, aside from your boyfriend, Jinhyuk is the other one,” Mr. Kang obviously has no idea about the complexity within these three’s relationship, so he even winks at Seungyoun when referring to Wooseok. Then he continues, “Well, I’m not surprised. You made a successful album for Wooseok last year, no wonder Jinhyuk also wants to work with you.”

However, Seungyoun looks concerned. There is no way that Jinhyuk is really coming for work. They were literally on the same plane a day ago, if he really wanted to collaborate, he would have already asked.

“So, what do you think? They are coming at 10.” Mr. Kang's voice interrupts Seungyoun’s thoughts, “I think you can handle this job. Just talk to his team later and take it, ok?” He then leaves the newly furnished studio.

Seungyoun looks at the clock and it’s already 10 minutes to 10am. At first, he wanted to text Wooseok about it, but then he stopped, thinking that maybe it’s better to solve whatever that’s going to happen between him and Jinhyuk alone. He then walks towards the large French window, looking outside at the empty back street, and wondering what Jinhyuk is really thinking. Although he and Jinhyuk have never had a confrontational conflict, from a personal stance, he doesn’t want to take this job. Also, even from a professional standpoint, he’s not ready to take a job knowing that he’s not in the right mood recently.

When it’s 10am, Seungyoun hears some greetings outside.

He walks out and immediately meets Jinhyuk’s glare. To his surprise, Jinhyuk comes by himself without any staff. This feels more and more abnormal for Seungyoun.

“Yah, Seungyoun, so nice to see you!” Jinhyuk greets him in an exaggerated tone as if they are long-time friends, which makes Mr. Kang quite startled thinking that these two are actually closer than he thought. He looks at Seungyoun and then back at Jinhyuk, and his smile is getting more and more obvious. Apparently, he is confident that this small company is going to have a big job.

Seungyoun steps up and shakes Jinhyuk’s hand. The two men with almost the same height silently exchanged their strength with this handshake. Now Seungyoun is sure that Jinhyuk is not here for a collab, but something else.

“Boss, we are going to talk inside then.” Seungyoun doesn’t feel like putting up a fake show in front of his boss.

“Thanks, Mr. Kang.” Jinhyuk also nods to him politely and then follows Seungyoun to that new studio of his.

“Wow, your office is quite nice,” Jinhyuk looks around and seems impressed.

“My boss just renovated it. It’s my first time here, too.” Seungyoun answers indifferently. He tries to look normal and professional. Indeed, there is no reason for him to be “unnatural” around Jinhyuk, even though he is somehow guarded. He pulls a chair for Jinhyuk and asks, “So what brings you here today? You could have talked to me on the plane.”

Jinhyuk immediately puts on a quite fake and hurtful face, “Hey, did you forget that I once asked you to write a song for me?”

Seungyoun thinks for a while, but nothing comes to his head.

“The first time we met! At the backstage of that cooking show, remember?” Jinhyuk reminds him.

And now Seungyoun recalls the annoying Jinhyuk on that day, and then he says, “But did I say yes?”

“Don’t be so mean, Seungyoun. Seriously, I just want to invite you to write a song for my upcoming album.” Jinhyuk now looks more serious, as if he’s really hoping to have Seungyoun join his project.

Seungyoun sighs, “Thanks for considering me, but I haven’t written a single song in the past three months. I don’t think I can produce something that will meet your expectations now…”

However, Jinhyuk seems unbothered. He crosses his arms and replies wittingly, “Really? Isn’t it Wooseok who doesn’t allow you to work for me?”

Hearing his boyfriend’s name from Jinhyuk’s mouth makes Seungyoun feel uncomfortable instantly. But he still tries to look calm and says, “Nope, he didn’t give me any order about you. It’s just me. I can’t write any song now. I’m sorry.”

Jinhyuk doesn’t seem discouraged at all. Instead, he looks even more interested with an odd grin on his face.

Actually, if judging from Jinhyuk’s look, one would not think he’s a cunning person who likes to give others a hard time. Also, his public image is set to be humorous and easygoing. However, only Wooseok and Seungyoun know how crazy he can be when it comes to… them.

“Hey, Mr. Cho. How’s your health recently?” Jinhyuk suddenly leans forward to look at Seungyoun attentively.

“What?” Seungyoun doesn’t expect this question so he looks confused.

“I mean, your mental health issue, your depression. Are you feeling better now?” Jinhyuk continues to stare at Seungyoun in a curious way.

_What is this about? Is he trying to initiate some mental fight?_ Seungyoun wonders. More importantly, how come he knows about his depression?

“Wooseok has told me about your mental illness a long time ago. But don’t worry, I haven’t told anyone about it, and I’m not going to. I have family members who suffer from it, too. That’s why Wooseok asked me about how to help you. He really cares about you,” Jinhyuk says.

Seungyoun looks puzzled. Although he doesn’t mind other people knowing about his depression, it is definitely different when _Jinhyuk_ knows about it. He slightly thinks his pride is being challenged, at least from the way Jinhyuk has framed this conversation so far.

And the nuances on Seungyoun’s face makes Jinhyuk quite satisfied. He continues, “I don’t mean to threaten you or anything, don’t get me wrong. I just think, maybe your mood and illness have affected Wooseok a lot? We all know he’s not in a very stable condition recently. He has started to take medicine, right?”

_Wait what? Jinhyuk also knows about this?_ Now Seungyoun is more alerted. It seems like Wooseok really has told this man a lot about himself. Although Seungyoun believes that Wooseok hasn’t contacted Jinhyuk this month, it still surprises him that things as private as their medical conditions are known to Jinhyuk. To be honest, he is a little frustrated.

Seungyoun doesn’t lay another look at Jinhyuk, and instead, he rotates his chair to look outside the window. He then says, “I think there’s no point for us to talk about these private things here. I’ve explained myself to you, I’m not capable of making music right now. I’m kind of on hiatus.”

“Oh really? Then are you capable of being with Wooseok?” Jinhyuk suddenly asks.

Seungyoun knows, he knows that Jinhyuk is deliberately being annoying and testing his limit. However, he can’t just sit there and being bullied. He holds his fists for a few seconds and finally turns back, “What’s your position to ask me such a question? There’s no need for two adult males to cause drama here.”

“I’m not.” Jinhyuk smirks and waves his hands in denial, “I just felt that maybe you don’t really know him that much, so why dragging him down to the abyss with you?”

To Seungyoun’s own surprise, he suddenly bursts out laughing while hearing Jinhyuk saying this. He laughs because if there’s really an “abyss,” he will never drag Wooseok down with him; he also laughs at the fact that he’s been criticized by Jinhyuk for “not understanding Wooseok enough.” So what is “enough?” Knowing him for ten years counts as “enough?” Does he even know how much Wooseok hates him now?

“He has a difficult past that you’ll never understand,” Jinhyuk blurts out, “Do you even know how much he has sacrificed for you?”

“I don’t need your lecture,” Seungyoun replies.

“I’m the one who walked with him during his darkest times, but I’m sure he hasn’t told you yet.” Agitated, Jinhyuk raises his voice, and then he grins in the creepiest way.

Seungyoun notices something different in Jinhyuk’s counterattack this time, and it suddenly gives him chills. Indeed, how can he not care about Jinhyuk and Wooseok’s past? It’s just that he chose to ignore it so that everyone will be more relieved and happier. But wait, why is Jinhyuk keeps emphasizing this “dark time” of Wooseok's past? What exactly happened that he didn’t know?

“Our whole company’s decisionmakers know about Wooseok’s secret, but he hasn’t told you, has he?” Jinhyuk's voice is so toxic that Seungyoun can't help but looks back into his eyes. 

Jinhyuk seems calmer upon seeing Seungyoun’s reaction. He then says, “I’m telling you this because you are his ‘boyfriend’ now. I want you to treat him better.” The authoritative and victorious tone in him is so obvious, “Ten years ago, Wooseok was… sexually assaulted by three trainees in our company. He was only 16 and just came to Seoul from Daejeon by himself. He was too outstanding among the new kids, you know… so some mean ones didn’t like him and... raped him... right in the parking lot…”

……

………….

Seungyoun couldn’t hear the rest of what Jinhyuk said. He feels as if he’s been hit by a hammer right in the head.

Is this true? This is Wooseok’s darkest past? He looks at Jinhyuk in shock, or maybe he’s actually looking into some void space that’s beyond Jinhyuk’s existence in front of him.

“That’s why we are close,” Jinhyuk doesn’t plan to give Seungyoun any time to digest the news; instead, he goes on, “I saved him from those boys. I save him. I let him stay in my place. He was too weak and vulnerable. He cried hours after hours until he passed out. Every morning he woke up and started to cry again…”

Seungyoun is not surprised about this. He can imagine Wooseok being vulnerable and crying his lungs out. More importantly, right now he has no doubt of Jinhyuk’s words anymore. And he suddenly feels like he understands why Wooseok sometimes acts capricious and uncontrollable--it's because he has a trauma like this, right? 

_Ah, Wooseok, how hard have you felt when this memory came back to you? Why don’t you tell me? Why do you undertake it by yourself? And why, why am I so stupid for not noticing something deep inside your heart earlier?_

“Shocked? Surprised?” Jinhyuk looks as if he’s enjoying a show, “You know, he is very reliant on me. For a long time, he didn’t trust anyone except me. So I think you would never understand our relationship.” Jinhyuk then walks to the window and looks outside, leaving Seungyoun sitting in the chair looking lost.

Seungyoun still keeps quiet. He feels struck down, for sure. But there is no anger, no jealousy, it’s more like a sense of loss, like his heart has lost a piece. He has to admit that Jinhyuk will forever have something that he doesn’t have, when it comes to Wooseok.

“But you don’t have to worry too much, because later on, Wooseok automatically forgot about the incident. I think it’s called ‘stress response’? Anyway, he hadn't been affected by it for years. Sometimes I even had to wonder if it happened to him at all. Well, I envy him for being able to forget the unpleasant memories.” Jinhyuk still looks outside of the window and says.

“So his delusional disorder and depression must have something to do with his past… Maybe he recalled it already… But why, why didn’t he tell me?” Seungyoun is no longer in the mood to fight Jinhyuk; instead, he mutters to himself. 

“Oh, talking about this… I may have something to do with it, actually.” However, Jinhyuk hears it and turns back as if he suddenly remembers something important. And when he sees Seungyoun’s frustrated face, he tries so hard to conceal his triumphant smile and says, “Actually, I went to your place a while ago. You were not at home that day. And I, I swear to god, I accidentally mentioned his rape case that day… And then, I made him remember…”

“When was that?”

“Let me see… emmm…. A month ago?” Jinhyuk pretends to be thinking hard, “Also, he was kinda injured that day. There were bruises all over his body. I asked him what’s wrong, was it domestic violence or… haha…”

……

………….

Oh, ok, so it was _that_ day. Seungyoun now knows the context. The night before that day, he did something horrible to Wooseok. He beat him, locked him in the closet, and… Seungyoun can’t even allow himself to recall that night anymore. All he knows is that he was being a total jerk that night. He acted like an abuser. He was terrible. He was no different from those who sexually assaulted Wooseok ten years ago… Now he can’t imagine Wooseok’s horror and pain that night. And worse, there is no way that he can compensate Wooseok…

“Hey, Seungyoun, are you ok?” Jinhyuk snaps his fingers to pull Seungyoun back to reality because even he is a little shocked by Seungyoun’s terribly pale face.

“Why are you telling me this?” Seungyoun asks Jinhyuk coldly.

“Maybe because I want to let you know that you are not the right person for him.” Jinhyuk smirks, “But, I had my share of being an ass, too. I dumped him first because I was bored and wanted to date women. But after all these years, I suddenly feel that maybe I still love him. I keep thinking about our past. He was such a sweet boyfriend. Pretty, pure, cute, even when he was mad, he was still cute… Otherwise why do you think I keep making him angry? Of course I was on purpose… Ahaha, oh and I assume you already know that even though he’s all soft and cute, he’s quite shameless in bed…”

Jinhyuk didn’t even finish his brag when Seungyoun’s furious fist punched him right on the left cheek.

When a 183cm man hit a 185cm man, the scene is no joke. Unprepared, Jinhyuk was falling from the chair and hit the floor loudly. The chair slides away and hits the French window, and Jinhyuk realizes that a corner of his lips is bleeding.

“Don’t say it like he’s your thing!” Seungyoun shouts at Jinhyuk. His fist also hurts from hitting Jinhyuk just now. Imagine the power and hatred in it. Seungyoun is actually shaking. He hit Jinhyuk not just because this jerk said something to humiliate Wooseok, but also because he was disappointed about himself, for not being more caring, for his love.

Jinhyuk wipes the blood on his lips and stares at the floor. It seems that he doesn’t want to fight back. And Seungyoun, now looks away, thinks to himself that he shouldn’t have used violence. He doesn’t even remember when was the last time he punched someone.

“It’s ok, punch me to vent your anger and frustration.” Jinhyuk pretends to be chill.

“I’m not gonna apologize to you, so you’d better leave my studio right now,” Seungyoun utters emotionlessly.

Jinhyuk stands up from the floor, pats his pants, and then walks past Seungyoun with his chin lift up high: “I didn’t come here to ask you to make music, you knew it, right?”


	28. Chapter 28

Seungyoun locked the studio door after Jinhyuk left to prevent his boss from coming in and asking stuff. Indeed, Mr. Kang came two times after Jinhyuk left, Seungyoun only told him behind the door that, “No, I won’t work for him.”

Seungyoun looks out of the window, it is still Spring --the most beautiful season in Seoul--however, his mind is so gloomy. He knows that Jinhyuk wouldn’t lie about Wooseok’s past; no one would be that heartless to make up a story about someone being sexually abused as a teenager. So the fact that he only knew about it from Jinhyuk makes him feel all kinds of complications. He blames himself for not paying enough attention to Wooseok’s mental health. Even though he noticed his depression and sent him to the doctor, he didn’t spend more time being helpful to his recovery. Instead, he has been adding more pressure to Wooseok, making him anxious, and hurting him… He cannot imagine being hurt like that at the age of 16 and how to live with it afterward and become a healthy adult. He wonders if every time Wooseok woke up in the middle of night, it was because this past was haunting him, and making him cry. 

Seungyoun’s heart hurts badly just by imagining Wooseok’s pain, so he calls him. However, it takes four calls before Wooseok finally picks up.

“What’s wrong, Seungyounie? I’m in a meeting.” Wooseok answers in low voice. He had to leave the meeting room to answer this call since it’s been vibrating forever.

Seungyoun feels like home the moment he hears Wooseok’s voice. However, he also suddenly forgets the reason for calling him. Or maybe, he just wanted to hear his voice.

“What happened? Why are you not talking?” Wooseok feels the silence on the other side and it makes him worried.

“No, nothing… I love you, Wooseokie. I love you so much,” Seungyoun says to the phone.

“That’s it? That’s why you are calling me now?” Wooseok is fluttered but also, confused.

“Yea, I miss you. I miss my princess already.”

Wooseok giggles, “I love you and miss you, too. I’ll see you later at home.”

“How about I come to pick you up? I’m coming now and I’ll be waiting at the same place.”

Wooseok walks back to the meeting room with a huge smile on his face. Although Jinhyuk's tweet angered him and the journalists waiting outside this morning scared him, now he is totally fine due to Seungyoun’s sweet call. He finds Seungyoun really cute, especially when he suddenly becomes needy for no reason, like just now.

Seungyoun leaves his studio and drives to T Media’s building. He seldom comes here because Wooseok’s schedule could be anywhere, but today, he has the urge to come and pick “his princess” up. He needs to make sure that Wooseok is safe and sound.

“I’ll be done in ten minutes. Are you here already?” Wooseok sends a message to Seungyoun after the meeting. Then his manager comes, “I’ll drive you home. I’m afraid the journalists will block you again.”

“No, you don’t have to. I’m fine.” Wooseok waves his phone and says jokingly, “If someone asks me again, I’ll say this is my boyfriend.”

“Who? What?” The manager looks puzzled.

“Seungyoun, of course. But don’t worry. I won’t tell anyone.” Wooseok looks genuinely excited. But then he remembers and asks, “Also, do we need to release a statement about Jinhyuk and me?”

“Not now. As long as he’s quiet from now on, I think people will forget about it,” Manager Choi still seems chill about this case.

Wooseok nods and then runs toward the elevator. Manager Choi is relieved to see him becoming happy and carefree again, but inside his heart, he also has an uneasy and anxious feeling.

Wooseok looks around before running across the backstreet and finds Seungyoun’s car. The moment he gets in, he immediately surrounds Seungyoun’s neck and gives him a kiss. Seungyoun is terrified, and Wooseok laughs at him, “It’s ok. No one is around.”

Seungyoun sighs, “How’s everything today?”

Wooseok is fastening his safety belt, and when he hears the question, he recalls the hectic morning. He manages to answer casually, “Jinhyuk posted something on his twitter this morning, and then there were some journalists trying to interview me… But no worries, nothing serious.”

“What tweet?” Seungyoun is about to start the car but then he stops because of this new information. He then grabs his smartphone and is about to open that bird app.

“Wait, really, it’s nothing!” Wooseok quickly presses his hand, “He just posted an old photo… and people got curious…” Wooseok doesn’t feel like continue as he realizes how much he doesn’t want Seungyoun to know more or see that photo. But of course, he will eventually see it... Wooseok curses Jinhyuk internally: Damn you Lee Jinhyuk! What if Seungyoun becomes mad at me again after seeing it?

However, Seungyoun actually releases his phone and says, “Ok, I’m not gonna check.” He can probably tell what kind of tweet Jinhyuk had posted based on Wooseok’s reaction, and then he decides to not ruin the current atmosphere between them.

“Really?” Wooseok seems surprised.

“Yea. It’s not important, after all.” Seungyoun then starts the car again. While on the road, he thinks about whether to tell Wooseok that he actually met Jinhyuk today. But knowing that Jinhyuk has been posting controversial tweets and going to annoy him on the same day already, he wonders if Jinhyuk is setting something up. To avoid more worries and drama, he decides to keep it from Wooseok.

“How about you? What did you do at the company today?” Wooseok then asks.

“I just… went to greet the boss. And he actually renovated my studio so it looks quite nice now. I may go there to make music more often.”

“That’s so nice of him,” Wooseok comments, “And it’s good to change a working environment. It may give you more inspiration so that you can work on my next album. Hehe.”

Seungyoun still doesn’t have the confidence to promise Wooseok that he can be a good help for his next album, so he just nods and smiles to dodge the topic.

And when he stops at a red light, Wooseok suddenly rests his head on his shoulder and murmurs, “Why did you call me this afternoon? Did you really miss me that much? I thought something big happened…”

 _Something big…_ Seungyoun chews on the words, and suddenly, the “dark past” of Wooseok comes back to him. He feels the weight of Wooseok’s head on his shoulder, and can't help but imagine how some bastards hurt him before… How could they do that? How could they hurt my baby? My angel? Seungyoun feels like there's a volcano in his heart that's about to erupt, and before he knows, he has unconsciously made an abrupt break in the middle of the road.

Wooseok almost breaks his neck due to the sudden stop, and the car behind them also honks impatiently. Wooseok stares at Seungyoun in shock, “Seungyounie? Are you ok? What happened?

“You are my ‘something big’! Ok? Nothing is more important than you! I’m fine. I’m totally fine. But can you care more about yourself?” Seungyoun almost shouts at Wooseok.

Wooseok is stunned. He has no idea why Seungyoun suddenly scolds him. He curls back to the corner of the seat, and then he notices that there are tears in Seungyoun’s eyes.

“Seungyounie… what happened… did I do something wrong again…” He asks carefully.

Seungyoun can’t believe Wooseok is still worrying about him at this moment. The more Wooseok cares about him instead of himself, the more Seungyoun's heart aches. He can’t just mention Wooseok's "dark past" now because that will hurt Wooseok more, but then, what can he do? How can he take care of Wooseok and tell him that he cares? He parks the car on the side of the road and slumps over the steering wheel.

Wooseok observes Seungyoun for another few seconds and finally taps on his back, “I can tell, dear, there’s something wrong with you. So tell me, what happened today?”

“Nothing, really. I’m sorry I scolded you. I just thought… I thought you are too good…” Seungyoun answers quite illogically. 

Wooseok is not angry at him at all. He smiles and says, “Sure, I know I’m a good person. You should be grateful that you have me as your boyfriend.” He then pauses, and says hesitantly, “Well, if you want to call me ‘princess’… you can… but only when there are no other people.” He says this just to comfort Seungyoun’s intense temper.

Seungyoun almost cried just now, but hearing Wooseok allowing him to say “princess,” he can’t help but grins. He then looks at Wooseok lovingly, “My princess is so brave, so strong. Do I even deserve you?”

“You know, sometimes I really don’t understand you,” Wooseok pouts after seeing Seungyoun’s getting back to normal. But then he rubs Seungyoun’s hair and says, “I only want you. So don't ever say that again. We both deserve each other.”

“I can’t protect you. I can’t even make a new song for you…” Seungyoun murmurs, but then he immediately regrets because isn’t this going to add more pressure to Wooseok again? He hates himself for revealing his weakness to Wooseok so easily, while Wooseok has been keeping the pains to himself all this time. 

“We should all protect ourselves well. Seungyoun. Just protect yourself first, because that also means protecting me.” Wooseok whispers slowly and gently, “Only when you protect yourself well can you always be by my side, right? And that’s all I want from you.”

_How much pain have you endured when I was not by your side?_ Seungyoun wanted to ask, but then he swallows it in because Wooseok’s words are too strong, too moving, that they make him feel small, but also proud. He, Cho Seungyoun, does have the bravest princess in the world, a princess that can protect "his" prince.

“I’ll never leave you, unless you dump me first,” Seungyoun finally says, and then he leans closer to Wooseok and gives him a hug.

“Hey…” Wooseok protests because he finds Seungyoun is being extra clingy today. He struggles inside his chest and says, “I won’t. I won’t dump you. Why are you like a baby today? And we are still on the street, I don’t even know if you can park here…”

Maybe in an ideal relationship, both parties are like babies: happy, relaxed, and carefree.

That evening, they cook dinner together. It may sound weird since Wooseok doesn’t really know how to cook, but he insists on making a dish that he learned from that damned cooking variety show. And it turns out great.

It’s rare that they can have dinner together, so both of them eat a lot. Finally, Wooseok pats his tummy and says, “Gosh, I’m so full I look like I’m pregnant.”

“Silly,” Seungyoun watches him being ridiculous and smiles adoringly.

“Do you want to become a dad?” Wooseok suddenly asks.

 _Wait What?_ Seungyoun is shocked to receive a question like this. He hasn’t even been ready to talk about marriage, and now they are talking about kids?

“Haha, you are blushing,” Wooseok laughs at the panicked Seungyoun, “But I think all men want to be a dad. I want to be one.”

“I didn’t blush!” Seungyoun argues, “You are not behaving well, princess!”

“Well, let’s just do one thing at a time. Let’s get married first, and then have kids. We’ll figure out how to have them though,” Wooseok seems like he’s falling into his own fantasy, “I think I’ll be a dad who spoils his kids too much. I’ll give the entire world to them. I’ll make sure they grow up happily and safely. I’ll be with them all the time and never make them feel lonely… And no one shall hurt them just because they are as beautiful as me.” He giggles when he says the last sentence. Apparently, he knows he’s been too “shameless.”

However, Seungyoun on the other side of the table looks all serious. He realizes that all of Wooseok’s insecurity and fear are in these tiny but sincere wishes. He grew up lacking these things, so he will never let his kids experience the same. 

Seungyoun murmurs, “Yea, they will grow up safely. No one will hurt them.”

“Hey, how come you look more determined than I do? Then how about marrying me, quickly!” Wooseok jokes.

“Let’s get married when I produce another successful album for you,” Seungyoun suddenly offers.

“Really? Are you serious?” Wooseok is beyond surprise since Seungyoun has finally come up with a clearer plan…

Seungyoun nods.

And the next thing he knows, Wooseok almost jumps out of his chair and comes to hug him firmly.

“Then let’s go make a baby tonight,” the smaller whispers to his ear.

Thus, they spent a passionate night together, and the next morning, Wooseok is woken up by a call.

“Who’s this?” Wooseok answers the phone with a cracked voice.

“Wooseok! Are you up? Big trouble! Big big trouble!” Of course, it’s his manager screaming.

“Come on, aljussi. Can you calm yourself down?” Wooseok frowns and leans on Seungyoun’s arm beside him.

“Wake up! This is really serious!!! We need to publish a statement now!!! Are you home??? I’m coming up!!!!”

“Wait, no…” Wooseok whines with his eyes still closed, “I’m in bed with Seungyoun, why are you coming up?”

“Someone leaked the photos which I asked the media to delete a while ago. It was from the night when Jinhyuk drove you home after that director’s birthday party! Remember? And now the netizens are saying these photos can prove that you two are dating!!!”

“WHAT?” Wooseok finally wakes up, in shock. He shoves the comforter away and realizes that he and Seungyoun are not even wearing anything right now… But that’s not the point.

“Yea! See! Big trouble! Anyway, how about you come down now and we go to the company and have a meeting?”

“Ok, yes, I’m coming.” Wooseok is more than awake now. He quickly grabs some clothes from the closet and wears them on sloppily. And then, he finds that Seungyoun is staring at him perplexingly in bed.

“What happened, princess?” Seungyoun asks.

“Seungyoun, promise me, whatever they say online, don’t believe in anything! I love you. I love you. I love you.” Wooseok repeats it three times and runs to the bedside to give Seungyoun a kiss, then runs out of the room.

Seungyoun seldom sees Wooseok being this anxious and alerted. He knows something serious might have happened, but how bad could it be? He wants to get up too, but suddenly, a chill from nowhere hits his body. He can’t move, and for some reason, an indescribable fear rises up in his heart. 


	29. Chapter 29

Manager Choi passes his phone to Wooseok when he gets in the car. On the screen, there’s the headline: “Exclusive: Kim Wooseok and Lee Jinhyuk Dating Confirmed?” Under the headline there are several photos. Wooseok recognizes the first one, which must be from the night when Jinhyuk drove him home after the director’s birthday party. They seem like they were hugging in this photo but it is just because of the angle. However, Wooseok is more shocked by the other photos, because they are actually screenshots from security camera footage. They captured the day when Jinhyuk went to his apartment. Based on the “story” told by the screenshots, Jinhyuk used a card to open Wooseok’s door, and after an hour, Jinhyuk left. And then Wooseok came out after a few minutes wearing sloppy clothes to get a package from the delivery man at the door. So, even though their friendship basically died that day, it appears on the photos that Jinhyuk spent an hour doing god-knows-what with Wooseok at his apartment. 

However, instead of worrying about the media’s misinterpretation of these photos, Wooseok is more worried about the questions: who hacked the security camera on his floor? stole the footage? and spread the screenshots? Is this the same person who took the photos with him and Jinhyuk in the car?

A chill runs up his spine, to the point that his hand starts to tremble. He thought this apartment is safe with the security guards and all kinds of anti-theft nets, but why was he still captured by the paparazzi? sasaeng? Or even people living in the same building? He’s already an idol living under the spotlight, and now his private time and private space are being infiltrated, too? Wait, what if their home is also been surveyed by those crazy people? What if someone knows that he and Seungyoun are living together? What if they already have proof like these video footage and will expose them in no time?

These thoughts keep coming to Wooseok’s head and make his heart racing. Manager Choi is driving but he can feel how tense Wooseok has become. He pats Wooseok’s shoulder and says, “Don’t be afraid. We will call the police when we arrive at the company. We’ll go through legal procedures this time.”

“It shouldn’t be Jinhyuk who did this, right?” Wooseok suddenly asks, “I’ll kill him if he did it."

“No, no-no. Can't be him.” Manager Choi is scared by Wooseok’s serious tone, “Those were illegal actions, Jinhyuk wouldn’t do that. We both know.”

“Anyway I’m calling him.” Wooseok dials Jinhyuk’s number. However, no one answers the phone. “Darn it, where did he go?” Wooseok curses and throws the phone away.

“Don’t do anything stupid now,” manager Choi pats Wooseok again, “The photos of you two in the car was taken by a notorious paparazzi. I knew who he was, that’s why I stopped him from revealing them at first. But the second time… well it was my fault to give Jinhyuk your apartment card, but I really don’t know who would hack into the security camera… My guess is sasaeng, so let’s call the police later.” Manager Choi says calmly, but he also knows that this kind of thing can never be fully solved in this country. The police may come and investigate, but the sasaengs will always be there, or appear one after another…

But Wooseok is still frozen in the seat. If the media somehow finds out that he lives with Seungyoun, or discovers his past relationship with Jinhyuk, either way, the three of them will all be in trouble. They will become the main characters in dramatic scandals that feed people’s gossips; their careers will be ruined; and basically, they are all doomed.

Unsurprisingly, there are already journalists waiting outside the T Media building when they arrive. Manager Choi covers Wooseok and protects him to go into the building. It’s just a 50-meter walk from the parking lot to the building, yet Wooseok has already heard numerous questions from the journalists:

“Are you and Lee Jinhyuk dating?”

“Did you guys start the relationship when you were in the same group?”

“How do you want to explain to your fans?”

“……”

Wooseok lets out a deep sigh when he finally enters the elevator. He then calls Jinhyuk again. This time, someone answers the phone.

“I’m Jinhyuk’s manager. He’s in a filming session now.”

“Oh… is this Mr. Park? How are you? Could you please ask him to call me back when he’s done? I have an emergency to discuss with him.” Wooseok says politely.

However, Mr. Park on the other side of the phone remains quiet for a few seconds. It feels as if he already knows what this “emergency” is about. So when Mr. Park speaks to the phone again, he sounds quite knowingly and sternly, “Wooseok-ah, I know you must be panicking over the headlines today, but our attitude is to not answer or explain anything to the media. You probably will think we are selfish, but isn’t this something normal for you? Can you just bear with the media for a while and wait for it to fade?”

The elevator opens. But Wooseok is stunned and doesn't go out.

 _Something normal for you.--_ The words from Mr. Park lingers in his head.

Well, yea. When Wooseok and Jinhyuk were dating back in the days, they were on the headline once. It was when some sasaengs followed the group to a restaurant, and secretly captured them kissing, or at least it seemed like it on the photos, no one really remembered. This case was eventually solved by other members, who told the media that they were just playing a game together after dinner.

“Wooseok-ah, although it is not my business to manage you, I am, after all, your superior, and I’m even your manager’s hyung, so I want to teach you something for your own good.” Mr. Park is still on the phone with Wooseok, he continues, “Actually, shouldn’t you be taking most responsibility this time? When you and Jinhyuk were dating, the whole company was trying to cover up for you guys. It was not even our responsibility, right? I know you are dating some guy right now. Don’t you think you are too willful as a professional idol? Are you really that eager and needy? There may be a day when the company cannot even help you, have you ever thought about it? And have you thought about how you have already affected many other people’s lives?”

Mr. Park keeps “educating” Wooseok and at one point, Wooseok cannot hear anything…

“Ok, yes. I’m so sorry, Mr. Park. It was all my fault.” Wooseok only remembers he said this before hanging up the phone. He is in the elevator the whole time. And when the call finally ends, he can’t help but squats down and cries.

It is always a terrible feeling to be educated by a senior or superior. But for some reason, being scolded by Mr. Park hurts more than anything.

It was like a wake-up call. Wooseok suddenly comes to the belief that he’s been hated by the whole company all this time. He blames himself for not noticing such an obvious thing earlier. Ok, it is true that he experienced a terrible sexual incident when he just joined the company, and that’s probably why people in the company all treated him nicely on the surface. But it’s been more than ten years since the incident and he shouldn’t be using his past to justify his selfishness anymore, right?

Wooseok feels so guilty, so hurtful. He also feels wronged but knows that Mr. Park was probably telling him the truth. He used to think that people all liked him, but as Mr. Park indicated, they were probably just trying to put up with him?

Further, he knew that as an idol he shouldn’t be dating in the first place, but because his manager has been spoiling him, he just enjoyed such freedom and believed that no one would mind… But now he realizes, that he is just a big annoying trouble to the company, and everyone just pretended to treat him nicely...

The elevator suddenly moves, it turns out someone has called it from the lobby. Wooseok hurriedly stands up and wipes his tears. And when the elevator arrives at the lobby, he runs out immediately. But the moment he reaches the company door, he sees the crowd of journalists are still waiting in the parking lot. He stops in terror, and just stands there.

Where should he go? Go to explain to the journalists? Go to apologize to all the superiors in the company? Go to apologize to his fans? Well, if truth be told, he is indeed a terrible idol. He deceived his fans, brought trouble to people around him, and even Jinhyuk… Jinhyuk had to take care of him for a long time because he was so useless…

Wooseok feels his body is getting heavy. He is still sobbing. The more he cries, the more he hates himself. But he just can’t help it.

And he also remembers that the reason he came to the company today was to call the police and draft an official statement to the public. However, now he thinks that it will just be him lying, lying, and lying.

Suddenly, Wooseok’s phone vibrates.

The call is from Jinhyuk.

Wait, what if it’s still Mr. Park? Has he not finished with his lecture? Wooseok is nervous, but he can’t ignore this call, so he finally answers.

“Wooseok? Wooseokie? Are you ok?” It is Jinhyuk’s voice, and he sounds genuinely worried.

Wooseok suddenly doesn’t know what to say. To be honest, he feels wronged, he feels sad. How silly! He was planning to call Jinhyuk and scold him this morning, but it turned out he has been scolded by Jinhyuk’s manager already… What a pathetic life.

“Say something, Wooseokie. I’m really worried about you! Did Mr. Park answer your call just now? I saw the calling history and I saw your name… Anyway, I know what’s been happening. And I want you to know that it was definitely not done by me. I swear to god I would never hurt you like that. You must trust me!”

Wooseok stays silent for a long time and finally lets out a light “em.” Yea, of course, Jinhyuk wouldn’t do something that terrible. He knew, but he just wanted to vent on someone.

“So are you ok? Are you crying?” Jinhyuk knows him too well, “Did Mr. Park say something that hurt you? Don’t take his words too personally, ok? You know his personality, he’s always like that.” Jinhyuk tries to comfort Wooseok.

However, his words actually made Wooseok feel more miserable. His tears are pouring down again. He realizes that he actually has so many things that he wants to vent on Jinhyuk right now, such as telling him Mr. Park was so mean, so ruthless. He also wants to ask Jinhyuk why he posted their old photos and those misleading tweets in the first place to make the media become interested in their relationship again. Although Jinhyuk has nothing to do with the leaked photos and screenshots, he still did all those ugly things to cause enough trouble for him… However, Wooseok ends up not saying anything, because he has totally been beaten up by Mr. Park’s candid "lecture." Maybe everything can be boiled down to his fault now, and he admits that, he is a terrible person.

“I’ll come to the company to see you after my work here. Can you wait for me?” Jinhyuk asks on the phone.

 _What the hell, Jinhyuk! Why are you acting so gentle and kind now?_ Wooseok screams internally. But since he keeps crying and can’t say a word, he hangs up the phone eventually.

And the nearby elevator “dings” again. This time, it is his aljussi who runs out in a hurry.

“Aigooo, Wooseok-ah. Why are you crying alone here?! I was looking for you all over the place!” Manager Choi hugs him and pats his back, “Don’t cry. It’s no big deal, ok? We’ll solve it. Let’s publish a statement saying that you and Jinhyuk have no relationship. And then I’ll ask some fans to post supportive messages for you. Don’t worry.”

Wooseok shakes his head.

“Why are you shaking your head? Come on, let’s go upstairs.” Manager Choi holds Wooseok's hand as if he’s a kid. But actually, he’s been taking care of Wooseok since Wooseok was 16. And throughout the years, his view of Wooseok has never really changed. Wooseok is forever a baby in his eyes.

“Aljussi, there will be more news being revealed, right? And then the whole country will know that I’m gay; I date man; I’m even living with a man right now; and I’ve been deceiving my fans for years… and then everyone will hate me, leave me, cancel me. And my career will end… So this is not the end, this is the beginning…” Wooseok blurts out all his thoughts, and his tears continue to run down on his beautiful face.

“Calm down, Wooseok. Don’t overthink. I just called the police and they will go to investigate your apartment building. They will find out who hacked the security camera.” Manager Choi tries to change the topic and shift Wooseok’s depressing thoughts.

But so what? Wooseok thinks. In today’s world, even if they find the culprit, that person may have already made numerous copies of the footage. And then the whole world will see his life… Wooseok can’t help but think about the worst-case scenario.

“Oh, that reminds me, I need to contact Seungyoun to tell him that the policemen are coming,” manager Choi says to himself.

“Let me call him.” Upon hearing the name “Seungyoun,” Wooseok suddenly reacts, “I just hope this won’t affect him, or his career…”

3pm. Jinhyuk comes back to the company. 

Wooseok has finally calmed down around this time, and he was drinking warm water in a conference room when the door was suddenly pushed open by Jinhyuk. Jinhyuk bangs the table and looks at Wooseok straight into his eyes, “Are you ok, Wooseokie?”

However, this question is so meaningless because he can see the red and swollen eyes of Wooseok, and the smaller looks all depressed and hopeless.

“So your manager wants me to also publish a statement explaining that we are not dating. I’ll do it. I’ll do it for you!” Jinhyuk says determinately. In fact, the moment he saw Wooseok in the room, the smaller's condition made him heartbroken and he felt like he'd do anything to make him happy again.

And this has finally made Wooseok’s eyes shimmer, “Are you sure?”

“Yes! I’ll do it. You’ve been harassed by the sasaengs and they even got into your apartment? This is horrible! This is more horrible than our ‘dating’ scandal. So I’ll explain everything to the public and then let’s focus on finding these bad people, ok? So have you called the police?” Jinhyuk utters restlessly.

Wooseok can see the sincerity in Jinhyuk’s eyes. He’s indeed so worried that it seems as if he’s more eager to find out the criminals than the victims themselves. And for some reason, Wooseok suddenly feels the younger Jinhyuk is coming back, the one who was not a “jerk” is coming back, the one who would always protect him before anyone else is coming back...

_No, no. I can’t forgive him yet._ Wooseok quickly shakes his head.

“Have you been affected by the news today?” Wooseok tries to act normal and asks Jinhyuk.

“I’m fine. There were some actors who asked about this in the morning though. I told them that I confessed to you, but got rejected.”

“What the???” Wooseok instantly holds up his hand and wants to hit Jinhyuk. _Never mind! He’s still a jerk! I shouldn’t be soft for him for even a second!!!_ Wooseok thinks. Indeed, it’s all because of him that the media started to become interested in them again. He's the trigger, he's the first culprit!

Seeing that Wooseok can still scold and even try to beat him, Jinhyuk laughs with a sense of relief. However, this makes Wooseok’s body frozen again.

_No, I don’t want to rely on him anymore. I don’t want to be this willful and irresponsible. I don’t want to blame others first when something happens… Mr. Park was right. I’ve been causing too much trouble to people around me… it’s all my fault…_

“So you are not going to beat me, huh?” Jinhyuk suddenly grabs Wooseok’s wrist teasingly. He then says, “Relax. I will publish a statement to say we are not dating. I promise. But, when I told you that I wanted to pursue you again, I was serious.”

“Stop! There’s no chance. I love Cho Seungyoun. I love him.” Wooseok pulls his hand out of Jinhyuk's grasp.

_But is my love for Seungyoun also too selfish, and draining him?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Jinhyuk is no longer a threat now. 😌


	30. Chapter 30

Since Seungyoun was pushed back to bed by Wooseok in the morning, he didn’t check social media until Wooseok left. And of course, when he got online, he immediately saw the “breaking news” of Wooseok and Jinhyuk “confirmed dating,” as well as those very problematic photos and screenshots from the security camera footage.

“No wonder he asked me to never believe what people say online,” Seungyoun sighs.

Of course, he would not believe in this. The first photo was clearly a visual misconception, and he also knew from Jinhyuk himself that he came to their home when Wooseok was alone the other day. Seungyoun can forgive Wooseok for this, especially after he punched Jinhyuk in the face already.

Seungyoun is also more concerned about the security camera being hacked because this could mean that someone has also known that Wooseok is living with him. In fact, Seungyoun also wondered if it was done by Jinhyuk, but he quickly canceled this thought because it would be too much. Jinhyuk is annoying but he wouldn’t have the time and energy to do such a thing. Seungyoun then thought about calling Wooseok; however, Wooseok must already be handling this in the company. Seungyoun walks around the living room for a few minutes and finally decides to just wait and let the professionals deal with this issue. Meanwhile, he keeps looking at the comments online. There are mainly two kinds of voices. Some people are not surprised and are even happy that Wooseok and Jinhyuk are “officially together” because there have been rumors of them for years. But other people, well, most people, are outrageous about the news. Besides being shocked about their sexual orientation, some people even say that they are “disgusting” for being gays. And for some reason, there are way more attacks on Wooseok than Jinhyuk. Seungyoun thinks it’s probably because Jinhyuk has been dating female celebrities these years. However, Wooseok has never had dating scandals with women, and he is known to be this “beautiful” male idol, so it’s more likely that people will believe that he is actually gay. But since Wooseok has also been projecting himself as the “national first love” kind of man, news like this is definitely unacceptable for many of his female fans.

The doorbell suddenly sounds. Seungyoun opens the door and sees two policemen. He is not super surprised since he has expected Wooseok’s manager to call the police. The policemen inspect the house and ask him some basic questions such as “have you seen suspicious people around the area recently” or “has anything been stolen at home?” Then they leave for the security office to check on the videos.

After the policemen leave, Seungyoun immediately calls Manager Choi. The manager answers the phone quickly: “Ah, Seungyoun-ah. I was just about to contact you. I was gonna tell you that there will be policemen coming to your place.”

Wooseok is still standing beside him, because he was about to call Seungyoun just now, but Seungyoun actually called in first.

“Yea, they came, and already left.” Seungyoun answers, “How’s everything there? Do you need my help with anything?”

Suddenly, Wooseok takes the phone from his manager, “Seungyounie…” He whines.

“Babe, are you ok? Do you want me to come and stay with you?” Seungyoun hears his baby's crying voice and is genuinely worried.

“It’s ok," Wooseok sniffs, "We will publish a statement this afternoon, and then I’ll come home. Can you just wait for me at home? Don’t go out. See you later.” Wooseok hangs up the phone quickly because if he hears Seungyoun’s voice more he’ll probably cry again.

When Seungyoun hears him saying “don’t go out,” he somehow understands that Wooseok is afraid that there will still be stalkers or hackers seeing him via some unknown methods. It's normal to be paranoid at this time. 

At 4pm, two statements from T Media start to circulate online. The content is basically clarifying that Lee Jinhyuk and Kim Wooseok are just former teammates and now colleagues, and the company will take legal actions to find out who took the photos and hacked into the security cameras. In addition, on Jinhyuk’s statement, he explained that his earlier tweets were just him kidding with his good friend Wooseok, and now he is in deep self-reflection and is sincerely sorry for causing all the misunderstandings and troubles to the public.

Very diplomatic. But it’s better than nothing.

About an hour later, manager Choi sends Wooseok home safely.

“Thank you. You must be very busy and tired at the company today,” Seungyoun holds Wooseok’s shoulder while speaking to the manager.

Manager Choi suddenly looks a little uneasy. Seungyoun is confused and Wooseok in his arms is not saying anything. Finally, manager Choi utters, “Could you please… be more careful recently? Don’t go out that much, and don’t go out together… you know, something like that…”

Indeed, they have just handled the case, if people find out that Wooseok is living with another man, it will be another hell for the company.

Seungyoun nods, and sees the manager off.

“Let me see your face,” after they close the door, Seungyoun cups Wooseok’s face.

Wooseok’s eyes are swollen and terribly red. He looks at Seungyoun like a poor rabbit.

“Poor babe, don’t cry, ok? The company can usually handle this kind of thing well, right?” Seungyoun pinches his face and says lovingly.

Wooseok doesn’t respond. He doesn’t want to tell Seungyoun that the reason he cried a lot today was not because of the scandal per se, but that he was blamed harshly by Jinhyuk’s manager.

“Why are you pouting now?” Seungyoun presses a quick kiss on Wooseok’s lips. However, Wooseok looks away. He feels tired, no, exhausted. And just now when he looked into Seungyoun’s eyes, he suddenly recalled Mr. Park's hurting words: “I know you are dating some guy right now… Are you really that eager and needy?” He is still angry and sad by these words, but how can he tell Seungyoun? It will only make Wooseok feel powerless and hate himself more.

“We are fine. The police came today and checked our rooms. Nothing suspicious. They also turned off the security camera on this floor for now.” Seungyoun comforts Wooseok with another quick kiss on his lips.

And Wooseok dodges by turning his head sideways.

“Hey princess, you are so hard to please today, huh?” Seungyoun smiles fondly and rubs Wooseok’s hair, “I mean, even Jinhyuk published a statement, so you don’t have to worry anymore.”

“I—” Wooseok finally speaks, but the moment he said the first word, he couldn’t help but cries again. He feels so wronged and that no one will understand him.

“There, there.” Seungyoun now hugs him firmly, his gentle and soothing voice caresses Wooseok’s small body, making the younger actually feel sadder, more vulnerable. Oh, he loves this man so much. He is about to melt in his embrace.

“Seungyounie, am I really annoying?” Wooseok utters after he calms down.

“What? No! Who dares to think our princess is annoying?” Seungyoun pretends to be mad.

“Don’t say this… don’t try to make me feel happy. I know many people hate me…” Wooseok doesn’t buy into Seungyoun’s compliments this time, which is rare.

“Ok, but this is normal for an idol, right? Most people like you, but there are also people who don’t like you… maybe they are jealous of you.” Seungyoun says.

“You know,” Wooseok continues coldly, “I seldom search my name online because I don’t want to see negative comments about me. I don’t want to know." It is true. This is how he maintains a positive and optimistic attitude throughout the years. If he doesn’t search, haters don't exist.

Seungyoun doesn’t answer him right away because he understands. This is something that a celebrity needs to learn to live with, but Wooseok chooses to escape. He chooses to be a preserved rose in a glass vase, never grow old, never fade away. It is always there in the perfect form for people to appreciate. However, once there is a crack on the vase, the well-preserved rose will face more damage than the regular ones.

But—

“You have your reasons. You can be like this,” Seungyoun says.

Wooseok is a little surprised by his words. He knows that he’s been spoiled by many people throughout the years, so he expected Seungyoun to tell him to grow up or something. However, why is he showing empathy and understanding?

Meanwhile for Seungyoun, Wooseok has an ample amount of reasons to be a willful princess, because he has been hurt when he was at a fragile age. He was hurt by the darkest side of the world when he was still a teenager. So the world owns him, and he is totally fine to choose to escape and be the most beautiful rose in the safe and transparent vase.

And he, Seungyoun, will forever protect this unique flower, the love of his life.

“You are spoiling me, Seungyoun. I’m not worthy of it. I will make you tired,” Wooseok cuddles in Seungyoun’s chest. They are still holding each other in the narrow doorway. The room is getting dark as the dusk falls, just like Wooseok’s broken heart, which feels like it is gradually losing its bright color.

“But you just said you would never dump me two days ago,” Seungyoun senses Wooseok’s depression in his tone, so he holds him closer and tighter and reminds him of the promise.

Nevertheless, this time Wooseok breaks away from him and pushes on his chest. He then looks up at Seungyoun with his shaky eyes: “Seungyoun, you know how much this world hates me?”

_Please don’t say it. Wooseok, don’t tell me about it. I know. I know it already._

\--For some reason, Seungyoun suddenly understands what Wooseok is trying to say, and this makes him anxious. He doesn’t want Wooseok to peel off his skin and show him his worst memory.

However, Wooseok’s fingers slowly slide down Seungyoun’s body and so are his eyes. After a few silent seconds, he almost mumbles to himself: “They wanted to destroy me from the beginning… Ten years ago, people were already hating me that much… They shouted at me, scolded me, laughed at me, hurt me, insulted me, penetrated me… They used a knife to cut through my face… They left me naked in the muds… Seungyounie, see, I was _this_ annoying to them! How come I later forgot about this and saw myself as a lovable idol… How funny, how ridiculous is this? Am I a joke? I am, right? I had such a dirty past and I was still being so willful and selfish in the company, no wonder people hated me, no, they still hate me…”

_Stop, Wooseok. Please, stop…_

But Wooseok keeps talking, “Jinhyuk approached me because he thought I was too pathetic. And then, I was like a dog wiggling my tail to him because I was scared… I was scared that no one would help me…” Wooseok falls on the wall, looking hopeless. He then smiles bitterly and continues, “It’s strange, really, really strange. How did I forget about all this? So that’s why he would threaten me. He was the only one besides the heads of the company that knew my secret, so he could do whatever he want… huh?”

“Wooseok! Stop! Don’t say anything anymore!!!” Seungyoun finally screams out, “Please stop hurting yourself like this! I know all this already and I still love you. I will always love you. I will never leave you!”

Wooseok slowly looks up at Seungyoun’s agitated face. And then just like this, they look into each other’s teary eyes, neither of them speaks another word.

And when the doorway becomes so dark that they can’t see each other’s face anymore, Wooseok suddenly laughs, but desperately, hurtfully, “Thank you, Seungyounie. But, you will never understand…”

He then runs into the bedroom alone, leaving Seungyoun stunned in the same place.

Who opened the Pandora’s box this time, really?

Seungyoun then also runs to the bedroom, but Wooseok has already locked the door. He punches the door and shouts, “Don’t do anything stupid, Wooseok! Can you hear me??”

“It’s ok. I’m fine. I just want to be alone for a while…” Wooseok answers. He then murmurs, “I’m just… hating myself right now…”

Wooseok hugs himself in bed, but the next second he releases himself in terror as if he just had an electric shock. He then starts to hit himself, his legs. Yes, he remembers everything so clearly now. Those perpetrator’s awful voices, laughs, insults… He can recall the feelings he had in his own body back then. He hates his body, he wants to tear it into pieces.

_How come? How come I still use this body, this useless body, to work as someone under the spotlight to be loved?_

Seungyoun finally finds the master key in another room. He rushes back to the bedroom, inserts the key, but right before he twists it, he stops.

Because he can hear a dreadful cry inside the room, and the desperation and despair in the sound become a sharp knife, slashing his heart into pieces. But strangely, this feeling is also familiar… Seungyoun closes his eyes and recalls, oh, now he remembers, it feels like himself; it feels like those days when he wanted to kill himself over and over again because as he looked at the world moving day by day, he couldn’t find any meaning in it.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: This chapter has 🔞 and Seungyoun is (somewhat) the sub...

Seungyoun sits on the sofa and waits until the wailing from the bedroom stops. He then uses the master key to open the door and finds Wooseok has already fallen asleep due to the exhaustion of crying. He curls his small body and hugs a big pillow, a gesture that shows his insecurity.

Using “poor” to describe Wooseok is an understatement. In Seungyoun’s eyes, his “princess” is falling into pieces. Wooseok has questioned everything about himself, even denied his existence, and then, fell like a sleeping beauty, drowning into the dark.

When Seungyoun walks a little closer, Wooseok suddenly whines as if he could sense someone’s approaching. He intuitively grabs the pillow more tightly. Maybe he still wants to put his breaking pieces back together, Seungyoun wonders, but let's put it this way: once a glass vase is broken, it is impossible to restitute without cracks on it, right?

Seungyoun gets onto the bed, too. He just wants to stare at his baby, his princess, so that when Wooseok wakes up, he knows that he’s not alone.

People have really different expression of negative feelings. For Seungyoun, he would choose to stay quiet when he’s depressed, because there is just no meaning to say even a word. He would also choose to disappear from people and go somewhere that no one would find him. Meanwhile, Wooseok’s way of expression is more outwards. He would either become hysterical or have a mental breakdown. But when Seungyoun recalls the desperately crying Wooseok just now, he actually sensed some kind of familiar aura of “meaningless” and “give up.” And that made him nervous. Because he knows too well that when there is not even a “rival” in mind, there will only be self-hatred and tiredness left, and that’s more dangerous than a visible venting of emotion. He sighs and gently pats Wooseok’s forehead. Childhood trauma is the worst thing for a person. Wooseok has been working hard to overcome it in the past ten years, but he’s not a saint, he is still living with it.

Suddenly, Seungyoun receives a text message, it is from manager Choi.

“Seungyoun-ah, I know Wooseok must be having a bad time now, so I’m texting you instead. Please tell him to not come to the company in the following days, just rest at home. It’s quite a mess here.” Manager Choi then sends two photos, one with tons of journalists outside the T Media building, another one is a group of fans protesting outside the company by sitting in silence.

Seungyoun gets curious so he searches online, and unsurprisingly, the discourses of fans have actually become crazier after the official statements were out. Some people are saying that the statements were too generic and meaningless since there was no mentioning of the artists’ safety, so they want the company to be firmer to declare its attitude towards saesengs and strengthen the security around Wooseok and Jinhyuk. However, there are also people who simply posted hate messages, asking Wooseok and Jinhyuk to hold a press conference to apologize to the fans, and even leave the entertainment industry…

Seungyoun sighs heavily. It is so hard to please and satisfy fans nowadays, because many not only want to consume the idols like products but also want to interfere with their lives. Seungyoun has been scouted when he was younger, but he’s glad that he eventually chose to remain in the back of the stage. But still, he can’t imagine how much pressure Wooseok is facing right now. Although sometimes Seungyoun would joke that Wooseok has “princess syndrome,” he knows full well that Wooseok is a very strong, brave, and stubborn person who would not give up easily. Having _that_ tragic history also makes Wooseok lack a sense of safety, so being an idol, to some extent, has actually helped him gain confidence and love. However, the industry is, after all, a cruel and fragile place…

Seungyoun fell asleep while thinking about everything about Wooseok, and when he wakes up, he finds himself being hugged firmly by Wooseok from the back, making him almost breathless.

He tries to place Wooseok’s arm away to gain some air, and then he turns around and finds that the younger is actually awake, and stares at him quietly.

“Wooseok-ah,” Seungyoun gently calls his name.

Wooseok doesn’t answer.

“Babe?”

Still silent.

“Princess?”

And now Wooseok finally grins. He then cuddles inside Seungyoun’s chest and closes his eyes again.

“Are you feeling better after crying that hard?” Seungyoun pats him and asks.

“You are finally here…You know, you are always not in bed when I wake up…” Wooseok doesn’t answer him directly but complains. He then puts a quick kiss on Seungyoun’s check and says, “Are you gonna hate me? It seems that the whole world hates me. Do you also find my annoying sides?”

“What are you talking about? Don’t overthink. Your mind is very unstable now, so rest more, and clear your mind, ok?” Seungyoun says.

“I was thinking,” Wooseok continues regardless, “The idol Kim Wooseok, is that really ‘me’? Or this annoying and terrible person Kim Wooseok is the real ‘me’? You know, I start to find it meaningless that I’ve actually been escaping all this time. I always feel there are numerous people who hate me are chasing me, so I have to run, run faster, run to the most prominent place under the sun, so I’ll be safe, so no one will drag me to the dark side and assault me… Why did people hate me even when I was that young? Why did they hate me so much to the point that they wanted to destroy me? What did I do wrong?”

Seungyoun listens and his heart feels like it’s been cutting into pieces. He always think it is safe to be hiding in the dark, but to Wooseok, it is actually the bright side that makes him feel safer, that’s why he chooses to be an idol. They are so different, so opposite, but then, they are also like the perfectly matching pieces in a puzzle, complementing each other.

“Well, if there’s really an ‘annoying Kim Wooseok,’ then that must be a fake one. Only the one being loved by everyone is the one I know,” Seungyoun tries to shift his mood and comforts Wooseok.

“See, you are again lying to make me happy, right? Do you think I’ll believe you?” Wooseok pouts, but this time, his tone sounds better.

“Yes, you will,” Seungyoun kisses the tip of Wooseok’s nose, “My princess is never ‘annoying’ and will never be hated by people. If there are people who hate a Kim Wooseok, it must be another person with the same name.”

Wooseok smiles bitterly and Seungyoun catches that look. This is still not the “normal” Wooseok, but one that is tired, drained, and has little faith and trust in his words.

“Feeling insecure, wanting to be loved, yearning for someone to be by my side… Seungyoun, you know, I just realized that these are actually upsetting things to others,” Wooseok utters, while the words from Jinhyuk's manager return to his head.

“No way! If you don’t want me anymore, I’ll lose my reason to live,” Seungyoun almost shouts out. However, he immediately feels strange by his own words, because, in his memory, he has never expressed his love for Wooseok in such an extreme phrasing. But he is telling the truth from the bottom of his heart this time.

“So when you were in your worst state, did you think about death?” Wooseok suddenly asks emotionlessly.

Seungyoun pauses for a second, and then answers honestly, “Yes, I thought about it every day when I was severely depressed. I didn’t know what was the reason to be alive, so all I could think of was how to die.”

“Hmm… true… now I remember you would always say ‘die’ before… How about now? Do you want to be alive now because of me?”

“Yes! Isn’t it amazing? It’s just because of one person that I no longer want to commit suicide. I want to live my life with you,” Seungyoun says while twisting Wooseok’s hair.

“Emm... If I die, are you going to die with me then?”

Seungyoun’s hand suddenly freezes, he looks at Wooseok in surprise, but Wooseok doesn’t look at him in the eyes.

After a few seconds of silence, Seungyoun says: “I will. Of course, I will die for you and I can also die with you. I’ve said it many times.”

_Because there is really no meaning to be alive… it’s just because of you, that I suddenly feel a little reluctant to die._

Wooseok bursts into laughter, indicating that he was somehow joking, “Then I won’t die before you, because I don’t want you to die.” He suddenly sits on Seungyoun’s body and looks at him from above, then, he leans down, and kisses him.

"It’s so nice to be together, only the two of us," Wooseok nibbles on Seungyoun’s lower lip. Indeed, it feels like they are in a prison cell, and as long as they are together, it doesn’t matter if they are both facing a death penalty.

Wooseok uses his tongue to open Seungyoun’s mouth and then makes the inside a delightful mess. He is familiar with every inch of Seungyoun’s body as if it is part of his. But even so, he can still experience incredible pleasure whenever he owns this body. He feels excited and also safe. Maybe Seungyoun is his best medicine for him, not the antidepressants. Wooseok mesmerizes and then connects his body even closer to Seungyoun’s, caressing it, igniting it.

“You’re hard.” After a while, Wooseok pulls away and says.

“Isn’t it normal to be hard for you?” Seungyoun answers teasingly and grabs Wooseok’s nape, trying to pull him down and continue the kiss from just now. However, Wooseok rejects him harshly and then puts his finger on Seungyoun’s lips.

“Can I… can I fuck your mouth for once?” Wooseok suddenly proposes.

Seungyoun thinks he had a hallucination until Wooseok repeats himself. And then, to both of their surprise (?), Seungyoun looks away and says, “Yes, sure.”

“For real?” Wooseok is shocked but also visibly happy.

“Yea, as long as it can make you feel better. You know, I love you. I’d do everything for you.” Seungyoun says.

To be honest, Wooseok has no idea why he wants to do it, to fuck Seungyoun’s mouth. He has never done that and he has always been a good submissive. However, at this very moment, he wants to experience something totally different, something revolutionary. Maybe it’s because of his extreme stress, anyway, he’s doing it.

So Wooseok pulls down his pants while still sits on Seungyoun’s body. Meanwhile, Seungyoun calmly looks at Wooseok’s rising cock in front of him. It’s not a small size, and he has never been fucked in the mouth either so who knows what’s gonna happen next. But all he knows is that there is a thoughtful yet empty expression on Wooseok's face, and that makes him feel an indescribable sadness.

“Is this position ok? Or should we change to some other ways…” Wooseok asks cautiously.

“This way is fine,” Seungyoun answers lightly.

Now Wooseok sits up on Seungyoun’s body and holds the bedrail behind Seungyoun’s head. His shaft is ready in front of Seungyoun’s mouth even though Seungyoun doesn’t really want to look. However, when Seungyoun feels a somewhat unfamiliar touch on his lips, he finally surrenders and opens his mouth slowly.

In the beginning, Seungyoun only takes in 1/3 of Wooseok’s cock. It feels foreign, but kind of fun. He briefly licks it, not realizing that Wooseok is already ecstatic by this unexperienced feeling.

After a while when both of them are mentally accepting what is happening, Seungyoun holds Wooseok’s waist, indicating him to sit down a little more and inserting more of his manhood into his mouth. Wooseok does just that. Seungyoun then starts to curl his tongue and licks it faster and more fervently. He’s no expert, of course, but he does the way he himself wants to be treated, and the result seems fine since Wooseok is the one who starts to moan in satisfaction.

Seungyoun can feel Wooseok’s cock getting harder and expanding in his very mouth. He can feel the veins and shivers. This feels so weird but bearable. And the fact that Wooseok is now holding the bedrail tighter and buries his face in his arms makes himself unable to see Seungyoun’s face, which also makes the older more comfortable to “serve” during this rare opportunity. Seungyoun doesn’t feel awkward or shy at all now; instead, he starts to enjoy using his tongue to tease Wooseok, making him tremble at the top and moans.

“Ah…Ooh..… Youn… Younie…” Wooseok pants. He has no idea when was the last time someone devoured his cock like this, now he’s just purely surprised by the fact that Seungyoun is actually good at it. He tries to sit down more and slowly thrusts in Seungyoun’s mouth. But even just moving a tiny bit deeper, he is almost gonna explode in pleasure.

Then, Wooseok suddenly hears some moans from below his body too. He manages to look down at Seungyoun and, of course, sees something he’s never seen before. Seungyoun blushes furiously, his eyes are watery, and his head slightly tilts towards the back so that he could fully intake the length of Wooseok's cock. Wooseok is turned on even more by this scene, and he can’t help but thrusts harder and faster.

“Ngh…Ah….” Seungyoun feels the change of pace in his mouth and whines naturally. He throws his head more backward and his body also slightly arches. Wooseok doesn’t want to close his eyes because Seungyoun is so attractive this way, but then, he suddenly notices that there is a sense of fondness with pain in Seungyoun’s eyes. And that, makes his own heart ache. But there is no way back. Wooseok continues to ram Seungyoun’s mouth. His cock slides so smoothly in this newly found hole, so he automatically goes deeper and deeper until he hears Seungyoun’s gag… Ah… what a beautiful sound… Seungyoun holds the bedrail and reaches his ecstasy.

And without any warning, a splash of warmness is felt by Seungyoun’s tongue, followed by Wooseok’s apologetic voice, “Sorry, Seungyounie… I, I can’t hold it anymore…”

Oh so it was Wooseok’s cum… Seungyoun’s buzzing head tells himself. And the next thing he knows, Wooseok pulls his cock out, puts his hands on his chest, and breathes heavily. Meanwhile, he looks at Wooseok blankly and then swallows whatever he has in his mouth.

“No!! Don’t do that!!” Wooseok is so shocked but it is too late to stop him. He thus cups Seungyoun’s face and looks at him lovingly, “You don’t have to… Younie, you don’t have to…”

Seungyoun meets Wooseok’s eyes and sees an expression that he has never seen on him before… How to describe it? If one day for some reason he tries to himself but ends up waking up again, this would be the first thing he sees on Wooseok’s face: with blame, with hurt, with apology, and with love.

“You are silly! I didn’t ask you to swallow it! Now you are making me feel so bad!” Wooseok sighs and pats Seungyoun’s face lightly. He then looks away because he feels so shy after what just happened, and maybe a little regret, too.

Seungyoun smiles. He seizes Wooseok’s arms and pulls him down until the smaller fully lean on his body, “It’s ok, babe. I’d love to.”

Wooseok’s mouth happens to touch on Seungyoun’s neck, and he can even sense the beats in his artery. They are chaotic… so alive…

“So how was that? Did you enjoy it?” Once Seungyoun calms down, he holds Wooseok and asks him in a teasing voice.

“No,” Wooseok answers.

“Hey? Don’t tell me my efforts were in vain!” Seungyoun cries.

“No, I mean, it felt good, but… I’m not happy.”

“Why?”

“Because I thought maybe you were forcing yourself to do it for me… And I felt sorry that I took pleasure in it… Thank you, and I’m sorry, Seungyounie…”

Well, truth be told, it wasn’t really a “comfortable” experience for Seungyoun, but it wasn’t that bad either. He does not regret it because it was the first time that Wooseok requested something like that, and he even told him that he “took pleasure” in it just now.

“I said, I would do anything for you,” Seungyoun grins and pats Wooseok’s trembling back, “So don’t worry. Just tell me whatever you want. The things you love, you fear, you hate, just tell me, and I’ll accept everything about you, because I love you, ok?”

Wooseok nods silently. He closes his eyes again and decides to just enjoy the connection of their bodies, and hearts.


	32. Chapter 32

The next morning, Seungyoun receives a text from manager Choi, telling him that the police have identified the hacker, and it was indeed a sasaeng. The footages have all been deleted, and T Media will sue this girl next. Seungyoun feels relieved after knowing this. To him, it’s actually better to know that it was done by a sasaeng than some other kind of criminals because it’s easier to deal with a sasaeng, who’s usually just a young girl not knowing her limits. And after the lawsuit, they can probably have a safer and quieter life.

“How about the protestors sitting outside?” Out of curiosity, Seungyoun asks manager Choi on the phone.

“Well, let them be. As long as the sasaeng has been dealt with, it’s much easier for us in the company. And can you please stay with Wooseok a little more these days? I’m sure he needs you the most. I’ll try to get him back to work soon.”

Seungyoun hangs up the phone and wakes up Wooseok next to him. He tells him that the culprit has been caught and everything should be fine now. Wooseok doesn’t react to it much because in his mind, he is actually worried about something that’s much depressing, much darker. Whoever the culprit was, be it a sasaeng or Jinhyuk, they were just a trigger for him to recall his pathetic and dirty past that he had been trying so hard to escape, to forget.

He rolls to the other side of the bed, not looking at Seungyoun, and suddenly, he remembers what he did to him last night, and feels so complicated. He still doesn’t know why he wanted to do that to him. But after all, the corporal pleasure disappears after a night’s sleep, leaving him still confused and puzzled about his intention. Maybe he was unsatisfied, or maybe, he was tired… but tired of what?

_I love him. I love him._ Wooseok tells himself internally. This is the first time that he needs to remind himself of this, as if he will forget about it later.

Wooseok has a psychiatry appointment today, and Seungyoun drives him.

“I think the doctor will increase your dose this time. But don’t worry, it’s normal.” Seungyoun comforts Wooseok on the way.

“Ok,” Wooseok still doesn’t respond much. He looks outside of the window, and then looks down at his phone, not talking to Seungyoun anymore.

In fact, Wooseok still doesn’t trust his new psychiatrist, Dr. Yang, that much. For one thing, he was suddenly transferred to him by Seungyoun’s psychiatrist after a few sessions, which already made him a little suspicious. And for another, this much younger doctor somehow makes him uneasy because he always looked quite cool and unbothered. Wooseok didn’t tell Seungyoun about how Dr. Yang made him uncomfortable because he didn’t want to sound too picky. But every time he goes to his appointment, he would reserve something in mind instead of all-out sharing his thoughts and feelings. This also includes the case from ten years ago, he didn’t tell any doctor about it.

Dr. Yang immediately senses something’s not right with Wooseok this time, much worse than last time they met. He bites his pen and gazes at Wooseok who sits nervously across the small space, without saying a word.

And of course, Wooseok is having a mini panic attack due to such silence. He feels like Dr. Yang is testing him by observing him until he starts to talk first, so he tries to think of something. However, this only makes him more embarrassed, so he finally blurts out, “I… I feel quite strange lately.”

Dr. Yang suddenly seems so satisfied that he made Wooseok speak first, so his expression becomes milder and he leans forward a little bit and asks, “Oh really? Tell me more about it.”

“Everything was fine when we were in England… I, I forgot all my troubles and felt happy every day…” Wooseok says while holding a hugging pillow on the sofa. This is his habit, as well as his way of self-protection.

“Yet it got worse when you came back?” Dr. Yang asks.

“Well, yea… after we came back, something happened at work, and I felt like everything was against me. The media and my fans are fighting all the time, and I feel so bored, so meaningless. My head feels blank a lot of times…” Wooseok is surprised that he actually starts to explain more about his feelings now, but he’s not sure if Dr. Yang gets him.

“Ok, how about your sleep?” Dr. Yang still seems quite unaffected.

“Very shallow. I wake up a lot…”

“I’ll prescribe you some pills that can help with sleep. And you also need to increase the dose of your antidepressants,” Dr. Yang starts to type on his tablet instead of commenting on Wooseok’s recent mental condition. And this, suddenly makes Wooseok very disappointed. He stares at the doctor who only focuses on that tablet and thinks to himself that maybe only Seungyoun would listen to him and care about his feelings in this world. The psychiatrist is just someone to give you medication.

Wooseok smiles bitterly by this thought and says, “Maybe I’m fine. Yes, I think I’m fine.”

“Hm? Nope, you are not.” This time Dr. Yang looks up at him with a serious face, “I’ll observe you after the increase of your medication, and then I’ll evaluate if you need to be hospitalized. Mr. Kim, you are a celebrity, and that is a profession with a high risk of all kinds of mental illness. And I can tell… you haven’t told me many things that actually bother you the most, and those were the real causes of your delusional disorder. Right now you are only taking meds and I can tell you are already quite serious. If I’m telling you the truth, I actually want you to take a break from your idol activities, but I guess that’s too much to ask at this point.”

Wooseok is shocked by Dr. Yang’s words. He wonders if this doctor actually knows about him more than he assumed. He also feels powerless as he suddenly realizes that maybe he just wants to receive unconditional love and understanding in order to conceal his self-hatred. And if this kind of care is lacking from someone he’s dealing with, he would quickly fall into self-doubt and hate again. So even with Dr. Yang, who technically has no personal relationship with him, the fact that he acted coldly most of the time has already made Wooseok dislike him for a long time. Nevertheless, when the doctor’s care suddenly reaches his secrets, he wants to escape again, to forget again, and to pretend that nothing happened.

Yet he can’t be like this anymore… he needs to be brave, and face his fear, in front of someone professional, someone who can actually help him. So Wooseok lets out a long sigh and confesses, “Well doctor, I’m tired. I’m tired of my life, really.” He holds his fists as they are almost trembling, and finally tells Dr. Yang about everything that happened ten years ago.

Half an hour later, Dr. Yang sends him out of the office. Seungyoun, who has been waiting outside, immediately stands up and meets Dr. Yang’s concerning eyes, as if he’s indicating that “take good care of Wooseok.”

On their way home, Wooseok is still looking at his phone most of the time. Seungyoun is curious because he usually doesn’t use his phone that much.

And when they enter the home, Seungyoun gets a call from manager Choi. These days, manager Choi basically only contacts him. Wooseok knows that but he doesn’t really want to talk to his manager so he just ignores it.

“How’s Wooseok? Is his condition getting better? I saw that he posted a photo on Instagram just now, so I guess he’s better?” Manager Choi asks.

Seungyoun quickly opens Wooseok’s Instagram and realizes that he was probably posting this photo just now in the car. It was a photo from when they were in Cornwall, England. Wooseok was standing on the small hill near a cliff, opening his arms as if he’s embracing the world. His white, oversized shirt was blown up by the strong wind, making him like a piece of cloud floating on the background of the blue sea that connecting with the sky.

“Ok now I know why he wasn’t talking to me in the car just now. He was editing this photo, huh?” Seungyoun says to the phone. He then reassures manager Choi that he’ll take good care of Wooseok and all that jazz.

However, a few hours later, manager Choi calls him again. This time, Seungyoun and Wooseok are cuddling in the sofa and watching a movie, so this call is really a bummer.

“What the heck? Why is aljussi calling you all the time?” Wooseok complains. He doesn’t even have to check and already knows it’s his manager calling.

“Do you mind me leaving for a sec and taking this call?” Seungyoun asks him.

“Whatever, just take it.”

Seungyoun thinks for a second and decides to just answer the call without leaving Wooseok. But the moment he hits the green button, manager Choi almost yells at him, “I can’t stand those fans! Why are they so sensitive? So Wooseok posted that photo on Instagram and now the fans are going all suspicious again… Just, give a break!”

Of course, Wooseok can hear manager Choi’s frustrating scream from the phone. He exchanges a look with Seungyoun.

“Wait, now what?” Seungyoun tries to be patient.

“Wooseok posted that photo and the fans found out it was a tourist place in England. And now they are saying he was definitely with Jinhyuk because the angle was clearly from someone with Jinhyuk’s height… something like that… Ahhhh I’m so mad. Can these two kids also give me a break?”

Of course, Seungyoun didn’t expect this is what is happening in the fandom right now. On the other hand, he honestly doesn’t know why manager Choi calls him just to complain about this… as it seems just like another gossip on an anonymous forum to him. Seungyoun looks at Wooseok beside him and finds that he is no longer interested in the call, instead, he fixes his eyes on the movie again.

“Oh… so, what you gonna do now?” Seungyoun doesn’t know what to say to manager Choi so he just blabbers randomly.

“How about you let him take my call now. I was so busy and mad, I should’ve called him instead of you this time.” Manager Choi sighs in frustration.

Wooseok hears this and grabs the phone from Seungyoun nonchalantly, “Hi, aljussi, what’s up?”

“Look at you! Causing trouble again! What do you want to do this time with the photo?”

“Well…” Wooseok answers lazily, “I don’t see any problem? It was just the fans’ imagination. I just wanted to post a photo of myself, what’s wrong with it?”

“Yes you could technically do that, but please, not now! The company just handled a sensitive case for you and Jinhyuk, and now you act as nothing happened and post a travel photo online? You know you’d better be low-key and quiet right now.” Manager Choi tells him in a rare, and authoritative tone. Apparently, he is really irritated right now.

At the same time, Wooseok holds the phone a little tighter in hand. He silently listens to his aljussi’s “teaching,” and when he finally finishes, Wooseok says slowly and aloofly, “I’m sorry aljussi. I know I’m just a trouble for the company, I’m very sorry.”

And this makes manager Choi realizes that he might have been too harsh just now. He suddenly awakens and says, “No, don’t say that, Wooseok. I didn’t mean that. Please don’t overthink. I was just got annoyed by all the calls from fans tonight. It’s not your fault. It’s, it’s Jinhyuk’s fault! He should have explained more in his statement that you didn’t travel together!”

Wooseok can’t take this anymore, he hangs up the phone.

Seungyoun witnesses everything. As he takes his phone from Wooseok’s hand, he lightly pats his head and asks, “Are you ok?”

“I’m fine.” Wooseok answers, “It’s just a photo. My fans are too sensitive. Anyway, you know, I really like that photo you took of me. I look like a wandering cloud, floating in the air. Only you can take such good photos of me.” Wooseok then touches Seungyoun’s face, slowly sliding down to his chin, “and I want the whole world to see the most beautiful me in your eyes.”

Seungyoun is moved. He gives Wooseok a grateful kiss. In fact, if it was not in Korea, they should be together more freely and happily. But unfortunately, they are living in this homophobic jail that locks all the happiness and suffering inside.

“I’m tired. I want to sleep.” Wooseok then stands up and walks into the bedroom. The movie is still on, but maybe neither of them watched it from the beginning.

Seungyoun then opens some websites and see what fans are talking about. It turns out that most of them still think that Jinhyuk and Wooseok are dating, and their statements were just bullshit. Because after all, they were in England at the same time, and Jinhyuk didn’t explain anything about it in the statement. It is very likely that he and his team still want to use this opportunity to gain more public attention and get free promotion for his upcoming drama which was filmed partly in London.

Seungyoun shakes his head, what a crazy industry. It must be so hard for Wooseok, his dear princess. He then turns off the TV and walks to the bathroom to take a shower.

Wooseok, who’s now lying in bed alone, suddenly wants to know what his fans or haters are saying about him. Thus, he opens a popular online forum and searches his name. In fact, he seldom does this, but the call from his aljussi just now somehow triggered him and made him want to add salt into his wound.

Well, nothing really surprising. People are still saying that he and Jinhyuk are dating. Some posted their old photos and “analyzed” that they were dating from years ago. Moreover, there are even posts suspecting that they went to England to get married… Wooseok finds it funny but he’s not really laughing; instead, he is disappointed and frustrated. He wonders why a group of crazy people like this would “love” him, and what’s the point of having this kind of people’s “love”? Why was he yearning for their “love” so bad before? Do they really “love” him? Or are they just treating him like an object, a product, a useless vase?

And as he questions about all this, a crazy idea suddenly hits him.

So he opens the album with their photos from England on his phone and swipes until he finds that selfie with Seungyoun on the hill.

He doesn’t look perfect in this selfie because Seungyoun suddenly kissed him while pressing the shutter. But he loves this photo so much because it was taken at a moment when he was truly happy, truly feeling loved.

Seungyoun is still taking a shower in the bathroom. The splashing water sounds quite like the day when they had sex in that deserted stone church on the hill.

Meanwhile, Wooseok hits “share” on his Instagram. This time, he uploaded the selfie with Seungyoun, and added the caption: My love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmm... incoming new drama? Again? But we are approaching the end, I promise. :)


	33. Chapter 33

Wooseok turns off his phone after posting that selfie on Instagram. His heart races, not because of fear, but excitement. He has never wanted to hide their relationship, and now with all the drama happening in his life, he doesn’t want to care anymore. If people already think he’s a trouble, if they already know that Kim Wooseok is a needy bitch who can’t live without men, then why not just publicize it.

It is also true that there hasn’t been any idol in this industry that has publicly declared homosexuality, so no one knows what will happen after he did this crazy act. But, it is exactly because of this that Wooseok becomes more excited. He wants to know what will happen to him, he feels so free, relieved, just like a cloud wandering in the sky.

Seungyoun finishes shower and gets his phone from the table, and then he immediately sees numerous missed calls from manager Choi. To be honest, he’s getting tired of receiving calls from manager Choi because there are just too many. Also, manager Choi is always dramatic and that starts to make him stressful.

Seungyoun puts on his T-shirt and receives a text from manager Choi again. Although irritated, Seungyoun decides to read it this time. And it is a screenshot of Wooseok’s recent Instagram photo with manager Choi’s panicking words, “Seungyoun!!! Please call me back!!! He wouldn’t answer my call!!!”

Seungyoun froze for a few seconds after seeing the screenshot. And it also him another while to fully believe that it was indeed Wooseok’s Instagram, and it was indeed a selfie of them… Now, he’s worried, too. He runs to the bedroom and pushes the door open, but what he sees is Wooseok being all relaxed and happy in bed, hugging his favorite pillow as usual with a smile on his face.

“Did you post that?” Seungyoun asks.

“Yep. You already saw it?” Wooseok sits up a little bit and answers as if nothing happened.

“Why didn’t you tell me before you posted it?” Seungyoun walks closer and sits on the rim of the bed. He looks dead serious and has no mood to joke around. He is not angry about Wooseok exposing himself, of course, but because he knows that Wooseok cannot undertake another scandal after the company has just settled one for him. However, perhaps Wooseok is the only one who doesn’t realize this yet. Seungyoun quickly imagines what can be happening after this, and his head starts to ache.

“You should have consulted with me, babe. You were too reckless,” Seungyoun tries to soften his tone but still, he has to blame Wooseok, “Have you ever thought about what would happen after this? Have you thought about your manager and your agency?”

Wooseok seems so innocent and careless, he looks at Seungyoun and asks in an aloof tone, “Are you mad at me? Sorry, I didn’t tell you before posting that selfie.”

“No, I’m just worried about you! Your manager just told me that you didn’t answer his call. Are you having some issues with him?”

“Seungyounie…” Wooseok now looks more serious than just now, he sighs and confesses, “I want to publicize our relationship. I’m tired. I’m tired of dealing with media and fans. I’m tired to see them saying that I’m dating Jinhyuk… And then the company will post new statements and media releases about these fake and meaningless things. I’m really sick of them all.” Wooseok pauses and shows an unbothered smirk, then continues, “and what would be the worst-case scenario? I still have you and we can run away…”

“You are too naïve!” Seungyoun shakes his head, “You are hurting yourself. How can you not know?”

“Aren’t you happy? I was just posting a selfie of us. Maybe people will discuss it and then forget about it soon. I just don’t want you to be dragged by my scandals. I don’t want you to see media making up stories of me and Jinhyuk every day. That’s why I thought I’d just expose us at once. And I remember you said once that you didn’t care being exposed because you were not an idol anyway!” Wooseok argues.

“True, I didn’t care back then. But now… look at you, you are…” Seungyoun suddenly stops, because he almost blurted out, “you are not normal!” but no, that’s not the right word.

“What? What’s with me now? Say it!” Wooseok yells.

“You have no idea what you are doing…” Seungyoun answers in a low voice.

Seungyoun’s phone vibrates again, and this time, Wooseok takes it from him quickly because he knows it’s his manager again. He picks up the call and his manager is already speaking, “Seungyoun-ah! Please persuade Wooseok to delete that photo! That way we can just tell the media that it was someone who hacked into his Instagram account and settle it quickly.”

“Aljussi, it’s me.” Wooseok answers coldly, “I posted it because I wanted to. I want to publicize our relationship. I’m not gonna delete it. I can talk to the media if you don’t want to.”

“My god, Wooseok, are you going to give me a heart attack? Please be mature! The company has been in crisis in the past few days because of you and now you are doing this? I’m begging you, please delete it!” Manager Choi’s voice sounds so desperate and anxious, and Seungyoun can hear him clearly beside Wooseok.

“Nope. Also, isn’t Jinhyuk’s team using me to promote his new drama? Did they ask me for permission?” Wooseok ignores his manager’s pleading.

“We are not talking about this right now, Wooseok! You are not a kid. Why are you acting so capricious recently? I’m worried about you. You are telling the world that you love a man, ok, what will your fans think? How will the industry treat you?” Manager Choi almost screams.

“You are not worrying about me. You are just worried that the company will have more works to deal with; and you are worried that the fans will abandon me and I can no longer make money for the company!” Wooseok says coldly.

And the line suddenly becomes deadly quiet. Seungyoun stares at Wooseok in shock because what he just heard from him was too heartless and was not something he would say when he was in his normal state. However, Seungyoun also notices that even though Wooseok just said cruel words to his manager, he looks quite detached, as if he’s contemplating in another space that no one can step in.

Finally, manager Choi speaks again, this time more calmly, “Wooseok-ah, I’ve been taking care of you for so many years, I don’t care if you really like me or not, call me hyung or aljussi, but just for the sake that I’ve been by your side for more than a decade already, can you just do me this favor for this once? I’m tired, too. Can you just be a good boy again?”

“I haven’t extended my contract yet, so how about I use this chance to leave the company… and I will never cause trouble to you again…” Wooseok also sounds calmer but his words are still cold, even though, he did sound a little hesitant when he said the last few words.

Manager Choi realizes there’s no way for negotiation now, he sighs and says, “Well let’s not talk about that now… You just stay where you are, do what you want to do, and I will think of other ways to handle it. Also, Seungyoun, are you beside him? Can you hear me? Please take care of him.” He then hangs up the phone, with nothing solved.

Seungyoun takes the phone back from Wooseok, and then he holds his hand, looks at him without saying a word.

“What’s wrong, Seungyoun? Why are you looking at me like this?” Wooseok seems alerted after the call.

Seungyoun just slowly shakes his head.

“It’s ok. There needs to be the first idol to come out in this industry, we’ll be fine.” Funny it is Wooseok who smiles and comforts Seungyoun suddenly.

Seungyoun is really at a loss of words. He empathizes with Wooseok but at the same time understands manager Choi’s stance. He can’t imagine what will happen when the next day comes. What will the media write about and fans react to Wooseok’s bold move? He’s pretty sure that Wooseok has no idea of the gravity of the seriousness of his action, but he can’t really blame Wooseok because, again, he’s not really “normal” right now.

_Wait, am I the one who made Wooseok become like this?_ This thought abruptly hits him hard.

Wooseok slowly embraces Seungyoun and whispers, “We’ll be fine. Just know that I love you. I love you more than anything, anyone in this world. I’m not afraid as long as I’m with you…” the last sentence is more like him talking to himself.

In fact, Wooseok does feel a little regret after the call with his manager. Although he still thinks that he said nothing wrong on the phone, he does admit that he and his aljussi are more than just “colleagues.” He can imagine how sad and disappointed his aljussi now feels, but he can’t compromise because he is so tired of all this. He wants to set himself free by finding an exit, an exit that will stop him from having nightmares and put his heart in peace. And actually, when he tapped that “share” on Instagram, he thought he could finally see the light coming from that “exit” he’s been looking for.

“Do you know what you want?” Seungyoun finally reciprocates the hug and asks Wooseok.

“I want you,” Wooseok answers without even thinking.

However, this makes Seungyoun’s heart in pain. Perhaps he should be happy, but for some reason, a sense of fear and insecurity overshadows him.

“Your heart is chaotic,” Wooseok says as he is leaning on Seungyoun’s chest listening to his heartbeat, “Sorry, Seungyounie, I know you are mad at me.”

“Hmm… a little. Because I didn’t expect you to do something like that,” Seungyoun admits, “You know, you are making it more difficult for me to protect you.”

“Then let me protect you,” Wooseok smiles and kisses Seungyoun fully in the mouth.

Neither of them really slept well that night.

Seungyoun was hugged tightly by Wooseok the entire night, making him almost breathless. He wondered if he should be more strict with Wooseok instead of spoiling him this much. But he also understands that Wooseok is suffering from a lot of things: depression, delusional disorder, and of course, all the hatred and agony from the public. How could he protect Wooseok? How could they protect each other?

Meanwhile, Wooseok had a dream. In the dream, he and Seungyoun were sitting on a large cloud. Maybe they were in heaven? However, a strong wind split them up and Wooseok found that Seungyoun had become transparent and was drifting away. Next, Seungyoun really disappeared in front of him, leaving him sitting on his little cloud crying. Then he heard a cold voice from the sky: “He doesn’t want you anymore. No one wants you anymore.”

Wooseok woke up in fear, but thankfully, he found himself holding Seungyoun’s arm as if he’d never let him go.

The next morning, Seungyoun gets up early because he needs to check the news on the entertainment section… And unsurprisingly, Wooseok is trending again and that selfie is all over the place.

“Kim Wooseok reveals his ‘true love’ and it’s not Lee Jinhyuk.”

“Kim Wooseok posted a photo at midnight with his real boyfriend in the UK.”

“Our national first-love’s true love is a man?”

“Wooseok’s real boyfriend is Woodz—his album producer.”

…

All kinds of headlines are flooding the Internet. Seungyoun doesn’t even have to see, and he already knows how nasty people would say about Wooseok. But still, he opens some articles and goes to the comment section:

“What the hell? Wooseok is gay? I’m gonna burn all his CDs!”

“Can’t they just prohibit him from appearing on TV? He’s been causing too much trouble lately to his company!”

“I feel sad for my baby Jinhyuk. He must have been seduced by Wooseok!”

“Ewwww they are so ugly! They are gays!”

“Wait, is Jinhyuk also gay? But he had girlfriends before?”

“But Wooseok’s real boyfriend is handsome, too. So he’s Woodz? I’ve heard him before.”

“He should just die as an apology…”

…

Seungyoun throws his phone away. This is enough. This is too much.

And at the same time, Wooseok walks out of the bedroom. He stares at the Seungyoun’s frustrated face and asks, “What happened?”

“Nothing, just a bunch of crazy people online.”

“Oh, let me see.” Wooseok suddenly remembers the “big thing” he did last night, and he pulls his phone out of his pocket. However, Seungyoun quickly approaches him and confiscates it.

“No need to see. Just the same old stuff, you know.” Seungyoun says.

“But I saw you throw your phone away just now… you looked angry. Wait, did they say something nasty about you? Oh no… did they find your personal information?” Wooseok suddenly feels awakened. He didn’t even think about these consequences to Seungyoun.

“Now you are worried about me, huh? Why didn’t you realize it last night?” Seungyoun says casually as he’s not mad about this. All he cares about is Wooseok’s safety and he doesn’t want Wooseok to read the things online.

“Did aljussi contact you?” Wooseok asks.

“Nope. He must be busy now.” Seungyoun then gives the cellphone back to Wooseok, but it suddenly rings with the manager’s call.

“Hey aljussi, how’s everything? If you need me to post a statement I can.” Wooseok answers nonchalantly, as he’s still determined that he’ll take all the responsibility.

“Wooseok-ah, don’t come to the company in a while, ok? Just take some rest at home. I will let you know when to come.” However, manager Choi sounds strangely calm now, which doesn’t like his normal style at all. This makes the sensitive Wooseok alerted. And since he did feel a little guilty from last night, he says to the phone, “Emm… well… I’m sorry for saying those to you last night… I know you’ve spent all your time on me in these years and you are like my family member. So… I’m sorry.”

“Don’t say this now. I’m not mad at you. I know you are struggling these days and you are taking medicines… so just use this time to take some rest, ok? I’ll come to see you soon.” Manager Choi still utters peacefully.

Wooseok senses something’s not right because this is not how aljussi usually treats him. So he goes on the ask, “So is the media coverage… really that bad? Do you need me to say something to them?”

“You can just have a look online. Wooseok-ah, you are not a kid anymore… The company will handle this so don’t worry. But please, never let me be disappointed at you again, ok?” The call then ends.

Wooseok is so confused and he just stands there not knowing how to react. He then looks at Seungyoun, and it seems there is some disappointment in his eyes, too.

Wooseok is afraid of loneliness, but in addition to that, he’s most afraid of letting others down. Since he doesn’t like his own personality, he tells himself to be braver. He wants to protect the people that he likes, so he made up his mind to tell the world who his “love” is. He was that happy when he posted the selfie on Instagram last night. He was so excited to have finally seen an “exit,” and because of Seungyoun, he thought he was no longer afraid of any hatred coming at him from the outside…

However, this morning, he suddenly realizes that he is still scared. It’s like having an awakening. When his manager no longer jokes with him but seriously told him that he was “disappointed” at him, he became scared.

Seungyoun can see something is wrong in Wooseok’s flustered eyes. He walks towards him and hugs him. But Wooseok suddenly pushes him away, and then he runs to the balcony and locks the glass door.

He opens all the news apps and social media sites. And then he finds that he doesn’t even have to search his own name because it is already everywhere.

He sees his largest fansite closes.

He sees photos of his fans sitting outside T Media, protesting.

He sees some people burning his CDs.

He sees tons of humiliation towards him and towards the gay community.

He sees people also hating on Seungyoun, on Woodz’s music, and even saying that Woodz used him to climb up and become an award-winning producer.

He sees Jinhyuk’s drama has announced a hiatus because “the male lead is in a scandal and we need to look into the prospects of working with him.”

He finally understands, he is no longer a victim. He has become the perpetrator.

Wooseok collapses on the floor. He opens his Instagram again and sees the selfie with Seungyoun that he posted last night. They look so happy and cute together, but all of a sudden, he wonders if he really deserves such happiness.

_Stupid me, troublesome me, I’m a cureless patient, what should I do now?_

***

Seungyoun has known that Wooseok wants to give up. When he heard Wooseok crying his heart out in the bedroom, when he felt his weak and powerless body, when he dodged his marriage request over and over again… he knew Wooseok was tired.

Wooseok debuted at a young age, although he’s not yet 30, he has already earned many things compared to other idols. And that's why he’s not that into being a celebrity now. Also, because of his worsening mental health, it is normal that he wants to quit.

But Seungyoun also has his own selfish reason. He doesn’t want Wooseok to give up yet, because he still wants to produce a perfect album with him. Seungyoun secretly hopes that Wooseok can just carry on a little bit longer, wait for him to rediscover his inspiration and love for music, and then they will become the “best selves” together with another masterpiece.

However, when he saw all the hatred towards Wooseok online, all those people how had no idea who he was yet used the nastiest words to call Wooseok and degrade Wooseok, he became hesitant. For the first time, he just wanted to hide Wooseok in a safe place, away from all the bad people in society, prevents him from hearing any hurtful voices. He wants to take Wooseok to somewhere no one knows, just like when they were in Cornwall and freely enjoying the ocean breeze, and letting their heart float like the clouds…

Seungyoun looks at Wooseok’s small and lonely body as he sits on the floor of the balcony, he realizes that no matter how good he’s at empathizing with others, he can never fully understand the pain felt by Wooseok right now. This world is too cruel to him, and it continues to deprive things from him. Seungyoun rubs his hair and sighs. He makes up his mind again that he will never ever leave Wooseok alone. Even if the world wants them to be apart, even if it is Wooseok who wants to run away from him, he will never, ever, give in.

Is he crying? He must be crying. Seungyoun looks at him silently. And after a while, he sees that Wooseok has answered a phone call. After that, the younger finally walks back into the living room.

Surprisingly, he doesn’t seem like he had cried. He just looks tired, but he didn’t cry. 

Seungyoun approaches him and opens up his arms. This time, Wooseok enters his embrace without hesitation.

“Don’t be afraid. I’m here with you,” Seungyoun comforts him.

“I’m fine,” Wooseok sniffs and says, “It’s all my fault. But I’m not that weak, don’t worry.”

Seungyoun can’t describe how painful his heart feels right now. He kisses Wooseok’s forehead and says, “Let’s not look at the internet, ok? Let’s just rest at home.” Maybe he is the only one in the world who loves Wooseok right now, Seungyoun suddenly thinks. And this makes their hug even more aching.

Wooseok nods on Seungyoun’s shoulder, and then whispers, “Are you ok? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pulled you into this… I, I don’t care about how other people see me, but I don’t want you to get hurt…” Wooseok then pulls Seungyoun’s chest and looks at his face, and it is then that he finally wants to cry.

“Silly, I’m totally fine. I’m not an idol. I’m just your boyfriend. If you don’t ‘pull me into this,’ who else would you ‘pull’?” Seungyoun tries to make him smile by asking this. Of course, he has seen some bad comments about himself earlier, but that didn’t bother him at all.

“But… but I also hurt Jinhyuk… His drama stopped filming and it was all because of me… I just apologized to him, yet he didn’t even blame me…”

Seungyoun is quite surprised because he didn’t know Jinhyuk was affected, too. And it’s not a small case. However, he also thinks a little differently about Jinhyuk after Wooseok said that he didn’t blame him. But think it from another way, Jinhyuk was the trigger of everything since they came back from the UK, so if he would blame Wooseok now, Seungyoun may go to punch him again…

Anyway, Seungyoun goes back to the kitchen and presents Wooseok with a hot cup of coffee that he just brewed to calm him down. Wooseok takes a small sip and smiles, “It’s so bitter.”

Yes, his heart is bitter, too.

This time, T Media spends a lot of money on crisis PR. After all, Wooseok and Jinhyuk are the biggest stars they have, and since they are in trouble together now, the company has no way except saving them no matter what. Considering how much money they have made for the company, T Media has no position to really blame them either. In the end, the company tells the media that Wooseok and Woodz are just good friends from work. And since Wooseok is known to love skinship a lot, he was just kidding on Instagram by posting that photo. However, for Jinhyuk, things are not that easy this time. The drama team has decided to give his role to another emerging actor, who has gained much recognition recently. Because of this, and the fact that homosexuality is not an open topic in Korea, the media soon become more interested in this changing of the main role in this drama, and the attention to Wooseok is quickly declined. Moreover, although Jinhyuk’s earlier statement explained that he was just joking with the media about pursuing Wooseok, it now has become another evidence of his “flawed personality” that is being heavily picked on by the media.

But of course, although the official discourse is one thing, the real discourses in the fandom are another. After T Media settled the Instagram case, Wooseok has been receiving anonymous calls constantly. At first he answered some, but the caller was just quiet and then hang up the phone. Based on his experience, these are usually saesangs who somehow got his number, so he stopped answering unknown numbers after a while. Nevertheless, he would then receive hate text messages, some are even death threats. He blocked those numbers but there would be more coming in. He thought about turning his phone off, but what if it’s important calls from work? In the end, he could only silence his phone and check it every now and then.

Meanwhile, although Seungyoun promised to stay at home with Wooseok, the next day he got a call from his boss, telling him there was a big project wanting him to be the producer. It is going to be an album featuring some award-winning songs from 20 years ago. This is not only a hugely paid job but also a good opportunity for Seungyoun to socialize with renowned elder artists in the industry. Although he wanted to turn it down at first, Wooseok pushed him to take it.

“I’m fine! I’ll be a good boy staying at home. See, I’m basically jobless now, so you must take this job!” Wooseok joked this way to made him go, since he was sincerely happy for Seungyoun being chosen as the producer.

And just as Seungyoun expected, compared to the media attention to Wooseok and Jinhyuk, not many people really care about him being the “real boyfriend” of Wooseok. When he returned to the company on the first day, there were only two journalists waiting outside, not to mention that they were easily sent away by his boss with some money.

Other than that, Seungyoun has been peacefully and diligently producing this important album. It is not an easy job, but he manages to finish by 6 or 7pm and rushes home to check on Wooseok. Sometimes the singers would ask him for dinner, but he would politely reject them.

After a few days, Seungyoun actually finds that Wooseok is doing ok even though he’s home alone. When he enters the home, Wooseok is usually watching movies and eating snacks, or playing songs on the keyboard.

Manager Choi has told Wooseok that the company is still deciding on his next schedule, but both Wooseok and Seungyoun know that T Media is just giving him a semi-hiatus. After all those dramas, it is always safe to disappear from the public for a while, and then choose a good time to have a comeback. This is normal practice for any entertainment company.

One week after Seungyoun had taken that job, he decides to compensate Wooseok by making a big dinner for him.

“I think this may be not so different from being married. I’m a jobless wife staying at home, and you are an able husband working outside as a breadwinner. Wow, we are so traditional!” Wooseok jokes while eating.

Seungyoun smiles, “Well, but I also have to come back and cook.”

“So, are we going to get married?” Wooseok puts down his chopsticks and asks this question again, “since I’m kinda bored recently.”

“Erm… let’s wait a little bit…” Seungyoun looks a little uneasy. Even though he has become more relaxed when Wooseok’s marriage question is thrown on the dinner table recently, he still hasn’t made up his mind. For one thing, he’s quite busy with the new work; for another, he actually has gained some new inspiration after working with those established singers and musicians recently and he even thought that he would quickly regain his ability to compose for Wooseok. So, he still hopes that Wooseok can wait for him, just a little bit more.

Seungyoun’s answer doesn’t surprise Wooseok at all, but this doesn’t stop the latter from feeling disappointed again. After all, he has been proposing this for numerous times already…

Seungyoun is immersed in his own thoughts and doesn’t notice Wooseok’s change of expression. He quickly finishes his plate and asks, “Do you feel bored at home? I can buy some video games for you to play.”

“Stop it. I’m not pregnant or anything. I can find things to do,” Wooseok says with a light smile, and then stands up to collect the empty bowls and plates, and then walks into the kitchen to wash them.

Although he’s washing the dishes, his thoughts are by no means on these objects. Since he’s been home alone, he’s constantly been harassed by those saeseng’s messages and calls, yet he never told Seungyoun about it. Also, he can’t help but search for his name online every now and then. As a result, he keeps feeding himself with more hate messages and threats. He thought maybe the more he read them, the more he would get immuned. However, this doesn’t mean he wouldn’t feel hurt. He’s been debuted for almost ten years, but now he’s abandoned by his fans because he loves a man. How funny is that? So what was all those love and support? Wooseok looks at the foams in the dishes and smiles. Ok, fine, at least he can still smile at this absurdity. Maybe he’s still very strong, he thinks to himself. Moreover, Wooseok tells himself that compared to the troubles that he has caused to others, the pain and hate he receives right now is nothing. Maybe people are just stressed and need a place to vent their anger. His fans do have their reasons to be mad at him, after all. Not to mention that he hasn’t explained anything to them after the Instagram case. And even if he goes public again, what should he explain?

“Hey, the water is all over the place!” Wooseok is brought back to reality by Seungyoun’s voice.

“Oh, sorry,” Wooseok hurriedly grabs a cloth and cleans the surface of the counter. But when his eyes meet Seungyoun’s, he suddenly recalls the older’s expression just now when he mentioned “marriage” for the hundreds’ time, and then all he can do is to bite his lower lip and tries his best to hold back his tears. 

“Are you feeling ok?” Seungyoun senses something unusually about Wooseok so he asks, “Don’t tell me you read some fake news alone at home.”

“No, I didn’t.” Wooseok wipes his hands, “Emm… I was just thinking, tomorrow is our two-year anniversary, do you know?”

Seungyoun’s eyes are wide open, “What? Is that so? I’m sorry I’m not good at remembering the days…”

“It’s fine. I know that about you. Anyway, prepare to be surprised tomorrow after work, ok?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are 4 or 5 more chapters left. :)


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ISTG this is the most challenging chapter to translate... I hate myself 😂😂😂  
> Anyway, 🔞🔞🔞🔞🔞  
> Cross-dressing warning, too.

Seungyoun feels sorry that he forgets about their anniversary, so instead of making breakfast the next day, he decides to stay in bed with Wooseok a little longer. They just cuddle in bed and shower each other with loving kisses, until it’s time for Seungyoun to go to work.

“My princess, I really need to go now.”

“Ok, I’ll be good at home,” Wooseok says while giggling because he’s still holding Seungyoun’s arm and not letting him go. After another round of cuddling, Seungyoun kisses Wooseok’s forehead and says, “Behave babe, and I’ll be looking forward to your gift tonight.”

“Don’t you want to take a guess?” Wooseok asks.

“No… what if I guess it right? Then there will be no surprise,” Seungyoun argues and leaves the bed.

Wooseok pouts and watches Seungyoun leaving the room. Ok, fine, you always have your reason to escape, he complains internally.

But Wooseok is not really mad because it has already made his day that Seungyoun cuddled with him in the morning. So when Seungyoun leaves home, he doesn't check his name online like he always did; instead, he decided to really forget about all the troublesome things, at least just for today. 

In the afternoon, a package arrives. Wooseok happily signs it and pushes it to the bedroom since it is quite big and heavy. Then, he locks the door and closes the shades and curtains in the room as if he’s going to do something really suspicious. After making sure that the room is safe, he takes a deep breath, and slowly opens the box…

***

Actually, this thought came to him a few days ago. On that day, he was feeling bored and flipped the calendar on the table. To his surprise, he found that Seungyoun has already circled his birthday in October and written down “my princess’ bday.” Wooseok was so moved so he went to August and circled Seungyoun’s birthday, too. But he was not going to write “prince” because it would be too cheesy, so he added two round ears on the circle, making it look at a monkey head. He then looked at his “monkey prince” and suddenly thought, since Seungyoun really loved to call him “princess,” maybe he should… just for once… satisfy him by being a “princess” for real? This thought immediately made him blush. He remembered when he was in the boy group, he had to wear a skirt and wig a few times as “services” to the fans, and he would never want to watch those video clips again. However, after so many years, on this day, he suddenly wanted to do it again just for Seungyoun. He wanted to know if Seungyoun would appreciate it, and would think that he’s beautiful when he cross-dresses.

Wooseok quickly made up his mind and ordered tons of things online under a pseudonym. Moreover, he not only ordered some dresses and wigs but also some sex toys since they were sold on the same site... He had been wanting to try some of these things before but always felt too ashamed. But maybe, there was just something "wrong" with him that day. 

***

Wooseok looks at the things in the box and generates a quite complex feeling. But then he has to admit that he actually likes how beautiful some of these skirts and dresses are. He picks up a cheerleader set, puts them on, and looks into the mirror. Not gonna lie, he thinks he looks cute. And in fact, he has tried similar cheerleaders set before in a fan meeting, so it doesn’t make him super uncomfortable to wear it again. As his gaze then reaches his own thighs, he tries tightens them sensually, wondering if this will make his legs more plumpy and sexy.

He then puts on a mid-length, black wig to finish the look, and holds up his phone to take some selfies. It’s interesting that he doesn’t really feel strange with long hair, and he thinks it’s doesn’t make him so different from before. He plays with the filters in the camera app, and suddenly, as if something clicks, he runs back to bed and buries his face in the pillow: Ahhhh what the heck am I doing?!?!

Come to think about it, when they were "forced" to wear dresses for the fans in the past, Wooseok was always the one who was the most unbothered. After all, he was always praised by people for being “more beautiful than women.” So while his teammates were rejecting, he would confidently try on those female clothes and went on stage first. Idols had to make fans happy, he thought, so it didn’t bother him to do this. However, right now, he suddenly realizes that it feels totally different when he really wants to please the one he loves by cross-dressing. He’s nervous and scared. He doesn’t know if Seungyoun will like it, or rather, think he is disgusting. Or, if Seungyoun ends up liking it, does this mean he’d rather have sex with women? Wooseok’s thoughts are racing.

After calming himself down, he returns to that big box and starts to explore what else is inside. So besides more dresses and stockings, there are also sex toys, mostly dildos and vibrators. He didn’t know much about these things and just chose the eye-catchy ones; after all, it’s not that Seungyoun cannot satisfy him. But as he looks at these colorful and playful objects in detail now, he feels like having an awakening. Yea, he used to think he’s quite shameless in bed, but not with these gizmos… Now he wonders if he needs to explain to Seungyoun first before using them for the fun tonight.

For the entire afternoon, Wooseok has been moving in between his bed, mirror, the big box, and his wardrobe. But as he has tried on more attires, he has become less shameful, or, maybe he just got used to it. He even found a Qipao at one point and had no idea when he even ordered it. Anyway, he tried everything and ended up choosing the first cheerleader set because it looks the most “normal” and he doesn’t want to scare Seungyoun away.

Around 5 o’clock, Wooseok is already exhausted from changing and playing, so he takes a shower, massaged himself with the most soothing aroma, and then lies in bed.

On the other hand, Seungyoun has been working hard in the studio for the entire day, but his assistant could still tell that he had something in mind. So when the assistant asked what’s going on and was told that it was Seungyoun and Wooseok’s anniversary, he immediately pushed his boss out of the studio and said: “I’ll take charge from here… You and Wooseok hyung have been through a lot and… it’s been really difficult recently, right? You should just enjoy tonight.” Seungyoun looked at this assistant, who has been working with him since he first brought Wooseok to the studio, and thought internally: What a trustworthy boy!

Seungyoun drives his car and unsurprisingly, gets caught up in the rush hour. Although he wants to buy a gift for Wooseok for the anniversary, he also doesn’t want to get home too late. He blames himself for not being romantic even though he used to be known as a romantic person. But that was when he could easily compose a song… not now. He then wonders what would be the “gift” that Wooseok has for him. Maybe a table full of his newly-learned dishes?

As he finally leaves the jammed traffic and turns to a narrower street, he suddenly notices a streetfood stall that is selling Bungeo-ppang. He remembers that Wooseok once mentioned that there was a stall selling this outside his elementary school in his hometown, and it was the most vivid memory from his childhood. So Seungyoun parks the car and buys a few Bungeo-ppang. They are still hot when he returns to the car, and the smell of red bean paste is so sweet and appetizing. Although it is simple, he thinks that Wooseok must haven’t had it for a long time, so it will probably make him happy.

When Seungyoun enters the home, he feels everything is strangely quiet. There is no one in the living room, the kitchen is clean, and even the hallway to the bedroom is dark. He immediately gets nervous. Wooseok said that he would give him a present but now why is it so quiet? Is he going to suddenly jump out and scare him? Seungyoun cautiously walks toward the bedroom, and he even knocks before rotating the doorknob. He has no idea why he is this nervous but he doesn’t like this feeling of unknown. So he whispers into the door, “Wooseokie, I’m back. I’m coming in.”

But as soon as he opens the door, he almost tripped himself and screamed because, _why the hell is there a girl on my bed???_

Dammmmn!!! And the next thing he knows, it is actually his princess Wooseok…

Wooseok was lying there like a beautiful doll but Seungyoun’s overreaction made him sit up and look at him in terror.

Seungyoun still holds the doorknob and gazes at Wooseok from his long hair to the tight and minimalistic top, and then down to the skirt that can barely cover anything on his smooth and pale thighs… He eventually lets out a long sigh of relief and says, “Wooseok?”

“Damn you who else could this be?” Wooseok is so embarrassed and kind of lost his patience. He throws a pillow at Seungyoun, and the older's bag with Bungeo-ppang falls on the floor.

Seungyoun realizes that he has made his princess mad so forget about the damn food. He quickly runs towards the bed and sits down to look at Wooseok. However, Wooseok quickly pulls a blanket to cover his whole body and faces the other side.

“Seokie!!! My princess!!! My most beautiful princess!!! It was all my fault just now!!! Please don't be mad, look at me, ok?” Seungyoun hugs Wooseok who is basically like an egg roll right now, and apologizes sincerely, “So is this the ‘gift’ you prepared for me? I’m so happy! Really! I’m so happy!”

Wooseok lowers his guard when he heard that Seungyoun actually likes it. However, he’s still not sure if Seungyoun is telling the truth… He slowly reveals his face from the blanket and looks at Seungyoun with his doe eyes, “Do you… really like this? Don’t you think I’m weird?”

Seungyoun gasps, “How can you be weird? You are the most beautiful princess of mine! You look amazing. This is so fresh! I like it!”

“Do you mean you like girls more, then?” Wooseok asks nervously with tears in his eyes.

“Noooo! You are my only ‘princess.’ Whatever you wear, you are the most beautiful one, ok? I just think this surprise is really good!” Seungyoun answers without even thinking. He’s telling the truth. This is just too surprising and he’s not complaining at all.

Now Wooseok finally shows a faint smile on his face, but he doesn’t feel comfortable to look at Seungyoun in the eyes because the latter looks almost too happy and excited as if he’s found some national treasure, and this makes him shy.

Seungyoun then grabs Wooseok's chin, letting the smaller face himself. He slowly and carefully appreciates this beautiful face, and then whispers, “So how do you want me to eat this 'gift'?” And of course, without any answer, he leans closer and devours Wooseok's plump lips. The kiss is already so hungry and passionate, making Wooseok’s body soft and weak.

“Wait…wait…” Wooseok uses his whole strength to stop Seungyoun from going further. He then puts a finger on Seungyoun’s lips and says, “I have another gift for you…”

Seungyoun is taken aback but soon grins, “What? You have more? What have you been doing alone at home?”

Wooseok doesn’t answer him; instead, he moves to the other side of the bed and picks up several colorful things from the box… Seungyoun tilts his head and discovers all those _toys_.

“They are all yours?” Seungyoun asks suspiciously.

And this makes Wooseok’s heart beating in shameful guilt. He turns back and says, “Don’t… don’t get me wrong… and don’t look at me now! I just, I just want to give you a… show…”

Seungyoun looks at Wooseok's fervently burning face and immediately gets it. He smiles and coax him, “Ok, ok, I’m not looking.” He then crosses his legs and closes his eyes, waiting for a "show" that his princess is going to put on.

Wooseok turns down the light by the bed and crawls to Seungyoun’s place. He takes a deep breath and mutters, “Now you can look.”

What is in front of Seungyoun's eyes is just too provocative. Wooseok is slowly pulling down a white lace panty and showing his smooth and silky bum since that bright yellow skirt can barely cover anything. Also, he picks up a pink dildo and shakily moving it near his back.

“Wait, have you prepared yourself yet?” Seungyoun has to interfere just because he’s worried that his princess is probably doing this for the first time. Wooseok “hmms” to answer as he doesn’t have the courage to look back at him right now. Truth be told, he’s been playing with his rear for an hour before Seungyoun came back, so of course, he’s all prepared for the show.

Seungyoun seems relieved and decides to shut up from now on. Wooseok now grabs that dildo with an uneven surface and begins to slowly insert it into his hole. He takes inhales hard every time he puts in a little bit. And the foreign yet agitating touch felt by his bum makes him more and more excited and aroused. He tells himself that since Seungyoun has already said that he likes him in cross-dressing, he should just relax and use this thing to play with himself, because Seungyoun would then love him more, and maybe tell him that he’s the most beautiful princess in the entire world, right?

As more than half of the dildo is tightly inside Wooseok’s hole, he feels more comfortable and even more confident. He hears that Seungyoun has swallowed in the back, so he holds the toy and begins to jab himself. He moans between the ins and outs, and soon enough, he can feel some fluids dripping on the toy and on his hands… “Urgh…” It feels so… wrong… but also makes him more and more horny. He breathes faster and his head is getting lighter and emptier. “Ahh… Seungyoun… Seungyounie…” Wooseok blabbers whatever is left in his head and then bends down in bed due to the sensual pleasure and the thought of wanting to be taken down by his man…

“Babe, stop…” Seungyoun’s voice suddenly sounds by his ears, “Are you really giving me a ‘gift’ or torturing me right now, huh? My princess?” His voice sounds teasing and desiring, almost enough to make Wooseok cum already.

“I, I—” Wooseok can’t even think straight. He can feel that Seungyoun has grabbed the handle of that toy and the next thing he knows, Seungyoun starts to plunge it in and out.

“You could have just told me that you want some toys. We could be doing this earlier,” Seungyoun smirks and looks at the connecting place on Wooseok’s reddened bottom. Wooseok moans more loudly than just now because apparently, Seungyoun has used the toy to reach somewhere deeper that he couldn’t do. Both of them feel so satisfied as Wooseok is on the verge of cumming while Seungyoun is immersed in Wooseok’s erotic whines, and it sounds like heaven.

Wooseok’s waist almost collapsed if Seungyoun’s strong arm didn’t hold it on time. Wooseok pants with his mouth wide open and his saliva also uncontrollably dripping. But everything feels so right and so comfortable and he even begins to enjoy his own scream. He keeps contracting his bum to feel the intensity and friction of the toy, and suddenly, Seungyoun slaps his butts.

“Holy...!” Wooseok can’t help but curses because the slap provokes him even more. He grabs a pillow in front of him tightly and tries his best to suppress his moaning because he’s afraid that Seungyoun would get tired of it. However, Seungyoun slaps him even more times and says, “Just let it out, if you want to yell.”

“No… I, I hate you…” Wooseok knows he has zero control over his body and it is all initiated by himself, so he just complains uselessly like a little bird.

But “I hate you” sounds more like a catalyst in Seungyoun’s ears. He gets more excited and also bends down. Next, he suddenly pulls out the dildo and instead, starts to eat Wooseok’s bum and hole.

“Ah!! No!! Seungyounie…” The sudden change of sensation makes Wooseok feel not only ticklish but so shameful. But at the same time, he can feel his heart itchy with delight. Seungyoun’s tongue swiftly explores his wet and loose hole, easily making its way deeper inside.

“Ngh… Ahhh… Seungyoun…” Wooseok knows nothing else to say except moaning his man’s name.

“What babe? You like it? You are so fucking delicious today… Did you think about me when you were playing with yourself earlier, huh?” Seungyoun asks in between breaths and then continues to bury his head in Wooseok's hips.

“Oh… of course… I, I’ve been thinking about you… whole day… I want you… I want your cock…” Wooseok cries.

“Good. My princess is the best.” Seungyoun smiles and sits up again. He quickly wipes the sweats on his forehead and begins to pull Wooseok’s miniskirt up so that he can continue to kiss his waist, his spine, and caresses the smooth his skin on his back. Although Seungyoun can also just pull down his pants and fuck Wooseok right now, he decides to wait, “So princess, anything else that you want to show me?”

Wooseok completely collapses. He had cum already but because he feels so messy and dizzy he doesn’t even know when that happened. He flips his body and faces the ceiling; after a whole minute of heavy breaths, he slowly calms down and answers weakly, “Yea… there are more things I bought in that box…”

Seungyoun went to the other side and the first thing that he sees in the box is a dark blue Qipao. Heck, he laughs, “My princess, why did you buy yourself all these things?”

“Because you never buy them for me…” Wooseok blushes answers. He’s honestly afraid that Seungyoun would think that he’s a creep.

“Ok, now I know. I’ll buy some in the future. I'll decorate my beautiful princess, ok?” Seungyoun says and pulls out the Qipao and throws it on Wooseok’s body, “Change to this for me. And then let’s do it outside.”

The cold silk makes Wooseok shiver, he covers his face with both hands and says, “You like this dress?”

“Yea, I like it. Do you still have the energy to have sex with me though?”

“Yes.” Wooseok answers immediately. Sure, he wants more. He has decided to dedicate the whole night and his whole being to Seungyoun tonight.

Seungyoun smiles in satisfaction and pulls Wooseok up from the bed. Wooseok manages to get off the bed but as soon as he sees himself in the mirror, he feels so embarrassed and yells at Seungyoun, “Go out and wait!”

Seungyoun shrugs and leaves the room.

The Qipao actually fits Wooseok perfectly. Because it’s bought from a sex shop, the breast part is completely open, which is of course not a “traditional style.” But Wooseok doesn’t have plump breasts anyway so it doesn’t really matter. The Qipao has a high cut, which can show his beautiful thighs, so that must be a plus. Wooseok carefully dresses himself up and then puts on another wig because the first one has already been torn. He looks at himself in the mirror for a long time, to the point that he actually starts to like himself with long hair. And then, he reluctantly opens the bedroom door and roaming into the living room.

“You are so slow my princess!” Seungyoun pretends to be impatient. And Wooseok lowkey thinks that's cute.

“I’m here now,” Wooseok says.

And as soon as their eyes meet in full, Seungyoun’s face immediately lights up. He jumps out of the sofa and snatches Wooseok from the back, starting to sniff the younger’s neck.

“Hey… wait…” Wooseok is ticklish and tries to shy away. But Seungyoun starts to nibble his earlobe and his hands are moving up and down on the smooth and silky dress. Wooseok lets out a short scream when Seungyoun teasingly pinches his waist, but the next thing he knows, Seungyoun’s hand is already going inside the high cut and caresses his thigh and his bum.

“You, you are so annoying…” Wooseok gently complains while keeping his balance by holding the back of the sofa. He then realizes that he really doesn’t have much strength to stand up, so he says, “Can we sit down and do it…”

Seungyoun stops because this is a rare case when Wooseok is requesting a position. He nods and then impatiently grabs Wooseok’s wrist and leads him to the front of the sofa. And it is then that he suddenly sees Wooseok’s bare chest. What a tease! He smiles in amusement, and his fingers naturally begin to play with the pink nipples of Seok.

Wooseok tilts and squeezes his neck. He's not a big fan of being played on the chest, so he tries to push Seungyoun into the sofa, and maybe they can start the next move. 

Seungyoun easily falls into the soft sofa by Wooseok’s push. He senses the eagerness in Wooseok's moves and knowingly unbuttons his pants. Unsurprisingly, his manhood is already furiously standing. He gives it a few more touches and then says, “Ok, princess, as you wish.”

Wooseok obediently spread the Qipao pieces and slowly aims at that hard shaft. Seungyoun pinches his thigh for fun, it hurts a little, but Wooseok doesn’t care anymore. He is just excited that Seungyoun will finally penetrate him using his cock.

It doesn’t take along before Wooseok completely fits on that cock. Seungyoun gives a loud kiss on Wooseok’s boney back and asks, “You ready?”

Well, no one needs to answer because the moment he finishes asking, he is already thrusting. They seldom try this position so Wooseok feels really new and fresh in his bottom. He rides and feels Seungyoun's lower body rising powerfully, giving him many good fucks inside. Ah, his man is so strong and that angry shaft has soon hit his prostate, making the smaller scream in joyful tears.

Seungyoun also groans in pleasure. He closes his eyes and murmurs on Wooseok’s back, “Wooseokie, you are my only princess. You can’t run away from me, you know…”

Wooseok’s heart suddenly skips a beat. He doesn’t know why, among all their whines and pants, these words enter his ears so clearly. And in his memory, Seungyoun has never said something like this to him. It almost sounds like begging, begging him to never leave his side…

“Did you hear me? Answer me!” Seungyoun finishes the last few thrusts and unloads himself inside Wooseok’s warm hole.

“Em.” Wooseok replies.

“Good, my baby, my princess.” Seungyoun seems so happy and satisfied. Their bodies keep being connected and the warmth of penetration keeps spreading to their whole beings. Seungyoun is also near the edge of collapse. He kisses Wooseok’s back a few more times and closes his eyes, “I love you, Seok. I love you. Don’t ever leave me, ok?”

“Thank you, Seungyounie… my prince.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In fact, the R18 scene in this chapter was longer in my original version, but I was too tired to translate every word... I'm a very pure person, wbk😶😶😶. Anyway, you get the point. They had a very very very good s*x and that's it. 😂😂😂 And I think that's all for the 🔞 for LoveSick. :) Yay!!!


	35. Chapter 35

The next morning when Seungyoun wakes up and sees Wooseok beside him, his heart suddenly beats ardently. This feeling is kind of foreign to him, it was like when he saw the girl he secretly admired back in middle school, or like when he went to the cinema with his first girlfriend. In short, it feels like first love--the purest and most passionate love one experiences in life.

Seungyoun smiles. What kind of love has Wooseok given him? It has made him experience everything, every emotion, happy, sad, depressed, tortured… Wooseok has made him recall a lot of things that happened to him over the years, as well as opened new experiences for him. Maybe Wooseok is a precious gem sent by god to save him? At first, he only agreed to date Wooseok as a “treatment” of depression, but in the end, he is so addicted to this love and he would never ever regret it. Wooseok has become part of him and no one, nothing, shall take him away.

“I love you, my princess.” Seungyoun kisses Wooseok who is still sleeping. But Wooseok opens his eyes right after the gentle touch, just like Snow White being awakened by the prince passing by.

It takes a few seconds for Wooseok to fully realize it’s already morning. And then he suddenly recalls what happened last night… They were fully enjoying a night of desire and fun. It was quite a memorable anniversary, for sure. And now, they are entering their third year together.

“How are you feeling?” Seungyoun asks.

Wooseok knows that he is asking about his body condition because… last night they pretty much explored everything that one’s body could do… Of course, Wooseok doesn’t feel great, but he doesn’t really mind. So instead, he asks back, “Are you going to work today?”

“I’ll go after lunch. It’s already 10am.” Seungyoun looks at the clock on the wall.

“You know, you haven’t spent a single day with me since I began to lock myself at home,” Wooseok says. But he’s just stating the truth, not complaining. He then looks outside of the window, it’s a gloomy day, very dark, probably going to rain soon. Perhaps it's the weather, he suddenly feels that he's not in a high mood, even though last night was enjoyable.

“Sorry babe, I think the recording will be done in two days, and then I’ll spend all my time with you, ok?” Seungyoun comforts him. In fact, he desperately wants to finish the project asap. He really wants to be with Wooseok during this difficult time.

“It’s ok. It was me who asked you to take the job anyway. You need to be the breadwinner, remember?” Wooseok smiles. But there is definitely bitterness in that smile. He is not lacking money, but he is, indeed, jobless right now. And he has no idea how long this situation is going to last.

Seungyoun hugs Wooseok. Sometimes they just need to communicate through skinship, since words just sound so plain and useless. Wooseok feels Seungyoun's tight embrace and it somehow makes him want to cry. He has a feeling that something’s gonna happen. But maybe it’s just because he hasn’t been working for too long and is a little insecure? So he tells himself to just focus on the present and don't overthink.

Before Seungyoun leaves home in the early afternoon, he gives Wooseok a kiss on the forehead and says, "See you tonight, be good at home,” as usual.

“Alright,” Wooseok answers and pushes him out of the door. He can tell that Seungyoun is having a good mood today, probably because he had a lot of fun last night.

_So, how should I spend another boring day at home?_ Wooseok returns to the living room and falls into the sofa. The black TV screen reflects his lone self, and makes him realize that he actually has no friend.

He is used to spending the days with his aljussi for the past ten years, and recent two years, with Seungyoun when he comes back home. His days are usually full and busy, leaving no time for him to “make friends” or catch up with old acquaintances. And to think further back, when he arrived in Seoul many years ago, he lived in the trainees’ dorm, and that was when he thought he had “friends.” Later, he lived with Jinhyuk, who was good at socializing in the industry. So for a short period of time, he would go out with Jinhyuk and hang out with some idol or producer friends at Karaoke or restaurants. But those were just… business. It was impossible to make real friends that way.

In the end, he’s just alone.

“Am I a loser?” Wooseok asks himself bitterly. He then pulls out his cellphone, “It’s time to get back to reality.”

Wooseok has also become used to the fact that the moment he turns on his phone, there will be numerous unknown numbers and messages from saesang fans first, and then he’ll go back to check if there’s anything from his manager. But a week ago, even his manager has stopped contacting him. Today, after about a minute of vibration, he actually sees a message from his aljussi, “Call me when you have time.”

Wooseok immediately hits “call back,” and this urgent feeling even surprises himself. He knows it is because he’s been ignored for too long, and now he’s excited to just make a phone call. How pathetic, really.

“Ah, Wooseok-ah, did you sleep well?” Manager Choi aka aljussi picks up the phone quickly, and his voice still sounds energetic.

“Yea, pretty good.” Wooseok answers.

“It’s good that you can have more sleep nowadays.”

Wooseok feels a little awkward. Because since he and Seungyoun came back from England, he hasn’t been assigned many works due to a series of scandals and drama. So when aljussi comments on how he could sleep more, it feels more like unnecessary greetings.

“What’s the matter, aljussi? Anything happened?” Wooseok thus goes straight to the point.

“How have you been? Are you bored at home? Have you eaten well?” However, manager Choi is still beating around the bush.

Wooseok is not stupid; he’s actually very sensitive. So his aljussi’s attitude only makes him more irritated. However, he is also unsure if he should just cooperate with him to talk about the weather because at least, someone is talking to him. He then sighs internally and says, “Well, I’m doing well. Seungyoun has been cooking for me. Don’t worry.”

“I’m sorry, Wooseok. You know I’ve been really busy recently and have no time to visit you. I have to go to a lawyer and deal with the media every day. Just want to let you know that I haven’t forgotten about you, and I’ll visit you soon. So please stay at home and be good, ok?”

It’s funny to Wooseok that both Seungyoun and his manager always tell him to stay at home and be good. But at least, he can wait until Seungyoun comes back; what will come to him from his aljussi though?

“Ok, I know.” But his answer to aljussi is still affirmative and plain.

“Emm… and then… there’s actually another thing I want to tell you today.” Manager Choi clearly paused for a while and finally ready to get to the point.

“Go ahead.” And Wooseok is prepared.

“Well, remember last time when you came to the company, we talked about your next comeback? We scheduled for next month, right? But, you know, it is quite impossible to do that now because of what happened… So can we postpone it?” Manager Choi sounds so apologetic.

But to Wooseok, this is not even news because he didn’t expect the comeback to happen on time at all after what has happened recently. And what else can he say? Please don’t postpone it? That’s impossible.

So he just says to the phone coolly, “Fine, I’m ok with that.”

Nevertheless, manager Choi becomes silent for a few seconds again. And then Wooseok can hear that he has lit up a cigarette on the other side. Wooseok is a little surprised because his aljussi quit smoking when his daughter was born three years ago, so he asks, “Aljussi, are you smoking now?”

Manager Choi sighs, “Yea… It’s been quite stressful lately so I start it again.”

“Oh… is it… all because of me?” Wooseok asks but then feels stupid. Of course it’s all because of him. He was so willful and reckless, and as a result, causing a lot of troubles to people around him.

“Don’t blame yourself too much, Seok. It makes my heartache,” manager Choi says, “You’ve debuted for so many years, anything could happen. And as your manager, I should be prepared for it. So now when I think about it, some things may be deemed to happen anyway.”

“I’m sorry.” Wooseok apologizes because he has nothing else to say. Although he doesn’t like to be treated as a “product,” it is true that his face, his voice, his body, are all his company’s products. In fact, he thinks he may not have the courage to stand in front of the public and apologize right now. And he’s actually grateful that the company has taken the responsibility for him. It does take him too long to finally grow up.

“And there’s another thing…” Manager Choi speaks again on the phone.

“Ok, I’m listening.” Wooseok sounds calm, as he thinks there won’t be anything worse.

“Wooseok-ah, do you trust me?” Manager Choi suddenly says.

“Hm? I do, maybe?” Wooseok answers and feels strange.

“What do you mean by ‘maybe’?” Manager Choi smiles, but then soon changes to a more serious tone, “Ok, I really need to tell you but I’m afraid to make you sad… So I just want you to trust me, and believe that everything will get better soon.”

“Why are you still beating around the bush, hyung? Just say it.” Wooseok finally loses patience. But this time he is more nervous than just now, because of how hesitant his aljussi sounds.

“Ok… well… so the cooking show with Jinhyuk… you know, there are several episodes left unaired, right? Now they decide to edit out all your and Jinhyuk’s screentime.”

Wooseok is indeed surprised because he hasn’t been thinking about this variety show for a while and doesn’t even know that they haven’t finished airing.

“But… Jinhyuk…” Wooseok wants to say something but then doesn’t know what exactly he’s trying to express. He feels guilty that he not only made Jinhyuk lost his role in the drama, but now, also the cancellation in this popular variety show. 

“I know you must feel guilty right now, but he did something wrong as well and gave you a hard time, too.” Manager Choi adds, “So, just think that you two are even now.”

“Ok…” Wooseok lingers his voice, but still, it doesn’t feel good knowing that Jinhyuk has lost a lot of jobs, largely because of him.

“But Wooseok-ah…” Manager Choi raises his voice again, implicating that there is still something that he hasn’t said yet.

And this, honestly, tortures Wooseok. He holds his phone tightly.

“And there’s something about you only. This is the last thing I’m going to say today.”

“Really? Then it must be the worst news?” Wooseok tries to relax by cracking a not so funny joke.

“So for the next few months maybe… well, I don’t really know for how long… let’s just say ‘indefinitely,’ that all your music will be removed from the market, including online platforms, and all your brand sponsorships will be canceled…” Manager Choi finally lets out the most stressful news of the day. It tortures him too, to just tell Wooseok about this.

“What?” Wooseok stands up from the sofa upon hearing it. He’s been guessing about all kinds of penalties from the industry, but never this, never the total cancellation of his music! This is like killing him as an artist!

“Calm down, Seok, let me finish.” Manager Choi is worried.

“Is this our company’s decision? Or the higher-ups? Why? Tell me!!” Wooseok almost lost his temper. He doesn’t care about the sponsorship or being brand ambassadors, he only cares about his music! Those songs are his life works, how can they just remove them from the market? From people's lives? From public memory? Are they trying to remove his trace as a singer completely? Then what does he have left?

“Both. The company, as well as the higher stakeholders, sponsors… many parties…” Manager Choi explains, “You know, you came out as gay in public, and even though we handled it with some excuses, the bad influence is already there, and the public won’t just believe in us easily. That means, most people in society now believe that you are gay, ok?”

Of course, Wooseok knows that people would rather think he’s gay because who trusts the entertainment companies nowadays? But what does this have to do with his music? Is it really that unforgivable to be gay? And all those fans who have been supporting him for years, none of them can understand his sexual orientation now? How come? He doesn’t understand, he really doesn’t.

“Wooseok-ah, are you ok there? Actually I wanted to come to your place today, but… I really can’t leave the office. I have another meeting in ten minutes. So in short, the industry has never seen an idol suddenly coming out like you. And you know, homosexuality is a taboo in this industry. We’ve been framing you as the ‘national first-love’ but then you ruined it… so… the impact is huge. I heard that even some Parent-Teacher Associations wanted to sue you because you ‘brought bad influence’ to their children… I’m sorry Wooseok. This is the only way for us to save you… And we need to put you on indefinite hiatus in order to save the larger company, please understand…”

Wooseok heard every word clearly, he understands the “bad social influence” but he is still troubled by the fact that his music will be gone from the public. He doesn’t want to say anything back to his aljussi on the other side of the phone because there’s no point now. Does the society even allow him to speak now?

“Sorry, Wooseok. I’m not saying that you did something wrong. Whether you wanted to date Jinhyuk or Seungyoun, I have never interfered your choice over the years because I want you to be happy and be the real you. And I know, you are different from other kids because you need someone to protect you, to make you feel safe, am I right? But sorry, this industry is just… old-fashioned, corrupted, and malicious… It’s my fault that I didn’t protect you well…” Manager Choi keeps apologizing on the phone.

Wooseok can tell that his aljussi is truly in grief, he also knows how powerless a manager can be when the higher-ups have stepped in. However, there’s something inside him that still feels mad:

_Right, why didn’t you protect me better? Why can’t you just say, “it’s not your fault, it’s the society’s fault?” Why can’t you even show up in my house and tell me this in person? Isn’t it because you haven’t tried your best and now you can’t even face me?_

But of course, he swallowed these words, together with his angry tears.

“Ok… but how about my music? What does my music do wrong?” Wooseok still can’t get over this. His music is his last stance. He anxiously walks toward the balcony, trying to catch some fresh air. But he stops by the glass door as he finds that it is raining heavily outside.

“I’m really sorry, Wooseok. But we have to do this. Maybe later on, the industry will look at your case in a new light, and then they will allow your music to be restored. But now… the public consensus is not on your side… Please understand.” Manager Choi almost cries on the phone.

Wooseok stares at the pouring rain and thinks: So this is it. All his efforts in music over the years, including the efforts from Seungyoun, are now in vain. They are all worthless now. They are trash now. How funny. How pathetic.

“What do I have left, aljussi?” After a long silence, Wooseok finally speaks again, “How long do I have to wait? You know that the Artists Protection Association in Korea is useless, right?”

“I will try to help you. But we have to wait for a while… We need to wait until the public memory fades.” Manager Choi answers despairingly.

Wooseok sighs without saying a word in return. Meanwhile, he notices a fallen flower on the wet balcony floor. It is a pink begonia, the largest one from a nicely blossoming pot.

“And how about Seungyoun? Is he being affected by this in any way?” Wooseok asks.

“He should be fine. The public doesn’t really pay much attention to him. They think he’s like… your attachment or something, since he’s not really a public figure, you know.”

“Oh, really? My ‘attachment’?” Wooseok almost laughed out loud by the ridicule of it. Now he thinks he may never reconcile with this world, a world that thinks Seungyoun is only his “attachment,” a world that deprives his most beloved music.

“Ok, Seok, I need to go to my next meeting. Please be strong, and wait patiently, ok? Never give up. And I will help you!” Manager Choi quickly hangs up the phone, leaving Wooseok on the other side.

Wooseok puts down his phone and opens the glass door to the balcony. He then picks up the fallen begonia flower on the floor and gazes at it carefully. Its color is still vivid and lively...

“But you are already dead,” Wooseok murmurs. 


	36. Chapter 36

Seungyoun doesn’t check his phone often during recording, so it was that reliable assistant who told him about the news of Wooseok’s "national ban."

When the assistant gave his phone to Seungyoun, there was a huge headline on the screen saying, “Kim Wooseok Banned on All Media Platforms.”

Seungyoun was astonished. What? Why hasn’t he been noticed about anything related to this? He quickly scanned the news and found out that all of Wooseok's music would be removed from public platforms, and he would be on rest indefinitely.

“Fuck! This is ridiculous!” Seungyoun seldom curses in public but this time, he was outrageous.

“Are… are you ok, hyung?” The assistant was nervous, although he did understand that how could someone be “ok” when seeing a piece of news like this…

And then Seungyoun gave the phone back to his assistant, grabbed his jacket, and ran toward the studio door, “I’m leaving the rest to you here. I have to go home!” He then rushed out like a gust of wind.

Seungyoun dashes in the heavy rain and finds his car across the street. It is after he starts driving that he realizes he hasn’t even called Wooseok to check if he’s ok. He spares one hand to dig out his phone from his messy bag and dials Wooseok’s number, but no one answers. He calls manager Choi next, but the line is busy. 

“Shit!” Seungyoun curses again.

He waits for 10 minutes and calls Wooseok again. But this time, the system sound tells him that the receiver has already turned off his phone… Seungyoun is sweating restlessly: So Wooseok deliberately turned off his phone? What is he planning to do? Seungyoun doesn’t want to think about the worst possibilities, so he decides to focus on the road and gets home asap.

However, when he reaches the central district of the city, the rush hour suddenly begins, and his car is jammed in the traffic in no time. Frustrated, he turns on the radio and a program discussing current affairs starts to play automatically. To his surprise, it is actually talking about Jinhyuk right now.

“Jinhyuk has learned a lesson this time,” says the host, “As a public figure, one needs to be responsible for what he says. This time he caused bad social influence by making inappropriate jokes and now he’s been canceled for two dramas! What a hard lesson to learn in life!”

“You know, his fans are divided now. Some still support him, some have already left. In today’s entertainment world, new idols come forward too fast, so if you did even a little something wrong, you could immediately be replaced by others and you’ll lose all your fans. This is also a challenging time for T Media,” says a guest.

A few minutes into the show, while the host and a guest have discussed Jinhyuk and T Media, Seungyoun notices that Wooseok’s name has never been mentioned. But suddenly, a third voice chimes in, “To be honest, I think the entertainment industry is too harsh on people who have ‘unique personalities.’ Maybe we should be more understanding and inclusive? There is this person whose name I can’t really mention right now due to the policy… he has always been a good role model for the public. It’s just that… he recently posted a controversial photo and that ruined his whole career… I personally like his music a lot… so I want to propose this question: Is it really necessary to cancel a celebrity completely and pretend his works have never existed, just because he did something that didn’t conform to the social norms?”

Seungyoun is a little surprised that there is actually one conscientious guest in this show. But he’s more shocked that Wooseok’s name has already become a taboo. Like this fast? And just as the third voice has said, Wooseok didn’t do anything illegal. He was just not part of the “norm,” so how can the media and public suddenly treat him like this?

Seungyoun’s phone vibrates again. He anxiously picks it up without even looking because he thought it must be Wooseok. However, it is actually manager Choi.

“Seungyoun, what’s wrong? I was in a meeting.”

“Hyung, where is Wooseok?” Seungyoun asks without giving any context.

“What? Isn’t he at home? I called him earlier this afternoon.”

“I don’t know. He’s not answering my call. So… I saw the news. He’s now being banned by all the media, huh?” Seungyoun tries to confirm the news with manager Choi.

“Err… yea…” manager Choi immediately sounds nervous and hesitant.

Seungyoun gets furious by this attitude. He can't help but yells at the phone: “Can’t you help him? Why aren’t you by his side now??? Aren’t you his manager???”

“Seungyoun! Calm down!” Manager Choi yells back. But then he lowers his voice and explains, “There are things that I cannot decide…”

“Or you should have at least told me earlier, then I wouldn’t go to work today. Wooseok has been very unstable recently, now with this news, I really don’t know if he’ll do something stupid…” Seungyoun can’t even continue. He’s been avoiding to think about the worst-case scenario but… what if…

“Seungyoun-ah, Seungyoun!?” And now manager Choi seems to also realize the seriousness of this issue's aftermath, “How about I’m going to your place now? Are you also on your way home?”

“No, it’s fine. I’ll handle it myself. And now I know he’s not in the company, so I'll look somewhere else.” Seungyoun hangs up the phone.

The cars on the street move slower than usual due to the rain. Seungyoun gets impatient and honks for many times, which is meaningless, but enough for him to vent some anxiety. He scratches his hair and wonders what Wooseok would feel upon knowing the news. Well, although Wooseok seems like he’s more into love and relationship than his career, it is definitely not true. Seungyoun knows full well how serious Wooseok is with his music. He still remembers the first time they met, Wooseok was so harsh on himself in the recording room, and repeatedly asking him to detail his expectations. Wooseok’s eyes are so bright, determined, and serious when he talks about his music and how he wants to present a song. He also hates when people presume that idols don’t know how to sing, or don’t take techniques seriously. Moreover, when his last album got a trophy, Wooseok even held it to sleep that night… The more Seungyoun recalls, the angrier and heartbroken he gets. Just because Wooseok was brave enough to come out to the public, he now becomes a “criminal” whose name cannot even be mentioned in the media. And all his music, his achievements, are like nonexistent… How can this world treat Wooseok like this? He’s had enough since he was only a teenager, and now, after he could finally enjoy a normal life, the society cancels him again?

_I am the only one for him now. He only has me…_ Seungyoun tells himself. The whole world betrayed Wooseok, and he’s the only one who will forever by his side.

_So please, don’t leave me. Never leave me… Wooseokie…_

Seungyoun parks his car outside their high-end apartment building and rushes inside, regardless of the fact that it is forbidden to park there.

“Wooseok? You there?” He yells upon entering their home. But the space in front of him is dark and quiet.

Seungyoun messily turns on all the light switches and runs to check every room, but Wooseok is nowhere to be found. Disoriented and frustrated, he goes to the balcony, trying to get some fresh air. But the moment he opens the glass door, a strong wind blows in, carrying away some papers on the table to the floor. The mess of the room increases and Seungyoun’s mind also becomes more chaotic. He looks around and doesn’t even know what to do next. Perhaps he has never been this befuddled before in his own home.

Manager Choi calls in again.

“Seungyoun, are you home yet? Is Wooseok home?”

“No. He’s not. He disappeared.” Seungyoun answers in a tone that sounds indifferent, or maybe, devastated.

“I tried to call him too, but he turned off his phone…” Manager Choi sighs heavily, “He was alright when I told him about the ban…”

“You didn’t even come here to see him; how did you know he was alright?” Seungyoun asks him without sympathy. He is truly mad at manager Choi right now and he can’t even be polite and hide this feeling anymore.

While still on the phone, Seungyoun suddenly wants to check the cupboard where they put their medicines. He goes back to the kitchen, opens the cupboard doors, and somewhat unsparingly, Wooseok’s meds are all gone. For a moment, he doesn’t know if he should feel a little relieved that Wooseok went out remembering to take his daily meds or be concerned that he might have swallowed them all. He looks into the empty space and lost in thought, until manager Choi’s voice sounds again and pulls him back to reality:

“Seungyoun, don’t overthink. I’m helping you find him. But don’t call the police yet. We can’t make a fuss about him being disappeared.”

“Yes, I know.” Seungyoun is now calmer but it is because he realizes that, he doesn’t even know where could Wooseok go. 

“I’ll call my connections. But let’s keep in touch. Seungyoun, please be calm. He’ll be alright.” Manager Choi leaves the line. He actually had no position to tell Seungyoun “everything will be all right,” but at the same time, this seemed like the only thing that he could say.

Seungyoun sits on the sofa in frustration. He tries to call Wooseok again but the call could still not be connected. But at this time, he suddenly sees a begonia flower on the table in front of him. Wooseok once told him that begonia is his favorite flower. One day he ordered a pot online and put it on the balcony. However, it is Seungyoun who ends up taking care of the flowers every day and he is not even sure if Wooseok has noticed it or not. Seungyoun stares at this lonely flower which was probably fallen from the whole plant and wonders if Wooseok was also sitting here staring at it a few hours ago. What was he thinking? Ah, this naughty princess, why did you run away then?

_Why would you run away after I finally had the courage to tell you to never leave me?_

Wait, would it be possible that he went to Jinhyuk’s place? Although he hates to admit it, it is true that Jinhyuk “saved” Wooseok when he needed someone the most in the past. Seungyoun quickly pulls out his phone and finds Jinhyuk’s number. He once thought he’d never call this number in life, but now, he has to try every possibility.

“Hey, Seungyoun, how come you are calling me?” Jinhyuk answers quickly.

“I just want to know if Wooseok is at your place.” Seungyoun feels quite embarrassed to ask this. It’s like dropping his pride on the floor. Also, even though he punched Jinhyuk a while ago, they have never reconciled after that, so the situation is really awkward.

“Don’t tell me he has run away?” Jinhyuk is so sharp sometimes.

“He’s not home and cannot be found on the phone. I wonder if it’s because of today’s news… you know, the ban…” Seungyoun says matter-of-factly.

“So you think he’s in my place? I thought you would know him better than I do now.” Jinhyuk’s voice sounds like he’s enjoying a show, which really pisses Seungyoun off. He swears to god if Jinhyuk is in front of him right now, he’d hit him again.

“Well, I was just asking,” Seungyoun is about to hang up the phone.

“Hey, wait.” And Jinhyuk apparently senses that, so he adds, “Unfortunately, he would not come to my place now, after he met you.”

Seungyoun holds the phone in silence.

“But, he has nowhere to go,” Jinhyuk continues.

“What do you mean?”

“He has no friends; he has no favorite ‘spot’ to hang out. And, you know, because he has been assaulted before, he doesn’t like wandering around by himself.”

And this suddenly makes Seungyoun realize something… Although he hates to admit, Jinhyuk truly knows Wooseok’s whereabouts better at this point. Compared to Jinhyuk, he didn’t have any idea where Wooseok would go when he felt depressed…

“Thank you. I apologize for last time.” Seungyoun finally says, somewhat unwillingly.

“It’s ok. You knew I was on purpose,” Jinhyuk also becomes more candid on the other side of the line, “Also, I gave up already. I won’t bother you guys again. I’m kinda jobless right now so I guess we are even. Wooseok is not a kid anymore, so he should be fine. Maybe he’ll come back home in no time.” Jinhyuk then hangs up the phone.

Nevertheless, Seungyoun is still immersed in Jinhyuk’s words. Yes, Wooseok is no longer a kid and he should know how to protect himself. But Seungyoun can’t forgive himself for not knowing Wooseok enough. Wooseok has always been this sweet and lovely “princess” in his eyes, but also fragile and sometimes pathetic. Seungyoun can tell that Wooseok has lost some passion for his job recently but he would still try his best to finish everything perfectly; he can be willful on the surface but deep inside he is also full of self-doubt and depressive thoughts. But that's all, that's all he knows. And now, he finally understands that he hasn’t opened the innermost lock on Wooseok’s heart. And it’s not because he can’t, but that he deliberately chose to avoid it. He pretended that he didn’t see it so that he didn’t have to take more responsibilities…

Seungyoun buries his face in his palms—so what he’s been avoiding, is his own incompetency to fully love someone.

He would get jealous of Jinhyuk, because he was afraid that he couldn’t win him.

He decided not to ask about Wooseok’s nightmares because he was afraid they were about his previous relationships. 

He was afraid to know more about Wooseok’s past so even when Jinhyuk told him about that sexual assault incident, he still hasn’t held an open conversation with Wooseok until today.

And he would avoid touching his own music instruments due to the fear of facing his withered talent, yet also selfishly hoping that Wooseok could wait for him to rise again and postpone the marriage…

In the end, when there were too many unstable factors in their relationship that it was on the verge of breaking down, his only solution was always sex, sex, sex, and nothing really got solved…

Instead of opening the last lock on Wooseok’s heart, Seungyoun now feels like he has just recognized himself. It hurts. It hurts to be this honest with himself. But he also feels more relieved now.

The balcony door is still open, blowing in a few drops of rain onto the table where the fallen begonia flower is quietly lying. 

Actually, Wooseok has always been paying attention to that pot of begonia on the balcony, hasn’t he? A grin finally climbs up on Seungyoun’s face.

He then calls manager Choi again, “Where is Wooseok’s home in Daejeon? Please tell me now!”


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW! IT'S THE FINAL CHAPTER!  
> 

Seungyoun runs back to his car and starts the engine. He didn’t prepare anything with him and he just wants to get to Daejeon first. Manager Choi didn’t know where exactly Wooseok’s home is in Daejeon, but he gave Seungyoun his home number. However, when Seungyoun called, that number was unreachable, and it made him wonder if Wooseok actually gave the company a fake number in the first place. Anyway, he decides to get there and then think about what to do next.

This decision was, indeed, very spontaneous if not crazy. Nobody told him that Wooseok went back to his hometown Daejeon, but when Jinhyuk mentioned that Wooseok had no friends and didn’t like to hang out alone, Seungyoun suddenly had this thought that he would only go home, go to his first home.

It takes a little more than an hour to get to Daejeon from Seoul. Seungyoun keeps telling himself to not overthink while driving on the highway. He’s going to find Wooseok and bring him back. Everything will be fine.

But of course, he knows he’s just comforting himself with no evidence. After all, he doesn’t even know where Wooseok’s family house is.

It is already 11pm when he enters the Daejeon city. No one’s walking on the streets. The shops are closed but have left their lights on, making the empty street scene even more lonely. Seungyoun drives around the city aimlessly, and half an hour later, he finally parks the car by a nameless street to take a rest. He calls Wooseok’s cellphone again but still cannot be connected. This is perhaps the first time that Seungyoun has done something this unplanned. Even when he wanted to comment suicide in Jeju, he planned everything out carefully if it was not because the sudden rise of a red moon saved his life in the end. He laughs at himself bitterly in the car, thinking that only Wooseok would change him into someone so spontaneous and unprepared like this. He just hasn’t seen Wooseok for less than a day, but he is already afraid that he’ll lose him forever. Now when Seungyoun thinks about the possibility of losing Wooseok forever, his head would immediately be filled with fear. He wonders if he actually comes to Daejeon not only to find Wooseok, but also to find himself. Because he can’t imagine a life without Wooseok now. He doesn’t know how to live alone anymore. 

At this time, a policeman approaches him and knocks on the window, “Hey, you’re not allowed to park here.” He says.

“Oh, sorry. I just arrived from Seoul and don’t know about the rules here.” Seungyoun sits up and apologizes.

The policeman looks about his father’s age and doesn’t seem like he’s here to give Seungyoun a hard time. After staring at Seungyoun for another few seconds and finds him unsuspicious, the policeman’s expression becomes rather curious, “So where are you going, young man?”

“I… I don’t know…” Seungyoun answers, “I’m looking for someone and all I know is that this person is in Daejeon…”

The policeman looks startled, “What year is this? Don’t you have a phone and call this person?”

“The phone is turned off…” Seungyoun looks down in frustration, “never mind, I’ll find a way.” He then smiles at the policeman remorsefully and starts the engine.

However, the policeman seems to become more interested in him and his situation. It does look strange that a young, good-looking man driving a high-end automobile is looking this sad and frustrated at midnight. So the policeman asks, “Kid, are you looking for your friend? Girlfriend? You know, I have a son who’s probably in your age, and whenever he’s dumped by a girl, he looks exactly like you right now.”

“I, I was not dumped!” Seungyoun suddenly becomes defensive and explains. The policeman laughs out loud, “Well, did your girlfriend tell you anything about her hometown? You need to at least know something about here, right? Otherwise, I’d say you’re not a good boyfriend.” The policeman jokes and pokes Seungyoun across the window.

It’s true. Seungyoun thinks that he’s not a good and competent boyfriend. Everything he knows about Wooseok seems to have come from someone else or somewhere else. His childhood, his family, his favorite places… he really doesn’t know. Now as Seungyoun thinks about it, it is Wooseok who would always cater to his hobbies and needs, sacrificing his choices to make Seungyoun happy. It must be a miracle that their hearts chose to clash one day, and they have become this in love ever since…

“You’re right. I’m not a good boyfriend. I know nothing…” Seungyoun mutters.

“Well, I can’t help you much then. But it’s quite late now, how about you settle down in a hotel and start looking tomorrow? Emm… oh, there is a quite famous cuisine street near here, you can even eat there before searching again. There is a really shabby but good stall selling Bungeo-ppang, you should definitely try it. And then, you should apologize to your girlfriend over and over again, listen to what she thinks and wants instead of always focusing on yourself, ok? I educate my son like this all the time.” The policeman then waves his hand and walks away, leaving Seungyoun himself in the car, enchanted.

And maybe 30 seconds after, Seungyoun suddenly realizes something. He opens the door in a rush and shouts: “Aljussi!! No, I mean, policeman!! Wait a second!!!”

The street is so quiet so Seungyoun’s sound is so abrupt and powerful. The policeman turns around confused, and in his eyes, the young man in his son’s age leaves his car and runs towards him.

“Did you just say there is a stall selling Bungeo-ppang? So, is there also an elementary school?” Seungyoun asks ardently.

“Yea, there is an elementary school at the end of the cuisine street. And the woman who sells Bungeo-ppang always parks there, for many years already. We had a renovation of that street a year ago, but she was the only one who didn’t have to change because she’s selling on a cart. She doesn’t have a shop, you know.” The policeman sounds quite enthusiastic and proud to introduce this famous local woman to Seungyoun, and at one point he suddenly realizes, “Wait, does your girlfriend like it?”

“Thank you!!! Aljussi!!!” Seungyoun is so excited by the information and he forgets that this is actually a policeman again and almost wants to give him a hug. He then runs back to his car, and as he passes the policeman again, he opens the window and says happily, “And, it’s not my ‘girlfriend,’ he’s much more important than that!”

Bungeo-ppang. Bungeo-ppang. This is the only thing that Seungyoun remembers about Wooseok’s childhood. “There was a food booth outside his elementary school and an ajumma selling my favorite Bungeo-ppang…” Wooseok once told him. Although there may be many ajummas selling Bungeo-ppang outside many elementary schools in Daejeon, for some reason Seungyoun firmly believes that this is it. It is destiny that leads him here. 

Seungyoun then spends the night in a hotel nearby, and the next morning, he wakes up super early and walks to that cuisine street a few blocks away.

At first, Seungyoun thought it would be a food street for tourists, but it turns out that this street is much more ordinary and local. Because he arrives too early, the shop owners are still preparing for the morning market. Some ajummas are cleaning the small restaurants or sitting on the stairs chatting. Of course, there are also some people who have noticed Seungyoun, an unfamiliar face that is almost too handsome to be here in the early morning.

“Are you a traveler? I’ve never seen you here before,” an ajumma first talks to Seungyoun with a flowery smile on her face.

“Emm… kind of.” Seungyoun answers while politely bowing down.

“No wonder! I thought I knew all the pretty boys around this block! Haha.” The ajumma jokes with another woman beside her. The other one then adds, “You can come back here at noon. We won’t open until that time. And if you come back later afternoon, there will be too many kids coming out of school.”

Seungyoun smiles and thanks them. He actually felt a little awkward at first when these women talked to him, but then he realized this is probably the culture of Daejeon since even a policeman would approach him and talk about his son last night. Seungyoun finds this friendly culture also very cute. As someone growing up in the cold capital Seoul, being greeted by tons of strangers in the morning is quite a new experience for him. 

He follows the signs and walks on the street until finally sees an elementary in the end. It’s not even 9 o’clock, so of course there is no sign of a food stall selling Bungeo-ppang. He then sits on the stair outside the school, and hears the students reading sound coming from it. He doesn’t know how long he has to wait, but it’s quite nice to just breathe the air of Wooseok’s hometown and sees the school that he used to attend. While waiting, Seungyoun wonders if Wooseok was popular among girls when he was in this school. How were his grades? Was he famous in the area?... As these questions come to his mind, he also blames himself for not talking to Wooseok enough, and not trying to know more about him. In fact, he wants to know all these unimportant but essential episodes of Wooseok’s life, but why weren’t he more candid and honest with himself before?

Probably two hours have passed, and with the talking, smiling, and shouting of young boys and girls in the school’s playground, Seungyoun finally sees a small and tattered truck coming this way. He stands up and waits, and soon enough, the truck stops on the other side of the school gate.

An ajumma, probably in her 60s already, slowly gets off and starts to prepare her work station for making the Bungeo-ppang. Seungyoun is fascinated by her careful and proficient movements and almost forgets about the real intention of his waiting. And until the aljumma turns up the fire under the pans, Seungyoun finally approaches her and greets.

“Hello, aljumma!”

And the aljumma clearly is startled by this good-looking young man who is way taller than her. But then she smiles at him and says, “You need to wait, kid. I just opened my booth.”

Seungyoun nods, and then shakes his head, “No, aljumma, I just want to ask you something. Do you remember, about 20 years ago, there was a boy named Kim Wooseok who would always buy Bungeo-ppang from you?” But he quickly feels a little ridiculous after asking, because how could a normal person remember a small kid customer from 20 years ago?

“Of course I remember him!” However, the aljumma’s face suddenly lights up and she’s clearly excited to hear that name, “I remember him, Kim Wooseok. He was a shy boy. There were girls who liked to follow him around, but then he would not play with them, haha, and those girls would come to me and complain.” The ajumma recalls as if those weren’t distant memory.

“Oh my god, really?” Seungyoun is so surprised because he can’t believe he’s really this lucky to find this aljumma. He leans forward a little more and then the aljumma speaks again:

“Yea, and he left here for Seoul because he wanted to be an idol. When his group released the first album, he came back and sent me one CD and signed it, haha. He really likes my Bungeo-ppang…” the aljumma can’t stop smiling when talking about Wooseok, “He was really shy so I was surprised that he wanted to be an idol. But he’s so good-looking and popular among girls so I guess it works out well. Oh, there were some boys who would always give him a hard time because they were jealous of his popularity. But then I would scold those boys and secretly give Wooseok more snacks… But he hasn’t come back for a long time… he must be doing well in Seoul.”

Seungyoun is immersed in the aljumma’s vivid description of Wooseok’s childhood. So he used to be super shy? But of course he has always been popular… Seungyoun thinks that Wooseok must have endured a lot of bully throughout the years…

“Are you his friend? I’m afraid you can’t find him here though,” the aljumma’s voice brings Seungyoun back to reality.

“Yea, I’m his friend from Seoul. He’s doing well indeed,” Seungyoun says.

“Oh, but isn’t he still here? Or did anything happen?”

Seungyoun doesn’t know how to explain, because he is also not sure if Wooseok is here in Daejeon.

The aljumma sees something uncertain in this young man’s eyes, so she sighs and says, “Well, I know his parents just moved to a new house on that small hill. They are both teachers in this school. See, over there, a block of new houses, those were built for the teachers. Maybe you can ask around there.”

Seungyoun looks at the aljumma in surprise and full of gratefulness. He still can’t believe that people here can be this friendly and sincere. It’s not even 12 hours since he arrived, but he’s already got a lot of help from the local people, and now, he feels even closer to Wooseok. But he also feels a little sorrowful: growing up here, Wooseok could have been so blessed and happy, yet he has experienced so many miserable things… and then in Seoul, the start of his dream was also a nightmare…

Seungyoun shakes these negative thoughts away and says to the aljumma, “I’ll buy some Bungeo-ppang, please.”

“Oh, sure! How many?” the aljumma sees this young man’s face from being gloomy to bright and feels happier for him, too, even though she has no idea what really goes on.

About twenty minutes later, Seungyoun is holding a paper bag with a dozen of Bungeo-ppang in it. He thanks the aljumma over and over again and then walks toward the houses in the hill. On the way, he actually ate one Bungeo-ppang and was astonished by how delicious it was. It must be a hundred times more tasty than the ones he bought on Seoul’s street the other day, which were after all wasted…

The houses on the hill all look the same. Although there are names on the mailboxes outside each house, Seungyoun has no idea what’s Wooseok’s father or mother’s name. He paces back and forth outside, sometimes checks on the mailboxes, anyway, he knows that he must be looking super suspicious. 

After a while, he decides to call Wooseok’s number again. And surprisingly, this time the phone gets connected!

However, after waiting for a long time on the line, still no one answers it. Moreover, when Seungyoun calls back again, the phone is turned off.

Ok, at least he knows that Wooseok is ok. It’s just that he may be avoiding him deliberately. This gives Seungyoun some hope. He is no longer embarrassed and suddenly shouts at the top of his lung: “Kim Wooseok!!!”

Nevertheless, only the dogs in people’s houses answered his calling, as their barks come out one after another in the originally quiet block. It's a weekday so people must all be outside working, leaving their pets at home to be the guards.

Now Seungyoun feels embarrassed again. He hides under a bike shed and observes around. For some reason, this reminds him of his childhood, when he would always go to a classmate’s house and yell her name just so they could go to school together. At that time, he was not afraid of anything, no matter what time, he would use all his strength to shout out that girl’s name which he doesn’t even remember now. And of course, there would always be some angry adults from other rooms open the window and ask him to shut up… And just now, when he shouted Wooseok’s name, it reminded him of how pure and reckless he was as a child. He was so different back then, and how he wishes he could have inherited some of that bravery, strength, and confidence to now so that he could have protected Wooseok—the love of his life—much better.

And then, he runs outside of the shed again and yells, “Kim Wooseok!”

“Woof-woof.”

“Arf-arf.”

(still dog barks).

Seungyoun gets more and more frustrated. He sits on the edge of a flower terrace and tells himself to accept the fact that Wooseok is not here at all. He also feels hungry as he only ate a Bungeo-ppang since last night. He looks into the paper bag and finds that the Bungeo-ppangs inside are all cold now. He hugs the bag and sighs, thinking that even though he has got lucky to finally find this place, maybe the string of fate between him and Wooseok is not strong enough to make him find his “princess” in the end…

As the word “princess” bumps into his head, he happens to see a little girl and his grandpa passing by. The girl is wearing a pink dress and has a hairband like a crown, basically the definition of “a little princess.” Out of nowhere, an idea comes to Seungyoun’s head again, and he decides to make this the last try. If he still can’t find Wooseok here, he’ll just go home.

So he stands up, facing the sky, and shouts at the top of his lung, “Princess!!! Are you home???”

This time, instead of dog barks, what “welcomes” him is the continuing sound of windows being opened. Next, several angry old men and women shout: “Who the hell is yelling?” “Shut up!!”

Seungyoun crouches on the flower terrace upon hearing the scolds just like what he heard when he was a kid. But this time, he can’t help but laughs. It feels like a relief, that he finally vented some anxiety and frustration by completely letting out the voice inside his mind.

And, suddenly, out of nowhere, he thinks he heard a familiar voice:

“Cho Seungyoun! Are you crazy???”

Seungyoun slowly looks up as he can’t be sure even though at the same time he is also sure whose voice it is. And then, he clearly sees a small head stretching out from the second floor of a house a few meters away, and that’s his Kim Wooseok!

Seungyoun waves happily at him like a 5-year-old. He also apologetically nods to the angry grandpas and grandmas (maybe some dogs, too), and then runs toward where Wooseok is living.

“Are you out of your mind? Why are you so silly? I feel so ashamed!” Wooseok opens the door for him and these are the first thing he says. He also hits Seungyoun’s back harshly and pushes him inside.

“Ahhh… it hurts!” Seungyoun acts exaggeratedly.

“Stop being dramatic!” Wooseok rolls his eyes, and then gets out a pair of slippers for him.

“It hurts, really! You have no idea how strong you are sometimes!” Seungyoun says. He’s so happy at the moment and all the frustration and doubts disappear instantly. He even wants to make Wooseok more angry at him because the angry Wooseok is so cute in his eyes.

“Why were you yelling outside? What if I’m not here? Are you going to yell ‘princess’ for the whole day? I think people will call the police! Also, didn’t I tell you to never call me ‘princess’ in public?... Aigoo you are so ridiculous!!! Ahh wait… but… how did you find here?” Wooseok looks annoyed by Seungyoun but the fact that he keeps asking questions has also revealed how much he cares. As Seungyoun is being quiet, Wooseok finally stops and meets the taller’s smiley eyes. Just one glimpse, he immediately feels soft: “Come in, idiot. No one is home.”

This is Wooseok’s parents’ house and they just moved in here, so the decoration is really simple. Seungyoun looks around curiously and then finds that Wooseok is standing on the stair looking at him impatiently. He then smiles and follows him up.

Wooseok’s room is also very simple and clean. Seungyoun sits on a chair and then remembers that he still holds a bag of Bungeo-ppang. So he waves the bag in front of Wooseok and says, “See what I have bought!”

Wooseok closes the window and turns around. Seeing Seungyoun waving at him like a happy shiba inu makes his heart flutter again. However, he manages to stay indifferent and says, “What did you buy?” He then walks closer and looks inside, and of course, is surprised to find the Bungeo-ppangs.

“I found the stall that you mentioned! And I talked to that aljumma. That’s why I could find you here.” Seungyoun’s eyes shine like stars while explaining.

And Wooseok, who is such an easy victim to Seungyoun’s bright gaze and crescent smiley eyes, suddenly forgets about what to respond. He just takes the bag and holds it tightly in his chest, then speaks quietly, “So you remember?”

“Of course! Didn’t you say you liked this when you were a kid? And you said it was a small stall outside the school gate.” Seungyoun recalls like a winner. Since Wooseok seldom told him about his childhood, this was the rare case that he would never forget.

“Oh, ok.” Wooseok still pretends to be unimpressed. He then takes one Bungeo-ppang out and has a bite. Although it is cold already and the red bean paste is no longer as soft, it is still his favorite taste. A vague smile climbs upon his face, and after silently finishing the entire one, he asks Seungyoun, “Oh sorry, do you want one?”

“I actually had one just now, hehe.” Seungyoun smiles innocently, “It was really good, the hot one just came out of the stove.”

“Huh? I thought you bought them for me, but you had one first?” Wooseok instantly complains.

And this, signals the start of their “normal” conversation again.

Seungyoun vividly tells Wooseok about how he got to Daejeon, met the policeman, and then found his elementary school and here through the nice people on the cuisine street. Everything he had encountered since yesterday has given him a warm feeling that he will never forget.

Wooseok leans against a table while listening to Seungyoun. He keeps eating the Bungeo-ppangs regardless of the fact that they are quite fat and cold. Yes, he can tell that Seungyoun is so excited about all the lucky experiences and encounters and that he’s almost engrossed in his own words. But at the same time, Wooseok still has a load on his mind.

“How did you know I came back to Daejeon?” After Seungyoun finally finishes his “adventure story,” Wooseok asks.

“Ask yourself, babe. How come you just left home without telling me? I was worried about you.” Seungyoun also becomes more serious as their topic is back to the main one.

Wooseok looks a little guilty. He does feel sorry that he just left without telling anyone and that must have scared Seungyoun a lot. He looks down at the floor and says, “So… you’ve known everything, haven’t you? The ban on me and my music…”

“Yes, I knew it yesterday afternoon. Then I rushed home but you were not there. I was freaking out, ok? I asked your manager, and he didn’t know your whereabouts either. I even… Well, never mind. Now I find you, so that’s the best thing.” Seungyoun almost told Wooseok that he also contacted Jinhyuk, but nope, skip that.

“I’m sorry… I was just… I didn’t know what to do. And I didn’t want to talk.” Wooseok lowers his voice even more.

“Not even to me?”

“Right… I’m sorry Seungyoun.” Wooseok nods.

“Don’t apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Seungyoun’s heart aches everything Wooseok says “sorry.” He wants to grab Wooseok’s hand, but Wooseok shies away.

“Of course I did something wrong! I did a lot of things wrong!” Wooseok suddenly becomes agitated, “I did terrible things. I brought troubles to everyone… And only you… only you will tell me that I did nothing wrong. That’s why I didn’t want to see you or talk to you yesterday!” Wooseok pauses and then walks toward the window again. He realizes that he still doesn’t want to see Seungyoun’s concerning expression. Because then he will surely be forgiven, when in fact, he shouldn’t be.

However, Seungyoun quickly stands up and catches him. He then embraces Wooseok from the back, and as soon as Wooseok is about to run away, he holds him tighter and almost demands, “Don’t run away from me!”

And Wooseok is startled by Seungyoun’s voice this time. He stands there in silence, letting the older to hold his waist firmer and stronger.

Of course, Seungyoun is not going to punish Wooseok. He just wants him to calm down and listen.

“Don’t blame yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong! Trust me! I’m not trying to make you feel better. I’m telling the truth. What you did was to reveal our relationship to the public, or, unless you mean having a relationship with me is a mistake?”

Oh, this question again… Wooseok once asked Jinhyuk the same question, so he knows the weight this question carries. How ironic. How can he make his boyfriend ask the same question now?

“No…” Wooseok shakes his head, “But, I don’t think you will understand.”

“What do you mean? You haven’t even said anything, how do you know that I won’t understand?” Seungyoun insists and stands to walk him around the room. They do this quite a lot in their home in Seoul.

“Just… everything around me makes me feel like I’m an annoying person. The people, the things, the air, everything is telling me how terrible I am. It’s heavy, you know? And I’m so tired… I thought ‘being loved’ is a form of true love, but maybe, it’s just perfunctory.”

“Everything? Does that include me?” Seungyoun asks.

“No, you are the only different existence.” Wooseok repudiates with a bitter smile, “They want to cancel me, remove all my music. I think this is no different from killing me. I can’t control how media and fans see me, but my music… they are _mine!_ How can they deprive my music from me?” Wooseok continues with more distressing emotion, “I know I’m just an idol. I’m nothing. There are tons of new idols coming forward every season, every year, so it’s ok that I just disappear from the public. So I guess I became famous was not because I was actually good, but that my company was having sympathy for me? But for me, if everyone rejects the existence of my music, then who am I? What were my past ten years? A dream? Isn’t it strange? I thought I didn’t care about my career anymore because now I have you. But yesterday, I suddenly realized that I actually became more greedy now. I want you, and I want my career as an idol, too. When I had the courage to face my inner desire, I also found that maybe this was why the society hates me… I can’t have all, and they won’t let me have all… So in the end, they’ll just remove me from the public memory…”

Seungyoun listens to Wooseok’s confession attentively. He understands. He understands everything Wooseok said. How can he not understand? He used to choose “death” just because his music couldn’t gain audiences, and he couldn’t find meaning in his creation. He hated himself for being frustrated by such a “small thing” but he hated himself more for being “ordinary.” So he wanted to disappear because after all, nobody would care…

However, everything changed after he met Wooseok. Without him, even if he didn’t jump out of the hotel in Jeju Island years ago, he would probably still choose another way to end his life later. But it was Wooseok who gave him the value and affirmation that he needed; it was Wooseok who made him realize the meaning of his creation; it was also Wooseok, who taught him that it’s ok to feel lonely, feel needy, and rely on someone else.

Wooseok is still mesmerized in his own confession. Last night after he came home in Daejeon, he locked himself in the room and didn’t even talk to his parents. He stared at the white ceiling and recalled all the encounters at home and in Seoul throughout the years, and realized that maybe he was not afraid of loneliness per se, but afraid of being “ordinary.” That’s why he couldn’t bear it anymore when the ban was placed on him. It signaled his “death” as an idol. The terror of ordinary is like death, or maybe, scarier than death.

He looks out of the window, there are some luxuriant trees and flourishing flowers on the terrace, and there are also some white, unknown flowers falling on the ground.

The “withering” and “falling” of flowers are so normal, but still makes people sad.

“I guess in the end, I can’t be the ‘best self’ anymore, because my ‘best self’ has already passed.” Wooseok sighs.

For Seungyoun, it is so rare to actually hear Wooseok talk about his feelings in such detail and sincerity. But after hearing every word that he said, a sense of urgency rises in Seungyoun's heart. Perhaps there is also fear, but more importantly, he feels an urge in mind that is screaming at him: “it must be here! Must be now!”

So he grabs Wooseok’s shoulders and turns him around. As the smaller man is facing him, Seungyoun shouts: “Let’s get married then. Wooseok, let’s get married! Let’s not wait anymore! Fuck the promises, fuck the new album, fuck the ‘best self’! Forget about them all! I was too selfish in the past, I thought by waiting, we could achieve our own ‘best version’ and then get married. But no, no, there won’t be any better us.”

Wooseok is stunned by the sudden proposal. He steps back a bit and looks at Seungyoun in shock. And then, after a moment of silence, he suddenly feels sad, “But it can’t be now… Seungyoun… I’m the worst version of myself now…” He can’t help but cries uncontrollably. He’s been anticipating the day that Seungyoun can finally propose to him, but no, it’s not now, it’s not like this… It shouldn’t be on the day when he feels the worst about his life and feels useless and valueless, and even wants to die… See, even Seungyoun said “there won’t be a ‘better version’ of ourselves” … so what’s the point…

“Say something, Wooseok, what do you think?” Seungyoun is still very excited. He gazes at Wooseok even compellingly. However, he knows that Wooseok’s eyes are dodging away from him.

“I don’t want you to marry me when I’m like this,” Wooseok wipes his tears but still sobbing, “Even you think that I can’t get any better, so, what, what do I have left?”

“Idiot! Because you are the best version of you _now_! That’s what I meant! You’ve sacrificed your career for me. You are so brave, so strong, where can I find a better version of you? So it is now, it is right this moment. I love you. I love every you in the ‘present’ more than the ‘you’ in the ‘past’ and in ‘future,’ do you understand? I love you—the ‘you’ right now!”

Wooseok feels like a needle is stuck in his beating heart. He is paralyzed. He stares at Seungyoun and to his surprise, he can see love and hope. It is the first time that he sees these things so firmly on Seungyoun’s face since they’ve started dating.

“Are you Cho Seungyoun?” For some reason, Wooseok suddenly asks the most random question.

“Of course. You made me who I am now. If I hadn’t met you, I might have died ten times already. And you are telling me that you are valueless? Stop, Wooseok. Or how about you let me be willful just for this once? I’ll give up waiting for my next inspiration and I just want to marry you right now. I used to think that I’ll be better, but without you, I won’t be any better…”

Wooseok still feels a little numb. He’s not sure if he has understood everything that Seungyoun just said. But then his hands decide to move themselves and cup Seungyoun’s face. He looks at this delicate face carefully, as if he’s appreciating a painting.

“In fact, last night I was thinking if I died, what would you do?” Wooseok utters.

“Then I’ll die with you. You won’t wait for too long. Didn’t we have this conversation before? And I can promise you again, if there’s really a day like that, I’ll go with you.” Seungyoun answers without even thinking.

Wooseok finally bursts out laughing, although with tears in his eyes, “You are so silly. How can you say that you’ll die with me right after you proposed to me?”

“Well, it’s you who mentioned it first, babe. But, in all seriousness, your music is not the only thing that defines you. Your existence is. Sometimes as long as you are alive, breathing, and that’s enough. Not to mention that we are not at our end yet. So allow me to give you another starting point, ok?” Seungyoun then grabs Wooseok’s nape and gives him a gentle kiss on the lips.

There is still the taste of the sweet red bean and sore tears in their kiss. And this kiss is different from any other in their memory. It’s not dominated by passion and desire, but more like a silent conversation. It is like a reconciliation with themselves, like a breakaway from their invisible shackles, like a soft voice that’s telling them that the present is not the end, like a reminder that if they let go of each other’s hand, then that will be the true dead end.

“The begonia flowers are blossoming really well in the balcony.”

“But the biggest one fell off and I put it on the table.”

“I saw it. But there are new buds coming out, so we’ll have even more beautiful flowers soon. Babe, let’s go home, ok? I’m afraid it’s gonna rain again and I haven’t brought the pot inside yet.”

“Why don’t you call me ‘princess’ now?”

“Well, only if you agree to get married to me now.”

“Oh, ok, don’t call me 'princess' then.”

“What? Wait! How can you do this to me?! Princess!!! My princess!!!!”

[FIN]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for walking with me on this LoveSick journey. I love to read your comments and feedbacks so please reach me if you have more. <3  
> I'm sorry for making you feel depressed and anxious at times, but I hope the ending is putting a smile on your face.  
> Love you all.


	38. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want you to feel wholesome, my reader-nims.  
> Love you 3000.

It’s been a while since Seungyoun went to Daejeon and proposed to Wooseok. however, Wooseok actually hasn’t responded to him yet. Seungyoun still calls him “princess” after all, signaling the winning of the younger. But now, it seems that they have totally changed position when it comes to “marriage,” as Seungyoun becomes the one who’s more eager, and Wooseok would be beating around the bushes instead of giving him a “yes.” In fact, as Seungyoun can tell, even though Wooseok has come back to Seoul, his mental condition is still not that good.

Another two weeks have passed. The public discourse on Wooseok and Jinhyuk have died down a lot, but the ban on Wooseok has no sign of being lifted. Wooseok is still depressed by the unforeseen future, so he decided to go abroad for a while just to get away from this heartbreaking place.

Seungyoun was fully supportive when Wooseok told him about this plan. He even quit his job the next day. After all, he can produce music anywhere as a freelancer. Meanwhile, manager Choi also didn’t ask Wooseok to stay because he knew this would be the best option for him now:

“I will try my best to appeal. But I think it’s a good idea for you to have a vacation abroad,” manager Choi said on the phone.

“My contract is about to be due, too…” Wooseok said.

“Don’t worry. The company is still your home. You can be back anytime,” the manager reassured him.

Wooseok had to admit that part of him hated the company. He hated it for not helping him to save his music, to regain public trust. But on the other hand, he was also thankful that the company had indeed taken care of him for the past ten years and covered a lot of troubles caused by him.

Anyway, putting all this aside, the couple left Korea for the UK again by the end of summer.

This time, they didn’t choose Cornwall but a small town near London because the traffic would be more convenient, and they could still have some city life if they want. But when they arrived, they still contacted Eric and Rob just to let them know about the whole situation they had experienced in Korea. The couple in Southeastern England were both shocked and welcomed them to visit again. However, Seungyoun and Wooseok declined politely because this time, they planned to stay longer in England, and they haven’t decided when to go back yet. In fact, they rented a place outside London for six months, and Seungyoun has already ordered some musical instruments and facilities so that he can make music while enjoying this “really long holiday.”

When they first arrived, they spent a week adjusting to the new time zone and the neighboring environment. Since Wooseok was still very depressed, he would just stay at home all day staring at the cat of their neighbor’s. Meanwhile, Seungyoun would ride a bike and went to the groceries in the morning, making some good food, and then playing his music instruments or writing songs for the rest of the day. Two weeks later, Wooseok started to talk to Seungyoun more and looked more energetic. Whenever their topic touched Korea and the entertainment industry, they would stop immediately.

Fortunately, as they entered the second month living in England, one day, everything started to get better.

It was a quiet morning, Seungyoun went to the local grocery as usual, but when he came back, he seemed so excited and ran upstairs to wake Wooseok up, giving him a handful of large cherries.

Wooseok was still confused when Seungyoun already passed him his clothes and said to him, “Let’s go to pick some cherries.”

Seungyoun then ran down to their small garden to prepare something. And when Wooseok came down, Seungyoun was proudly patting the bike seat and said, “You can seat in the back. No problem. You are so light anyways.”

“What do you mean?” Wooseok is genuinely puzzled.

“You haven’t walked around the town since you came here. Guess what? I just found a place with so many cherry and plum trees. Let’s go pick some and eat! I tried some just now, they were so sweet!” Seungyoun’s happy smile outshines the summer sun. And to Wooseok, he thinks Seungyoun looks like a smiley shiba inu dog that has been quite popular online.

Wooseok suddenly bursts out laughing, “Idiot, is it allowed to pick those?”

“Sure! I asked the local people and they said no one really harvests them so it’s all free if we want to eat.” Seungyoun then gets on his bike and waves to Wooseok. Actually, he hadn’t ridden on a bike for so many years. But after coming to this town, he relearned how to ride, and felt it was much exciting to ride a bike than driving his BMW back in Seoul.

Wooseok can tell how excited Seungyoun is, so even though he himself is not so sure about this plan, he decides to just go with his shiba inu. He walks towards the bike and carefully sits on the back by holding Seungyoun’s wide wide shoulder. Then he asks, “Am I heavy?”

“Of course not! What are you talking about?” Seungyoun blurts out, “I almost can’t feel you on the back. So you have to hug me tight, otherwise, I won’t notice if you fall down from the bike, ok?”

Wooseok lets out a genuine smile and hits Seungyoun’s back, “Ok, I know.”

Unlike in Korea, it is really rare for two people to be on the same bike in England. So while they are on the road, they have attracted many curious gazes from the local people. But they are foreigners anyway, so they have nothing to fear. This town they are currently living in is quite different from the one in Cornwall. It has a lot of old brick houses, churches, with ivy clinging to the walls. Compared to the laid-back style in Cornwall, this town is more serious, quiet, and the population is visibly older. Wooseok hugs Seungyoun in the back and observes the foreign and fascinating views and feels the wind caressing his face, for a moment, he wonders if he’s in a movie. He feels a kind of newly gained freedom, one that allows him to break away from thinking inwardly, and instead, experiencing the outside.

Suddenly, Seungyoun in the front screams, pulling Wooseok out of his beautiful little musing.

“What’s wrong?” Wooseok asks.

“Look! There are all plum trees! And then there are many cherry trees in the next block!” Seungyoun yells excitedly and stops the bike.

Wooseok rolls his eyes as he’s not so impressed with Seungyoun’s childishness. But as he gets off the bike and looks ahead, there are, indeed, many magenta color fruits on the trees. Since the local people don’t eat them, these fruits are still plenty and are so heavy that they look like they are about to fall down from the branches.

“Can we really eat them?” Wooseok is quite hesitant while staring at these round fruits.

“Sure! And the air here is clean here so I think you can just eat it like this. Do you want me to try first and see if it’s poisonous?” Seungyoun says jokingly while picking one from a branch and throws it into his mouth. “So sweet!” He comments with his eyes squinting, like a satisfied little fox.

Wooseok is still in doubt but since Seungyoun looks like he’s enjoying himself so much, he picks one within his reach and slowly puts it into his hand into his mouth as well. Hmm… how to say? It’s not that sweet, or rather, it tastes like it has past season already.

“How’s it?” But of course, Seungyoun is waiting for his comments with his eyes shining ardently.

“So-so,” Wooseok answers, not so impressed.

“Oh! I see!” Seungyoun reacts dramatically again.

“Now what?”

“I forgot that you are short, so you can’t reach the better ones higher up! Here, let me get you a nice one!” Seungyoun says.

“Damn you Cho Seungyoun!” Wooseok looks offended by Seungyoun’s words on his height. And he hits the taller’s back, making a loud sound.

“Ah! It hurts babe!” Seungyoun laughs out loud. Of course he was joking, so even though Wooseok is mad, it actually makes Seungyoun happy. He then calms down and says, “For real though, I’ll help you get higher, ok?” And then, Seungyoun suddenly bends in front of Wooseok, indicating him to get on his back.

Wooseok is flattered. It’s been years, no, it’s been forever, since someone asks him to get on his back. And it seems so natural for Seungyoun to just do it, which makes Wooseok feels like… first love? Anyway, he can feel his heart beating chaotically and a smile naturally climbs upon his face. He pats Seungyoun’s fuzzy hair and says, “Then I’m gonna sit on your shoulders.”

“No problem! Princess!” Seungyoun answers confidently. And just like that, Wooseok carefully sits on his shoulder and the next thing he knows, Seungyoun easily stands up and holds him high in the air.

“Ahh—oh my gosh!” Wooseok is so nervous when he’s suddenly that tall. But he quickly balances himself by leaning forward and holds Seungyoun’s head. Indeed, the view is quite different now. He can see much fresher and healthier plums hiding inside the leaves. He can also see what’s on the other side of this high fence. It is actually a garden with fountains, and a few red birds are playing in the water.

“Now, help yourself,” Seungyoun says. Wooseok smiles because he can tell how happy Seungyoun is. He probably feels like a kid again, and isn’t it the same for himself? Wooseok wonders. He feels so carefree as he enjoys the soft autumn sunshine and winds. He then starts to look for the most beautiful plum in his eyes and then sends it into his mouth again. This time, it is truly more delicious than the last one. It’s not too soft, not too messy, and the sweetness and soreness are all at its best. Wooseok doesn’t even speak after finishing this one, instead, he immediately picks another one and sends it down into Seungyoun’s mouth.

Seungyoun was about to ask “how is it” but is now stopped by the plum coming from Wooseok. He thus tastes it carefully and then looks up, “See, it’s much better up there, right?”

Wooseok still doesn’t answer him, but eats his second one and then gives another one to Seungyoun again.

Seungyoun just obediently eats whatever that’s coming above, but suddenly, he feels like a drop of water is falling on his head, and then, on the ground.

One drop, two drops, and more… It’s not rain, it’s Wooseok, who has started to cry.

“Princess?! What’s wrong??? Why are you crying???” Seungyoun probably seems a little overreacting but he sounds truly concerned. He looks up again and wants to say something, but his mouth is again stuffed by another plum from Wooseok.

Meanwhile, Wooseok messily wipes his tear using another hand. Yes, he is crying, but he doesn’t even know why. Maybe it’s because the plums are too delicious?

Seungyoun stops talking because he realizes that Wooseok is probably having a lot of emotions suddenly and doesn’t want him to interfere. So he begins to walk with Wooseok still on his shoulders. Wooseok sobs but lets him be. There is no one around and he feels quite comfy on Seungyoun’s shoulders.

After a while, Seungyoun speaks again in a tone that is like comforting a crying kid: “Our princess is sad, huh? Is it because you think your stomach is too small and cannot eat all the fruits here?” ;)

This time, the much calmed Wooseok finally bursts out laughing. He kicks Seungyoun’s chest lightly and says, “Shut up, idiot. Put me down.”

They then go to the next block and see the cherries. There are some elders here and when they see these two Asian faces, they smile shyly and friendly. It is true that no one cares if they eat up the whole tree. And also, no one cares if they are holding hands, hugging, or kissing. It’s just so normal, they are, so normal.

After another hour, the couple is exhausted from eating and playing. They find a brick wall and lean on it to catch up some breaths. They are both laughing, but neither remember what they are laughing about. Maybe they are just happy by being here, being with each other?

At one point, Seungyoun realizes that he has left the bike on the other block, so he runs back to get it. And when he comes back and sees Wooseok from across the street, he suddenly can’t move his feet, because what’s in front of him is such a perfect picture that he’ll never forget in his lifetime: Wooseok is leaning on the brick wall and looking away; he wears a light smile on his face as if he’s fully immersing his spirit in the sunshine. The leaves above his head are swaying with the wind, and a few red cherries are around where he’s standing…

And for the first time in a long while, Seungyoun suddenly thinks that he has found the meaning of his existence—to make Wooseok smile like this, enjoy life like this—that’s his meaning of life now, and that’s all that matters.

He takes a deep breath and walks across the street, “Princess, may I kiss you?”

Wooseok looks up, and then looks down, “Since when do you ask me this question before kissing me?”

Seungyoun’s eyes immediately turn into the crescent moon, he takes Wooseok’s chin and gazes into his eyes, they look at each other with indescribable passion and affection and then begin a long-awaited kiss. As Seungyoun opens Wooseok’s mouth using his swift tongue, the sweetness of plums and cherries fills his sense. The kiss is so slow, so deep, as both of them want to devour not just the sensation, but also the meaning inside it—the meaning of freedom, of the everlasting love.

Around 5pm, they finally decide to go back. Instead of riding the bike, they just want to walk home because they are too full. :) 

“Actually, I feel really sorry to you.” Wooseok suddenly says on the way.

“Why?”

“You quit your job because of me and come to England because of me. I feel like I’ve kidnapped you.” Wooseok explains.

“Don’t say this, Seok. Please see me as someone who exists just for you. You’re my princess, after all.” Seungyoun then looks at the sunset at the end of the alley.

“You’re making me guilty by saying this… I still want to say sorry to you. And thank you, for willing to be by my side. Isn’t it funny? At first I thought I should protect you. But now, I’m the more depressed one and need you this much…”

“Aren’t we gonna get married? So what’s wrong with me being by your side all the time? I don’t see anything that’s more important than this.” Seungyoun cuts Wooseok and holds him tighter.

Yes, that’s right. They are going to get married. They are going to become a family. Maybe he should just learn to take things for granted? –Wooseok tells himself internally. He then looks at Seungyoun again with reliance and affection. Yet suddenly, he remembers something, “Wait! I haven’t said ‘yet’ to your proposal yet!”

“Gosh, my princess, so how can you say ‘yes’? I remember that you were more persistent a while ago!” Now Seungyoun is being clingy.

“I, no, I mean…” Wooseok hesitates, “I just don’t want you to be someone who has nothing except ‘depression’ at the moment.” Wooseok admits.

Seungyoun stops upon hearing this. And they are both standing at the exit of the alley. The sunray just now has moved to the next lane, leaving this one a little darker. Seungyoun turns to face Wooseok and again, lifts up his chin gently, “I love everything about you. I love your ‘depression,’ your ‘sickness.’ How about you? Remember I’ve been sick longer than you, do you not love me?”

“I love you, idiot.”

“Then that’s solved. Let’s get married.”

***

Two months later, on Wooseok’s birthday, they come back to Cornwall again.

It is already deep into the autumn and it’s quite chilly by the sea. Even it is a super sunny day, the wind is so merciless and feels like it can blow people away. Under the cliff, the huge waves are crashing the rocks and reefs, exhibiting the powerful sound of nature.

But it is in such an environment can people feel the grandeur and everlastingness of true love.

In the afternoon, both Seungyoun and Wooseok appear at the wedding venue on the cliff. They are both wearing white suits, in front of a gray-haired English pastor. They lovingly look into each other’s’ eyes as if the existence of the pastor is also unnecessary. Oh, and Rob, Eric, and some of their friends are also present to witness this significant event.

_By the authority of Life Itself_

_By the life that fills and surrounds us_

_and that reaches toward another for fulfillment_

_and to share deeply_

_And by the day given to us to live_

_And by the cycle of seasons through which our lives must pass in change_

_By the love of friends that honors and supports this loving relationship and_

_By the hurts and pain through which your lives have passed alone,_

_By the long and sometimes lonely struggle of our people for the freedom to love,_

_And by the delight and hope you have found in each other_

_I say that you are united in a covenant and I pronounce you legally married_

Of course, this is a little different from the traditional wedding vows. To them, it is a reminiscence with happiness, pain, and it is also an outlook towards so much unknown in the future.

After they exchanged rings, the friends around them finally start to scream and shout in happiness. Although it is a small venue with only a few attendees, it is more than enough for the newlyweds. 

And unexpectedly, it is Seungyoun who starts to cry first.

“Hey, why are you crying?” Wooseok is truly surprised. He holds Seungyoun’s hand to calm him down.

“Now you can kiss.” The pastor says.

However, Seungyoun cannot contain himself anymore. He kneels on the grass and continues to cry like a baby. Wooseok tries to hide his laughter at this crybaby and also kneels down. He sees Seungyoun’s tears dripping down his face and falling on the grass. But all he wants to do is to look at his baby face and give him a loving kiss.

“My crybaby, stop… ok?” Wooseok laughs while comforting him.

“I, I didn’t want to cry…” Seungyoun sobs.

Wooseok shakes his head and pats Seungyoun’s head, “It’s ok. I’m already yours, so why are you crying?”

Upon hearing this, Seungyoun finally looks up even though there are still tears on his blushed face, “It’s… it’s all that pastor’s fault! The vow was too moving… too touching… Wooseok-ah, it’s been too hard for you throughout the years. I’m so sad, no, I’m so happy for you, you know?”

Wooseok tilts his head and looks at the sincere expression on Seungyoun’s face. He then cups the older’s cheeks and stops his blabbering by kissing him deeply. When their lips part, Wooseok says, “You told me to see you as someone who exists just for me. And now, I want to let you know, me too. We are equal. The pastor’s words are for both of us. Maybe there will be more hardship in the future, but at least we are together, we are both patients with sickness. So I think I won’t be afraid anymore. Thank you. I love you.”

Seungyoun nods with tears still falling down uncontrollably. But this time, their conversation is cut off by Eric and other people’s cheering. Someone opened a champaign and everyone starts to dance and yell. No more sentiment allowed. 

They are not recovered, and maybe they will be “sick” for the rest of their lives. But at least they have explored a new starting point, as well as a new exit. Their love has been a “sickness” from the very beginning, and this process has taught them: life and death are not relative; they are just elements to make their lives a full, complete circle.

***

A year later, a mysterious musician named “9696” suddenly reached the top place on the Billboard chart. No one knows who they are, where they are from. It’s just the song entitled “LoveSick” has become a hit around the world.

“You really don’t want to reveal the identity of 9696? I think this is a perfect chance for you guys to come back to Korea and start again! Also, there are many petitions for LGBTQ artists in the past year here in the country, several other artists have come out too.” Manager Choi says enthusiastically on the phone.

“Emm… I’d like to wait… wait until a better time to come back.” Wooseok says.

“What do you mean by ‘a better time?’ We all miss you, really.”

“There will be,” Wooseok holds the phone while patting a white Pomeranian on his lap. The black cat of their neighbor’s is outside in the garden, looking at him as usual.

“Ok then… but don’t let me wait for too long, ok? Please!” Manager Choi sighs and hangs up the phone.

Wooseok lets go of the puppy and it quickly runs toward Seungyoun, who is playing the guitar on the other end of the living room.

“What did he say?” Seungyoun asks.

“Nothing. Just told me that if we miss home, we can always go back. Also, the support for LGBTQ seems to be growing in Korea now.”

“Oh, ok, so what you wanna do?”

“I said, we’ll wait for a better time to go back.”

Seungyoun shrugs and puts his guitar aside. He then holds the puppy, giving him a gentle loving pat on the head.

：）

[FIN]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. The wedding oath was quoted from: https://images.theknot.com/UnitarianGayWeddingScript.pdf
> 
> Just want to provide the source. It's really beautiful.

**Author's Note:**

> This is an ongoing fanfiction that I've been writing in Chinese. It's getting loooooong and I'm not sure if I still like it (I feel like it's getting cliche)... But since I haven't updated on here for some time, I figured maybe I should finally start translating this one during this worldwide quarantine.
> 
> Again, pardon my English. I'm not a native speaker.  
> P.S. You can find me on Twi @Meow_62.  
> https://curiouscat.me/Meow_62


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